The next guard to come by has a bundle of Nale's clothes.

"We took the magic items, but the outfit isn't enchanted, so. Here, murdering scum."

He tosses the clothes at Elan.

They're... heavier than expected?

He doesn't really want to put Nale’s clothes back on, but he felt that thunk. He inspects the bundle.

The Tome of Erotic Power

This slender volume will open your thighs to the innumerable benefits of sex magic! Great for escaping from prison cells! Guaranteed non-Evil! Guaranteed completely broken! Your not-necessarily-a-girlfriend will be fine with you reading this book!

It's a surprisingly dense subtitle, for a paperback with a winking nymph on the cover.

His eyes widen as he runs his fingers along the subtitle. Someone wants to help him escape. Is it… the guard who gave him the book? He feels like if you get a book from a guard that says that sex magic is great for escaping from prison cells, it means the guard wants to have sex with you.

… If it gets him out of this cell…

He reaches the last line. Haley's not his—

Well. It does say not necessarily. Which, he guesses, is completely true.

Will she really be fine with it?

"Do I look like Durkon to you? Literally anything you do to escape prison is 100% fine."

"Also, the idea of you doing sex magic is incredibly attractive and I want to see and/or participate in it."

Elan opens the book.

Somewhere, a rogue sneezes.

Tutorial

You appear to be in jail. This is not currently ideal, for any of several reasons. We would love to help you get out! But first, we should probably familiarize you with the basics of "sex magic" - starting with the parallel stat system which, for legal reasons, we must clarify has nothing to do with Wizards of the Coast intellectual property.

Your first stat is BOD, the Body, representing your physical attractiveness and other biological capabilities. At 28, you're almost universally the hottest guy in the room, and frequently, you're the hottest in the county. Or at least the barony. You can increase this stat through exhibitionism, and other acts that invoke the pure beauty and power of your physical form.

Your second is LST, or Lust: the intensity of your sexual urges, and how easy it is to get you going. Traveling for ?months? with a bunch of hotties and also Durkon, without nearly enough opportunities to sneak behind a tree for ten minutes, has ratcheted yours up to a solid 15, almost reclaiming the ground lost after you graduated from Bard Camp and puberty. You gain in this stat while experiencing sexual urges that are unusually intense or that go on unusually long.

Third is SED, Seduction. Your ability to seduce others, to pique their interest and arouse their desire. Your +4 Charisma modifier almost makes up for your near-total inability to be anything other than a silly billy for more than six seconds at a time, leaving you with a cool 12. You can increase this stat by arousing the romantic interest or sexual desire of others, and successfully pursuing them or being caught.

4. FUK, Baking Ability and Flower Arrangemnah we're just screwing with you it's FUCKING, your ability to perform in bed and give others pleasure… or other sensations. Yours is 11, because despite the jokes about Bard Camp you never went much further than clinking teeth and some confused butt-touching, and it's been a while since even that. Increase this stat by arranging flowers and baking.

Number five is a classic: PRV, Perversion, measuring your descent into the world of naughtiness, fetish, deviance, and corruption. (We would like to reiterate that this does not mean Evil. Sexy corruption only.) At 17, you mostly think of sex as a tab-A-slot-B affair, with occasional fantasies about slot A; however, if you got tied up by a very tightly dressed half-orc ninja, your blood pressure might get redirected. You can increase this stat by looking for opportunities to get even kinkier.

Our stat is ERO. We'll be raising that at regular intervals. No need to worry.

Next ->

He can't help but stroke the hair glued to his face as he reads the tutorial. He's never read an intelligent book before. It's very determined to tell him that it isn't Evil, which… could be protesting too much, but he's pretty sure that if it was an Evil magic item it could have mind controlled him right away.

Maybe he's being mind-controlled right now. He picks up Nale's cloak clasp and squints at his reflection. His eyes don't look swirly, so he's… probably good.

It sure knows a lot about him. Are all intelligent books like this?

He's about to turn the page, but his eyes catch on the phrase very tightly dressed half-orc ninja.

He looks up at his cellmate.

Thog.

No.

Yeah, Thog probably doesn't have the DEX for it.

Now he can turn the page.

He's immediately filled with the hope that, once he's out of here, he can tell Roy with a completely straight face that he's finally perfected his invisibility trick.

He knows he should probably distribute his stat points first, but this first ritual is so easy. He immediately starts to disrobe. If for some reason it doesn't work, he'll just say he was going to put on Nale's old clothes!

Thog looks over with moderate interest.

"not-nale go crazy already? naked time is fun kind of crazy."

Elan pauses unbuckling his pants. He knows he had a lie in mind, but that was for any guards. And besides, Thog doesn't sound unhappy or anything.

"It is a fun kind," he agrees, sliding the waistband down his hips. "And what's more… you know how wearing armor gives you huge penalties to sneaking?"

Thog nods. "thog only okay at sneaking under best circumstances, but armor check penalty harsh mattress."

"Yeah, when I first started traveling with my friends, the goblins in the dungeon kept finding us because Durkon's armor was so loud! So I realized—if taking off your armor made it easier to hide, then taking off your clothes must make it really easy! You could even go invisible!"

He's just wearing his underwear, now.

Thog boggles at this. (And glances appreciatively at the free show.)

"that not sound right, but thog not know enough about skill rules to dispute it!"

"Yeah, my friends weren't sure about it at first either."

