"Honey," Marlo's mom says, "we love you. And lately we've become concerned about certain-- behaviors. We're afraid you're being influenced by a-- way of thinking. A, uh, unnatural--"

"I'm not sure what you mean," he says, and shoves down the rising horror in his chest. 

"What your mom is trying to say," his father says, "is that we're afraid you might be a homosexual."

"I'm not, though, Melissa —"

"We talked to Melissa," Marlo's mom says. "She has the same concerns. She says she's never felt that you were-- passionate about her."

He shrinks. (It wasn't that kind if relationship, that doesn't mean — he'd tried to do right by her —)

"There's someone here in the kitchen who can talk to you, Marlo."

He nods and goes to the kitchen. 

"Hello, Marlo, my name is Christine, and I'm from True Directions. We're a program that helps people struggling with homosexuality."

"Okay." He feels like he's floating slightly to the left of himself. 

"We can help you understand the reasons behind your homosexual tendencies and how to heal them."

"How long does — treatment — usually take?" 

"A few months. You can do it over the summer."

Alright. So he doesn't have to miss school, that's — good, at least. 

"Okay," and he only sounds a little bit absent. "Okay." 

"There is hope, Marlo. I myself used to be a homosexual. But now I'm an ex-gay."

In spite of her neatly manicured fingernails, nicely applied lipstick, and long flowing hair, she gives off an unmistakeable aura of being butch. 

"Is there anything I need to sign?" 

"There is some paperwork. Would you like to talk about your feelings about the intervention? Denial is a normal stage of the recovery process."

"I'm not really sure what my feelings are yet." 

"All right. You'll have to sign our privacy policy and a copy of the rules--"

He signs the privacy policy, looks over the rules before signing.

No movies rated above G! No interaction with women unless supervised! No Internet, and they'll check your computer to see if you're looking at unauthorized material! No rock, rap, pop, country, Broadway, "gay culture," or contemporary Christian music! No gambling! Random drug tests! Clothing should not be countercultural or associated with gay culture! Hair should not cross the collar, eyebrows, or ears, and it should not be in a ponytail! 

...he'll get a haircut between now and then. Hair grows back. 

He signs. 

A few days later--

"I am NOT."

"Denial," Christine says in the tone of someone who has said this a lot, "is a normal stage of the recovery process."

"Except I'm not going to recover from being gay, because I'm not gay!"

"You're a dancer--" Asher's father begins.

"Straight men can dance! That is literally the entire plot of Billy Elliot. And High School Musical."

"The fact that you know that--" Asher's father continues.

"Doesn't make me gay, because straight men can also like musicals!"

"You have a picture of a shirtless man hanging up in your locker," Asher's mother says.

"It's called fitspo! It's-- I don't get off on it, it's inspirational! It reminds me of my goals!"

"I've reviewed your case file with your parents and we agree that you likely struggle with homosexuality."

"Gay dudes are like-- feminine and shit. Not that there's anything wrong with being feminine-- honestly, this entire concept is so fucking homophobic, you don't have to recover from being gay, it's okay to want to fuck men-- but I don't wear eyeliner, I don't care about shoes, I don't swish--"

("Language," Asher's mom says to herself.)

"Homosexuality is unnatural. Heterosexuality is what God wants from you."

"I'm an atheist."

"What?" Asher's dad says.

"Oh, yeah, Mom, Dad, I'm an atheist, if you want to be disappointed with me about that, feel free, but you can't feel disappointed with me for being gay because I'm. not. gay!"

"We do generally recommend that you turn your life over to your Higher Power through our program, but we are secular and nonsectarian and have had many atheist graduates."

"This is absurd. I had a girlfriend! For two years!"

"It was long-distance for eighteen months," his mother says. 

"She literally lives in Canada," his father says.

"And she was." His mother's face twists up from the effort of trying to figure out a way to politely say it. 

"Well, she was very intellectual," his father says, "and not very, well, feminine, was she?"

"What the fuck, are you insulting Robin in front of me by calling her smart--"

"Language," his mother chides.

"And she was very... quiet," his father says. "And not very lively."

"She barely talked to us at all!" his mother says.

"And she was-- how do I put this delicately-- " his father says. 

"She was fat," his mother says. 

"Well, it's not just the fat," his father says judiciously. "It was also the acne. And the abysmal dress sense."

"Are you saying I'm gay because I'm not shallow?"

"You're our bright, vibrant, outgoing, handsome boy," his mother says. "We just-- don't feel like she is someone you would be attracted to, if you experienced attraction to women."

"What the fuck is wrong with you."

"Language."

"Asher, the program is only three months. It would reassure your parents if you would--"

"Three months? So, what, I'm going to go to 'don't fuck men' camp instead of school--"

"Actually, our next session is over the summer."

"But I've been accepted to ballet intensive this summer."

"Well, dear," his mother says, "plans change sometimes--"

"I have to get a job, I'm going to New York, I'm going to be worse at my auditions if instead of practicing I'm going to fucking ex-gay camp--"

His father clears his throat.

"...Fuck you."

"Language!"

