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artifact annie has really terrible timing
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The mood in the city varies - by person, by moment - from ebullient to vindictively gleeful to bleakly despairing. The Feanorians are coming. The Feanorians are coming and either the horrors of the last few decades will be avenged or a new one will join the tale, if anyone remains alive to tell it. Perhaps the Feanorians are keeping track. 

 

The King of Sirion is one of the optimistic ones. He wears the Silmaril around his neck and watches from the towers by the shoreline and waits for the people who murdered his sisters, his parents, his whole people, to come and to die. The Silmaril bathes Sirion in stunning, sparkling, light.

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Someone spontaneously appears in the middle of a path. Someone might trip on her. Or slip in all this blood. The sources of the blood at least seem to be self-repairing? Oddly quickly, even with the Silmaril present?

She's a human. She's dressed in outlandish clothes that seem intended for much colder weather than this. She's still alive and whimpering.

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They are startled! By the blood, by the oddly quick self-repairing, by the sudden appearance. People crowd around and murmur anxiously. Someone should go - fetch a healer - they're all wearing white, in the probably-vain hope that the Feanorians will spare them accordingly - a hope made more vain by the fact some other people have worn white hoping to get close enough for a shot at the foe -

 - someone goes off to do that -

 

- there are trumpets in the distance -

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She flinches when the trumpets go off, starts screaming hoarsely. Since she is substantially less injured than she was thirty seconds ago this is a weird time to start getting louder about it.

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Well, perhaps she is quite reasonably afraid that the Fëanorians are going to come and kill everyobdy, because they are definitely going to come and try to do that. People ask her - can you walk, you should get out of the street, they're coming - 

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Confused pained whimpering noises.

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Can we carry you -

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She mumbles something in a foreign language.

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She doesn't look like a Dwarf but they try speaking aloud. "They're coming, they'll kill you if you're here, we've got to get you to the healers, they might not kill people in the healers, or you could just hide..."

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"- I, I don't know what you're talking about -" She's got enough of her bones knitted back together that she can sit up now.

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"The Fëanorians are coming. They're going to sack the city and kill everyone because we have -" gestures, she can't possibly have missed it - "and we can take you to the healers or you can hide but it doesn't look like you can fight them -"

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"I really really don't know what you're talking about but healers okay where -"

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The army arrives before they've gotten her to the healers. It's out of human eyesight but not out of human hearing - the clashing of metal on metal, the screaming - "here's the healers keep your head down -" 

It's on one of the cliffsides, so they have a view of the city and can go where they're needed. Through the window it's possible to see the fighting. 

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She doesn't need the window. And can't see.

She curls up in a corner, almost completely healed now. Shrugs off her coat and shakes.

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The fighting moves further into the city. The attackers are stabbing everything in their path. They are astonishingly good at it, like they've practiced almost nothing else for five hundred years. Blows bounce off their armor. People are screaming. The attackers are pushing towards the tower of the King.

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By now Annie can actually pick out their leader.

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Okay so that's five or six things wrong with her at least.

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They would be delighted to spare the healers but after the third person to stab them after pretending to be a healer they stop doing that. Some part of her shrieks in agony but most parts of her have been shrieking in agony for five hundred years anyway - this isn't real this isn't real she's going to wake up and Thauron will be laughing at her and say 'see how easy it was to reduce you to our level' and she's going to fucking kiss her because that will at least mean it isn't real - 

 

- they force the entrance to the tower, the King's guards are incompetent, what was he thinking - 

 

he jumps -

 

- the Silmaril plummets with him into the sea and the oath has no opinions about what the House of Fëanor needs to be doing here and she numbly, wearily, despairingly, tries to open her eyes back in Angband, and fails, and then goes to tell the healers they will not be interfered with.

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The bloodstained completely uninjured human in the weird clothes in the corner, eyes unfocused, twitches when Rirosseth speaks.

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Oh, a new hallucination-character she's supposed to pay attention to. She does, because she is clinging to reminders that this isn't real. She puts her hand on the hilt of her sword again - "name?"

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"- Annie."

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"Where are you from."

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"...N-noregr? I don't know where I am."

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"Where's that, how did you get here -" everyone's leaving her such a wide berth that they can't use their healing halls for healing, except a couple people who are trying to assess whether they stand a shot at killing her, she grabs the new hallucination character and pulls her out into the street -

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Annie stumbles but doesn't resist. "It's next to Sviar? I got hit by a van and at least five artifacts hit me and one of them put me here -"

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"What's a van, what are artifacts, are these locations coastal or inland, temperate or tropical or mountainous -"

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"Like a car but bigger, coastal, far north and cold and mountainous."

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"I've never heard of a car either."

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"...it's a vehicle."

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"...okay. Have they heard of the Enemy in Noregr?"

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"...no?"

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"Valar, Eru, Beleriand, Valinor - have you met any Elves or any Dwarves -"

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"I don't recognize any of those names and no everybody where I'm from is a human. ...Everybody on the whole planet."

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"You've mapped it enough to be sure? Okay. Entertaining the premise here, we've got to evacuate this world, is yours a good place to evacuate it to? We've also got to move - can you ride -"

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"I have never been on a horse in my life. I have never been near a horse in my life. Um, I guess it might be an okay place? Depending how many people this is and where they went - I don't know how you'd get there -"

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"How did you get here?" Lírnith is coordinating their retreat. It is not too complicated to coordinate because there is no one left here in any state to resist them. Lírnith is sending her the names of the dead. Once upon a time she would have appreciated that, and for a long time even after she stopped being able to care about things like that she would have appreciated that her sister kept doing it. She is past appreciating either of those things. It isn't really Lírnith anyway. Amras isn't really dead. 

 

She stops dead still in the street, shaking, unable to maintain her train of thought. There's so much blood everywhere -

 

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"I think one of the artifacts sent me - do you have those here -"

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"No, no we don't. What's the hook, if there's no way to save anyone -" distractedly, not really looking at Annie -

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"...huh?"

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She is no longer paying attention to her. She is still dragging her along. 

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Annie trips along after her.

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And after a minute - "...Nelya - what - I need you to get yourself together, everyone in the palace is dead except the princesses, they're six, they're a mess, entertaining the premise for me what do you want me to do -"

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"Kill me -"

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"...entertaining the premise far enough to make strategic decisions but not far enough to form preferences based on it, then -"

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"Someone would probably find the kids before they starved -"

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"Nelya."

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"Sure, let's take them. Let's take Annie too. May as well round out the ticket with some hostage infants -"

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"Half-mortal, they're six and this high -"

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"I don't care, Laurië, everybody's dead -"

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"And I actually have to fucking come to grips with it, so stop it with -" with the coping mechanism that is the reason you are still alive - "...would you like me to coordinate our retreat, commander."

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"Yes."

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She starts singing.

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Annie's knees buckle and she shrieks.

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...she does not immediately make the connection, just shoots her a confused glance and keeps singing.

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Annie doesn't stop shrieking until she's out of breath and then she gasps for it and sobs, dangling from Rirosseth's grip, unable to stand.

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"What's wrong now -"

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Can't answer too busy being in debilitating agony!