(Despite the fact that he's putting a lot of trust in this book and following its instructions, he can't deny that he's also got a grain of doubt. But—he saw that look. If he doesn't turn invisible, then he's at least got a chance to "invoke the pure beauty and power of his physical form." And maybe even "arouse the sexual desire of others." He's not sure that he wants his first time arranging flowers to be with Thog, though.)

Moment of truth. He hooks his thumbs over his underwear, shuts his eyes, and tugs it off.

Thog nods, unboggling. "compels thog, though."

If Elan's eyes are closed, he probably can't see whether he's invisible or not.

This…

is true.

He holds his hand up and peeks.

Well, his dick's sure out.

Thog isn't so much looking at him anymore, though. More a couple of feet to the left. And he doesn't seem to be enjoying the view the way he was, though there's still a visible bulge in his jail-issued pants.

Aw, c'mon, couldn't they at least—

His eyes focus a little harder. Okay, he actually is outlined in white. He's going to assume this means he is, in fact, invisible.

There's an obvious test. Moving as Silently as he can, he walks right up to Thog and squeezes his butt.

Thog jumps. "ghosts are having ghostly way with thog!"

     The guard pokes his head in. "What in the Samwise Hill? Do we need to get an exorcist in here, or something?"

"thog not complaining, to be clear."

     "...right. Well, shut up, you're gonna wake your cellmate." He gestures vaguely at the pile of jailclothes atop the pile of Naleclothes. "Actually, wait, why do I care? You're both murdering scum. I'm going to go back to eating anachronistically frosted doughnuts." He does so.

Elan jumps back, his heart pounding. For a moment, he feels caught, and then he remembers that nobody can see him. That doesn't change that, while the guard glares at Thog, Elan can feel his eyes on him.

He suddenly understands how Haley felt, that time that she grabbed his butt while the party huddled together to fit in the discount Invisibility Sphere.

When the guard turns his back, he steps forward again, nearly pressed against Thog, and reaches around his trunk to grab the front of his prison shirt.

"Do you wanna turn invisible, too?"

Thog twitches. "thog think that question not literal."

Shoot, Elan was being completely literal there. But he can use his imagination (and everything Thog's said and done in the past five minutes) to come up with an alternative interpretation.

"Well, maybe," is what he says. "But it wouldn't hurt to try, right? And if it doesn't work, it'll just look like I'm having my—ghostly way with you."

His breath hitches as he says ghostly way. That sounds exciting, or perhaps scary, or maybe both. But isn't he supposed to get less shy? He's still not sure that he's ready to go "all the way" here, but… he can touch Thog. Invisibly. And make him feel good.

Right now he's just half-hugging Thog from behind, still holding onto his shirt. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath in through his nose.

"again, thog not complaining."

He casually shreds the uniform's shirt off himself, leaving Elan with a handful of black-and-white fabric and a view of some downright geographic back muscles. (And a handful of long scars.)

That helps! For a moment Elan's tempted to leave a note apologizing for the torn shirt, but he figures that they probably get lots of inmates dramatically tearing their shirts.

He drops the shredded fabric and reaches out to touch Thog's back. He wonders if this is what Roy's back looks like—well, if Roy's skin were a greyish-green instead of a warm brown.

He should do something, he thinks. Like run a hand along a scar, or feel what Thog's musculature is like up front. He decides to do the first thing first.

A deep-pitched giggle. "thog ticklish there!"

He's leaning back into it, though, so it seems like he doesn't mind the tickling.

Elan giggles right back and decides to do two at once with both hands, touching as light and tickly as he can.

"Where'd they come frrom?"

"oh, before nale thog enslaved as miner. also as minor. tyrinarian labor system very big on whips."

On impulse, Elan hugs Thog for real. He's warm and smells… nicer than Elan would have expected a barbarian to smell. Well, they did clean Elan up from the crime scene while they were healing him and getting him his prison clothes.

"Where's Tyrinaria? I've never heard of it."

"middle of desert. pretty nice apart from climate, slavery, water and food rationing, jackbooted oppression, culture of fear, ruthless yet sexy military junta, and state-sponsored educational programming including teletubbies."

The warmth is really only part of it. Feeling muscles of that density shifting under his skin is sort of mesmerizing. And his voice rumbles through the skin contact and vibrates in Elan's chest.

Whoa, yeah, it is. It's actually kinda hard to focus on what Thog's saying. He rubs his cheek against Thog's back, like a cat. He wants to hear more of his voice. It's so… bold.

"Is that where you met Nale?"

(He's really glad that the Greater Invisibility lasts until sunrise. He doesn't know if he's making any real progress on this ritual, but… this is nice, and if he was in a hurry then he'd probably feel too rushed to really be in the moment.)

"yeah. nale daddy took nale on mine tour for fun bonding activity. nale threw rock at thog. thog threw rock back for fun game of catch. nale not seem to like that as much, but had thog delivered to chambers for own amusement. thog like amusement way more than mining, and nale like it too, so thog made personal slave until some mean assassins tried to stab nale and thog beat assassins to death. then thog and nale just friends."

Elan wonders what kind of person his dad is, that gawking and throwing rocks at the slaves in a mine is a fun bonding activity. And he's also suddenly worried about…

"Do you… actually wanna do this? I'm having fun but I wouldn't be if you were just being my personal slave about it."

He doesn't unhug, though.

"thog did say thog like amusement. no knives here but lots of things still fun without knives."