"Your parents have agreed that, as an incentive for recovery, they will not pay for your apartment while you're auditioning unless you've successfully completed True Directions."

"Well, that'll be easy, because as I've said, I'm not gay-- please tell me you have a barre--"

"Participation in dance for men is considered to be a temptation to homosexuality."

"...I hate both of you."

"You have to understand it from our position, Asher," his mother says. "We just wouldn't feel comfortable allowing our gay son into a-- a den of sodomy like the New York City arts scene--"

"Oh, I'm going to do plenty of sodomy. With girls. Because I like girls."

"If we've come to a decision perhaps you'd like to sign the paperwork."

Asher signs. When he gets to the rule about countercultural hairstyles, he says, "am I going to have to cut my hair?"

"An Afro is considered to be countercultural, yes."

"Great! So you're misogynist, homophobic, and racist! I'm going to have an awesome three months."

Meanwhile--

Mom and Dad,

I'm writing this email to tell you that I appear to be a homosexual. I understand this may come as a disappointing surprise to you, and I'm sorry. 

I have tried to recover on my own and been unsuccessful. My research suggests that True Directions is the non-Christian program with the best track record of success. (Unfortunately, the options for specifically Jewish programs are limited.) The tuition is reasonable and scholarships are available. I understand that True Directions is unlikely to build my college application the way that the other summer options we discussed would, but early treatment for homosexuality leads to improved outcomes. I hope you can agree that we should deal with this problem as quickly as possible. 

With your permission, I'll apply to admissions for the summer session. 

I love you.

--Lev

Lev,

Your mother and I understand and agree. It might make it harder for you to get into Harvard, but some things are more important, like your ability to experience a normal sexuality and real love. 

We're also impressed by the True Directions website and their track record of success, and that kosher food is available. Money might be tight for a while, but we will make this a priority. If you bring your prep books, you can study during your downtime, and that will free up time for more extracurricular activities during the year. 

--Abram

By the first day of camp, his hair is shorter than it's been since freshman year and his clothes don't feel like they're his and he's spent the intervening time downloading as much tolerable but within the rules music as he can and he isn't wearing any makeup at all no matter how much he would like to be. 

As ways to spend a summer go, this sucks, and not in a fun way. 

Asher spends the three months before ex-gay camp starts dancing as much as he can. He completely stops doing homework and scrapes out B's and C's by getting 100% on every test. He pirouettes in the lunch line and does arabesques while doing the dishes. His muscles are sore like they haven't been since he was ten and his form is flawless and he's bad at not thinking about having to take three months off. 

Most of his practice music is classical anyway. He has plenty of music to listen to that's within the rules. 

Lev is pretty sure he can't fix himself on his own, so he lets himself indulge before ex-gay camp. He thinks a lot about the guy in his math class with the amazing smile, how smart he is and how kind. He jerks off to his carefully hidden collection of gay porn when his parents think he's doing his homework. He thinks about how nice it would be to kiss a guy, to hold his hand, to cuddle with him and wake up in the morning and know that you're together.

Family dinners are stilted and awkward until Lev discovers he can claim he has too much homework to eat with the family.

Everyone is relieved.  

He breaks up with Melissa and doesn't tell anyone why, tells his friends he's doing an internship over the summer, focuses himself on school and track and nothing else. 

When Asher gets out of the car at True Directions, he almost does a jeté entrelacé, and then he remembers and kicks a rock in irritation.

He has a set of needles and pins and a slightly ridiculous amount of embroidery floss and two spools of thread, no jewelry clasps or hooks but a handful of charms, six books three of which are disguised as different books, a sketchpad, and a whole bunch of empty postcards from places he'd rather be than here. 

He keeps his head down and his body language small. 

This isn't what he'd intended to do with his summer — he was hoping for an actual internship, before — but it's. probably a good thing. He keeps his face neutral. 

Why are there three hot guys at ex-gay camp. This is the first time Lev has ever seen a guy his age in real life and known that he was gay and some of them are hot and now he keeps having thoughts about kissing all three of them and it is not okay. How is he supposed to recover from homosexuality under these conditions.

Boring, boring, boring, the Asian one looks constipated, the small curly-haired one is cute but also looks like he'd explode if Asher said hi to him... That guy looks as unhappy to be here as he is. 

"Hi. I'm Asher. What are you in for?"

"I'm Sasha. My parents caught me sucking a guy's cock while wearing my fake sister's makeup, and while I argued that I wasn't gay as hard as I could, it was a little difficult under the circumstances. You?" 

"My parents are confused about the difference between 'gay' and 'aspiring professional dancer.'"

"That conversation must have been fun." 

"It's actually worse than you're imagining!"

"Oh no. The conversation with my parents was also deeply unpleasant but at least I'm here for something I actually did!" 

He imitates his father's voice. "'Asher, I know you had a girlfriend for two years, but have you considered that your girlfriend was overweight and had some skin issues and therefore you couldn't possibly actually be attracted to her and you were probably using her as a beard to cover your homosexuality?'"