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Probably should kill her. No, most people don't want to die even though they'd be better off. ...render her unconscious? Is that even safe to do with humans -

 

- the person clinging to her in debilitating agony is causing a cascade of flashbacks, she's trembling violently, she'd better - she puts a hand around Annie's neck -

 

- if Annie were an Elf she'd now be an unconscious Elf, she has no idea what it'll do to a mortal, she collapses on the ground and begs Melkor to make it end -

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Annie passes out.

Briefly.

Bruises bloom on her neck and fade again almost at once and she wakes up and lapses at once into anguished sobbing.

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Well that probably means it's not dangerous to do, she can just hold her like that -

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- yup, she can keep pace with the healing.

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She has everybody coordinated. She raises an eyebrow at her sister and then wearily helps her sister drag her hostage onto a horse. There are a lot of dead to sing for. They ride. They sing. 

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Annie does not scream while unconscious.

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It's a long ride back to Amon Ereb. They don't take it in one go, because of the children. The children are terrified and silent and wary and probably imagining that they, too, will be strangled and kept unconscious if they are difficult. She has no idea how to correct that. She sings them to sleep when it's night. They do not sleep themselves. 

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Annie, quite passed out, has no comment on this.

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They return home. They get the children a room. They get the children a meal. People stare at her, but only a little bit. It's been a week since she's slept. There are black spots swimming in front of her eyes. Lírnith declines to take over for keeping the hostage human unconscious, so she sits against a wall and holds her and tries to stay awake a little longer. Eventually she fails.


When Annie wakes up she is cradled in a sleeping, bloodied, fully armored mass murderer's arms and there is at least momentarily no singing within human earshot.

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Annie touches her throat, catches her breath.

Assesses her surroundings.

...leans her head on the armored mass murderer's shoulder and sighs and tries to organize her thoughts.

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She won't be helpful; she's sleeping. The fortress they are in has thick stone walls and this corridor is empty.

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Uninterrupted downtime is actually really helpful. Annie doesn't have very many clues but she has some and she can pick through them and also her fucked-up emotional state without being in mysterious artifact torment or trying to answer the bewildering questions of Sword Lady.

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Sword lady: has no bewildering questions. Occasionally whimpers in her sleep.

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Poor Sword Lady.

Annie will lie here quietly for four hours or until somebody starts singing, whichever comes first.

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There are people singing, but out of human earshot from here. 

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Then neither she nor her mysterious artifactual torment can detect them!

She gets hungry. She starts carefully trying to extract herself from Sword Lady.

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She doesn't wake.

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Annie investigates the layout of the place and tries to see if any of the things she can sense are clearly recognizable even through the sense as food.

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There are kitchens downstairs and recognizably-food things.

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...she ventures cautiously down the stairs.

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She is sitting with the children! She is trying to coax them to have some soup. She looks up at Annie and looks weary and vaguely relieved. "Oh, good, you're not-  Nelya was scared to let you wake up because you kept screaming and couldn't tell us what was wrong -"

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"I - don't really know what it was. It hit once before but didn't last as long then. Sometimes an artifact drawback is a random thing hurting."

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(The children look at her curiously but don't move or speak.)

"Artifact drawback?"

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"I was hit by at least five and possibly more artifacts which are a thing my world has where if you touch them they permanently grant you one benefit and one drawback. I think one of them sent me here. Can I have some soup?"

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"Of course. ...is that why Nelya wanted you. I was trying to think how the Halls to -"

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Annie takes some soup. "How to what?"

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"If she were sane she would want me to stop her from staggering off with an unconscious girl she abducted from the site of a city we sacked, because - well, no one else is going to stop her and if she were sane she'd be horrified -"

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"- is she not?"

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"Not sane? No, she isn't, but I wasn't expecting her to be that particular kind of insane and I wasn't looking forward to confronting her about it. 'you accidentally travelled between worlds' is a much better reason -"

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"...compared to what?"

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"...you're pretty and we're already thoroughly damned? It would be profoundly out of character but I didn't have abundant alternate theories so I needed to at least make sure except she would have absolutely fallen apart -"

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...Annie makes a valiant attempt not to indulge mental images. "Oh. Well. I'm from another world and I don't think I can get anyone there like she was saying but I don't know what all my effects do yet. At least they don't seem to be mutually fatal."

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"Can we help you, um, I don't know, catalogue them? Mutually fatal, is that a thing that happens?"

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"It's not impossible in principle. If one, say, makes you need to sleep for twenty hours a day and another one makes you insomniac? I don't think anything I've noticed should interact like that. I could be missing things though, I don't know how many artifacts there were, just how many drawbacks I've counted."

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"How do artifact drawbacks work?"

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"Depends on the artifact. I'm blind, and deaf except for words - I think maybe I don't have a sense of smell either, which means that's probably one thing and not two or three, I wasn't sure before I tasted the soup and noticed the smell thing. Something I haven't identified yet makes me collapse screaming but at least it's not water, there's one where it's water. I'm really really uncomfortably warm. I've heard of other ones - there's a popular one that makes it so you can't keep secrets from whoever your favorite person is, the twenty hours of sleep a day one is real, there's one that makes you go around cursing at the top of your lungs all the time, there's one that makes you terrified of shoelaces..."

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"Okay. And the teleporting between worlds, is that a drawback or a - benefit -"

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"I'm assuming drawback. If it were a benefit I'd expect to be able to control it or something."

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Nod. Sigh. "Uh...you must want to know what's going on, yes?"

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"...it'd be nice."

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"...does your home world have Valar?"

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"No."

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"So the Valar are - the beings that created the world, and they are very powerful and incomprehensible. There are fifteen. Fourteen live on their own sealed-up paradise continent where no one is allowed to go or leave but which is otherwise quite nice, and the fifteenth one is nearing completion of a six-hundred year campaign to take over the world and torture and enslave everyone and fill the world with her mind-controlled servants, called orcs. We fought her. We lost. Pretty much everyone's dead and now we're just waiting around for her to pick us off when she's so inclined."

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"...what did the place I landed in have to do with that?"

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"So there are three powerful - magic things - they're called the Silmarils - which my mother made, and which could have stopped the Enemy and won the war. And more than six hundred years ago when the Enemy stole them and the other Valar were positioning themselves to make a claim that the Valar were the rightful owners, my whole family swore an oath - a magically binding oath, humans don't have those, Elves do, if I swear something I literally cannot break my word - to kill the people who withheld the Silmarils. 

 

And for five hundred years that was just the Enemy and that was fine because she needed killing, but then some idiot stole a Silmaril, and we told them that the oath bound us to go after them and they wouldn't give it back, and - you can resist an oath. You stop caring about anything, you stop feeling anything except intensifying psychological agony, but you can...for a time...until you've stopped caring about peoples' lives, and then you have no further reason to resist, and then you act."

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"Yes, it was astonishingly unforgivably stupid and evil, I know, I've known six hundred years, doesn't help us any now."

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"That must have been what they were gesturing at when they explained why they were under attack - did they think they were going to win, what do the Silmarils even do that they wanted them so badly -"

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"Healing and light, by default, we could have killed the evil god with them but no one else knows how to use them for that - and we'd teach them, obviously, but it's not 'oh, you enter the secret password' it's 'oh, you decipher from what remains of my mother's notes the magic that she used to do it and then you adjust it and it'd take ten years of research to get anywhere'."

