The bar is unusually empty. Just one girl, sitting on a barstool, reading one of a rather large stack of napkins.
She leans back out. "Ma--Ava? Do you know what's wrong with your house?"
"What's wrong with my what?" Another girl comes up to the door. "...I have no idea what's going on. But this is not my house."
"I mean, when I said 'what's wrong with your house' I meant more 'why your house was missing.'"
Marie asks, "If the bar's a person, how do they communicate?"
"I don't think the woman from another universe was commenting on your parents' failings in particular, Helen," Marie says. "I sincerely doubt the woman from another universe knew about your parents' failings in particular."
"Your mother has a pet cat?" Marie asks.
"I love you dearly but I fail to see how that's the most important part of what I just said," Helen says.
"It's the only part I didn't already know," Marie points out.
"We still haven't completely eliminated the infant mortality rate either," Marie points out.
"We've done a good enough job on it that 'that survives to non-baby-hood' isn't usually considered a necessary qualifier."
"Storks are golems that listen for crying babies outside of settled areas, find babies, pick them up, and bring them to creches. Creches mark their roofs with symbols that attract storks because otherwise the storks can get a little confused and leave the babies in random other parts of town, which is still better than 'in a hollow log' or whatever."
"Okay, most babies, sure, but where we're from occasionally people reincarnate, and being an adult in a baby's body is unpleasant enough without the threat of death by exposure."
"The three of us...were in what we're fairly certain were all of our first lives, members of two groups that interacted with each other fairly often. And frequently encountered things that have strange effects. If literally none of the rest of those groups or other similar ones were similarly affected that would be surprising. And evidence that the universe enjoys laughing at our pain," Marie explains.
"...Okay. I reincarnate too. This is life three. I had no inkling of having previously existed until I started dreaming rounds one and two a couple months ago, which I might have dismissed as weird dreams if I hadn't gone to the city my past lives lived in and found their house. I don't know if... if anyone else reincarnates, and I don't think it would have bothered me in the long run if I had - or possibly did - die a few times as a baby until I got lucky and a stork found me."
"We're fully conscious of our past lives from infancy. It is so, so awkward," Helen says. "Marie and I, anyway. The only thing I know about Gregory is that he exists. Well. The only thing I know about his reincarnating tendencies, anyway." She shudders, and a dark look passes over her face. "This is life two for Marie and Gregory, but it's life three for me. The first time I died it was an accident, but Gregory decided to blame Marie. And when he finally hunted her down for revenge, she had died too. Of old age. So he decided to take his decades of grudge out on her significantly-younger widow." She puts a hand to her neck protectively.
"My first time I died of a disease, age twenty-four. Second time I fell down the stairs. I don't remember this, you understand, I only get so many dreams a night, but second life I made a really good golem that can talk and it can fill in what I don't know from reading my old notes - I've always been a really obsessive notetaker."
"Well, I even have notes from the first time when I had no idea to expect to wake up again. First life was named Aly, second life Kib. These are all nicknames - for some reason we have all received and then shortened names with the syllable 'bel', I have no idea how that happened three times in a row. Alymbel, Akibel, Beluna."
"No, that's not it, exactly, just - I haven't dreamed any of my deaths yet, just one of Aly's close calls. But I did dream, um, my husband's. If I can call him that. He was Aly's age, he married her, she died, and then he found Kib and - they got married too, and - there's only been one of him, but if he were going to reincarnate, he ought to be thirty. He ought to have had a lot of dreams by now but he hasn't been to the house."
"I'm actually in the middle of looking for him. He could look dramatically different, I have every time, but servants seem to recognize us the same, the golem called me 'milady' right away - and we had some parrots, and parrots live a long time. Just in case. So I've brought a couple of parrots with me and I've told them that if they see him they should go land on him. I have an idea of who he might be, because he was always the projects type. I have a few people I've heard of who could be him who I'm going to parrot-check."