"What the fuck — I mean, I have definitely known gay guys with girlfriends, but usually they pick the prettiest and most inoffensive person they can and take her on dates to socially prescribed date locations and are perfect gentlemen who do everything right but never really have much to say about their girlfriends as people, which is the literal opposite of that —" 

Marlo looks distinctly uncomfortable. 

"She wrote really good poetry."

(His voice is soft and kind of wistful.)

So apparently one of the hot guys is straight! And that leaves only two guys he could potentially actually kiss oh god he is going to die. 

Lev is trying really hard not to think about what Sasha would look like sucking his cock while wearing makeup, and absolutely not succeeding.

"She already sounds great." 

The curly-haired boy looks kind of cute and also a little bit like he's about to burst. "And you?" 

Oh god oh god Sasha is talking to him he is actually going to die oh god.

"Uh. I'm Lev? I-- decided to come here? Because I couldn't fix myself on my own."

He's bright red.

"...oh, honey." His face and voice have gone very soft. 

He cringes.

"It's-- fine. I mean it's what we're all here for, right? Getting better?"

"I am here because the decision was made too late for me to get my GED and move out and go to college a year early instead." 

"I'm here because I can't afford to pay rent in New York City by myself."

"...Lev is right," he says, very quietly. 

Positive attention from cute (gay) (he's actually gay) (oh god he's gay) guys is terrifying!

"Well, if you guys want to stop being gay, that's fine, but if Sasha wants to suck other guys' cocks while wearing makeup that's also fine, and I am heterosexual and could not possibly stop being gay even if I wanted to."

Sasha really hopes that however they're grouped he's in a group with Asher. 

Marlo doesn't comment on whether or not it is fine to want to suck cock while wearing makeup; this isn't the time or the place. 

"Are the people who run this camp going to show up at some point, do you think?" 

As if summoned, Christine Parker appears.

"Hello, everyone!" Christine Parker says. "Welcome to True Directions. We're going to have an orientation in the group therapy room, and then I'll show you to your dorm so you can get unpacked and get ready for dinner."

He follows Christine to the group therapy room, doesn't talk to anyone on the way there. 

The group therapy room has off-white hospital-style walls and massively uncomfortable chairs.

"The first step in recovery from homosexuality is admitting that you have a problem. Some of you"-- her eyes linger on Asher-- "have more trouble with this than others. So we'll begin orientation by going around the room and saying our names and an interesting fact or two about ourselves, and then saying 'I'm a homosexual.' I'll start. My name is Christine Parker, I like riding horses and organizing people's closets, and I used to be a homosexual."

The first three go. Andre, actor, dancer, homosexual. Clayton, who works retail and is a homosexual. Dolph, varsity wrestler and homosexual.

"My name is Marlo, I do track and field, and I'm a homosexual." 

"My name is Sasha, I do a whole bunch of weird crafty things and have strong opinions about Shakespeare, and I'm super gay." 

"Alexander, we'd prefer you go by 'Alexander' or 'Alex' while you're at camp. And the appropriate term is not 'super gay.'"

"I am almost one hundred percent sure that the rules did not say 'you'll have to change your name if we don't like that you're Russian,' but fine. My name is Alexander, I also go by Sasha, I do a whole bunch of weird crafty things, and I'm a homosexual." 

"My name's Lev. I'm on the math team and the robotics team. And I"-- he squeaks and turns bright red-- "Iamahomosexual."

(It's the first time he's ever actually said it.)

"My name is Asher. I'm a dancer and I have good taste in poetry and horrible taste in musicals. And I--"

He hesitates. He's not going to get out of here without saying it. It's a lie, but-- if he spends three months telling the truth, that he's straight, then he'll never get to go to New York.

"I am a homosexual."

Oh no, Lev is cute. 

"All right! Now I'm going to hand out your binders. Take one and pass them along."

When everyone has their binders, Christine says:

"On the first page, you'll see the five steps here at True Directions. First, admitting you're a homosexual, which some of you have finished right now. Round of applause for everyone!"

Yeah, he's been doing that for years. He doesn't clap. 

Neither does he; he's looking ahead in the binder. 

It's hard to clap sarcastically but Asher manages.

"Some of you haven't finished the first step yet, so you'll have extra work. The second step is rediscovering your gender identity. The third step is finding your root-- the thing that made you a homosexual. The fourth step is developing nonsexual intimacy with other men. The fifth step is finding appropriate intimacy with people of the opposite gender."

"Rediscovering his gender identity," at least the way they define it, is going to suck. He smiles over at Asher. 

Asher studiously underlines step four, develop nonsexual intimacy with other men, adds a little heart, and then by sheer coincidence displays his binder so Sasha can see it.

It occurs to Lev that ex-gay camp is going to involve talking about his feelings with hot guys other people, and discussing his sexuality with hot guys other people, and developing nonsexual intimacy with hot guys other people, and why can't ex-gay camp instead involve hiding under a table.

The fact that ex-gay camp is going to involve definitely platonic cuddling is probably the only thing it has going for it, except for the presence of other gay guys and also Asher (maybe. The heart is sort of suspicious. Either way, this ends well for Sasha.) 