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"Oh."

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"I don't know if they thought they were going to win or if they just didn't care because everyone in the world is dead anyway -"

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"...they showed me to the healers because they said I might not get killed if I was there."

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"Then probably thought they'd win." She shakes her head. "The King was really young, he was only three the last time this happened, he must have had advisors who could have told him that we've spent six hundred years at war and are really good at it but I guess he could still just have miscalculated..."

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Annie gets some more soup.

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"Anyway. Don't know if you saw that part but the King jumped off a cliff into the ocean with the Silmaril, which means as far as the oath is concerned no one's holding it and so the oath - stopped. It'll come back if someone acquires it again somehow. We did check, couldn't find it on the shore."

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"I can't see and my weird magic replacement sense has a range limit and he wasn't in it."

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"...okay. Well. That's what happened. ...these are the King's daughters. They haven't told me their names, maybe they'll want to talk to you on account of you not being a mass murderer."

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"Hi," says Annie to the girls. "I'm Annie."

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They watch her cautiously. One takes the other one's hand. They do not offer their names.

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...oh well.

"Um, I probably can't evacuate the world. If it turns out I can't evacuate the world what do I... do."

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"Uh, pick how you want to die, I guess. I'm sorry."

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"We probably have some time left. Ten years, maybe even fifty."

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"...mm."

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"...yes, we're mass murderers not capable of expressing anything resembling the correct affect or emotions surrounding having just been magically coerced into a massacre, yes I just told you Nelya's not sane, no we're not wrong about any of this, no it's not really safe to verify but no one will stop you from trying."

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"It's not particularly that I don't believe you. I just don't... know what to do." Pause. "Can I have some paper, the language thing cuts through the deafness thing and I - would like to see if I can read."

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"Yes, sure." She doesn't move. After a few minutes someone comes in with paper.

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"...how'd you know to bring paper?" Annie asks the paper-bearer.

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"Uh, the princess asked?"

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"...maybe you just have much better hearing than humans?"

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"We have osanwë. We can communicate mind-to-mind over great distances."

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"...oh, that explains what they were doing before they tried talking."

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"Yeah, osanwe doesn't have a language barrier - if you didn't have time in Sirion to learn the language, is that another artifact thing?"

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"Yeah. I didn't know what language to speak here until I heard it but then I knew how - I can do it with languages from my world I've heard of too - I didn't notice it until I could understand someone who spoke this to me." She apprehensively tries writing a word out on the paper - sags in relief. "I can read too. That's lucky, it could've been spoken only or just not beaten the blindness..."

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"Does this sort of thing happen to people often?"

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"No. Usually even if you touch an artifact by accident there's only one of it, and you only do it on purpose if you know what it does."

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"And they universally have a benefit and a drawback?"

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"Yeah. Although some of them it's sort of arguable if the benefit is really good or the drawback is really that bad."

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"Nelya sent people back to where she found you to look for things that could be - the relevant artifacts, I guess. Didn't find anything."

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"I don't think they came with. And it could've been bad if they had and someone had touched them."

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"Yes, I'm starting to gather. The horrible pain one especially - unless we could weaponize it -"

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"I don't have any qualms about causing the Enemy horrible agony if we could figure out how. She tortured my sister for fifty years and we never really got her back."

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"...I don't know what it comes with, I don't know what the trigger is - there's one where it's water and at least I don't have that - and you'd have to get the Enemy to touch it."

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"Yes, I'm not saying we could do it, just that if there's anything at all that'd justify it this would be it."

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Annie is done with soup now. She sighs. "What's your name? And your sister is - Nelya? -"

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"I'm Lírnith in the language we're speaking, my native tongue and our native names were illegal for five hundred years before the kingdom enforcing that law fell. My sister's Rirosseth, but Nelya's what we called her when we were kids and sometimes it - cues her better? It's complicated."

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"...complicated how?"

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"In between torturing people the Enemy gives them hallucinations of being rescued or escaping. She can do them very convincingly, edit your memories if you're not convinced and try it again, she can make subjective centuries go by in a year... Nelya said once there's been ten? Eleven? Rescues that turned out to be a game. She thinks she's still a prisoner. She thinks she's going to wake up. At this point she hopes it's all a lie, because if it is then she didn't lead people who trusted her into horrifying war crimes. She - tries to act in ways she'd endorse if things were real but lately that's been getting harder and harder.   She keeps telling me that if it were real she'd just want to die."

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"Oh."

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"Yep. It's - she can pretend most of the time, for a long time no one except me even knew."

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"- if she just wants to die then -"

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"Elves can't. Not in the sense she wants to."

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"Can't?"

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"You can destroy our bodies enough we can't sustain them, but as far as anyone's ever heard of there's nothing you can do to stop us from having conscious experiences - and if you're dead you're either all alone or in the Halls which are reputed to be terrible. At least this way sometimes she's asleep."

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"The Halls?"

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"One of the Valar collects the dead. And brings them back if they are worthy. Mass murder obviously disqualifies you, so it's just - waiting, alone, forever."

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"- but -"

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"No one deserves that?" Shrug. "No one deserves to have been born to an Arda but here Eru put us all. Except you, I suppose. Welcome to the sculpted horror show of our idiot gods."

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"Who's Eru?"

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"The god who scripted everything in the first place. She directly intervenes sometimes but don't think we haven't tried prayer."

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"Oh."

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"Sorry."

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"So why are the children here -?"

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"The king of Sirion? Had two sisters. They were seven, I think, when we sacked Doriath - that being the last city where this whole nightmare played out - and somebody in the middle of the fighting took the kids outside and we guess they ran away into the forest and starved and I figured this time I would make a different horrible mistake. They're safe here. The enemy doesn't bother us - why would she, we practically work for her -"

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"...oh."

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"It is likely the Enemy will follow up in Sirion  now they're defenseless. Or has already."

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"If you'll find it cathartic to yell at me or something you can, I understand..."

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"I don't really want to yell at you, it doesn't seem like it would help anything."

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"It wouldn't. I don't do a lot of self-flagellation for the same reason, but lots of people still find it - emotionally reassuring on some level -"

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"What was the oath exactly -?"

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She closes her eyes. "If I speak the original language will you still understand me?"

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"I think so."

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"Be she foe or friend, be she foul or clean,

brood of Morgoth or bright Vala,
Elda or Maia or Aftercomer,
Man yet unborn upon Middle-earth,
neither law, nor love, nor league of swords,
dread nor danger, not Doom itself,
shall defend her from Fëanáre, and Fëanáre's kin,
whoso hideth or hoardeth, or in hand taketh,
finding keepeth or afar casteth
a Silmaril. This swear we all:
death we will deal her ere Day's ending,
woe unto world's end! Our word hear thou,
Eru Allmother! To the everlasting
Darkness doom us if our deed faileth.
On the holy mountain hear in witness
and our vow remember, Manwë and Varda!

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"I suppose that's the generic 'she' and you don't get anywhere if a man has them."