He's going to reach behind him and stroke Elan's back, sort of comfortingly. His hands feel like leather gloves, with the amount of calluses and scarring on them. It's a novel sensation.

Despite what the book said about perversion not being Evil, Elan's pretty sure anything involving knives is at least a little Evil. But, as Thog said, there aren't any knives here. Just the two of them.

Thog's arms are in kind of an awkward position.

"Here, let me—"

Elan ducks away from Thog's hands so he can circle around to hug him from the front.

"That's better, isn't it?"

Thog just kind of... purrs. Instead of responding.

He's going to stand up (dragging Elan with him) and shimmy out of his pants, now, leaving a loincloth that...

listen. It's an offensive, harmful stereotype that orcs are all hung like donkeys.

Thog is also an offensive, harmful stereotype.

Does Elan remember when Roy was using that greatclub? Because that's the kind of dick we're dealing with here.

That loincloth doesn't hide anything.

Okay, literally speaking, it covers what's underneath. There's no mosaic censor springing up or anything. But… Thor's beard.

Elan should say something.

Any minute now.

Thog thumps back onto the floor. "pants get too tight when thog having fun. fashion design has long way to go."

"Oh, I dunno, I think that looks like a good amount of tightness," he says without thinking.

Wow, he really just said that. He's about to say even more.

"Can I touch it?"

"thog have no objection."

He relaxes and puts his arms behind his head, stretching out the thick muscles along his abdomen and chest, jutting out his crotch, and showing off his smooth-shaven armpits.

Elan takes in the scene before him, a little surprised at the smoothness of Thog's underarms. Elan doesn't shave any of his own body hair. But Thog does shave his head hair, too, so… maybe he likes to be smooth all over? Elan decides to feel Thog's chest with both hands, dragging his hands down until he reaches cloth.

"Your skin is so nice," he remarks. It's not soft in the same way Roy's was, back when he was wearing the belt, but there's a vitality to it, a hard-to-describe niceness. It's like he can sense Thog's personhood through touch alone, almost, that feels good in the same way that delicious food tastes good.

Maybe he should lick Thog who said that.

He smiles at the half-orc before remembering that he's invisible. That's… sad? But he doesn't really want to stop being invisible, either. He's having fun!

He thinks he's ready. He places his hand solidly on Thog's loincloth.

It's so fucking big. The cloth is thin, straining around the weight of it, almost transparent.

Thog shoves the loincloth's waistband down, letting his cock spring backwards and slam into his abs. If Elan's hand had gotten caught in that collision, he'd be looking at 1d4 to 1d6 bludgeoning damage.

Also it's, uh. Not mosaic-censored, actually. It's right there, in vivid detail.

Notes: It's immediately obvious that the shaving does extend this far. He's circumcised. The head is practically rectangular, barely tapering at all, a dark bruisey purple that contrasts to the shaft's sage-green. There's a strange bulge towards the base of it, flushed a darker pine shade. His balls look like they could smash through a gloryhole wall.

Also, in the mostly forgotten Tome, where many things are being written as the scene progresses, another thing is written.

A skill has been created by a special action! Trying to communicate conversational metadata when your conversational partner cannot see you has created the skill Slash HJ!

The lack of mosaic censor, along with the use of "cock" in the ritual name and literally everything that's happened since Elan started to undress, confirms that Elan's not in a PG-13 comic anymore. He doesn't really know what to do with that information, beyond wrapping his hand loosely around the shaft, just above the darker-green bulge. And then he slides his hand down, giving the bulge a squeeze.

"What's this part?" he asks. He really hopes that the thing they said in health class about breaking your dick if you play with it too much did not turn out to be true.

"knot. for knotting not-nale, or not for knotting not-nale if not nailing not-nale."

Thog reaches out, making an educated guess, and begins fondling Elan's own junk. It turns out those big rough hands feel even bigger and rougher when they're in a sensitive location!

As Elan opens his mouth to ask a question, he spontaneously makes a couple of successful Bardic Knowledge checks. Wow.

And then his eyes flutter shut.

"Wow," he breathes, pressing forward into the touch. Maybe he can just… lean forward and rest his hands on Thog's shoulders. He had vaguely had a plan to be the one giving the slash HJ, but Thog's calloused warm hands are mighty persuasive.

They are extremely both of those things.

His fingers are rough, but their motion is gentle as they explore. He rolls Elan's balls around, getting a feel for them; strokes along his shaft, getting a feel for that too. He seems to be a tactile learner.

He can go ahead and tactile-ly learn about Elan's dick.

He's no werehorse, of course. Thog will certainly be able to feel that much. But his dick is smooth, right down to the soft blond curls at the base. Pretty, even. Next to the absolute greatsword Thog wields, it's more like an enameled dagger.

Once again, Elan almost regrets that Thog can't see any of him. Maybe… maybe he can show him on purpose. Later. For now, he's happy to just be touched.

"huh. not-nale have uncut version of nale dick."

He sets to stroking more surely, featuring a particular gesture of rubbing right under the head which seems very aggressively targeted at Elan's nerve endings.

Elan almost wonders why Nale was circumcised and he wasn't, but that's way too much Thinking About His Twin Brother's Dick for this sex scene. Fortunately, Thog is very successfully redirecting Elan's attention to more important things.

"That—haah—that's good, yeah—"

Elan clenches Thog's shoulders tightly.

Thog stands up again, dragging Elan up with him by a very convenient handle, and lets his loincloth fall the rest of the way down.