"Yeah. I just - he should have been having dreams for thirteen, fourteen years. But that's not enough time to guarantee that any of them would be about me. It could be all childhood and teens or the interim as a widower. The dreams seem to be totally random. But I've gotten a lot of really romancey ones..."
"But anyway, he might not be reincarnated. It can't be common. I've never found anyone else - we're not exactly publicizing it, but it doesn't even come up in fiction except with religious figures and in fantasy, and the rules are different from what I'm working with in those stories."
"Well - that problem I mostly won't have. Except for the period of time when Kib had moved into the house with Aydanci - that was my, their, our, whatever, the husband's name, Aydanci - but they weren't dating because Kib hadn't yet remembered that Aydanci wasn't technically straight. That was a little embarrassing."
"Sounds like it worked out for you. I do wonder what it would have been like being a baby remembering everything from the first. ...Kib might not have gone back to Aydanci right away just because that would have been awkward if one of us were five and the other thirty. But he would've written a letter so Aydanci didn't worry about me continuing to be dead. Aydanci was a very bitter unhappy sort of widower. Although it did motivate him to accelerate his existing public health project to the point where the pox that killed me, among other diseases, is now totally eradicated."
"I showed up on her doorstep at the age of eighteen after managing to convince myself I wasn't crazy like my biological family thought I was. I...won't go into the details of why they were able to convince me of that, like, at all, but that was most of why I didn't contact her sooner. I of all people will admit that the parenting system has its flaws," Helen says.
"We didn't communicate as well as we should have," Helen says. "We had a tendency to be passive-aggressive about things instead of talking about them like adults. We...were the first happiness each other had had in a long time, and assumed that meant we were supposed to just work and didn't put in the effort we should have."
"If you have a quality called S-Factor--no one knows what exactly it is--and it gets activated, then you get powers. Unfortunately, while the ways to activate S-Factor are varied, they're near-universally harmful if you don't have it, and no one's figured out how to test for dormant S-Factor yet," Marie explains.
"Servants made of light. There are shades, too, which are shadows that behave likewise. Let's see, do I have my -" She reaches into her pocket and pulls out a small lens, and focuses some of the ambient light into a spot on the surface of the bar. Then she touches the edge of this light, and pulls it away; for an instant only, there is no light where the lens is aimed, and then it's swiftly replaced, with an identical blot where she dragged the first. The dragged spot of light makes lazy figure eights while she pockets the lens again. "I'm just operating this one myself, but I could program it."
And now it can zoom around in the air, quite freely. It spins. "This is amazing! There aren't any servants that work like this - shines have always been limited to surfaces and puppets and automata and golems can only fly if you make them with wings or propellers and you can't directly move a pet."
"I don't know for sure that it'll still work when we're in different universes again," Helen says. "But I suppose we could test it--if I go out and Marie closes the door and opens it again a little later to let me out, that should at least test whether it needs my continued presence."
"I can try to teach you! But if you don't have any kind of servantmaking in your world it might be that you can't do it. ...Programming them isn't magical, though, so you could still feed them programs as long as you didn't feed them glitches and send them someplace you couldn't find them again."
Lu sets up her lens and attempts to explain shinemaking. "We usually start with puppets but I don't have anything suitable on me and you'd probably ding something borrowed from Bar wobbling it around. So you do have to touch it, but you don't want to occlude much of the light from the source or you'll get a weird shape. Just the edge of your fingernail. Touch, vividly imagine it coming away like it's a physical object, pull - gently."
Lu has only a few other things to try - "tug of war" apparently helps some students, with them and a teacher or elder student trying to take the shine in opposite directions at the same time; other students have better luck with using their non-dominant hands; Lu has even heard secondhand that someone prefers to make shines on wet surfaces, and Bar provides a shotglass of water to spill into a puddle under the lens. But after a certain point she can't help. She borrows a book too.
"Sure. It's certainly better than nothing, at least. Oh, I can make barriers with touching edges--they register to my senses as separate barriers but I can form contiguous three-dimensional objects with them. It might be worth doing to see if you get one of those as the whole thing or just one of the component barriers."