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"Yeah, you can't rules-lawyer oaths that much."

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"Suppose it would have been unrealistic for me to think of anything you didn't in six hundred years."

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"I don't mind if you try. But - yeah, we've tried. The major loophole if you can call it that is that we're only obliged to harass anyone who is currently in that moment holding a Silmaril, so the minute they surrendered it or we got it back it'd be over and we wouldn't have to - but at this point we have a reputation, people don't trust that they'd be okay if they surrendered and they'll surrender and then keep trying to kill us -"

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"...how did you get a reputation saying that people wouldn't be okay if they surrendered, if they would?"

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"Aforementioned dead kids, and general tendency of people to assume the worst of their enemies, and we don't show orcs quarter but we don't have a choice on that one."

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"Those are the mind-controlled servants?"

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"Sworn to obey her. She sometimes gives orders like 'carry no weapons, go and make a nice peaceful settlement near some Elves, don't fight back unless they kill you and your children' - but if we don't do anything about them she can, remotely, at any time, give them different orders and they don't get a choice."

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"...ah."

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"They swear as soon as they can talk."

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"...no loopholes in that either?"

Permalink Mark Unread

"Sometimes we'd find some, try to work with them, then she'd learn and change what the next generation swore."

Permalink Mark Unread

...nod.

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She wakes up.

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"- Rirosseth's awake." Pause. "My weird sense goes through things. It's kind of creepy really."

Permalink Mark Unread

"Well, it's good to know about." 

This is Annie, her world's magic system comes with powers paired with drawbacks and the unspeakable agony is one of the drawbacks, still don't know the trigger, she's also deaf and blind but can read and write and hear words, I gave her the history, the kids haven't introduced themselves yet.

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She stands up, takes the armor off. 

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"It goes maybe a hundred yards crisply and fades from there."

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She comes in to find them. "Hi, Annie! I'm lucky Lírnith was here to explain things, that must have been an absurdly confusing situation to awaken to. Rirosseth. It's good to meet you properly."

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"Lírnith's been very helpful."

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"As much help as anything is, at least, right?" She looks at the kids. "Hi."

No answer. 

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"They didn't talk to me either."

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"When Elves are out fighting," she says to them, "and we need to be very sneaky, we can osanwë to tell each other where we are. Dwarves can't, so they use hand signals." She draws her hand to her chest. "That means 'give me some space now'" - different gesture - "and this one means 'be close to me'."

The children look at each other.

 

One of them copies the give-me-some-space gesture. 

"Annie," she says, "would you like a tour of the fortress?"

Lírnith stands too.

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oh help it was complicated enough being in love with you when you weren't being sweet like that with terrified children

"Sure."

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So the three of them leave. She falls in beside her sister. "I confess I don't actually have much of a tour planned. There's a courtyard -" gestures - "and lots of empty rooms, now, if you want to pick one..."

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"It might make sense to put me a ways away from everyone else because my magic sense thing goes through walls and people might want more expectation of privacy?"

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"We can do that."

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"...okay. Am I correct in thinking that you're just sort of - keeping me around in case my otherworldly powers turn out to be more useful than just occasionally making me collapse and letting me talk to people -?"

Permalink Mark Unread

"If you have somewhere else you want to go you're not our prisoner."

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"I really don't."

Permalink Mark Unread

"I don't think the Enemy knows that there are other worlds and I don't want him to find out. And yes, if you turn out to have any magic powers - or if anyone from your world comes looking for you -"

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"If anyone comes looking for me it will take a minimum of several days and probably much longer. There's someone who's got an artifact power to analyze other artifacts without having to touch them, but he has to sleep twenty hours a day and they won't know which one to start with. If the one that sent me here turns out to be controllable or consistent or reversible or something it'd have to wait until he found that out."

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"You were out for almost a week. I checked a couple times if you were not-in-unimaginable-agony but you always were -"

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"It happened one time before that almost right after I landed but it was just a few seconds then..."

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"If it happens again is there something you want us to do instead -"

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"...did you have to actually stand over me the whole time, that sounds awfully labor-intensive, there has to be some other way to keep me knocked out."

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"You heal really fast,  and most ways of continually doing enough damage to keep you unconscious will kill you if we're badly calibrated about the healing or if it runs out of power or anything -"

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"But maybe you could just, I don't know, tie something around my neck -? It won't run out of power, that's not a thing artifact effects do, if I have a healing factor I just have it now."

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"Then that should be safe enough. I think."

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Nod. "It's at least more likely to actually be a trigger thing than a random thing, I think a random thing would probably have similar durations each episode - I was, I was going to study artifact statistics if they would've let me into the department -"

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"Let you into the department?"

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"The university I went to has an artifact studies department - it's one of the best in the world because of the guy who can analyze the artifacts - but it allows access to some dangerous artifacts so they won't admit people unless you get in range of a mindreader to be checked out for what you might do with that, once a semester - so I was undeclared until I could see if there was a way to get around that. It's otherwise pretty easy to avoid the mindreaders because they yell all the time."

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"There's no - not that way of verifying intent?"

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"Not that they use that I'd found out about before I got hit by the van. I didn't even want to touch any of the university artifacts, I just wanted to do stats, I would've been fine if they let me major in artifacts and didn't give me a key to the room, but..."

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"So you have - disabled ordinary senses, a new special sense, the agony fits, the teleporting to a new universe, the languages..."

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"And I'm too hot all the time - if you have anything for me to change into that's less bloody and lighter that would be good, it's - I can't actually tell how cold it is here but there's no snow so probably hotter than I'm dressed for even without the artifact effect and me having left my coat behind - and um - and the healing - and I'm probably missing some stuff with odd triggers."

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"We can find you something lighter. I'm counting four bad things and three good ones?"

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"I'm not positive that blindness and deafness are together. There's at least one artifact in existence that does blindness all by itself."

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"Okay." 

 

Someone brings lighter clothes.

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"Where should I go to change?"

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"Hmm - right, sorry, we haven't had humans around in a while. The - I think everyone who was living in the north wing was dead, there's a guest room there..." She sends the location over osanwë.

Permalink Mark Unread

"- okay."

Annie goes there. She changes clothes and then comes back out.

Permalink Mark Unread

They are leaning against the wall and speaking silently. 

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She's not sure how you interrupt or don't interrupt or - what - a telepathic conversation. She shuffles around awkwardly a ways away. She definitely does not point her face at them because why would she do that what color is Rirosseth's hair she bets it's pretty -

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"Do you need anything else? We were thinking we should probably go check on the kids - actually, if you're up for it, you could check on the kids, since you can do it while giving them space..."

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"I can check on them. Um, I don't have very good facial expression reading so all I'll really be able to tell is where they are."

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"Do you want to borrow our eyes? I'm glad the other sense can compensate but it sounds - I can't imagine not being able to see farther than a few hundred yards, or without enough fidelity for facial expressions..."

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"You can do that? - I think I have the fidelity for facial expressions just not the practice."

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"Yes, osanwë can share senses - sight better than sound, because most people triangulate off sound and find it fairly disorienting -" she attempts to send her how to see through someone else's eyes -

Permalink Mark Unread

...are Lírnith's available because Annie wants to look at Rirosseth.