...now he's white-outlined too. And his eyes re-focus, meeting Elan's and then glancing downwards.

"thog need visibility for this maneuver," he explains, as he presses his cock up against Elan's and starts stroking them together with one hand.

Yeah, it makes perfect sense that the invisibility works that way.

(Probably someone who actually knows anything about how magic works would disagree. But nobody like that is here, so it's fine!)

Elan nods, now that this can convey information to Thog. And then starts panting again as Thog holds their dicks together and jerks them off at the same time. His hands, needing someplace to go again, reach around Thog's midsection to clutch at his back. He feels his fingernails dig into Thog's skin; he doesn't care.

Thog's skin has DR 2/-. He is not scared of twink talons.

Now that he's a bit more in control, he picks up the pace, squeezing them tighter and thrusting against Elan's stomach.

Elan's nails are flat and inoffensive anyway!

As Thog speeds up, Elan feels the sensation shift gears from nice, arousing to—building. Maybe it's because he's stroking faster, maybe it's because he can feel Thog's dick against his own, maybe it's just a little bit that it feels better to relax into it now that he knows Thog's also taking care of himself. Whatever the reason, he lets it happen.

And Thog keeps making it happen! He's not panting, but his breathing is getting heavier.

This makes sense! Thog's got better CON than Elan, or at least better HD.

Soon, Elan's getting close. If he had more presence of mind, he might try to hold back until Thog is also close to orgasm. Which may or may not even work; he hasn't practiced this sort of thing and doesn't know about Edge Self.

When Elan comes, he doesn't dig his twink talons in harder—his hands were already clenched as tight as he could. But he does squeeze Thog with his arm muscles.

Simultaneous orgasm isn't on the table, particularly, but Thog likes getting messy; it revs him up, as does no longer having to worry about Elan's non-damage-resistant skin.

Predictably, Thog cums like a firehose. Less predictably, his orgasm lasts a full minute, as he grips his knot and rumbles with the effort of not roaring.

Once Thog releases him, Elan stumbles backwards onto his butt. And watches Thog go. He wonders how the Tome of Erotic Power would describe Thog's sexual stats. High FUK, definitely.

Elan's caught in the splash zone, naturally. Before this, he might have been bothered by the stickiness. Now, though, it's kinda nice. Not just as evidence of a fun time, but as a sensory experience.

About twenty seconds in, Elan starts to worry. Is that normal for Thog? He seems to mostly be in control of himself…

"Did that… hurt?" he asks, once it's all over.

(It's not as sticky as it could be! Slippery, sure, but mostly watery and not too dense.)

"...no, orgasms nice for thog. it hurt for not-nale?"

Elan shakes his head.

"It's nice for me too! Your face was just…"

Elan thinks back, visualizing it again.

"Wow."

It starts to really sink in, what he and Thog have just done. He… feels pretty good about it, honestly! He's connected with Thog! It was fun and hot! He holds his arms open.

"Do you wanna hug?"

"hugs!"

Hugs.

Hugs!

When the hug ends, Elan looks at the pile of clothes and tries to remember if Greater Invisibility will let him carry objects. He doesn't care about Nale's stuff, but he should probably keep track of that book!

The book is sitting in a puddle of orc semen. Remarkably, there's none on the book, and the pages look quite dry. Probably still best to get it out of there though.

Elan scoops it up! And inspects it. Does it look invisible in the way he and Thog do?

Yep! White outline and everything. There are a couple of pull-quotes on the front, reading "Not how invisibility works" - a random ogre in a random playground. "Do whatever you want forever" - anonymous wisdom, probably from somebody really sexy.

That wisdom is super wise!

Elan turns to Thog.

"I'm going to escape now," he says. "You should probably come with me."

Elan's not sure if Thog knows anything about Nale's plan, but he can imagine the look on Roy's face if he just left Thog in the prison with Greater Invisibility for the next few hours.

"yay! hanging out with not-nale probably even more fun than slaughtering way through guardhouse!"

Yeah, Imaginary Roy made a good call there.

"I agree!"

That guard pokes his head through the door. "You two keep down that... racket..."

He observes the non-visibility of his prisoners, and the puddle.

"Damn it, there really were ghosts! I need an old cleric and a young cleric! Right after I get a sample of this strange ectoplasm."

He opens the cell door and bends over to scoop up an evidence vial's worth of orc cum. (It's pretty difficult. Vials get slippery.)

Hehehehehe.

Elan makes a shhh! face at Thog, then squeezes past the guard to leave the cell.

Thog elects to squeeze the guard's butt, as he also squeezes past.

     "Oh sweet gods, the ghosts are having their ghostly way with me!" The guard runs out into the guardhouse proper, then out into the street.

Elan grins and flashes Thog a thumbs-up.

"OK, what's next… we should find a spellcaster who can use that Sending spell to talk to Roy. Or teleport us straight to Azure City. And I want to get this goatee shaved off before sunrise so people don't keep thinking I'm Nale. And get new clothes for when the invisibility wears off. Maybe I should do that first thing first. Oh, but we should probably leave the guardhouse in case one of the clerics has True Seeing."

He can probably do that last thing right now, actually, if the guard left the doors open.

He did! Thog joins him on the street outside, then gazes beatifically at the horizon, the sea, and the white limestone of the buildings around them, luminous pink-and-red-and-gold.

"oh wow. cliffport get really pretty sunrise."

Apparently time flies when you're having sex!

