It's daylight, and they're not on fire. It's a good thing they're not on fire, as there's no cover to speak of. They're in - a strikingly gorgeous valley overlooking a strikingly gorgeous gorge with a river running through it, and a mansion perched on the lip of the gorge. It's midday, but the sky is more colorful than it typically is for a sunset. Everything is brightly, stunningly, exquisitely beautiful.

What the fuck.

"Dru, pet, wake up, they've done something else to us now."

"I don't want to. - it's so bright here, Spike, make it stop."

He takes off his coat, lets her wrap herself in it, and starts carrying her.

He is not immediately sure what else to do, so he yells at the sky. 

"Hey! What the fuck is this supposed to be?"

The sky does not answer. The birds chirp.

Well. Fuck.

Better than the cell, anyway. 

He heads for the mansion.

It's two stories on this side (four on the side facing the gorge), made of glass and some kind of metal he doesn't recognize and lots of elaborate stonework. It has gardens, wild rather than carefully kept. 

He considers whether he can see a door, and then it occurs to him that he doesn't really need a door to break down, he can probably just break the glass. He sets Dru down in the garden and attempts this.

This works fine, which is interesting because it wouldn't if it were a human residence. 

Someone inside the house comes over to see what he did. They're - of the same species as the Slayer's bodyguard, tall and pretty with braided hair. Their eyes widen.

"You there!" he says, pointing at them. "Where the fuck am I?"

They look even more surprised. They take up a piece of cloth on the table and use it to carefully clear smashed glass away from the window. They try to say something. In several languages! None of them are English, or anything else Spike would recognize.

Well that's just great.

OK. Options. A, he could kill this person now, it's been a while since he's had blood from anything that wasn't a pig or a cow or whatever the government people are using. And Dru could definitely use some fresh blood to heal from her ordeal. B, he could keep this person around for a bit in case they're useful, which seems kind of unlikely given that they don't speak any languages he knows (which is annoying, because he knows a lot, actually, including several demon languages), but on the other hand he doesn't have anyone else. C, he could try turning them, which will make them more likely to help, although they'll still have the whole language thing. It's not really that big of a commitment, given that he can just behead them if he gets bored.

Hm. Well, he can't get them back if he kills them. He decides to step through the window and investigate the mansion first.

The mansion is spacious and full of plants and as excessively pretty as the outdoors - moreso, maybe. Someone put an extraordinary amount of thought into the placement of every object in this mansion, and the growth of every plant. There are elaborate hyperrealistic tapestries on most of the walls; they depict children of whatever-the-species-is, playing. 

One appears to be a family portrait. It contains about forty people of all ages from 'infant' to 'young adult'. Several are wearing crowns and two are sitting on a throne. The Slayer's bodyguard is in there, holding a little kid and laughing. 

- well then.

OK. He's been sent to - whatever demon dimension the slayer's bodyguard is from, that checks out. Can't be a coincidence and he sure as hell didn't open that portal, which means the slayer's bodyguard probably did it, and is probably waiting for him to -

- yeah, he's not actually sure where this is going, this is actually really weird.

He goes back outside to check on Dru.

The person he startled is still diligently cleaning up glass, shooting concerned glances at him and at Dru.

The birds outside start singing with more enthusiasm. In the distance, little gliding metal ships can be seen floating in over the valley.

Ugh.

"You all right, Dru?"

Drusilla sobs and clutches her head. "I don't like the fairy, Spike. Make it stop. Kill it. Kill it. Kill it."

"In good time, love. Think we might want to figure out what's going on first."

"The stars are all wrong here - I don't like it - "

The metal ships float on over and disembark in front of the mansion. People get out. 

The Slayer's bodyguard is one of them. He's dressed far more elaborately, here, and his hair is much longer, and he's riding with an enormous dog who disembarks with him.

The person who has been cleaning up the broken glass hurries over towards them, presumably to tell him that Spike and Dru are his problem now.

