"I'm not important enough to be here on my own merits, but I'm here to talk about Safesun," says Kerron. "Maybe lean into frame when Dad gets interviewed. Thwarted anyone's schedule yet?"

Hug! "So how've you been, mini-mum?"

"Are humans supposed to eat entire pies?" asks Kerron dubiously. "Is this a full-sized sugary kinda pie we're talking about?"

"Yeah," giggles Harley. "It was strawberry with whipped cream on top and it was really good."

"Sounds like it. Did your wolf get the same kind to be fair or would that've been too repetitive?" It amuses Kerron to speak as though Harley is Zeus's imprint, solely on the basis of the amount of time they spend together.

"Well, I still had the rest of the strawberries, and I wasn't gonna eat the second one," Harley shrugs.

"Makes sense. I try not to eat too much solid food unless it's for social reasons. Makes my hair grow faster."

Harley giggles. "I think you'd look good with long hair! Maybe I should feed you pies."

"I did grow my hair out for a bit when I was six but I didn't care for the look. Besides, there's apparently a guy in another world who looks like me but isn't an alt, and he has his down to the shoulder."

"I will thwart it with a set of clippers and you'll run out of pie crusts."

"I never run out of pie crusts," says Harley, grinning.

"You know, I don't think anyone has actually experimented with the appetite capacity of half vampires? I know we can eat as much as wolves do if we want, I dunno what happens if someone just keeps offering us pie and we never say 'no I couldn't possibly'."

"I bet it doesn't make you grow tons of hair all of a sudden," snorts Harley. "But if you ever want me to bake you a million pies just to see what happens, you got it."

"Sure, we should do that sometime. I think I'd get sick of pie in particular at some point, though, might have to throw in mozzarella sticks and swordfish steak and chicken soup and whatnot for variety."

"Sure," Harley says cheerfully. "I like cooking. Cooking's fun."

"For you, sure. Mini-mum," says Kerron affectionately.

"Sure, but you look way less like Lily."

Harley cracks up.

"Besides, she does fancy molecular gastronomy. Deconstructed haggis or whatever's new this week. If she ever made a 'pie', the crust would be over here, probably raw and cut into some kind of shape with a cookie cutter, and the fruit would be over here arranged in a flower, and there'd be a little pile of cinnamon-sugar over here and then she'd drizzle it all with a caramel spiral and lecture everyone on how to eat it."

Harley wrinkles his nose. "No thanks," he says. "I think the best way to eat a meal like that is to throw it at a wall and go get pizza."

"If you pick a fight with Lily I want to watch."

"Hey, I didn't say I'd throw the pie at her," Harley points out, grinning.

"She gets fierce about the value of deconstructing food. Also about appointment-keeping and dressage and comic books. Things in general. It's weird, her parents are lambs."

"This is not a person I would get along with and if I have to hang out with her I am going to throw food at something," Harley predicts.

Kerron considers, then discards the possibility of telling Harley that on some occasions Lily's ferocity has taken the form of biting. "Well, she lives in Barcelona, these days, so you won't run into her if you don't want to."

"Well, she's here," says Kerron, glancing around, "but I don't think she'd be hard to elude."

Harley giggles.

Emmett hears Harley's name. "Harley!" he calls, waving. "We're bored, come distract us."

"My favourite thing to hear!" says Harley, skipping over to Emmett and company. "Hi, Emmett. Hi, Rosalie. You're still pretty."

"Tagging along with Elsie, getting in everybody's way, threatening to feed Kerron pie," says Harley.

Harley blinks at Nicole.

"Dunno. Maybe," says Harley.

Harley giggles.

"Are you ever gonna turn into a vampire, do you think?" Henry asks.

"Nah," he says. "Well, not and stay that way."

"Temporary turning?" asks Emmett thoughtfully. "I don't think anybody's - well, no, that one Joker alt did it, I remember hearing about that."

"Yeah, see?" says Harley.

"Don't think anyone else has though. Especially now Bella wishes the thirst away on request, it's nice."

"Well, yeah," says Harley. "But I'd miss food, for sure. And being squishy."