He smiles at Lev, who looks like he wants to curl up in a hole and stay there. 

Unaccountably, being smiled at by Sasha does not actually make Lev look any less like he wants to curl up in a hole and stay there.

Christine goes through the rules, the schedule, emergency contact information, and other things you'd expect to find at a summer camp orientation. 

He pays attention and does not at all cuddle up to Asher even though he wants to. 

He pays attention and carefully doesn't look at Alexander. 

Then Christine will show them to their room!

All seven of the campers are sleeping in the same room. They have individual single beds, with a dresser beside them for their things. The walls are painted a soothing blue.

He takes the bed next to the one Asher picks and unpacks his clothes (two thirds of the dresser) and sewing supplies (one drawer) and books (on top of the dresser) and shoves his empty suitcase under the bed. 

He picks the bed nearest the door. 

Lev feels awkward about choosing a bed and ends up with the last one available, which is (of course) next to Sasha.

He unpacks his clothes and his SAT prep books and his well-worn collection of thousand-page poorly written epic fantasy novels. He does his best to try to keep anyone from looking at them.

He doesn't know when he can get alone time. He's already twitchy.   

Asher flops on the bed. It is the most graceful flop in the history of humanity. 

"Why are we all sharing a room?"

"Because that's how summer camps do?" 

"At dance camp I have one roommate."

"Most summer camps that I know of have cabins of around twelve, maybe it's different if they're for a sport?" He's sitting cross legged on his bed. 

"Dance isn't a sport, it's a performing art."

"They don't want us to masturbate. Or have sex. So they're making sure we aren't alone."

did he just say that

"If they think that's enough to stop us if we decide to they've never met a determined teenager, but that's not that surprising." 

"I don't know who decided to put seven gay dudes in one room as a way to prevent fucking but I seriously doubt that this plan is going to work out as intended."

Lev's going to read a book! And not think about orgies with Asher and Sasha and Marlo! That seems like a bad line of thought to go down! 

He reads with the covers pressed into his pillow so no one can see what he's reading.

Cute. 

He starts on one of the flat kind of friendship bracelets, almost absentmindedly. 

Asher is watching him with a soft, happy expression on his face.

...okay, he is really suspicious of Asher's "I'm straight" deal. "If you need anything hemmed or patched or embroidered or otherwise modified, I have a kind of ridiculous amount of thread with me." 

"I mostly wear blue jeans and T-shirts, but if you have suggestions..."

"Once I'm more sure of where the line is on counterculture clothes I'm embroidering and patching the hell out of mine, but if you don't care you don't care. —note that I can add or extend pockets, assuming you have a shirt you don't care about that I can use for scrap fabric." 

"I don't object to being fashionable, I've just never cared enough to bother!"

He shrugs. "If you think of something. I really hope they have a craft building here but I'll figure something out even if they don't." 

"Lucky you. I'm not allowed to dance."

"...yeah. That's bullshit, I'm sorry." 

Dramatic, excessively graceful flopping. "And they made me cut my hair because it's countercultural. --Which is fucking racist."

"...wow, what the fuck." 

"I look ridiculous with short hair."

"...you really do. At some point I want to see a picture of what you looked like before." 

"Maybe that's their secret. They're trying to make me look ridiculous so y'all don't get a crush on me."

they'll have to try harder

He nods sagely and says none of what he's thinking. 

Lev thunks his head into his book.

"...you okay?" 

(He is determinedly ignoring all of them, but he looks up at Lev.) 

"'mfine."

"You don't sound fine." 

Lev is not capable of articulating "I have a crush on Asher" even if that were something it was a good idea to do. 

"I'm reading," he tries.

He's adorable and Sasha wants very much to tempt him to the dark side. 

"Kay!" 

To all appearances, he goes back to focusing on his friendship bracelet. 

And then it's dinner, and then it's Free Time. 

Christine reminds everyone that you must be in groups of at least three.

"Lev, come hang out with me and Sasha."

"I was going to, uh-- study--"

"You can study while you hang out with us!" 

"I guess?"

Literally no one has ever wanted to hang out with him before.

Sasha's carrying a pair of cargo pants and a t-shirt and a small cloth bag; he'll take as many books as Lev hands him. 

Lev is going to carry his entire teetering pile of SAT prep books by himself, thank you.

Or maybe he won't. 

Regardless, once they find somewhere to be where they won't be seen or heard, he sits down and turns the pants inside-out and takes a pen from the bag and starts working out pocket placement. 

"If you don't tell the camp counselors what we're talking about," Asher says to Lev, "one of us will kiss you."

"EEP."

"Or both! Both is always an option." 

"I am straight, I just didn't want to volunteer you without your permission."

"Still. I've kissed straight guys before." He turns back to Lev, expectant. 

He is staring very intently at Sasha's lips. 

"I'm supposed to be... becoming less gay?"

"I'll cuddle with you, then." 

"Uh. That sounds. Okay."

"Awesome!" 

This seems like a good place for the internal pocket to go; he takes a pair of tiny scissors from the bag and starts cutting into the shirt. "So what were you planning on talking about? I meant what I said about wanting pictures of what you looked like before,  by the way." 