"I want so many of these. I might have to turn around and bring them all home to avoid tromping around with a flock of them between a dozen city-states, but they're more important than checking any given Aydanci possibility right away given that I won't be able to make more without you."
"I'm half-tempted just to move to your world," Helen admits. "I'm not going to--Marie would never go for it, and I'd miss the technological infrastructure. But going our separate ways feels so inefficient. Well, I'll get started making them--I imagine you'll want some to specific specifications, but if you want as many as it is sane to want just generating a ton in a variety of different shapes can only be useful--and you can start teaching me programming."
"Despite maintaining a policy of misanthropy because I'm guaranteed to outlive just about everyone I interact with on a daily basis, I have managed to accumulate some loved ones other than Helen. And I would also miss the infrastructure," says Marie, who is still reading her book but not so deep into it that she doesn't notice when someone says her name.
"...Yeah. It's the result of more than a hundred years of development. And it's not just the technology itself. There's almost a hundred years of culture surrounding it and content posted to it and stuff like that. It would be a little like trying to replace a library by building bookshelves, even if you could do it."
And she experiments with shining a light of another color at a hard shine in the air, to see if she can then peel them away from each other and have an ordinary shine not restricted to surfaces; this she'll be able to replicate at home if she likes.
"...Do you mean you want me to make a light co-occupying a thing. Um. I appreciate that science is important here but it's really really unpleasant so please think about what level of discomfort you would be willing to deal with in order to perform this experiment and then tell whether I should still do it."
"I mean I want to get an apple from Bar and try to send a hard shine through it so I know what happens. How unpleasant would it be? I wouldn't want to, say, be crippled until the next time I die for this result, since I can experiment after I've gotten them home. But it matters for what kinds I want - if they're a disaster to touch at speed, I probably shouldn't use them as vehicles unless I'm manually piloting and never let anyone I don't trust puppet one for themselves, if they disintegrate if I run one into something then I don't have to be so careful about who I let handle them except insofar as I'd need to beware my supply, etcetera."
Lu shows her the notes she's got on how she needs to revise the standard syntax. (It's all in natural language, to a point, just standardized for easy error-checking; it is not necessary to write a new shine operating system.) Shines normally have directions designated with an array of symbols, conventionally shortening "north south east west" even though they will retain the mapping of directions to sides after turning - at least that's what the book says; it turns out Lu prefers abbreviations for "bow stern starboard port" (as translated by Milliways. She has added "mast" and "keel" for, loosely, up and down. There is no way to draw the new directions into a flat instruction sheet, so Lu has written a short program introduction describing "mast" as the direction away from the side of the shine reading the instructions and "keel" as towards the instructions. Likewise, she has to describe pitch and roll. (Yaw is handled just fine with conventional shine instructions; it's just called turning.) "It's possible that after I've been working with these long enough they'll embed into the natural language without further explanation and I'll be able to use them plain. Which will be important if I want to give them long complicated instructions."
"I mean, I'm only seventeen, don't remember most of my first two rounds of servantmaking education, and had to learn the other four servant kinds too, two of which don't require programming at all and the other two of which are different in general limitations and applications, so I don't want you to think this is more complicated than it is. For the flat kind, anyway."
None of the models had it as a transmissible thing in a way I can transmit.
"Oh well."
"Yeah. ...It occurs to me that you probably never ever want these to move at top speed. Regular shines can't hurt anything that way, but they're ludicrously fast and I don't know how far away you'd have to be to make that safe to watch if they even went through the air that fast, let alone hit anything."
"Huh. You can sort of do that with shines. Shines can go through each other when they aren't this kind, and they can be any color a patch of light can be. So if you get a bunch of stacks of them in different color, and then put the stacks in a grid, and program them all to change where they are in the stack based on what they see on the surface they're on, you can copy a picture fuzzily onto shines. But shines can only see what they're actually on, not things that are farther away. I don't think I've heard of them being used to match focused light from somewhere else, but that could probably work too."