"Shoot! It is pretty, but that means our invisibility is gonna wear off soon!"

He flips the book open. Maybe there's a way to do the ritual again that buys them enough time to get some clothes?

Starting to strip without even considering the fact that we implied there was a nonzero chance of this resulting in you getting fucked in the ass against your will has raised ERO by 1! ERO is now 11!

Ritual Unlocked: Blood Runs Thicker

You don't know much about your father. What you do know is tainted by unreliable sources, like Nale and Thog. Why not get some objective universal truth?

Success: The truth.
Failure: You'll learn eventually.

Seeing a completely uncensored penis for what may be the first time and very nearly coming in your pants about it has increased your LST by 1! Your LST is now 16!

A skill has been created by a special action! Trying to communicate conversational metadata when your conversational partner cannot see you has created the skill Slash HJ!

Retroactively having heard about knotting and being kind of into it has increased your PRV by 1! Your PRV is now 18!

Ritual completed: Jailhouse Cock

Result: (Temporary) Greater Invisibility, +100 E-XP, +1 BOD
Augmentation #1: Second participant. Mass (temporary) Greater Invisibility, +100 E-XP, +1 SED, +1 FUK, thog unlocked for magicule!

Your Ero-Level has increased by 1! Your Ero-level is now 2! You now have 10 total stat points to distribute!

Soaking your ero-tome in cum has raised ERO by 2! ERO is now 13!

Walking out into the street completely naked has raised your BOD by 1, but your BOD cannot increase to 30 without an advancement ritual! Your BOD is locked at 29+1.

Advancement Ritual Unlocked: Smile and Wave, Boys

The secret of all great spies: Stealth is great, and lies are great, but they pale before the power of looking like you know what you're doing. You'll need clothes eventually, sure. But only because they're pretty. If you really strut your stuff, you're not just some random pervert, you're a work of art – so strut it. For at least 12 hours.

Success: Unlock BOD 30, +1 inherent Charisma
Failure: This ritual cannot "fail" per se, but you will totally get arrested.

Wow, that's a lot of text. It's interesting that the book kept updating in real time while it was closed. Can it not tell when he's reading it?

He's a bit nervous that it's giving him a ritual to learn about his father, given that the last ritual involved having sex with Thog. Hopefully whoever he ends up having sex with to find out about his dad won't… actually be his dad?

He doesn't really notice a difference between LST 15 and LST 16. He feels like maybe he should tell Thog about it? Not the whole story, just that he has a really nice penis. Since it raised one of his stats, and all.

Elan does not know what "conversational metadata" is! Maybe V would… then again, it has the word "conversation" in it so Roy would probably be a better person to ask.

He smiles at the bit about retroactively hearing about knotting. It's less the increased stat, though he does appreciate that part, and more—everyone else he's mentioned this basic bardic concept to has been weird about it. He feels a sense of kinship with the book, or whoever wrote it.

He wiggles happily at having completed the ritual. With an augmentation, even, that he didn't even know about! He's not sure what the difference between E-XP and regular XP is… did he also get 100 regular XP? Also, he doesn't know what a magicule is or what it means that Thog got unlocked for it. Maybe it just means that he'll get more rituals that involve Thog in the future. That'll be fun!

This book is super generous with stat point increases. Maybe it's because all the numbers are higher than regular stats? If BOD 28 and 29 are basically the same as CHA 19, then one regular stat point is equal to… uh… more than one E-stat point.

29+1 is going to be hard to remember, if Elan has to keep track of his stat points himself. So he should probably do this advancement ritual right away. Especially since it'll take his Charisma from 19 to…

(He counts on his fingers and toes.)

20! Wow! That'll increase his modifier, too! Yeah, he can keep his clothes off for 12 hours. Even though it's mid-March in Cliffport. And he'll have to hold the book the whole time… unless there's some sort of sex ritualist skill he can use to access his equipment without a plausible pocket.

He should probably get a pen so he can write questions in here. But for now:

"Okay, so the invisibility wearing off won't be a problem, because if I can show off my body until past sunset it'll make me better at doing sex magic! If you want new clothes now we can find some, though."

The subtitle embosses itself under his fingers, then changes to We won't make you do incest (unless you ask really nicely).

Meanwhile, a bit more text emerges on the page:

A skill has been created by a special action! Needing to stow your personal effects while gloriously nude has created the skill Sack of Holding!

"thog like showing off. also, difficult to find well-fitting loincloth in human district."

(Elan giggles at the skill name.)

"To the barbershop, then!"

He sets off. He has a feeling that the next barbershop they encounter will be open conveniently early for a reason that makes complete sense, and that it'll be reasonably close to the prison.

He's literally SO right about this. On the corner after the next they pass is "Bertie's Barbershop", the pole outside which advertises 5-silver shaves for all (and only those) men who do not shave themselves! Opening hours: all of them

Yay!

oh wait he's broke right now

Elan closes his eyes thoughtfully. Bertie's Barbershop will probably accept "alternate payment," that much is obvious. Elan's okay with this; he can pay in advance even. But maybe if he turns around he'll spot a single gold piece on the ground.

He totally does! It's on a slight downslope; he'll have to bend over pretty far to reach it.

Bend…

And snap!

Applause!

Elan turns around, blushing picturesquely. That sure sounds like more than just Thog saw!!

Yep! There's a gaggle of teenage wizard students clapping and giggling –

– until the also-teenage-but-definitely-legal wizard shepherding them clears his throat, at which they fall silent.