Permalink Mark Unread

Sure, she'll let Annie look through her eyes.

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oh no she's pretty (of course she's pretty) (the scars are heartbreaking but she's so pretty) oh no

"- wow, you have way better vision than I ever did."

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"Elves have much more acute senses than humans, yeah. But our environments not being exceptionally pretty bothers us, so it's a mixed blessing."

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"That does sound like a hassle."

Permalink Mark Unread

"I wish you'd arrived in time to see a real Elven city."

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"I don't have much aesthetics through the weird sense and don't know if that's practice or just not something it has. I guess I could've looked at it with help."

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They both shudder. Here is the room where they left the traumatized girls. They do not go in.

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And where are the traumatized girls?

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They appear to be searching the kitchen for food things and hiding them.

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"...hiding food around."

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"Well, I think we should let them, if it makes them feel safer - we're not going to run out of food -"

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Nod.

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"Do they have their own rooms -"

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"Yeah. I've been singing them to sleep - I'll stop if they want, but they haven't given any indication either way - perhaps you can invent a hand signal for that, too..."

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"- I know some actual sign languages."

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"That would probably be more applicable than Dwarven military communication signalling."

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"Yeah. Should I teach you first or them?"

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"I don't want to interrupt them right now."

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"Okay. Uh, in Norden Sign 'go away' would be -" She gestures. "And 'stay close' would be -" Gesture.

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"Is there something for 'sing'?"

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"Yeah -" Like so.

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"They're half-mortal, I don't know how quickly they'll pick it up, but that'll help a lot."

Permalink Mark Unread

"Are Elves really fast with languages too?"

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"My mother could be conversant in a day and fluent in a week, in anything. I'm about half that fast, mortal adults are really slow usually-"

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"...compared to that yep."

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"Compared to their own lifespans. We tried to fix mortality - could have done it, if we'd had a little bit more time -"

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"- more time to what?"

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"For the relevant researchers to stay alive. Our magic system is powerful but very, very slow - complicated things can easily take a mortal lifetime - my mother might have been able to do it in a few decades but she was killed very early in the war, my sister could have done it but not that fast but - she's dead too -"

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"Oh."

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"Everyone's dead. Two hundred fifty thousand of us crossed the ocean to fight this war and there are - maybe seventy people alive now."

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"- in six hundred years nobody's had kids, or -"

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"Not in wartime, no."

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"Oh."

Permalink Mark Unread

"That's another Elf thing. We - this is no world to bring a child into."

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"I think most humans don't consider the fitness of the world for children before having them," nods Annie.

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"Well, they also don't get a choice. Elves can't have children except by the deliberate will of both parents."

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"...in my world we have medicine to prevent it if we want but it's not totally perfect."

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"...if you'd gotten here a century ago she'd be delightedly asking you how to do it so we could reverse-engineer it, we find it very upsetting how they don't get a choice, but now there's only a handful of mortals who aren't slaves of the Enemy and we have no resources to develop new medicines anyway."

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"I don't know how to do it, I'm not a doctor or a pharmacist or anything. I think it involves messing around with hormones somehow..."

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"Well, luckily it doesn't matter."

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"I guess."

Permalink Mark Unread

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"Kids still looking for food?"

Permalink Mark Unread

"Yeah."

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Sigh. "Thanks. I might go sing for a while."

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She reaches out almost as if to touch her, stops three inches short as if hitting a hard wall, smiles faintly. "See you later."

Permalink Mark Unread

"Yeah. Love you."

Permalink Mark Unread

"Love you."

Permalink Mark Unread

Love you. "...is there anything I should be doing, or, I don't know, books -?"

Permalink Mark Unread

"There are books. I can have someone show you where - you can read any language too?"

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"Probably."

Permalink Mark Unread

"Okay. If not you can ask her to read things to you."

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"Thanks."

Permalink Mark Unread

"I can imagine this is horrible and overwhelming."

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"Yeah."

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"Let me know if there's anything we can do."

Permalink Mark Unread

"Under the circumstances you're being really hospitable."

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"The circumstances being 'we're mass murdering scourges of the continent who kidnapped you because you have interesting magic'?"

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"...I wouldn't have said that."

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"Okay. But you can, I don't want you to think you have to appease us to be safe here."

Permalink Mark Unread

"It sounds like most of the problems around here are because oaths are a thing. I'm not really used to that and haven't totally decided how to think about it."

Permalink Mark Unread

"They certainly don't help anything. ...wait, no Elves in your home world?"

Permalink Mark Unread

"No, just humans, the whole planet."

Permalink Mark Unread

"Most people from worlds without Elves don't have the habit of keeping their thoughts private. It's easy to pick up but has to be taught -"

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"...keeping their thoughts private?"

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"Osanwë is communicative, not hostile, you can't use it to read anything that the person has mentally demarcated as private. But people who've never met Elves don't usually already know how to do that. But all your thoughts are private, just like if you'd grown up somewhere where osanwë was a thing. And the mind-reading artifacts can't work the same way, from what you said of them..."

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"...they don't."

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"They wouldn't really work for the purpose they're using them for if they did."

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"Yeah. I... guess this could be an artifact benefit? Which has been letting harmless osanwë through but not mindreading?"

Permalink Mark Unread

"That would be a really good one. Like Dwarves but more convenient."

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"Dwarves?"

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"Are immune to all mind-affecting magic."

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"There's more of it besides osanwë?"

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"Enemy can do a lot of things. And there's songs for it, too, and the other Valar can tamper with your head but they don't without permission..."

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"Oh. Well. I hope my artifact holds up if it has to."

Permalink Mark Unread

"We might be able to check, Lírnith does not know anything that'd definitely count as mind-affecting but she can put people to sleep, speed up their perceptions of the world around them, stuff like that, if your artifact protects against those then you'd know it likely protects against mind-affecting ones too." 

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"...okay."

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"You don't have to check if you'd rather not."

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"It's better to know. I just - didn't know that you would've been reading my mind all along without the artifact."

Permalink Mark Unread

"I'd have told you how to do private thoughts if you weren't doing them already. All my mortal allies knew it. Inconveniently for us, as it turned out, because they betrayed us to the Enemy, but -"

Permalink Mark Unread

"Oh."

Permalink Mark Unread

"I - don't think the Enemy can read my mind, it's the only thing she doesn't control absolutely, I wouldn't let you go along not knowing -"

Permalink Mark Unread

"Thank you."

Permalink Mark Unread

"You're welcome."  

 

A person comes to show her to the library.

Permalink Mark Unread

And Annie goes to the library and looks at books.

Permalink Mark Unread

And she goes to her rooms and changes and showers and scrubs away at her skin until it's numb and badly scratched, like always, and then sits there and stares at the ceiling, like almost always lately.

Permalink Mark Unread

And she, within range of mortal earshot of the library, picks up a harp and starts playing.

Permalink Mark Unread

And now Annie is screaming on the floor again.

Permalink Mark Unread

The person who brought Annie to the library notices this and runs off to find a Fëanorian and finds Lírnith first. 

Permalink Mark Unread

She stops and rushes up to see if she can help.