"Actually...if the hard shines can be moved around physically, I bet you could make some kind of super-durable sail or wings with them and use the wind powers with that. Doesn't do you much good, granted, but it's something for Helen to think about while you two are making shines for us to take home."
Lu has got the basic commands all working; she has a shine doing a programmed little dance in the air. She shows them to Helen. "Remember, I can re-puppet the shines if they go nuts, as long as they don't go completely out of reach. If you mess up a program and can't get it to hold still long enough to put new instructions on it, once I'm not around, you'll have to either dismiss it entirely and not be able to make more or let it keep doing its thing forever. And the hard ones could be dangerous, especially if you forget to speed-limit them."
"Sure. I just meant that a finite number of hard shines likely had a higher relative usefulness than a finite number of normal ones. The normal ones seemed a little harder to transport, though, given that I can't just pick them up...although I could carry them out on portable flat surfaces, it's true."
They're cheaper in paperback, says Bar, replacing the stack, including a softcover of Jovial.
Bar lends her four more lenses like this. Lu arranges them and starts making shines five at a time, one per finger on her right hand; her left turns pages as the pages fill up with patches of light.
Eventually, all the books are full of shines in many colors, and substantial areas of the bar are taken up by stacks and stacks of many sizes of hard shine, and Lu makes sure all the hard shines they're going to take home can be physically moved, and then puppets hers - along with some purchases of her own from Bar - right out the door.
At that point, it is quite late relative to when Helen and Marie woke up, subjectively. Not totally convinced that they've gotten all the benefit they can out of Milliways, and preferring to try to get their biological clocks more in sync with their native time zone, they shove their shines out the door manually and flop down on the couch for the "night," having decided not to spend the money on a room.
"So we can borrow a thing and see if it works for me."
Yes.
"Ideally. I considered trying to sell the books I got to publishing houses and claiming I'd written them, but that's a bad idea for a wide variety of reasons. I'm not in the best position to find people to reverse-engineer technology I could bring home, either. The problem is that a lot of the money I have I'm going to need to spend sooner than I could expect dividends from bringing things home to pay off."
"Out of season fruit is actually really easy to get where I'm from. And it would be kind of hard to sell, generally when people want fruit they go to places that make a business of selling food rather than someone who won't suffer if they don't get repeat business because there was something wrong with what they were selling."
"Well, first of all, I didn't write them. Someone else did. I feel...not entirely okay with claiming their accomplishments for my own. More practically, anyone I sent it to might notice that it had already been professionally edited, and once I ran out of books that had already written I would suddenly be mysteriously unable to write good literature anymore."
"Nobody in your world will get to read the books at all if you don't bring them back and share them. I never wrote but if I did I'd probably rather you pretend they were yours than never let anybody see them. And you can space them out and pretend you take ages to write and just say you have good spelling or got a friend to proofread."
"Maybe I could claim that I found the books in the attic and they were written by my dead grandmother or something, I could probably claim that more convincingly than I could that I had written them."
"It'll probably be all right eventually for me to move rain from places with floods to places with droughts, and stuff, but they're usually not right next to each other. I might have to travel a lot. In the meantime I'm supposed to stop in case I wreck stuff."
The air around them stirs, and thin, fast-moving strands of air push them off the ground. It's different than most other kinds of flying--the wind has to be strong enough, fast enough to move a not very air-catching object. But their actual motion is perfectly controlled.
"To clarify: each person or group of persons who's been in Milliways so far while we were here had a different universe's kind of Doing Stuff. Helen and I have superpowers, the woman who looked like you had something called servantmaking, and the kid who left just before you came in had weather magic."
"It's, uh, you move - not necessarily very much, but sometimes - and you move your element with you." She uncaps a bottle of water she's got clipped to her waistband, snakes it out with arm motions, loops it around herself, turns it into a swath of ice between her hands, liquifies it again and funnels it back into its bottle.