"You!" screams Spike, and he kind of really wants to punch him in the face right now, but he thinks he'll definitely lose a fight against all of these people. This would be fine if they'd killed Dru, but they didn't, actually, so he just sort of stands in front of her protectively and seethes at them and gets ready to make a break for it if he needs to.

Foreign language??

Different foreign language?

"Oh come on, I know bloody well you speak English! You just did it!"

- honestly though it would be kind of weird if his hair could grow that long that fast, what the fuck is this, some kind of doppelgänger -

"He's all changed. All different. But the same."

He says something to his dog, concernedly. 

The dog says, is everything all right? do you need assistance?

"Ahh! - of fucking course everything isn't all right, what the fuck did you bastards do to us now - get off on playing games with people, is that it - "

This version of the Slayer's bodyguard has an extended conversation with the dog about that.  

The dog says, we don't know what's going on. we didn't bring you here. Eru could have done it. Eru does things like that sometimes. Eru is a god. We don't think he wished you harm, if it was him. We don't have any other good theories. Are you both all right? Do you need medical attention? 

Spike makes a sound of wordless agonized rage. 

" - if you come near her again I'll kill you. Right now. Whether I know what the fuck is happening or not."

"Ohh, it's a fairy dog. All magic and in people's heads. I never thought anything could see through all the fog. Are you a bad dog?"

No, says the dog earnestly. 

The Slayer's bodyguard waits a while for the translation of Spike's comments and then takes a couple of steps back, raising his hands in the most nonthreatening posture he can manage. 

He dismisses his entourage, which is standing around gawking; they troupe inside.

Again? asks the dog. Your wife is known to a fork of his?

Dru giggles. "Yeah."

"The hell does that even mean."

Dog-conversation -

There are many of Prince Turkafinwë Tyelcormo of the Noldor, on many worlds. We call them forks, because they diverge from each other like forks in a road. You know one? You are frightened of him?

This one takes off his coat and sets it in the flier; he's very evidently unarmed.

"Ohhh, I get it. You're different. Was the other you who cut my Spike all into ribbons, cut-cut-cut." She makes a cutting motion between her fingers, like scissors. "Very very bad fairy."

This man and his dog are really concerned and confused by this!

Are you.... sure you don't need any medical attention? Huan can patch you up a bit. Unfortunately we're about six hours' flight from the city.

"Oh yeah, what, so you can drug us and lock us up again?"

Someone did what to you?

"Oh come on, don't play dumb, you must know."

"All in cages, locked away, all tied to the wall. Tried ever so hard not to let them, but there were too many - terrible fairies - "

The dog whimpers. The man pats him.

Okay. Well, that's not going to happen here. No one here is going to put you in a cage, no one here is going to tie you up, no one here is going to hurt you.

Dru growls at them.

"A trick, a trick. Can't see the mousetrap, but the bad fairy set it."

Huan whimpers.

The man looks so concerned. 

- look, there's a little hunting lodge about an hour by flier from here. No one goes there. I could take you there and then - forget I met you, never mention it to anyone, you can stay there as long as you like and no one'll ever run across you, does that work? 

"The hell you can. Like you wouldn't just do it all over again - or, I know, give Dru to your slayer brat for target practice. Sounds like you. Not enough to take her down once, I guess."

Damn, they're surrounded by whatever these things are, he's never going to be able to fight his way out. Ugh. Think, think -

He sighs, and sits down to rub the muzzle of the whining, concerned dog. I'm not going to do any of those things. I'm not going to do any things. I'm going to stay here, okay? If you think of something you want, I'll try to help.

Spike paces.

Think. Think. 

He could steal a flier, maybe? Could kidnap this asshole and his magical dog and go somewhere - he's not sure where, can't be sure where, but somewhere - and then maybe he can kill the guy as slowly as he deserves and - yeah, he's not really sure where this plan goes after that -

"Where's your slayer, fairy? You cared ever so much about her."

I don't know what you're talking about, he says, with a lot of effort at hiding what is at this point a fair bit of irritation.