"Oh, I was just assuming we were at some point going to say something non-camp-approved. Also--"

He does four barrel turns. 

"...damn. 

And, yeah, you aren't wrong. I didn't want to mention this where they'd hear but I can add secret internal pockets to things, if you have something small and forbidden you might want to carry around." He threads a needle and gets to sewing up the pocket itself; he'll attach it to the inside of his pants in a moment. 

"I can't think of anything right now, unless you can make a pocket that fits the ability to dance."

Tours en l'air!

Lev is really, really gay.

So is Sasha. 

"That's not particularly pocket sized, no, but if you had, for instance, a flash drive you wanted to hide — Lev, this goes for you too, although I'm not particularly expecting that you'll take me up on it." 

"Unfortunately, I didn't know I'd have this option, so I didn't bring my porn collection or pictures of me with long hair."

"I have no secrets because I never do anything interesting."

"I bet you do some interesting things. Asher, next time we slip away remind me to bring my computer, I don't have a secret flash drive but there's some things I want to show you." 

"...I'm very curious."

"The porn is all written, not visual, it's easier to hide that way, but I have some pictures of me the way I prefer to look hidden in a folder tree." Now that he's thought of it he's totally going to ask Natalie to send him a flash drive. He ties off the thread and starts sewing the pocket onto the inside of his pants, behind an external pocket so the stitches won't show. 

"I'm more curious!"

He stops showing off and instead does a reasonable series of stretches and strengthening exercises.

"I'll just say it was not remotely unusual for me to have been wearing my fake sister's makeup, regardless of what my parents thought of it, and let you stay that way." Is he being a tease? Yes, a little bit. 

Affectionately: "Still straight! The only thing I can do with a picture of you in makeup is critique your eyeliner technique."

He has his doubts. "Still! I'd rather you at least know how I usually signal, right now I look kind of aggressively normal and it's weirding me out." 

"I don't think anyone would ever think you're normal."

Great, now he's jealous AND horny. 

"Aggressively non-counterculture, then, if you prefer. And thank you." 

"Fake sister?"

"My best friend, but calling her that made everyone assume we were dating when we were in middle school and she has kind of an odd sense of humor." 

"Bet I'd like her."

"Yeah. I bet you would. And I bet she'd like you." 

He ties off the thread and turns the pants right-side out and sets them aside. 

Asher finishes his stretching!

"Want me to show you something?"

"— yes. Yes, I would." 

"Stand up."

He stands up. 

Asher kneels at his feet, puts one hand on Sasha's upper thigh and wraps his other arm around Sasha's ass so that his hand is on Sasha's hip, and lifts Sasha onto his shoulder.

Oh. 

"— fuck," he says, a little breathy. 

Lev is STUDYING. Lev is studying VERY INTENTLY.

"--wow, it is a lot easier to do this with someone who knows what they're doing." He's laughing.

"I bet — sorry, I've never —" 

Asher was hot before but it is suddenly apparent that Asher is extremely hot.

"Not your fault for making less stupid career choices!"

He tries a pirouette and a jump. 

He does his best to keep his balance; his heart is racing for reasons that have nothing to do with feeling like he's about to fall. 

He doesn't have to try. Asher is holding onto him firmly; he won't let him fall. 

Oh. 

He — relaxes, goes sweet and soft and pliant in Asher's arms. 

Asher puts him down. They're very close. Asher's nose is in Sasha's hair.

This is the point, part of Sasha's brain thinks, where he would sink down to his knees and -- thank him. 

Not now. Not yet. 

He leans heavily into Asher's chest, presses his face into Asher's shoulder. Breathes deep. 

Lev has read this sentence four times but he hasn't processed it yet.

Asher picks Sasha up and puts him on the ground with his head in Asher's lap.

Sasha closes his eyes and sighs happily and nuzzles Asher's thigh. 

Asher pets his hair, as normal heterosexual men do. 

"Why are you studying?" he says to Lev. "It's the summer."

"I'm doing something that can't go on my college application this summer," Lev says, "so I have to do all my SAT studying this summer so I can have more time for extracurriculars during the school year so I can go to Harvard and stop living in a rat-infested apartment and not disappoint my parents."

"C'mere, I need to hug you." 

He puts down the book and very cautiously hugs Sasha in a way that involves touching him as little as possible.

This is not a satisfactory hug. He pulls Lev closer, hugs him tighter. 

He makes an involuntary whimpering noise.

He puts one hand between Lev's shoulderblades and one on the back of Lev's head and holds him. 

Because Sasha is lying with his head in Asher's lap, this involves lying on the ground with his entire body pressed into Sasha's and his head on Asher's leg.

His brain is currently a small pile of mush.

"You need to be hugged more." He's rubbing circles on Lev's back. 

"I don't get hugged at all."

He squeezes. "Then you need to be hugged a lot more." 

They physically cannot get much closer without removing clothing which Lev is probably not ready for, but Sasha does his best, starts rubbing smaller circles into Lev's scalp with his fingertips. 