Permalink Mark Unread

Annie's catching her breath and slowly sitting up by the time Límith gets there.

Permalink Mark Unread

"Happened again?"

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"Yeah." She picks up the book she dropped and smooths out its pages.

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"Do you know what triggered it?"

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"No idea. I was paying attention to the book, not anything around me - maybe I should go around with more situational awareness till it's figured out -"

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Shudder. "Might be a good idea. I'm sorry."

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"It's, you know, it's over when it's over."

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"And that is really really good, but still."

Permalink Mark Unread

"Yeah."

Permalink Mark Unread

"Let me know if you need anything."

Permalink Mark Unread

"Will do. Thank you."

Permalink Mark Unread

And she goes back to playing.

Permalink Mark Unread

Ohshit.

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And this time when she'd notified - "do you have a reaction to music?"

Permalink Mark Unread

 

"Maybe? Second time it happened you were singing - I didn't hear anything the first time but I wouldn't would I -"

Permalink Mark Unread

"...suppose not. That's going to be really inconvenient - I wonder what the range is -"

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"...I guess we could test that? If there's usually a lot of music around, enough to keep me out for a week -"

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"We sing for a week straight when people die, it's the mourning process. We didn't know, or obviously we'd have - do you want to test range, I take it it's very unpleasant -"

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"It... is. Do you happen to know how close I've been to music while still okay so we can start from far away closing in instead of the other way around?"

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"There are people singing right now, other end of the fortress."

Permalink Mark Unread

"...so I guess I could just go in their direction really slowly and you could drag me away if I fall over?"

Permalink Mark Unread

"Sure, that's probably a good way to do it."

Permalink Mark Unread

So Annie goes in the direction indicated, slowly and gingerly - then flinches back.

"It's not all or nothing, that's something."

Permalink Mark Unread

"I wonder if it's a distance or a volume thing."

Permalink Mark Unread

"Well, it's definitely not that I have to hear it, but it could still be how clearly I'd hear it if I could hear."

Permalink Mark Unread

"That seems almost unfair. ...if you borrow my hearing, by which that singing is perfectly clear -"

Permalink Mark Unread

"Testing -"

She doesn't flinch!

"Okay, so it's really really not about whether I can perceive the music."

Permalink Mark Unread

"I can ask them to go quieter, then you can see if that lets you get any closer -"

Permalink Mark Unread

"Okay."

Permalink Mark Unread

Can you sing more quietly? We're testing some of Annie's magic.

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And when she has the go-ahead Annie picks her way forward a bit, and does get noticeably closer before twitching back (and falling over).

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And getting dragged out of range. "Okay. So it's responding to something like 'what a human would hear', though actually hearing it doesn't matter, and if we get you a soundproofed room - it'll be underground, but it sounds like you won't mind if it's chilly? - then we can sing enough to stay sane without torturing you."

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"Chilly would be great, I pretty much feel like I'm baking. ...Uh, I think I noticed another thing."

Permalink Mark Unread

So she tells some people to set up a room that used to be for food storage and is as dungeon-like as any Quendi living space gets and is drafty and insulated by lots of stone from the castle above it. 

"Oh?"

Permalink Mark Unread

"I guess it's skin-contact touch range? I only noticed it when you grabbed me. I think I could transfer the effects. I don't know if they'd be in their pairs or what the pairings are of course."

Permalink Mark Unread

 

"Oh. 

 

 

 

And one of them is the teleporting - unless that's the one that makes you allergic to music I think most people here would take it -"

Permalink Mark Unread

"...I think I could take them back. And I think I could give them out by drawback, so we could find what goes with feeling too hot and so on, process of elimination..."

Permalink Mark Unread

"Couldn't take the teleport back, not if the person teleported - can you take them off yourself, or just other people -"

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"Well, the teleport won't go with feeling too hot and feeling too hot will go with something useful," Annie explains. "I definitely can't take them off myself."

Permalink Mark Unread

"...okay. I should get my sister."

 

 

Permalink Mark Unread

Is Annie suddenly apprehensive what why would that be. "Okay."

Permalink Mark Unread

"Do you not want her around or something -"

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"No, no, it's fine."

Permalink Mark Unread

"I didn't mean to scare you when I said when we met I was glad to have a kidnapping explanation - she used to be a good person -"

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"It's really okay."

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She comes. "What?"

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"I can transfer effects. Skin contact range, I didn't notice it until Lírnith pulled me away from the music. Which is what I'm allergic to. But only to human earshot range. Even though I can't actually hear it unless it has lyrics."

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"That is ...a weird way to delimit, but okay - you can transfer them - we can evacuate people -"

Permalink Mark Unread

"I still think that one's a drawback not a benefit. Which means no two people could guarantee they'd be in the same place - everybody might wind up in a different world - and there's no guarantee they'd be nice places, although it is usually taken to be a consistent law that an artifact effect will never kill you outright all by itself."

Permalink Mark Unread

"Would dropping you in the ocean count as killing you outright, though -"

Permalink Mark Unread

"Nope. It would probably not drop you deep enough to kill you with water pressure, or in water that would kill you with hypothermia right away, but theoretically swimmable ocean that just doesn't happen to be anywhere near any land to swim to, that could happen."

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"Well, everyone who stays is definitely going to die, but - if it's paired with healing or something that'd make it a lot safer -"

Permalink Mark Unread

"I was thinking the safe thing to do would be to hand out the controllable drawbacks temporarily and see what goes with and match as much as we can that way first."

Permalink Mark Unread

"Sounds good. So the benefits are healing, new sense, ability to hand out the artifacts you've touched, probably the mental opacity thing, languages, and the drawbacks are blind+deaf, music allergy, overheating, the teleport, and - does that mean blind and deaf are probably separate -"

Permalink Mark Unread

 

"No."

Permalink Mark Unread

"It doesn't?"

Permalink Mark Unread

 

 

"There's, there's another bad one, psychological effect, if I hand out powers by drawback it won't affect anybody."

Permalink Mark Unread

"...okay."

Permalink Mark Unread

"...um, who should I try stuff on."

Permalink Mark Unread

"...I'll ask for volunteers."

 

She does. She gets one.

Permalink Mark Unread

And Annie hands out powers by drawback.

Warmth: no obvious correlate at all.

Music allergy, once they can get everybody to quit singing long enough to test it in case it depends on the species of the effect bearer: healing.

Blindness: packaged with deafness and the sense of smell loss after all. Comes with the weird sense.

Permalink Mark Unread

Everyone is very disappointed that the healing comes with the music allergy. ...the warmth not having a correlate means there's another drawback too, one they haven't noticed yet, right? In addition to the one she's not discussing in much depth.

Permalink Mark Unread

Yeah it does. At least one. There could be lots of hidey ones.

Permalink Mark Unread

Fantastic.

 

So they can't make many inferences about what goes with the other ones. There's mental opacity and the power-handing-out itself to account for, and one more without discernable effects...they ask their people who'd want a teleport to a random world. Most people do, but - not quite yet. Once the Enemy comes for them. 

Permalink Mark Unread

Okay.

...In the meantime the healing might do old injuries and it does not seem likely that removing it would reinflict them. If Rirosseth or anyone else would like to borrow it for just a short musicless period.