"Oh, there's lots of different kinds of powers. People who can fly and people who are really strong or really fast or really tough, a few different people whose exact powers I'm not sure of but used them in a healing capacity, people who can change shape...lots of things. I don't know for sure that no one else is reincarnating, but Gregory's the only one besides the two of us where we know for sure."
"Powers haven't been around very long. Less than a century. There are some people who might be the same person again, but there are also some very similar ones that occur at the same time. And you have to get your powers activated, you're not just born with them, and you have to get them reactivated after you're reborn. I'm on life three, and I spent my whole second life powerless."
"No. I don't even have a consistent personality. I think it's kind of dumb to call the other Avatars 'me' in any meaningful sense. Might as well call people who used to have some fraction of the calcium in my bones my 'past lives', really, since the spirit isn't doing anything with me-as-a-person, just the nifty powers. And influencing my taste in playthings when I was a baby."
"Explaining internet to Lu was...not totally futile, but interesting. That makes a lot of sense, we don't generally get straight-up duplicate powers--not in two different people, anyway--and similarish powers aren't all that common either, but there's still a lot of money to be made if you have the right power doing public works projects or interesting things for bored rich people."
"Sounds cool. I can do some unique combined element stuff, and also I can, from the right meditative state, talk to the spirits of past Avatars and steal their knowhow. Supposedly they could also possess me but I have yet to be in a situation where that would be useful. But for most purposes most of the time I'm not more useful to hang around than one of each."
"It's sort of...culturally expected, in a way. Before powers showed up, most of the fictional stories about idiosyncratic powers like that were of superheroes and supervillains, and people reacted accordingly. Being a caped super is the best way to become a powered celebrity, and you can make a lot more money off your power in various ways if you're famous."
"I like sparring as much as anyone, but if the fights are real someone's going home with a broken neck or third-degree burns over sixty percent of their body. I have some noninjurious options; many benders don't if they're dealing with an opponent who actually wants to hurt them."
"I mean, it does depend on control. Adult benders who keep up with their lessons can usually avoid injuring you right at the moment. But being significantly encased in stone or ice doesn't do a lot for your ability to take deep breaths, and the latter will also cause temperature problems if left long enough; firebenders have all the obvious limitations; and airbenders mostly have 'swat you into solid things' at various levels of remove if we don't want to keep you floating in midair forever, and even me, in the Avatar State, trying really hard, can't guarantee that somebody doesn't have an eggshell skull or a neck injury history or no ability to land intelligently. Are you a vigilante type?"
"It's good for disrupting other peoples' powers too, if those powers involve moving stuff around in any way. And it can be good for things like mobility--I can make horizontal barriers in midair and stand on them. And if someone's dumb enough to start things anywhere near civilians it's really good for preventing collateral damage."
"...Well, I can fly. And I can knock other people out of the air reasonably well without hurting them, if there are fliers on the other side. I can blow things through the air under the right circumstances, so if there was, say, a pumice boulder handy I could throw rocks at people. I can make supersonic wind blades that make a loud enough boom to disorient and temporarily deafen opponents. Since I have very good control of my powers, I can almost hit someone with a regular wind blade and make them jump in a certain direction."
"Soundbending's very niche in my world. I can do a little, but if I needed to do anything major with it I'd have to go all glowy and ransack past incarnations for details. You can just straight fly? That's possible with airbending but very hard, it's overwhelmingly easier to do it with a glider or in a batsquirrel suit."
"...At will and without expending scarce resources other than time, but, I mean, it takes a little doing and I'll be dead to the world, and also I'm not sure what being in this weird place will do to my interactions with my usual weird place. However, it seems sort of unlikely that you're the first person to wonder this within earshot of any Avatar before, so I would still expect legends if there had once been a waterbending animal."
"I don't know, I pulled that as an example out of thin air; there's no reason to think it would be that and not some less statistically visible creepy thing. There isn't actually any particular reason for there to be a creepy thing, but since we don't have a clue how it works..." Shrug.