Lev makes small happy noises.

He's kind of staring at Sasha's lips.

This is really a very adorable thing to be happening in Asher's lap.

This is maybe not the best plan but Lev is right there and keeps staring at his mouth and — Sasha kisses him, gentle and soft. 

Lev kisses back desperately.

Poor thing. Sasha doesn't stop. 

Asher ponders whether he should point out that he's here but eventually decides that that might make Lev stop kissing Sasha and he clearly needs it.

He holds onto Sasha very very tightly, hard enough to hurt; he makes little noises into Sasha's mouth; it has not occurred to him at all that he might want anything other than kissing Sasha. 

He is so so so gentle with him, pets his hair and rubs his back and drapes one leg over Lev's, swallows down the noises and makes his own soft encouraging sounds. 

Lev rolls a bit so they're off Asher's lap and Sasha is on top of him. He's unconsciously rolling his hips.

Lev is touch starved and desperate and Sasha's too concerned to be turned on right now. He keeps kissing Lev, keeps holding him and petting his hair, puts one thigh between Lev's legs so he has a better angle to roll his hips against. 

Asher is going to go practice his dancing over there.

He hisses when he feels Sasha's thigh between his legs.

His hands start reaching up under Sasha's shirt.

Sasha doesn't stop him. 

What if. What if Sasha stops wearing a shirt.

(He is aware this is a bad idea. He doesn't care.)

If Lev tries to take his shirt off, he whispers "Not here" into Lev's mouth and pulls his shirt back down. 

His fingertips brush Lev's hips, still so very gentle. 

When Sasha says that he freezes up.

"Hey," and he moves his arms so he's holding Lev again, "hey, it's okay, you're doing great, I've got you —" 

He jerks away from Sasha and pulls his legs into his chest.

"I've never kissed anybody before."

"Did it live up to the hype?" 

"I thought. I thought it would be with. A girl I loved."

"...I'm sorry." 

"It's okay. It's not your fault. I wanted to."

"Even so." 

A pause. "Is there... anything I can do that would help?" 

He pulls his knees up even more tightly into his chest.

"I'm not good at wanting things."

"Okay. 

We could talk, or I could hug you, or I could get Asher to hug you. Or I could leave you alone." 

He starts crying.

"Sorry, sorry, sorry, I-- sorry."

Hugs. "You don't have to be." 

Lev kisses him.

Sasha kisses him back, still soft, still gentle. 

Lev's crying while he kisses Sasha, huge body-wracking sobs.

Sasha cradles him and rubs his back and murmurs "it's okay, you're okay, I've got you, it's okay," into his mouth. 

"It's not okay. I'm broken."

"Everyone's broken." 

"That's not true."

He goes over to where his prep books are and starts studying, even though he's crying too much to really make out the words.

"'We are all broken. That's how the light gets in.' — Hemingway never actually said that, it's a misquote of a Leonard Cohen lyric, but it's still true." 

"There's a crack in everything," he says quietly, staring at the book.

"There's a crack in everything," he agrees. He takes his sewing supplies and sits down next to Lev. 

And eventually Asher will jump his way back to where Sasha and Lev are.

They should probably be heading back around now anyway. 

Sasha doesn't sleep very well, that night. 

(Marlo hasn't slept soundly since the day he met Christine; he was hoping camp would help, but it — doesn't.) 

Lev's dreams mostly feature his mouth on Sasha's dick.

Asher sleeps perfectly.

After breakfast, Christine takes everyone to the football field. 

"Lev, Asher, you both had trouble admitting you were homosexual, so I've assigned you extra work to be completed during free time." She gives them binders which they put in their bags. "Everyone else, we've moved on to step two, rediscovering your gender identity. I thought we'd start off with something fun. Playing football!"

Football isn't his favorite, but this is the first time anyone at this camp has seen Marlo smile. 

Sports are terrible. This is probably the kind of thought that leaves Lev kissing Sasha in the forest. 

"Uh, football leads to brain damage? I was kind of using my brain."

"Playing a pickup game with your friends is perfectly safe."

"Being near a friend does not make you magically immune to concussions. Can we play soccer instead?" 

"If you object to the camp's scheduled activities you may, instead, spend the time copying out a car repair manual by hand."

He seriously considers it before sighing. "Aight. Fine. Football it is." 

"Is anyone here familiar with the rules of football?"

She doesn't really expect anyone to raise their hands.

Marlo is in fact familiar with the rules of football. 

Then Marlo can help her explain! 

In light of everything, instead of Shirts and Skins, they should probably be Shirts and A Different Color Of Shirts. 

Probably they should! He's happy to teach the people on his team how to throw a football, should he need to. 

Sasha doesn't have much familiarity with football, but from what he's been able to glean, it's basically soccer mixed with bullfighting except worse. 

"...Did you follow that explanation of the rules at all?"

"You have to get the ball to the other end of the field, like in soccer, except sometimes you get head injuries, and also the ball is really hard to throw for some reason." 

"Hm. I can do that."