He and his dog confer.

I'm trying to think - north of here there's the sacred grove of the Maia Vakalis, where it is forbidden for any harm to come to anything, even a plant or an insect. If you wanted, you could go there, and then no one can touch you, it's impossible. Would that be less scary?

"I think we should make him one of us."

" - you think so, pet? Guess then he might tell us how to get back."

"Yeah. We could have a very bad fairy along with us."

This gets translated but seems to just confuse the man and his dog. He plucks a flower off a nearby bush and starts eating it, frowning thoughtfully.

He picks up Dru.

"All right, well, that's a plan. Into the flier, both of you, or I'll - I dunno, flay you alive, I guess. Something very grisly."

He looks delighted that there's a plan now, and jumps into the driver's seat. The dog jumps in next to him. 

The level of delight here is extremely unnerving. Spike follows them in.

"Someplace uninhabited. Anyone comes near and I'll - well, you know."

You got it. 

Off they go. Fliers seem to handle quite easily, actually; he's really only touching the controls when he needs to steer. Is this temperature good?

"I don't like the sunlight. Makes my eyes bleed."

I'm sorry.

And he shades the walls until you can barely see through them.

Drusilla purrs.

"I like this fairy better than the other one."

Whatever you ran into, it sounds awful.

They fly over uninhabited wilderness.

Spike does not, actually, like this guy better than the other one. The other one hurt Dru, so he needs to die very slowly, but the other guy also had, like, priorities, and reacted to things in basically sensible ways, and would have been mad at him for most of this, while this guy just seems weirdly happy and confused about everything. Torturing him to death might not actually be very satisfying. Turning him still seems like a good idea, though. The other one would probably be mad about his other self getting turned into a demon.

"All right, down there's fine."

He lands the flier. 

"Out."

"He seems more assertive," he says to his dog. "Is that a good thing, do you think?"

Huan licks his nose.

They both jump out and land on their feet, comfortably.

Spike follows him out and sets Dru down on the ground.

He punches Tyelcormo in the face.

Drusilla claps delightedly.

"Again! Again!"

He steps back, looking startled and annoyed. The dog growls anxiously and he waves the dog off.

All right, these people are disoriented and frightened and believe that he's going to put them in prison. Lashing out with physical violence is - kinda understandable, actually, he might do that under the circumstances. That's - fine. 

He does not make any effort to defend himself. He does rub his face a little. 

Spike punches him several more times and then sinks his fangs into his neck, draining blood.

At that he reacts. He tries to shove Spike off of him, looking horrified and angry and injured; at the same time, the dog throws its considerable weight at Spike, howling with surprise and indignation. 

What are you doing? That's a really terrible idea! 

What the fuck is wrong with these people.

"Idea's to kill you, mate."

Uh, okay. 

He takes several steps back, holding his hand up to his neck. Let's just discuss this like reasonable people, all right? Why do you want to kill me?

"Well, I dunno, could have something to do with the fact that one of you tortured me for hours to get me to give you Dru's location so you could torture her to death, that might be related."

So....it's like.... if it had been a predictable fact that if someone hurt you like that then you'd come here and kill me, then the harm that came to you wouldn't have happened, so now you feel obliged to follow through on a commitment you would've made in advance if it'd come up?

"No, I'm just really fucking mad about the being tortured for hours, this isn't that complicated."

So obviously these are exceptional circumstances and I don't mean to imply any judgment, but ...why are you expecting killing someone to make you less mad?

"Well I find it generally helps, actually. Dru, pet, can you stand?"

"Yeah. It's OK, fairy. I got it all planned."

- okay, you know what, in the long term you should figure out a less destructive anger management solution. But, it sounds like you've been through a whole lot, so probably this isn't the time, and that's fine. Is the blood-drinking part important, it's super uncomfortable and if it's all the same to you I'd rather just die of my heart stopping. 

"Blood's very important." She slices one of her fingers open on her fingernails, then stares and waves her hand around in front of his face, tracing patterns in the air. "Be in my eyes. Be in me."