"We're already almost late," he says mildly. "And the moon being out doesn't mean the sun isn't up. Let's get a move on."

A mildly fearful hustle ensues. The shepherd gives Elan a friendly smirk as he goes with them.

Elan—waves shyly. He knows he's supposed to be less shy, but sue him, he was startled.

At least it was just a bunch of Julia's schoolmates. Elan's surprised by how young people in school look now, when he was that old just four or five years ago! Well, except the guy who had his own screenname and everything. He looked like he was closer to Elan's own age of 21. Definitely not super young at all.

This apparently isn't an extended scene, though, so Elan turns back to Thog.

"Those guys seemed nice!"

And then: into Bertie's.

Bertie's is staffed by a dwarf so intensely bearded as to resemble a Muppet, who raises a bushy eyebrow upon their entry.

"Orc isn't eligible, human is, why're you naked?"

Elan could just say that he's performing a ritual that requires nudity. But he gets the sense that this would be less… fun.

"I'm showing off how pretty I am!" is what comes out of his mouth. "Since I have 19 Charisma and everything. How could you tell that I don't shave myself but Thog does? Can you shave yourself? Since obviously you don't shave… your…"

Oh no!

The dwarf holds up one of the innumerable braids of beard. A spontaneous Bardic Knowledge check reveals that this braid indicates a female dwarf who has chosen to grow a beard for religious reasons.

"I shave men who don't shave themselves," she clarifies. "We get a guy in Tuesday-Thursday to shave women who don't shave themselves. And I guess you're pretty, for a twink. You want that tuft on your face removed? Because I'm not doing any other tufts."

Elan experiences the relief of paradox resolution!

"Oh, that makes sense! Yeah, just my chin is good."

Barber chair? Fun little cape that shouldn't reset the timer?

It's sheer muslin! His dick is still very much visible. (There's also a towel on the seat.)

Bertie clambers up to stand on a little misericord on the chairback, then starts shearing. Then she stops shearing.

"Is there glue in your beard?"

Elan doesn't nod, because the shears are still right there.

"Yeah, my evil twin brother framed me for all the crimes he did by knocking me out, switching our clothes, and gluing his beard onto me."

"thog helped!"

Bertie grumbles as she hops down and goes to retrieve a bottle of Universal Solvent (It's Not Water!) "Coulda told me before I started. Sovereign Glue's hell on razorblades... at least you've got a better reason to be naked than because I'm so pretty."

She splashes it onto a towel, wipes it over the blades, then starts scrubbing his face.

"Oh, sorry for not mentioning it…"

Maybe Bertie should keep the change from the gold piece. Especially since Elan is realizing just now that there might be more than just glue in there.

He thinks on this while staying still as she applies the not-water.

A skill has been created by a special action! Considering the needs of others and the inconvenience of making them clean up after your sexual misadventures has created the skill DNA Avoidance!

It doesn't take much scrubbing; the glue feels oddly hot as it dissolves, but not enough to hurt. She takes away the towel, now covered in fine blonde hair, and squints.

"Y'know, I could've sworn there was more glue there? But there sure isn't. D'you want a haircut while you're in the chair?"

"No thank you!"

Once the little barber cape is off, Elan feels his face.

"Yay, I'm smooth again!"

He hops out of the chair and sets the gold piece down on the counter. He should probably keep at least a little of his money, but maybe there's a tip jar?

Yeah, she can break the gold for silver and, if pressed, tell him that 20% is a decent tip. Then tell him how much 20% of five silver is.

What'll he do in the city, freshly shaved and in possession of four shiny silver pieces and also still buck-ass naked?

There's probably a lot of fun stuff to do in Cliffport! Elan really likes big cities; he had a blast during Southern New Year. But… he should probably get back to Azure City. He won't be able to have fun if he's worrying about his friends the whole time!

"Okay, now that I'm all shaven, I think it's time to find a spellcaster. Roy and the others probably teleported straight to Azure City with Nale as soon as we were arrested, so any other way of getting there would be way too slow."

"thog suggest rocket skates. plan simple: step one, break into evidence locker. step two, steal back thog's rocket skates. step three: rocket skates."

"That sounds very zany," says a politely amused voice from behind Elan, "but somehow I doubt that rocket skates are the best option for international travel. Especially one pair for two travelers."

Elan turns around again. It's that guy from earlier!

"Hi, guy from earlier! Yeah, you're probably right… there's probably lots of mountains and rivers between here and Azure City, and it would really suck if we crashed into something. Hey, do you know anyone who can cast Teleport?"

"Several," he demurs. "Some of them even have it prepared, or available spontaneously. I would, of course, want to know whom I was aiding in fleeing the country. And why he looked so much like a wanted mass murderer and demon summoner, accompanied by the aforementioned murderer's known accomplice. And, ideally, why they're both naked – if only to sate my own curiosity."

He flicks the tip of Elan's dick by way of conversational gesture.

"thog still think rocket skates sound fun," Thog grunts. "journey more important than destination."

Elan giggles when he's flicked.

"I can explain all of those things! Do you wanna get coffee or something? Maybe steal the rocket skates anyway?"

Thoughtful hum. "I have a class to TA in five hours... but I doubt this will take that long, or if it does, it'll be narratively convenient. Let's steal your rocket skates and get some coffee."

"decisive thog victory!"

"Yay!"

To the jail!