"Food is so a thing," says Harley, "food is the greatest thing, I love food."

"Bubbly's tastier," shrugs Oliver.

"Not to me!" snorts Harley.

"What does it taste like to you? Have you ever tried it?" Parker inquires.

"Weird and kind of bitter," he says.

"I wonder how little vampire somebody can have in 'em before it stops even mattering," says Harley.

"It will probably always matter a little, but it can start getting washed out by normal human variation around one-sixteenth, I think," says Henry.

"Are there any one-sixteenth vampires running around?"

"How old are they? Are they immortal?"

"They're nine and six, so, no idea," says Oliver. "I met them one time at the big Safesun festival."

Harley shrugs.

"I like being human," Harley says cheerfully.

"Why, though? I mean, I guess you can patch a lot of the problems with it by magic, but even still," Lindsay says.

Harley beams at Rosalie.

"Bye, everybody," says Harley, and he wanders off in search of someone else to distract.

Some more of the Cullen family is over there. Esme waves happily at Harley.

"Do you usually go by recipes or just make it up?" asks Brandon.

"I go find a recipe if it's something I haven't done before but somebody else has," he says. "Or if I wanna remember how to do something tricky. Otherwise I just go by memory or make it up."

"Going by memory doesn't count as - oh, do you not have that hexed?" asks Brandon.

"No," giggles Harley.

"Why not?" asks Alice curiously.

"'Cause it's more fun when I can forget stuff," he says.

"Why?" asks Brandon, fascinated.

"Well - okay, cooking, for example," he says. "If I remembered exactly how I made something last time, and it turned out really good, then I might just decide to do the same exact thing again. But that would be boring as hell if I kept doing that! If I don't remember it exactly then I'm going to do something different, and maybe it'll turn out worse and I'll figure out how I did it before and go back to that, but maybe it'll be even better and then I'll do it more like the new way next time. Or maybe it won't be better or worse, just different. I like different."

Harley beams at Esme. "Exactly."

"...Do you bite people a lot or something?" says Harley.

"I used to bite people," Harley says cheerfully. "When I was like two."

Harley giggles.

Lily crosses her arms. "Anyway, my interview went fine, thank you for asking, she had lots of thoughtful questions about how our family is put together compared to families that have to deal with aging and dying and crap like that, and about me personally, and stuff."

"Cool," says Harley.

"Elspeth hasn't technically adopted you, right? I guess if she did you'd be my grand-nephew," Lily says, peering at Harley. "If we insisted on humanizing all the relationships, which like I explained to the interviewer is a little silly."

"Nah, she hasn't," he says. "Humanizing as opposed to what? Vampirizing?"

"Basically. Or I think I heard someone say 'transhumanizing', I liked that. Like, you can't even do that anyway without it being weird, because me and Alice and Jasper and Bella and Edward and Rosalie and Emmett all have Mom and Dad as parent-figures, but then if you cash that out, whoops, incest, and for everyone except me it was mostly a convenient front, except, built on actual scaffolding of respect and stuff. Jasper's older than Mom, but - whatever, you can watch my interview later if you care."

"Huh," says Harley. "Maybe I will."

"You live in the Québec capital, right? With wolves?" Lily inquires. "What's that like?"

"Very fluffy," he giggles. "And there's always somebody who'll eat my pie."

"You frequently have pie and no idea what to do with it?" asks Lily archly.

"Well, I'll eat it myself if nobody else wants to," he snorts. "But I like cooking and it's more fun when somebody wants to eat it."

"Do you. What kind of cooking?" asks Lily.

"Um... kinds... that produce food?" says Harley quizzically.

"So no particular style or anything, just home cooking, basically?"

"Yeah? If I want something and I don't know how to make it I ask the internet."

"Ah-huh. I'm saving up for my own restaurant; I'm going to call it Piecemeal."

"That's cute," says Harley.

"It wasn't actually my idea, it was Cara's, but she said I could use it."

Harley shrugs.

"I'm calling it that because it's going to be about deconstructed food," says Lily. "I've been really into it lately, taking standard dishes apart to see what makes them work."