"And the fact that the reincarnation thing is happening suggests that there's more we don't know about what it does, let alone how it works. Back about six and a half decades ago some reclusive inventor type made and sold a bunch of power amplifiers, but he stopped after...a supervillain got their hands on one and was obnoxious with it until it broke, and no one's been able to figure out how they work since. I think most of them are in museums or private collections right now."
"Oh, I see. Missing theory, not missing manufacturing knowhow. Huh. Some bending get more powerful at certain times - firebenders like daytime and comets, waterbenders like full moons and night, for top performance earthbenders rely on some geological properties unless they're specially trained as sand or metal benders, airbenders oddly enough like high altitudes but it's much less obvious for the latter two than it is for fire and water."
"...Well, if the sides are mixed, yes, but historically that's often not the case. We're integrating more, but there's still an Earth Kingdom and Water Tribes and a Fire Nation. Airbenders were nearly wiped out and are no longer an obviously distinct ethnicity, but they've reclaimed some temples and stuff."
"Bending's hereditary - not everyone has it and it can skip a generation but you don't get a long line of earthbenders turning up a waterbender - and dragons live in one place and badgermoles another, flying bison and the moon both kinda get around more but waterbenders were the only people who could live at the poles effectively and wanted to and airbenders were doing a monastic nomad thing rather than interbreeding with anyone else. Also, being able to bend and not having a competent teacher around is thoroughly dangerous, so populations clustered for that reason too - or all died in fires or whatever."
"There was a war. Fire Nation versus Everybody Else. Lasted a hundred years, mostly because the Avatar at the beginning of that century was a twelve-year-old boy who panicked, accidentally sealed himself in an iceberg, and couldn't bring it to an end until he was diseniced by some South Polars a hundred years later. They did various things, including de-bend the Phoenix King and put his more cooperative son on the throne, and the war was over. Airbenders had an enormous population bottleneck - that Avatar, Aang, was the only genetically-airbender person on the entire planet. And he only had three kids. And only one of them was an airbender, so I and all other airbenders are descended from that one kid. Fortunately he had more than his dad did and reliably threw benders; we're still hugely in the minority, but we're not going to go extinct any time soon and I'm a generation too late to receive probing from nuns about when I'm going to reproduce."
"I don't think so. It's probably a combination of really little things - hard to fly when heavily pregnant, rough patch with my dad around the time I was a baby, flareup of minor ailments, that sort of thing. Wouldn't put it past her to decide she wants another baby even this late, though, they're still pretty young."
"I think Ranyi likes to imagine herself above that sort of thing. Besides, it was a grandmotherly sort of interest, from most of the involved nuns. Ranyi teaches little kids basic airbending forms for a living and sometimes talks to nuns who teach advanced classes about the students."
"Even if you had a rare genetic trait the continued existence of which might be really spiritually important which had spent a hundred twenty years just shy of wiped out, and they were being nice about it, and you liked children enough to work with them all the time anyway?"
"Oh, I wasn't criticizing your mom. I just...I try not to get attached to more people who aren't reincarnating than I have to, and the idea of loving someone as much as I would love a child and then watching them die and not come back sends my brain into a screaming panic if I dwell on it too much."
"Mm...I haven't really stopped to sit down and order them, but off the top of my head ten weirder things were getting my powers in the first place, having Helen show up on my doorstep eighteen years after she died, having my original mom and little brother die while I was at school and finding out after half an hour of trying to ask people why there was a police cordon outside my house, being an infant again, finding Milliways, finding out Helen-as-Beatrice had died by finding her obituary on the internet, walking out on the super scene and trying to get my shit together after Helen died the first time, fielding questions about our relationship from people who wanted to know why I was married to someone several decades younger than I was, and seeing Gregory in his new body for the first time."
"Ah. One can do a survey degree, which basically means 'I am smart and directionless' and presages a career as a librarian, writer, or nonspecialized schoolteacher. It's more typical to pick two things and study them in parallel or, if at all possible, their intersection. Bending theory and medicine, or architecture and history, or engineering and materials science, or astronomy and astrophysics."