"Okay, how do we wanna do this? It would be handy if I could repeat my invisibility ritual, but that might reset the timer on my showing off ritual. Or maybe I could cast Disguise Self and pretend to be a guard? Wait, that might also reset the timer…"

The man casts Disguise Self and walks into the station.

Five rounds later, he walks out followed by a floating basket containing the rocket skates, Nale's and Thog's gear, one of those little cardboard coffee trays, and a box of anachronistically frosted doughnuts.

"Wow, you're good! Do you wanna have the coffee in that park where Durkon and Vaarsuvius fought the evil gnome druid?"

"Hm. The one where all of the trees exploded? You're a braver man than I, risking that many splinters."

"Huh? Oh, right, because I'm not wearing anything. I forgot that I might get splinters in my butt about that. You know Cliffport better than me, do you have an idea you like?"

A skill has been created by a special action! The possibility of suffering totally unsexy injury while nude has created the skill DR 2/ERO!

the book writes, inside its covers, where he can't see it.

"I confess I had an idea in mind."

With a masterful scene-transition, they find themselves sitting at a patio table out by the front of the university. Passers-by are nearly constant, though he's put up a spell that keeps them from hearing the actual conversation.

"My name is Timothy Koan," Timothy says apropos of nothing. "Since it hasn't come up naturally in dialogue. What's yours?"

What a great transition! Elan's pretty sure that there was a page break just there, maybe even a cutaway scene to the rest of the Order or Team Evil.

"I'm Elan! And this is Thog."

"Enchanté. That's one question of mine partly answered; do you recall the rest?"

Elan thinks.

"You wanted to know why I looked like Nale, why I was hanging out with Thog, and… why we wanted to go to Azure City? And maybe something else."

Timothy steeples his fingers in front of himself. "Are you certain you can't remember what else?"

There's a hand on Elan's prick.

(Thog is committing double-fisted violence against fried pastry.)

"Wow, do you have three hands?"

Elan shivers; the touch feels good.

"Okay, I definitely remember. You wanted to know why—why we're naked. I can tell the full story but I might get distracted. More than usual."

"All those bardic skill ranks, and none in Spellcraft." Timothy notes. "Please do tell; we'll see if I can hold your interest."

At hold, there's a squeeze around his balls.

Does Timothy have a different pun-based prestige class Elan actually doesn't know about those in this timeline. He casts Summon Plot Exposition as a visual aid.

"Okay, so I have a twin brother, Nale. He was raised by our Lawful Evil dad, I was raised by our Chaotic Good mom. We first met in a dungeon my party was exploring. We were going to kill this lich, the lich hired his team to kill us. Our team managed to beat his team, we sent him to be arrested but I guess he escaped. After we beat the lich, I blew up the dungeon, and then Lord Shojo sent this paladin to arrest us about it, but really he wanted to tell us the secret lore of the Sapphire Guard and hire us to do some stuff that the paladins couldn't because they were paladins."

Elan takes a donut to fiddle with while he talks.

"But then Nale kidnapped Roy's sister, Roy's my party leader, so we came here to save her. Except that was a trap so that Nale could switch our clothes and glue his beard to my face so I would go to jail for six months and he could kill everyone else. When the guards came to give us our stuff back, uh, Nale's stuff and Thog's stuff I mean, there was a book in Nale's stuff about being a sex wizard that said it was great for escaping prison cells. It's an intelligent book, it can write in itself, and it told me that if I took my clothes off I would have Greater Invisibility until sunrise. So I did that, and Thog did that, and we had fun, and then we walked out. And while I was thinking about finding new clothes, the book told me that if I keep my clothes off for twelve hours it'll raise my Charisma score. So now I'm doing that."

That was a lot! Also, he forgot that Summon Plot Exposition would show Timothy pictures of his sex scene with Thog.

Timothy listens, rapt. He intermittently screws with the Mage Handjob to make Elan lose his train of thought, but only a little.

"Do you mind showing me the book? I'm curious how it's enchanted; intelligent items have always been a pet project of mine."

Elan produces the tome, setting it on the table.

"Here it is!"

His eyes start glowing silver. The Mage Hand keeps doing its job, so it's not a concentration-based spell; either he's got Permanency or he's using some kind of alternate rules system. Or he has Archmage levels.

"Fascinating," he murmurs. "Would you like to know what this book is?"

Elan doesn't worry about it! Mostly because, now that he doesn't have exposition to deliver, he's free to enjoy himself. He starts eating the donut he picked to increase his enjoyment.

"Hm?" he asks around a mouthful of pastry. "Besides being a book? Yeah, sure!"

"That's the interesting part, though," Timothy says, twisting the Hand as he picks up the tome. "It's just... a book. Leather. Paper. Glue and ink. As magical as your grandmother's wooden teeth. At least, that's what Arcane Sight tells me.

"But Detect Thoughts disagrees. There's a mind there. And in another round, I'll..."

...stop talking, apparently. Sit there, his jaw suddenly slack, his breeches suddenly failing to conceal an erection. Let the book fall down onto the tabletop.

Oh no! Elan has heard that if you try to use Detect Thoughts on someone who's too smart or powerful or weird, their mind will sometimes bite back. Like being bonked on the head with a comically oversized cartoon mallet. Elan scoops the book up, flipping it open.

"What did you do⁈ Is he gonna be okay?"

Beneath the skill notifications for DNA Avoidance and DR 2/Ero is... a ritual!