Permalink Mark Unread

"That's a good idea, but."

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She has flashbacks when touched.

Permalink Mark Unread

Oh.

(Substantial fractions of the contents of Annie's brain tear themselves to shreds because Rirosseth must never ever ever come to harm.)

"Um - maybe if you were sleeping or something? It doesn't feel like anything, healing..."

Permalink Mark Unread

"I can handle it, I would just - need to be prepared. Maybe tomorrow."

Permalink Mark Unread

"Okay."

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"...you okay?"

Permalink Mark Unread

"I'm fine."

Permalink Mark Unread

"Maybe the drawback or drawbacks we're missing will make itself manifest."

Permalink Mark Unread

"Maybe."

Permalink Mark Unread

"Thank you, Annie. This is very good news even if we can't have it all puzzled out instantly."

Permalink Mark Unread

"You're welcome."

Permalink Mark Unread

And the next day she will be able to poke Annie's finger with hers for healing. She looks like this is absolutely terrifying.

Permalink Mark Unread

Oh no poor Rirosseth oh no. Annie does her very best to hold still and look unintimidating. Healing goes.

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Hand grows back. It is very weird to watch. Scars fade away. She is trembling slightly. 

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Annie holds her hand quite still so that it can be poked again the music allergy does not need to be a persistent feature of Rirosseth's life (oh no oh no oh no shaky unhappy Rirosseth nooooo).

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"Thank you. That was a good idea." Fascinated flexing of the returned hand. "It doesn't hurt you or anything, does it?"

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"No? It doesn't feel like anything."

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"Then what's wrong?"

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"I'm fine."

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"I see. You know, I used to -" she shakes her head. "Never mind."

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- used to what? But Annie has been told to never mind so she doesn't ask.

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And she gives her sister something that less three inches of air would be a hug, and then goes off to try to coax the children into the library.

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Annie goes and writes things (they are in Noregrsk) and reads things and works out a way to sort of draw by using letters.

Permalink Mark Unread

The kids are persuadable into the library. She reads to them.

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Do they want sign language lessons, later?

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They do! Can Annie provide?

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She can!

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The girls are attentive and more cheerful and only occasionally shoot wary glances at Rirosseth.

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...well, this isn't really unreasonable of them but Annie hasn't the slightest idea how to address it so. Just sign language. It turns out she can see people in brief flashes, when they make signs - their hands and any parts of the body they also move or touch to complete the sign.

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Then she will see flashes of two kids and Rirosseth as they learn to sign a wider variety of useful things.

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...it's really hard not to look at Rirosseth in the moments she can see her.

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And it's much easier to read Annie when she's paying normal visual attention to her.

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Well Annie is trying very hard not to be obvious BUT IT IS SO HARD. ...here look she butchered the Noregrsk alphabet into tengwar correspondences we can spell things now.

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The children haven't been taught how to read yet. She realizes it would be racist to mutter under her breath about the Thindar and their appalling priorities so she doesn't. But the girls need to learn to read, reading is delightful.

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Reading is very important yep.

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At some point she stops signing. Lírnith? Want to come take over for me?

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Sure, why -

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Just please come. 

 

She is trembling violently.

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"- are you okay?"

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Okay don't answer Annie will just be freaked out over here while writing words for the kids to sound out.

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the kids should go get some fresh air in the courtyard why don't they do that 

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Okay.

(what happened what's wrong aaaaaaah)

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She comes in. "Do you want me to calm you down Annie'd have to go away -"

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"I don't care what you do to me."

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And she looks at Annie - "what happened, did you confess your undying love for her or something-"

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"What -" no she was being very discreet - "I didn't say anything -"

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"Fuck you," she says, "I hate you I hate that you keep doing this I wish I still had emotions strong enough to contain how contemptible it is can't you just fucking end it can't you just stop spinning yourself new faces what do you even want you have it I will never be of any use to anyone I care about ever again I am broken you won now just please, please, stop -"

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 - "Nelya. Nelya -"

 

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"Stop calling me that. My sisters called me that and they're not here, they're safe, you will never get your hands on them -"

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should she leave

she should probably leave

Lírnith has some thing she can do if Annie is not around and probably knows what she's doing so Annie should leave

Annie leaves.

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The thing she can do is sing her sister calm, which she has advance permission to do conditional on being real and on Rirosseth looking about to hurt herself and so as soon as Annie is out of range Rirosseth is calm. She still thinks this is the contrived means by which Thauron is going to end this excruciating hallucination with rape but she is not upset about it at all, she is so very calm, and Lírnith is too because these things are self-affecting, and she walks with her to bed and sings her calm until she sleeps and then -

 

- fuck -

 

Annie, are you okay -

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What happened?

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Uh. So. The ten or eleven hallucinations of being rescued? The Enemy had a favored way of ending them and seguing back into Angband, and it was - situations being contrived such that she needed to get over the touch thing, do I need to expand on that -

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I won't I wouldn't ever I can't -

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Yeah but she doesn't even believe you exist she recognized the setup and decided we're all definitely hallucinations and she doesn't need to pretend to take this at face value anymore. 

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I need to not be hurting her how do I not be hurting her.

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She's not hurting right now you can explain what happened -

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Artifact effect, I didn't say anything I really didn't - I was too scared at first and then it seemed like it would be a distraction and then it seemed like it wouldn't be good for her to know -

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It wouldn't be good for her to know but she's good at people, she wouldn't fail to notice for very long, she probably just pieced it together on her own, not your fault....

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Should I go somewhere else, is there even anywhere else -

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What does this effect do, what does it feel like -

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Like the very most important thing in the world is that she not be hurting and especially that I not be hurting her, I can't think around that, I need to not hurt her.

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She's not hurting. You're not hurting her. I calmed her down and she's now asleep and we need to figure out what to do but you're not hurting her, she's okay, she can stay that way for as long as needed if it's the only way you can think -

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Deep breaths. Okay.

 

Pretty much as soon as she got into the crisper part of my weird sense I was, um, in love with her, very suddenly. Since she wasn't the first person I encountered it must be filtering by something but I have no idea what, it could be anything, some artifacts have divinatory contingencies but it could be anything. I, I don't need anything in particular from her not if it's going to hurt her, I can't hurt her, I'm not going to touch her unless she needs a power -

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...can you push me the power and then remove it, or will I very much object to having it removed once I've got it -

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...I think I'd object to having it removed if it didn't freak her out. But that could just be me freaking out about mind altering magic even when all it's doing is reversing previous mind altering magic, I don't know if the effect self-protects outright. And since it does freak her out I'd get rid of it in a heartbeat if I could. I can try on you if you want but I don't know what it filters for, I don't know if it'll stick you on anybody.

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...could try it without anyone around, or without any men around if we assume it's at least trying a tiny bit on the compatibility front - though in a way it'd be more useful if it did temporarily work so I could send her, show her it's not the same -

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I have no idea how hard it's trying on the compatibility front, I was bisexual to begin with.

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She was gay before - stuff happened, she had a secret girlfriend who died a century ago - anyway, let's try it and then remove it regardless of what I say about it, unless you expect I'll actually fight you if you try.

