Joey is cleaning out his grandmother's attic. She's dead and he's occupying the house for the time being, since his dad and aunt are tied to jobs elsewhere in the country and he's unemployed. Cleaning the house out isn't fun, but he's got Reeses Pieces in his pocket and a record on and it's tolerable. Better than living with his deadbeat roommate for another year of lease. Maybe he'll keep the house. It's paid off and everything.
He steps back, dragging his broom.
And then he's in another world, it smells green and it's eighty degrees and the air is so startlingly clear and look at the flowers -
Joey says ack and leans forward along the path of his broom. And he is back in the attic. There's snow heaped against the window. It smells like dust and Grandma.
What the hell.
He leans back again. Verdant summer.
Forward. Attic.
When he's done this enough times that it starts feeling stupid more than fantastical, Joey carefully leans into summertime and puts his broom down and tries walking back without it.
Works just fine.
He leaves the broom there, laid across two worlds but somehow fully visible in each, as a signal of where the thing is, and walks into the warmth.
He explores. It's pretty, it's a nice change of pace, he can't hear his music from here but there's so much to look at.
He finds a tiny person, can't be more than a foot tall, with a dumb hat and dragonfly wings. The tiny person is surprised to see him.
"Whose mortal are you?" asks the tiny person.
"...What?" It speaks English, why the fuck does it speak English.
"Are you new? Nobody's snapped you up? Well, watch out. Don't let any food or drink pass your lips and definitely don't tell anyone your name. But I'm not going to hang around you, somebody'll be after you, you're trouble." The tiny person tips its stupid hat and flies away.
Joey blinks, and turns around to head back for his marker. It was past this rock here.
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secret passage
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feel-so-free
A woman appears, floating in midair, a few feet away from the broom when Joey is just within sight of it. She is not tiny. She is kind of tall, actually. And she has beautiful wings like fine sprays of rainbow dust sparkling in the sunlight, and when she beats them rapidly to catch herself before she hits the ground, the edges shed colourful particles that swirl away through the air.
She isn't wearing any clothes.
She's very pretty.
She touches her feet to the ground and spins around and around and giggles to herself.
She isn't wearing any clothes.
She's very pretty.
She touches her feet to the ground and spins around and around and giggles to herself.
Whoa.
Magical summer land of winged people, some of whom have stupid hats and some of whom are gorgeous naked ladies.
Joey stares at her.
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She spots him and beams. "Hello! I exist! Isn't it great?"
"I'm a fan," says Joey. "Uh. Do you have a name?"
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"No," she says brightly. "Do most people? I guess they do. I haven't met any others, though. I just started. Do you have a name?"
"Nope!" Joey lies. "Uh, somebody with a stupid hat told me not to eat anything. But didn't say why. Why is that?"
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"Oh - maybe you're a mortal. Are you? I guess you are. If a mortal eats fairy food then any fairy with a claim to the food can take them as a vassal," she explains. "And the other way around. I don't think being someone's vassal is very nice, it means that if your master tells you to do something and means it then you have to."
"Oh." Joey looks around at the plants. They don't look like normal plants. Maybe they look like Asian plants or something, he wouldn't know, but he's betting they're weird fairy plants.
He looks at the hot naked chick.
"So does that mean you never get to know what peanut butter candy tastes like, ever?"
He looks at the hot naked chick.
"So does that mean you never get to know what peanut butter candy tastes like, ever?"
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"Is that a mortal food?"
"Yep. Some mortals are allergic to peanuts and they just," he waves a hand, "drop like flies, all the time, can't resist peanut butter candy, it's that good."
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...The fairy looks suspiciously at him.
"...is it really? What's it like?"
"...is it really? What's it like?"
"Well." He takes a Reeses Piece out of his pocket; it's an orange one. "It's sweet, and salty, and how do I describe the flavor of a peanut, really I can't. Pity you can't have one, isn't it? I'm not short on them or anything but it sounds like you wouldn't want a taste."
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...She stares at the candy. "I don't want to never know what it's like..."
Joey holds out the Reeses Piece.