The Avatar hasn't talked to Bar this entire time. She sits down, introduces herself, gets a lychee beverage and a stack of napkin explanations, buys a bunch of stuff with some kind of credit object she has with her, and drags it all out with the aid of her bottled water, turned into a thin sheet of ice.
"So, uh, congratulations, in another universe you're a servantmaker or a weather mage or an Avatar. I don't know what all servantmakers do besides making little animate bits of light, but a weather mage is exactly what it sounds like and an Avatar is an aerokinetic, geokinetic, hydrokinetic and pyrokinetic all rolled into one, with some hefty cultural baggage attached."
"...Saying 'subtle arts' probably won't help if you don't know what we are. Um, telepathy, but I'm not uncontrollable and not reading your mind except insofar as I can tell you exist. I have a little telekinesis potential and some subtle artists can also do pyrokinesis but not me. I'm in school for therapy but haven't gotten to much of the curriculum that's actually about that per se."
"It was around this time that people started spontaneously acquiring random powers. No one knows why. So she and I had just met, and neither of us was in a particularly healthy brainspace, and then we were nearby when there was some kind of industrial accident--powers where we're from are based on something called S-Factor, and most of the ways to activate it involve things that would otherwise kill you. And we already liked each other, and we made plans to be heroes together, since that was a thing that had started happening."
"And we had an argument," Marie sighs. "Which was precipitated by some circumstantial stuff and also how messed up we were at the time, but it was a really big argument. And I sort of stormed off and became a villain instead. For the record I don't actually condone my past self's actions, I am well and truly reformed."
"So we ended up each others nemeses, and we each ended up leading a team--Vanguard for her, the Dark Legion for me. And then thirteen years after we had our fight, we were duking it out in a mountainous area, and accidentally caused a cave-in. The rocks above us were unstable enough that we couldn't try to get them out of the way without maybe risking being crushed, so we were trapped. And one of the rocks fell on Helen's leg, crushing it. She started crying--about how she didn't want to die, and she was sorry for her part in our argument, and she had been so miserable for unrelated reasons since then but it would have been better if she had at least had me. And she was sorry. And she was sorry. And she didn't want to die but she so extremely didn't want to die without saying the thing she had not been brave enough to say for thirteen years, which was that she was sorry and she missed me." She swallows. "And I held her and told her it was alright and promised her anything if she would only hold on long enough for help to arrive, I'd give up my wicked ways, I'd turn myself in to the authorities if she wanted, anything, if only she would only not die. And she tried so hard to hang on, but willpower can only hold out against so much blood loss. She died in my arms. And when the Dark Legion showed up and got me out of the rubble, I gave them instructions to give her body back to Vanguard. And then I left, and I didn't come back."
"But I managed to find Marie and everything was like I would expect it to be from what I remembered and I calmed down and after a while things were pretty much fine. And then eventually Marie died of old age, because that's what happens when you're physically several decades older than your spouse. And then it turned out one of my old teammates thought she had killed me and had tried to hunt her down for revenge, but he only found us after she had dies. And then decided that as her spouse I must have known about and condoned everything and that made me an acceptable target, which is why we're the same age now."
"Decent. I have the kind of parents who aren't materially neglectful but it's a good thing they got me rather than a real kid who would have required emotional investment, but I am an adult who has access to other resources and such so I'm mostly fine about it. We live a ways away from each other so we don't see each other in person as often as we'd like but I'm staying with her family for the summer, so that's nice. Infancy was awful, childhood was a pain, but that's probably just a result of being already an adult who isn't used to all these restrictions any more. The thing with Gregory--that's his original name--has been the worst shake-up, really."
"I don't really know. I've never actually been to therapy, except for this one time in my most recent life after the incident where I got my powers back--you have to reactivate them after you reincarnate, they don't just carry over--but that doesn't really count because I was so closemouthed about everything and we both knew I wasn't going to get anything out of it because I wasn't being honest with her."