"How does that work?"

"People have got taste-memory; if you eat something it's still vivid for a little while after. If you separate something into all its parts, and then have them in sequence instead of all muddled together, they're all sharper, and you can do the blending in your head, and even if you don't want to eat that way all the time it'll make it easier to pick out the flavors next time you eat the regular thing. I don't just take apart ordinary food, though, I've been trying some experiments, I came up with a soup I really like."

"How do you do taken-apart soup, though, isn't that like the opposite of the point of soup?" he wonders.

"Well, obviously it's not soup anymore once you've done it," says Lily, "but it can have its basis in soup - if I deconstruct clam chowder, you wind up with potatoes and clams and celery and so on on a plate, arranged nicely, spiced correctly, and I turn the broth into a reduced cream sauce, but it's still clam chowder even though it isn't clam chowder, you know what I mean?"

"N...o," says Harley, "well - yes, but it's still not soup, it's like - unsoup. You've taken all the stuff that goes into a soup and made it into something that is definitely not soup."

"Right," says Lily, "but the kind of soup that it isn't, is clam chowder, you'd never mistake it for a lasagna."

"The kind of soup that it isn't," giggles Harley.

"You know what I mean!"

"Well, yeah," he says, "that's why it's funny, it wouldn't be as funny if it didn't make any sense."

Harley giggles again.

"What, would you like if it people took something you made and didn't care about it at all and didn't want to talk to you?" Lily demands of Harley.

"Um, no?" he says. "But that doesn't make it not funny. I mean, I also think it's funny when I fall out of a tree and break my arm."

"What's funny about that?" asks Brandon.

"I dunno, it just is," says Harley. "What's not funny about it?"

"No joke setup, no clever wordplay, no comedic timing, I'm not really seeing elements of humor in falling out of a tree and breaking your arm unless you, like, fled into the tree to escape vengeful mobsters who wanted to break your arm and you have irony to lean on," Brandon says.

"And yet, I did it, and I was giggling for like ten minutes," says Harley.

"High on endorphins," suggests Alice chirpily.

"And it was funny," says Harley.

Harley snickers.

"Do you even know the other guy?" asks Brandon. "Man, I would be so weirded out if there were more of me. There's another Dad but he doesn't have another Mom."

"I saw 'em all when I was just a baby, I don't remember it," says Harley. "Which is another good reason not to want a perfect memory, 'cause I'm gonna meet 'em all again and I want that to be the first time."

"If Jane's ever back. If she doesn't come back you're stuck with the Imperial Mint," says Lily. "He's not here today - actually I don't think they're interviewing him at all, I think the reveal here is limited to the array of species and witches. Elspeth told everyone that if we mention magic we should keep it kind of vague."

"I don't mind being stuck with the Imperial Mint," laughs Harley.

"I wonder what makes there be piles of some people but one each of everybody else," says Harley.

Harley shrugs.

And then it's Brandon and Alice and Jasper's turn to be interviewed, and off they go, and Lily says, "Well, Mom, Dad, I'll see you Thursday, I'm going to hop home, I'm meeting Solana in a few," and she hugs Carlisle and Esme, and ruffles Harley's hair - she remembers when he was a baby - and teleports away.

Harley giggles. His hair is very ruffleable! He understands why people ruffle it. If he were somebody else he'd ruffle his hair too.

"Off" takes him in the direction of Marcus and Didyme, who are not talking to anyone else right now, just quietly smiling at each other and their surroundings while they wait. They are holding hands; they are rarely seen doing otherwise.

"Thank you," says Didyme sunnily. "I believe you're called Harley, is that right?"

"Yep!"

"We've been somewhat withdrawn from Imperial affairs, since I'm no longer asked to help newborns settle in with other sorts of magic available; what is your story?" she asks.

"I'm a Joker," he says. "Elsie took me from another world 'cause she found me when I was a baby and Jokers have really nasty parents, so now she's raising me instead. I love Elsie, she's great."

"She is," agrees Didyme warmly. "She was a great help to Marcus and I, in the aftermath of the revolution."