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Oh this is such a bad idea.
The fairy grabs it out of his hand and eats it.
...and the next step of this plan was going to be to flee immediately, but it turns out the candy is really really good.
The fairy grabs it out of his hand and eats it.
...and the next step of this plan was going to be to flee immediately, but it turns out the candy is really really good.
Joey can see his broom over there.
"Come on and follow me," he says, heading in that direction. He caught one! He is probably not going to go to the trouble of, like, marrying her, like he's under the impression you have to do with selkies, because she is not a seal. But he caught one and he's gonna take her home.
"Come on and follow me," he says, heading in that direction. He caught one! He is probably not going to go to the trouble of, like, marrying her, like he's under the impression you have to do with selkies, because she is not a seal. But he caught one and he's gonna take her home.
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The fairy, unavoidably, follows him.
"That was such a bad idea," she sighs. "But the candy was really good."
"That was such a bad idea," she sighs. "But the candy was really good."
"I've got more," he says, offering her another one.
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She perks up and takes it. Nom!
He continues feeding her Reeses Pieces one by one until they are back through the gate to his grandma's attic.
"Don't go back through without my permission," he tells her. "...And sweep up all the dust in here into that bag, and then come downstairs, and we'll have some fun."
"Don't go back through without my permission," he tells her. "...And sweep up all the dust in here into that bag, and then come downstairs, and we'll have some fun."
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She makes a face at him and starts sweeping the attic.
"Smile!" he grins at her, as he heads down to the second floor.
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Well, now she is smiling. Unavoidably.
She wants to kill him. She can't kill him, but she wants to. You can do that to mortals, that is why they are called mortals, but not if you are their vassal.
She wants to kill him. She can't kill him, but she wants to. You can do that to mortals, that is why they are called mortals, but not if you are their vassal.
Joey, meanwhile, gets himself a beer and waits for her in his room. He caught a faaaairy!
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He did. He did catch a fairy.
There she is.
There she is.
He has some fun with his fairy that the narration will decline to outline in much detail.
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She still wants to kill him.
He can, quite evidently, live with that.
But then afterwards he teaches her to make roast beef sandwiches and says she can have one.
But then afterwards he teaches her to make roast beef sandwiches and says she can have one.
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Well.
Joey is terrible but food is still delicious.
Joey continues to be terrible. Food continues to be delicious. He is not a man of great dietary variety himself, but he will get her new things when he likes how she behaves. When he doesn't like how she behaves he refines her instructions until he does. She's not allowed to leave the house without him (let alone without clothes on sufficient to avoid arrest and cover her wings) or talk to strangers or take food from strangers, but she is allowed to cook, and lounge around the house in the nude, and ask him for things and convince him ever so nicely that he might want to give them to her.
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She becomes an amazing cook pretty quickly. A lot of the things she asks him for are new foods to try, or to try making. Most of the rest is books to read and pretty clothes to wear.
Joey legally changes his name and starts going by Jeff with everybody except his stubborn mother, who he calls seldom; while he is on the phone with her he sends his fairy into another room to cover her ears and loudly hum. Eventually he acquires a job at a bowling alley. He goes on occupying his grandma's house, now his. He tells his friends that his "girlfriend's" name is Maria and that she is shy. "Maria" is obliged to act shy when they're around. Joey-called-Jeff is not sufficiently into the practice of saving money that he won't buy "Maria" nice things sometimes when she behaves.
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"Maria" sometimes manages to behave. Sometimes she doesn't, and needs to be told not to do things. She can be remarkably creative about finding things she has not yet been told not to do.
Jeff doesn't like that.
He doesn't like it a bit.
He gets mean when he's mad.
He doesn't like it a bit.
He gets mean when he's mad.
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And yet, somehow, she keeps doing these things. Sometimes she'll go several months without doing anything annoying, and then Jeff will wake up to find that she has emptied a bottle of bleach onto the living room floor or poured all the alcohol in the house down the kitchen sink or neatly unpicked every seam in all of his shirts.