"I could try one of the other methods, and I understand if you don't want me to do anything about it at all and you'd rather stick with what you've got, but it's not as bad as it sounds. You'd think about the memory and I'd sort of gray out the parts that were distressing. You know how if you're having a dream, things can just happen with major details missing? It'd be like that. Instead of the scissors, it would be 'nothing in particular'; I'd fuzz out the pain and attached emotions; we'd go over it a few times slowly letting stuff back in, a bit at a time, so the scissors would have less significance. ...I'm not describing this very well."
"According to the book it won't damage the episodic recollection; it'll be like having also had an unusually well-remembered dream in which one day Gregory came over and did nothing in particular with nothing in particular about which you felt nothing in particular, separately from the actual memory."
"Yeah, that sounds uncomfortably warm. ...But possibly separate from a phobia of scissors per se, if you also avoid exposing your neck in addition to just not having scissors around. So I'd need to keep that in mind too and make sure I didn't focus too exclusively on the scissors."
"If I leave my throat vulnerable for too long I start remembering..." she trails off. "What could happen if I didn't protect it," she says finally. "Not so much the wound being applied, but what it felt like when he was done...you can't do much with a gaping throat wound but it still doesn't kill you instantly."
"Yeah. So - this is a pretty in-depth procedure. It's not broad - I will not learn things about any of your fifth birthdays or favorite color or personal life unless they come up in the memory I'm fuzzing for you - and it's not dangerous, because I'm doing something very simple and easily reversed if I accidentally also fuzzed something like what color your carpet at the time was. But it's deep in the sense that I will be very tangled up in the emotions I'm dulling for you and the thoughts those emotions prompt. I wouldn't be allowed to even register you as practice hours if I hadn't already taken the standard-on-my-plane patient confidentiality training and made applicable promises, but just because I won't tell anyone else doesn't mean that I'm not someone else. Also, while I happen to be unusually defensively robust, I'm not mentally impregnable. If someone attacks me, anything I've learned may be a casualty along with my more naturally-come-by memories. Also I have never done it before and don't have a more experienced subtle artist on hand for course correction; I think I can do it, but I'm still in school and don't have expert clinical judgment. All that said, I'm willing to try it if you want me to."
It starts up again, just the same.
The third time, there is an inkling that the implement involved might be scissors; the emotional reaction from the memory proper is still muted, but accumulated phobia may flare up and Bella will do subtle arts things to that and adjust the scissorness of the scissors as needed.
- and then the memory can be allowed through a little more clearly -
- and so on.
It'll take about fifty iterations, slightly abbreviated relative to how long the entire encounter took when it actually happened.
She takes her scarf off.
She considers how this feels for a minute.
"I think I'm still going to have a habit of touching my neck when I'm nervous," she says thoughtfully. "That one might be mostly muscle memory at this point."
"Happily. ...Oh, I should mention, the phobia might not stay as gone as it is right now forever. Normally you'd have done all that over a few sessions. It shouldn't come back very much, and if nothing else terrible involving scissors happens to you it will never be as bad as it was again. It might pop up a little bit and then subside."
"I'm pretty sure there's flaming moss in the woods near campus. I'm pretty careful about sticking to the warded paths. I only have high school level arcana so far, and subtle arts aren't especially good against random woodland hazards which aren't people. Flaming ice we don't have."
"People objecting to Khersians. Usually. Having a demon ancestor is also often a pretty good way to get Khersians to object to you, but funnily enough it's their own 'human blood, human soul' doctrine which means that part-demons can do things like attend school and demand the healing service package in the first place."
"It means you actively worship more than one god. As opposed to monolatry, where you acknowledge the others enough to not get hit by lightning - pronouncing their names right at least most of the time, not committing obvious blasphemy - but focus your attention on one."
"I'm not sure how much use that is, since we of all people are unlikely to ever know. But who knows, maybe someone will turn up with a resurrection power and people will come back to life effusive about the pearly gates--a stereotypical image of the entrance to an afterlife--and then we'd know."