"I kinda sorta heard about that!" says Harley.

"I would imagine she'd be an excellent storyteller if she so chose," laughs Didyme.

"Not frequently," says Marcus.

Harley laughs. "Okay. Why not?"

Marcus shrugs. "I rarely have anything to say that has not already been said."

"Huh," says Harley. "Why'd you take over the world?"

"I was not much of an active participant by the time takeover was attempted," Marcus says dryly. "It was easier to do as Aro and Caius asked than to attempt to gainsay them, and I was much drawn to ease after my mate was killed." He lets go of her hand and puts his arm around her shoulders; she pats the back of his hand. "Aro feared the coordination humans were capable of in the face of vampire fractiousness - it was why he was so pleased to find Chelsea, and to have me to abet her - and Caius desired power."

"I'm really glad you got brought back to life," Harley says earnestly to Didyme.

"So am I," says Didyme. "And glad too that Paola did not have to be permanently displaced for it."

"You're nice," Harley observes.

"So I'm told," laughs Didyme.

"You aaare, you're really sweet, I like you," he declares.

Didyme laughs. "You're very kind."

"I'm very friendly," he says. "I like people!"

"How convenient that there are so many," she laughs.

Harley giggles.

Presently it's time for Marcus's interview, and he won't go anywhere without Didyme, so they both go, Didyme waving to Harley as they leave.

Bella finishes looking over somebody's clipboard of checklists, and has a moment of stillness, no longer running around micromanaging everything to her satisfaction.

"Hello, Harley. How've you been?"

"Kerron wants me to feed him tons of pie for science! And Marcus and Didyme are adorable."

"What form of science is advanced by feeding Kerron tons of pie?"

"Seeing what happens if a hybrid just keeps eating food," he says. "Maybe he'll explode!"

"I don't think that would be pleasant for Kerron. Also, I think he might call off the experiment before it happens."

Harley giggles.

"It would be interesting to know the results, regardless."

"I'll tell you if he explodes," Harley promises.

"All the other witnesses would presumably be too busy mopping up the aftermath to think of notifying me."

Harley snickers.

"Any activities besides cooing over everyone's favorite reunited-after-centuries-of-despair couple and plotting to detonate your nephewoid?"

"General pestering," he giggles.

"Always productive."

"I am the most productive," he says. "They should credit me in the thingy when it's released. Nobody'd get anywhere without me pestering them."

"We shall see," says Bella.

"Locally, at any rate, I will accept the title."

"Why, is there some other empress you think is actually better?" he wonders.

"You know," says Bella, "at Bellparties we would occasionally talk about having contests, but never actually set one up or even discussed how it would be judged."

"You should have us judge it," giggles Harley.

"That would be one way to do it, I suppose. What sort of criteria do you have in mind?"

"I dunno!" he says. "Besides just being awesome?"

"I imagine Aurum and Atlantis and Eos and whatever other empires have been formally established by the time we meet again all have our own unique characters of awesomeness."

"Yeah," says Harley. "And I bet you'd love having all the Jokers tell you how awesome you all are."

"I don't imagine any of you require the excuse of an explicit contest to do so if inclined."

"Yeah, but the contest would get us thinking about it," he says.

"It could do the same thing if we had Sherlocks or Matildas or Libbies doing the judging," chuckles Bella.

"And those ones would probably come up with a winner," says Harley. "So maybe you wanna go with them."

"Possibly. I may bring this up with other Bells, if I ever see them again."

"Do you think you're gonna?"

"See them again? I don't know. I certainly hope so."

She hugs him back. "I'm glad."

He beams at her.

And here is the Emperor. "Hello, Harley."

"Hi, Edward!" says Harley. "What's up?"

"The interviews are going smoothly - your mother is holding up fine, Bella - and there has been no mayhem so far."

"Aww," says Harley, grinning. "But I like mayhem!"

"What sort of mayhem do you imagine would suit this project?" inquires Edward.

"I don't," he laughs. "But you knew that already."

"Yes," says Edward archly, "or the conversation would have gone a bit differently, I suppose."

Harley cracks up.