She is obliged to clean up after her misbehavior. And she gets revised and tighter orders, every time. And then she gets punished.
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It's still worth it.
Well, she never manages to make him mad enough that he no longer wishes to have a captive ageless fairy who is obliged to obey his every command. He really likes having a captive ageless fairy who is obliged to obey his every command.
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Sucks to be her, then.
It's pretty swell to be Jeff though!
Jeff has a niece. She is born when Jeff is thirty-five (after he has had his fairy for fifteen years) and comes around occasionally once she is going to college in the area (when Jeff is fifty-four, and has had his fairy for thirty-four years). Maria is not supposed to talk to her. Jeff only ever calls her "pumpkin" when she's around, because he remembers about the name thing.
Jeff has a niece. She is born when Jeff is thirty-five (after he has had his fairy for fifteen years) and comes around occasionally once she is going to college in the area (when Jeff is fifty-four, and has had his fairy for thirty-four years). Maria is not supposed to talk to her. Jeff only ever calls her "pumpkin" when she's around, because he remembers about the name thing.
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She doesn't especially resent any mortals who are not Jeff. It's not like they're the ones doing this to her. It's not like they know.
Jeff's pumpkin niece finishes college and winds up living nearby.
More time passes.
Jeff gets sick.
Very sick.
More time passes.
Jeff gets sick.
Very sick.
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Mortals die. That's something that happens to mortals.
Well, Jeff may be very sick but he's not dead yet.
While he is in the hospital, his niece visits him, and then she goes over to his house.
"Aunt Maria?"
While he is in the hospital, his niece visits him, and then she goes over to his house.
"Aunt Maria?"
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"Hi pumpkin," she says, which is just about all she is allowed to say to the pumpkin niece.
"Um, Uncle Jeff told me that I should feed you a piece of candy because he's dying? He said a lot of things. He said you wouldn't be allowed to say much and come to think of it you've never said much. Is he going crazy? I didn't think cancer made people crazy."
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"Aunt Maria" says nothing at all.
"...If you don't want me to literally put this mini Snickers in your mouth because you are not secretly a fairy and Uncle Jeff is crazy go ahead and do, like, anything, to indicate that?"
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...She laughs a little.
Pumpkin niece unwraps the mini Snickers and holds it out.
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"Aunt Maria" eats the mini Snickers.
Maybe the pumpkin niece will be better than Jeff. There are probably people who are worse than Jeff, but there have to be people who are better than Jeff too, right? And she can't leave the house, so she'd have a hard time running away.
Maybe the pumpkin niece will be better than Jeff. There are probably people who are worse than Jeff, but there have to be people who are better than Jeff too, right? And she can't leave the house, so she'd have a hard time running away.
Pumpkin niece has notes from Uncle Jeff's crazy rant in her pocket.
"Uh," she says. "...You can talk to me, you're allowed."
"Uh," she says. "...You can talk to me, you're allowed."
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"Well, that's new and different," says "Aunt Maria".
"Are you seriously a fairy I thought he was high but I didn't want to say 'no, dying uncle Jeff, I will not write down your crazy-ass story'..."
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"Oh, so he is dying. About time."
Pumpkin niece frowns. "He says you're dangerous."
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"Does he? Dangerous like how?"
"He said - he said a lot of things. And he said you've got wings and that he needed to give you to somebody else so you wouldn't run rampant and kill people or something."
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She snorts. "He's an idiot. I don't want to kill anybody but him and I can't kill him, a vassal can't hurt a master."
"What do you want to do, then?"
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She thinks about it.
"I guess I want to go back to the fairy realm and not have to obey mortals anymore."
"I guess I want to go back to the fairy realm and not have to obey mortals anymore."
"The fairy realm?"
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"He didn't tell you about that?"
"Not a lot about it. I sort of assumed you got lost here."
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"There's a gate in the attic."
"Oh my god."
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"I'm not allowed to show people or go through it."
"Are you trying to - Always tell me the truth. Are you trying to like lure me into fairyland so that like a million years will pass while I'm in there, or... what?"