He watches curiously.

Drusilla bites him and continues draining blood, then forces her injured hand down his throat.

I think that's a very bad idea, says the dog. I think you two are consistently making some bad choices here. 

Tyelcormo doesn't object, though.

Drusilla is just gonna keep drinking until she runs out of blood. She's very hungry on account of the grievous injuries.

The man dies in her arms. The dog makes a disgusted snort and lopes off at a run. 

"He should be one of us in a few days. Did you have enough, Spike?"

"Yeah, love. You're the one who needs it."

"I feel ever so much better. I think I should rest, until my body remembers how to be."

"That's a fine idea. I'll wake you if anything comes by."

Nothing comes by. 

(He wakes up in the nearest resurrection center, gets lunch while he waits for Huan to catch up, and then gets into a new flier for the tedious six hour journey back out to where he'd been vacationing. 

"I'm not saying it was acceptable to chain them to a wall," he says to Huan. "But I do think I understand what might've driven someone to do it."

Huan whines. 

"It's fine. If they ask to do it again I'm going to say no. It was - interesting - but on the whole unpleasant enough that I'd at least expect to be asked nicely.")

The body with Drusilla and Spike does not rise.

"Oh no. I so wanted him to stay with us."

"Shh, pet, it's all right. They just can't be turned. Too demon. Should've known, really. We've just got to find a way back now."

He leads her into the flier and attempts to pilot it to.... somewhere, does anywhere look inhabited?

This planet does not look spectacularly inhabited but after a while he can pick out some other flier traffic to follow.

He does that.

Then after a long tedious flight he'll find himself in a real city. It is, unsurprisingly, exquisitely pretty. 

OK. Let's try this again. 

He sets the flier down and gets out with Dru. He kind of feels like he was not sent here to be killed. This is pretty confusing but it means he mostly just wants to - he's not really sure whether he wants to go home, really, what's so great about home, but he does have to kill the other Tyelcormo, so he guesses it's as good a goal as any.

He walks up to someone. "Hey. We're a bit lost."

"Oh," they say in obviously non-native English. "You're the people who showed up from somewhere horrible and killed Finwë Turkafinwë Tyelcormo! Hey! Can I help you?"

"Yeah that was us," says Spike, cheerfully. "We were wondering if anyone around here knew how to get us home."

"I think they've been ...trying? to figure it out but we've never heard of the place you're from."

"Figures. Has one of your prince people, if that helps you narrow it down."

"We know all the planets that have one of him and none have - whatever you are."

"Vampire. It's called a vampire."

"We don't have vampires on any of our planets. We don't have planets where Prince Turkafinwë Tyelcormo does the law, either. He doesn't like that kind of thing."

"Does the law? What?"

"He was involved in causing you to be chained to a wall? He doesn't - there are princes who would decide what to do about people who kill people, though they've never chained people to a wall here. But Prince Turkafinwë Tyelcormo is not one of the princes who would decide that. He doesn't do work. He doesn't like it."

"Oh, I dunno whether he had anything to do with that bit. He definitely had a lot to do with the being stabbed a lot, and he definitely shot Dru here full of holes."

"I didn't like it."

"That makes more sense," she says. "Those are things he'd do - uh, not normally, not here. You're safe here. But if you told me that someone had stabbed someone a lot and that it was Prince Turkafinwe Tyelcormo, that's not the wrong prince the way he's the wrong prince if you told me someone decided to chain someone to a wall."

"He's dead. I'm ever so disappointed. I meant for him to come back."

" - oh, he did come back. He said he had missed enough of his vacation for this nonsense and left in a flier with his dog but he came right back."

"Oh. We didn't see him."

" - well, you wouldn't have."

"I don't like this. I want to go home. We could go back to Italy. I liked Italy."

"There are lots of planets here," the woman says. "Even if you don't like this one you can find one that's a better fit."

"No, no. All full of terrible fairies. I want to go back, like it was."

"I'm sorry."