Lev's strategy for football, like all sports, is to appear to be participating with great enthusiasm but mysteriously to never end up actually touching the ball. 

Whenever someone looks like they're about to touch Sasha, they are bodyslammed or kicked in the chest by six feet and two inches of solid muscle.

He runs a lot and for some strange reason is never far away from Asher. 

Asher, much to his surprise, finds himself enjoying football. There's a certain pleasure in your body doing exactly what you want it to do, the pleasure he feels when he executes a difficult move exactly as the choreographer intended. He feels that pleasure when he gets the ball from Marlo, when he runs, when he throws, when he scores.

Every movement he makes is fluid and graceful. His back is straight, his chest lifted, his neck long. He's smiling. 

It's fun, right? 

Between the two of them, almost nobody else touches the ball at all; Lev in particular doesn't seem unhappy about that. 

For the next game, Christine moves Asher and Marlo to the same team, and puts Sasha on the other team.

Even so, nobody else is going to touch the ball for very long; nobody on the other team can take it from them and nobody on their team wants to. 

The first time Marlo gets close to Sasha Asher knocks him flat. 

"Oops."

"I wasn't going to tackle him," he says, quietly, "he's tiny." 

He gets himself off the ground and keeps playing, as if it hadn't happened. 

"Good."

Sports are a horrifying torment from the fifth circle of hell and he wants to die.

By the end of the session he has kind of sort of figured out how to throw a football and has no head injuries, which makes this solidly better than bullfighting but still not as good as soccer. 

Asher is grinning on the way to lunch. 

"Maybe ex-gay camp won't be so bad after all."

"I'm holding off on saying things like that until we've had a whole week of it. But maybe." 

"Dancing's better." To illustrate this point he does a tour de force. 

"How do you have energy."

"He's an aspiring professional athlete — dance is a performing art but it is also a sport, things can be more than one thing at once." 

"I usually dance six hours a day, and I was doing more before I went here because they won't let me dance here."

"Can you teach me to like sports."

"I think... you first have to be in any shape at all? Maybe try Pilates? --Is Pilates considered to be gay."

"Which ones have you tried? My sister thought she hated sports, but turns out what she hated was team sports and as soon as she tried fencing she fell in love with it." 

"I haven't tried anything. I wasn't very athletic so my parents decided that me doing sports was a waste of time."

"Yeah, that's hard to work with. Are there other games you like?" 

"I haven't really had time to play games."

"Were there extracurriculars you liked?" 

Lev seems mildly confused by the concept of liking extracurriculars. 

"...tutoring? I used to tutor kids. That was good."

"...you know, I've never really gotten most math, I can memorize formulas well enough but I know I'm not understanding it. I could teach you poetry or one of my weird crafty things and you can teach us math and Marlo can teach us both, I don't know, how to throw a football? If you both think that sounds like a good idea, sorry to volunteer you." 

"I could use some help with math too." 

"That would be really good!" 

His smile grows tight. "But I have to spend my free time doing the work about admitting I'm. You know."

"...we could all hang out together during free time and you and Asher can do it together and maybe it'll go faster that way?"

And if Marlo's with them it'll seem less like Sasha is proposing more making out. Not that he doesn't want to make out with Lev again, but. 

"Yeah, Lev, if we both have to do the same stuff we can commiserate." 

"That sounds nice."

He is acutely aware that his reason for agreeing to this is that he wants to spend time with three attractive guys, one of whom he kissed.

"Hey, man, I'm sorry I knocked you down."

"You're fine. — if you did it again when it didn't look like I was about to tackle someone half my size I'd be annoyed, but I'm fairly sure you aren't going to." 

"Don't touch Sasha and I won't knock you down."

(His tone sounds a little bit like he's joking and a little bit like he's not.)

"I wasn't planning to, but duly noted." 

He is controlling his voice, and so he only sounds a little bit wistful. 

He ponders if there is a way to say "obviously, consensual sex with Sasha is okay and will not get you hit" without fracturing their fragile sports-based friendship, and decides there is not.

Lev is going to try to spend lunch studying for the SATs.

He's spending it sketching out plans for an embroidery project on the most boring of the jackets he brought. Normally he'd have pixabay to search for reference photos, but instead he's downloaded a bajillion pictures to use as references should he need them. 

He eats and talks to the other three people in their bunk. 

Asher spends it alternately asking Sasha questions about his embroidery project and gazing at him adoringly. 

Asher is extremely cute and Sasha is happy to answer questions! 

After lunch, they will learn how to do metalworking!

Awesome! He keeps meaning to learn how to do this but it requires a lot of specialist supplies he doesn't have. 

Making molds for metal is pretty similar to making them for resin, and he works with wire all the time, this isn't that hard. 

Sasha is EXTREMELY SMART AND GOOD.

Lev looks at his mold which does not at all resemble Christine's molds, and then looks at Sasha's molds.

"...I am just bad at being a man."

"I'm pretty sure I'm worse at it, the only reason I know how to do this is that I make jewelry. Do you want help?" 

"Yes. --I can't do any of the guy things right."

"We just have transferrable skills from dance and jewelry making, neither of which is a particularly butch occupation."