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"I just want to go back there and be free. I don't want to hurt anybody. I don't think a million years would go by if you went in and I don't really care if you do or not as long as you let me go."
"He says you're dangerous. If you fed me fairy food or if anybody told you my name. He wasn't really careful about that part, I could've noticed that neither of you called me anything but pumpkin, he didn't warn me till today, but I don't think you know it now, do you?"
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"That's what happens if any old fairy learns your name or feeds you fairy food. He never asked if I was different. I am, though. I can't have vassals."
"You can't?"
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"I can't."
"Why not?"
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"It's my magic. Every kind of fairy has some magic and that's mine. Anyone who's my vassal is nobody's vassal, ever again, at all, even if they were before."
"But you can be other people's - vassals - and you're mine because of the Snickers and so you really do have to tell me the truth because I said to?"
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"Yeah."
"So if I told you my name it would be safe for me to go to Fairyland."
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"Yeah, I guess."
"What all is in there?"
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"Lots of fairies. Plants. Sky. I wasn't there for that long. I hadn't been alive more than a minute when Jeff caught me."
"Wow."
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"And then he he kept me and made me do whatever he wanted."
"My mom always wondered why you looked so young. My dad wondered how Uncle Jeff managed to find a girlfriend," mutters pumpkin niece to herself.
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"Well, now you know. I'm a fairy. I started out looking this age and I'll keep on looking this age forever. And he found a girlfriend by kidnapping one."
"So you weren't really his girlfriend. I guess I should stop calling you Aunt Maria, huh."
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"I guess," the fairy agrees.
Pumpkin niece thinks.
"My name's Rose," she says cautiously.
"My name's Rose," she says cautiously.
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"That's pretty," says the fairy.
Rose laughs.
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"So are you going to let me go?"
"Maybe. I'm not positive that you're not dangerous, still. Uncle Jeff wasn't lying about you being a fairy, he might not have been lying about that either."
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"You made me tell you the truth and I said I'm not dangerous," she points out. "I can't take vassals and I don't want to hurt anybody, except Jeff, who I can't."
"Can you get other people to hurt him, if I let you?"
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"Yeah," she says. "But he's dying anyway, so I wouldn't bother, I'd just go back to the fairy realm."
"But you might change your mind, and he's my uncle." Pause. "Do fairies have magic? Could you fix him?"
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"I don't have any magic but what I said," she says. "There's magic in the fairy realm but I wasn't there long enough to learn any."
Rose gets up.
"Show me Fairyland," she says.
"Show me Fairyland," she says.
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So the fairy leads her up to the attic and through the gate.
Rose is very impressed with Fairyland.
Like her uncle before her, she goes back and forth a couple of times to make sure she knows where the place is; she scuffs the grass near it as a marker in the absence of a broom.
"I can eat fairy food and it's safe because you know my name, right?"
Like her uncle before her, she goes back and forth a couple of times to make sure she knows where the place is; she scuffs the grass near it as a marker in the absence of a broom.
"I can eat fairy food and it's safe because you know my name, right?"
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"Yeah."
"Do you know how to find food here?"
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"Yeah, I guess."
Rose smiles.
"Excellent."
"Excellent."
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"...what are you gonna do?"
"I'm not sure yet," says Rose. "But I found a fairy realm and I'm sure going to do something."
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Her captive fairy sighs.
"Well," she says, "you're probably not going to rape me, so you're an improvement on Jeff already."
"Well," she says, "you're probably not going to rape me, so you're an improvement on Jeff already."
Rose blinks.
"Uh. Yeah no. Ew. Uncle Jeff? Really? Uncle Jeff?" She does not seem to be sincerely in the market for an answer to this question.
"Uh. Yeah no. Ew. Uncle Jeff? Really? Uncle Jeff?" She does not seem to be sincerely in the market for an answer to this question.
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"What do you think he was doing with his kidnapped fairy girlfriend who had to do everything he said?"
"I wasn't thinking about Uncle Jeff's sex life. Ew."
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Snort.
Rose shakes her head and goes back through the gate. "C'mon."
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And of course the fairy follows her.