Ritual Unlocked: We Don't Ask Where You People Keep Your Brains

Listen, we had nothing to do with this. It's how the spell works. If you point it at an entity like us, you're lucky if all you get is Stunned for a round or two – and Timothy Koan is many things, but he's not lucky. That being said, we're a very nice entity. You can fix him.

(Not like that. That'll take a whole quest chain.)

Right now, he's brainfucked. Semi-literally. You can treat this condition by reminding him that there's a world, that it's as real as it ever was, and it's got nice things like blowjobs in it.

Success: +200 E-XP, +1 FUK, Timothy Koan unlocked for magicule
Failure: Timothy Koan returns to sentience without your help, or doesn't. You can make that choice later, but we recommend door number 2.

"wizard broken?" Thog asks. "thog like wizard. got doughnuts."

… Wow, is the book telling him that it's okay for him to suck Timothy's dick while he's in an eldritch coma?

"It says I can fix him," he says distractedly. He isn't sure how long the privacy spell will last, so…

He slides under the table and gets up in Timothy's business, by which he means his crotch.

The breeches cooperate with being tugged down in a hurry.

He's pretty well hung. Not Thog-hung. Not even (from what Elan has occasionally seen, mostly against his will) Belkar-hung. But that there is a good, solid cock; paler even than Elan's, uncut and sort of statuesque with it, so hard it's twitching.

Elan shuts his eyes and takes a deep breath. It's a nice smell.

Then he opens his eyes so he can gently take it in hand and guide the tip to his mouth.

Upon skin contact, Timothy resumes breathing, which he hadn't been.

Upon tongue contact, he starts twitching. (Parts of him that aren't his dick, at least.) His hands tremble out of their slack position and reach towards Elan's scalp.

Oh, it's working!

Elan slides his mouth forward—opens his jaw a little wider—keeps going. Presses his tongue against the underside. Everyone knows you have to be careful with the teeth; it's tricky to do that and also keep a seal with his lips but he knows he's going to get a lot of practice.

He almost feels like his throat is going to force him to gag, but he keeps going and it instead… doesn't. Okay, that's good.

Elan could try to keep going down until he's got the whole thing inside, but first he thinks he's gonna pull back a little, pressing with his lips and tongue.

Timothy approves of this!

Oh good.

It's honestly really nice to be able to experiment like this. He thinks about trying to figure out how to get Timothy off as fast as possible, but… that seems wrong, in a way. Not, like, morally speaking! But it seems less fun. The book said that Elan's job was to remind Timothy about nice things, which definitely feels different from using sex as an oversized cartoon mallet to bonk his head the other way. So he can take a little time, he thinks. He moves his mouth up and down the shaft, each time down putting his lips closer to the base than the last.

It tastes a lot less like Elan imagined it might than, well, he imagined. Not zero, but less.

He might not have that much longer to have fun and be himself, though, if Timothy's breathing is anything to go by.

Oh, good! It sounds like Timothy's gonna be okay.

Elan picks up the pace, a little, spurred on by what he can hear. His hand, the one that's on Timothy's hip area and not his dick area, squeezes.

Timothy manages to scratch Elan's scalp pleasantly, his fingers shaking, as he comes.

That tastes a lot less like he might have imagined. Or, for that matter, tasted of his own. It's bittersweet, with a hint of almond flavor, and the texture is creamier than it should be.

Whoa, what? Elan pulls back in surprise, feeling the taste in his mouth. Is Timothy, like, part frosting elemental or something? Elan wipes some of the cum off of Timothy's dick to confirm whatever the heck is going on.

It's cum. It looks, feels and smells approximately normal.

(Also, the mouthfeel was really closer to a crème pâtissière than a frosting. Not that he has any reason to make that skill check.)

Okay, Elan knows he wasn't imagining the almondy taste. He pulls away and gets out from under the table so he can look in his book for answers, and probably also see how Timothy's doing above the waist.

The book's still open.

"What's The Nectar?"

Tom blinks, a little less blearily than he had been. "...I don't know if I'm expected to answer that."

"thog think nectar come from nectarines."

Skill: The Nectar

You gain bonuses from consuming sexual fluids you have personally extracted from others. Every person's precious bodily fluids convey different abilities, hinted at by tastes and sensations you may learn to identify. Greater potency can be achieved if your partner has not achieved orgasm in at least 72 hours. Mixing synergetic sexual fluids can yield greater results, but the fluids must be mixed in situ; that is to say, you'd better get good at sucking with your mouth full.

Nectar Catalogue

Timothy Koan

• Minor: +2 on Spellcraft checks for 1hr/intimacy level

• Major: ???

• Synergies: ???

Ritual completed: We Don't Ask Where You People Keep Your Brains

Result: +200 E-XP, +1 FUK, Timothy Koan unlocked for magicule!

"Oh, I was asking the book," Elan says idly, reading the description. "What does in situ mean? While sitting?"

He shakes his head and looks up at Timothy.

"I'm sorry that happened; I didn't expect it at all. Do you feel pretty much okay now?"

"I feel... quite well, yes. Something of a headache, but there aren't rules for headaches, so I see little reason to care."

He takes a look over Elan's shoulder.

"In situ means 'where you found it'. In this case, that means 'in your mouth'."

"Oh! That makes the full mouth comment make sense."

He looks thoughtfully at the book.

"It's too bad that reading its mind is so dangerous. Where were we at when that happened?"