Marlo's molds, on the other end of the table, are decidedly shaky. 

Sasha is happy to explain to Lev and also Asher (and anyone else who wants to learn) how moldmaking works! 

"It's very good to be helpful! Helping each other do masculine things is an important step in developing nonsexual intimacy with other men."

He takes the moment to ask Christine "Is there a craft building at this camp? Just, like, with glue and paint and stuff." It'd be nice to be able to do copper enamel but he's not expecting it. 

"Yes, it's on the girls' side. Perhaps when we've reached the stage of developing appropriate intimacy with people of the opposite sex, you can take one of the girls there on your date."

...yeah. Figures. Here's hoping he finds a friendly lesbian to pair off with. 

"Thanks for telling me," he says, and goes right back to metalworking. 

After metalworking and dinner, Asher collects Lev, Marlo, and Sasha and braces himself to look at the workbook about admitting he's gay.

He brings along his jacket and the same cloth bag from before, starts working on the project he'd sketched out at lunch and prepares to express sympathy should he have to. 

"...Oh no, I have to give a sexual history."

Lev, who just got to the same page, has turned bright red.

"....how much information does it want?" 

"It wants to know what I think about when I jerk off! There's a whole blank page to talk about it!"

"...wow, that's intrusive." 

"Okay, but I'm straight! I can't answer these questions because I'm straight! They're not going to be happy with 'I jerked off thinking about my girlfriend!'"

"Just lie. Say you jerked off about your teammates shirtless and the cute guy in your math class and, I don't know your kinks but whatever your kinks are, and Lee Pace as Thranduil in the Hobbit movies and Alan Rickman's voice and the abstract concept of the Rocky Horror Picture Show. Don't actually say that last one." He's partway through a spring of rosemary. 

"You can help me," Asher says. "You should tell me what you'd answer to the questions, and then I'll have realistic gay-dude answers, and they won't catch me and kick me out."

Lev is writing furiously. He has not become any less red.

"I probably won't give you my answers, because we are different people in ways that would come up, but I will totally feed you answers. Fire away." 

He feels disappointed about this for unclear and inscrutable reasons. 

"First kiss? --I dunno, is it at all plausible that I haven't kissed a guy? Probably not, I'm reasonably good-looking and all my guy friends are gay."

"You've kissed a guy twice, but once was for a joke and/or dare and the other time he kissed you first when he was drunk." 

Scribbles. "I feel like if I were gay I would be better at getting dates than that, but okay."

"I'm adjusting for 'loudly insists that he's definitely straight,' if you weren't doing that I'd have said you dated two thirds of the gay guys at your high school. Next question?" 

"I clearly should have insisted I were straight less! --A lot of questions about sex, but I assume the answer to that is that I didn't."

"You have not had sex with a guy, no." 

He turns the page. "Oh, great, they're asking about Robin. --I can't say 'I loved her a lot and we fucked constantly,' can I."

"You loved her a lot, you talked about poetry, you didn't not have sex but don't say you fucked constantly even if it's true." 

"We did talk about poetry!" Writing writing writing. "Do you want to hear something she wrote?"

"I'd love to, once your work's done. My point is, don't lie, but deemphasize the sex." 

"You're no fun at all," Asher complains. Writing writing. "Now they want to know about the porn I look at. Jeez."

"Lots of one girl two guys threesomes. A little actual gay porn, maybe a little bit of lesbian porn, some nebulous amount of straight porn but if it was kinky at all it was femdom, and you like Tessa Fowler." 

He doesn't look up from the book he's reading, but he makes a face. 

"That's... surprisingly similar to the porn I actually watch. Except I don't like femdom. --Sorry, Marlo, I'd take this conversation elsewhere except they're afraid that if we're alone together I'm going to rip off Sasha's clothes and ravish him."

"Not your fault." He still doesn't look up. 

"God, I wish. Next question?" 

"That's all the pages we have to do today. Wanna hear the poem Robin wrote for me?"

"Yes, I do." 

He recites:

Today when persimmons ripen

Today when fox-kits come out of their den into snow

Today when the spotted egg releases its wren song

Today when the maple sets down its red leaves

Today when windows keep their promise to open

Today when fire keeps its promise to warm

Today when someone you love has died

     or someone you never met has died

Today when someone you love has been born

     or someone you will not meet has been born

Today when rain leaps to the waiting of roots in their dryness

Today when starlight bends to the roofs of the hungry and tired

Today when someone sits long inside his last sorrow

Today when someone steps into the heat of her first embrace

Today, let this light bless you

With these friends let it bless you

With snow-scent and lavender bless you

Let the vow of this day keep itself wildly and wholly

Spoken and silent, surprise you inside your ears

Sleeping and waking, unfold itself inside your eyes

Let its fierceness and tenderness hold you

Let its vastness be undisguised in all your days

He enunciates clearly and speaks slowly and with emotion.

He closes his eyes while Asher is speaking and doesn't open them when Asher finishes. 

"...that's beautiful." 

Lev sets aside his workbook to listen.

"She's a really good poet."