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I - don't know how likely you are to do that?

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I am pretty sure I wouldn't but you're the one with the heavy-duty mind-affecting magic. 

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Well, I guess if you don't have a sword then attacking me would involve touching me and I can remove it anyway? And I'll heal?

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...okay. I will aspire to not make that necessary.

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Okay. If you want to try it you can try it.

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What I want is to figure out whether we should push it to her, but yeah.

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How would that help.

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Enemy couldn't do it. Ergo, she's out.

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But didn't she want it not to be real -

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Yes, but it is real, and she doesn't prefer to believe it's fake given that it's real.

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...okay.

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It might be a terrible idea but the current situation is also kind of terrible and it might be less terrible than that, I'm not sure. You could take it off again if you don't want her to be - madly in love with you, or whatever -

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Her hand didn't un-grow after I took off the healing power, if she winds up in love with me - or someone else, I have no idea how it filters! - then that might stick whether she keeps the effect or not.

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Okay. Well, when she wakes up I will tell her what I know and she can figure out what she wants. It might take her a while but she'll get there.

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Okay.

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Do you actually like anything about her or is it just 'this person is the magically-enforced center of my universe'.

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It's kind of hard to tell when my first impression was 'oh look the magically enforced center of my universe is stabbing people'!

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Okay, fair. 

 

Not that I expect it to come up but could she, like, convince you to stab people for her, or is it not that kind of -

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This is one of the reasons I was scared because it would take some doing but not all that much and she's not even really in control of herself because of the oath and the artifact effect has no fucking clue how to handle things she technically only wants me to do because of the oath if they come up.

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Okay. And all of this is causing you continuous considerable distress or just when you're reminded of it or - when you offered to go away somewhere -

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I can kind of play bits of it off each other and a lot of the time I can get them to balance and think normally on top of that. And not hurting her beats the crap out of wanting to be around her no contest.

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Are there things I can do to make it easier to - get them to balance -

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...like what?

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I don't know, telling you things about her, ensuring you don't end up murdering people for her - what I did earlier was make her calm, we both hate it but sometimes without it she'll just shatter so she's told me to, under certain conditions...

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Knowing things about her is probably helpful. Not murdering people for her would be good. I don't think there's anything that you could say that would keep me from trying to defend her if people were attacking her - and if I were not totally useless at stabbing - but depending on what the oath is like and how much I can blame it for things I could probably ignore other inducements.

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The oath is awful and without it there is no way she'd want anybody stabbing people for her. Well, orcs, but - I could try to show you what she was like before the oath and the torture but it might just make you sad.

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Maybe? I don't know.

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Let's do this first. Here she is.

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"How long do you want to keep it, if you don't say to take it off sooner?"

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"Minute or two? It won't feel like anything if I don't have one, right? But we should figure out the benefit while we're at it."

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"Right. Do you have a way to check opacity without singing?"

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"Uh, I could neglect keeping my thoughts private and ask someone if they can read them, but Rirosseth's the only person I'd feel really comfortable letting do that. If it's not that one it's the ability to give-and-remove, probably, right?"

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"Probably."

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"...if we're pretty sure it's the mental opacity I'll ask someone to try reading my mind, if that's the best way to know."

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"Okay."

Annie holds out her hand.

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She takes it.

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Thing: happens.

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"Oh, Eru." she whispers, and starts crying. 

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"What - what happened - who -"

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"No one, apparently, but the oath is gone."

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"- opacity," Annie guesses.

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"Incredibly powerful - even the Valar can't tamper with oaths - oh, oh, it's over, it's over -"

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"...do you want to keep it or see if it stays gone if I take it off?"

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"...why don't you check if it stays gone - I'd take the tradeoff in a heartbeat but -"

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Nod.

Tap.

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"...nope, still clear.

 

 

That means we can rescue orcs. ...unless the attachment-thing also sticks when the artifact is removed, I suppose, then we still sort of can but it's more complicated - their oaths don't let them do anything to get out of them so we wouldn't have permission -"

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"It'd be easier to decide if we had any clue how it filtered..."

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"Well, it permits at least the incompatibility level 'she's a mass murderer who not only can't handle anyone touching her but also will assume anyone who wants to is a hallucinatory Thauron', so that's not promising. I guess if you decide you would have gotten on with my sister if you'd met her before the oath we could be optimistic that it filters at least a little and just fails to account for oaths and trauma?"

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"Aren't orcs going to have pretty high concentrations of oaths and trauma?"

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"Yes, yes, they are. ...in fact, just a rescued orc bonding to a non-oath-blanked and not-reachable orc would be a sufficient disaster."

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"Yeah."

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"Ugh. I'm just - so tired of killing people and for a second when the oath snapped - 

 

- ugh, telling Rirosseth about this is going to be extremely complicated -"

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"...because I can only transfer by touch?"

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"No, because - the whole narrative she's expecting is 'somehow, circumstances contrive to make it necessary that she pursue a relationship and then it turns out to be with Thauron.' And 'hey, you can make the oath go away you just might have to take this artifact that will make you fall in magic love -'"

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"It might not stick her to anybody. Unless it's reciprocal, which it might be."

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"Yeah. And it's worth it even if it does, it just - do you want her to be magically in love with you, if that is what it does -"

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"I - yeah -" Annie wraps her arms around herself. "If I manage to think of it as neutral otherwise, I don't want it to happen if she wouldn't want it to -"

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"Okay."

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"I mean, nonmagical would be better, but that's not happening."

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"I'm sorry. I can't imagine how traumatic this all is, and how unfair to you on every level -"

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"It is not the best week I have ever had."

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"Do you want a hug?"

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Nod.

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Hug. "Normally when things are really hard for someone I sing for them, but. Um."

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"I mean, I guess you could go off somewhere and I could borrow your ears?"

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"Seems less useful at soothing than hugging you, but maybe we can try it on some later occasion."

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Nod. Sigh.

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"I keep having this impulse to defend my sister to you which is ridiculous because you are apparently in love with her but - I guess it's like - it's not reasons, it's -"

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"- I don't understand."

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"Hmm. Imagine someone was madly in love with you, but it was because they'd dreamed their whole life about someone with your face shape and hair color? It feels - about that arbitrary."

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Nod.

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"I don't know if there's anything I can do about it but it's - yeah."

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"- it was sweet how she taught the kids hand signs when they wouldn't talk."

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Squeeze. "Thanks. Uh. I feel unfair even saying this but I think you being in love with her would hurt her less if it were for actual reasons."

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"I can try but could you have phrased that in literally any other way."

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"Sorry, what's the problem part -"

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"It is just about impossible to think clearly around the possibility of hurting her, you could have said she would rather it or it would have startled her less or it would've been a mitigating factor or - or something - unless the idea is that I should make things up because right now the artifact really wants me to make things up -"

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"Fuck, I'm so sorry. Okay. So, tell the artifact you can't lie to her, lying to her solutions will just fail to work because she'll notice. I'm sorry, I'll be more careful -"

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Shiver. "Okay."

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"She's okay. She's going to be okay. She is better off for having you in her life, there will be ups and downs but this is so much better than just numbly waiting for the end."

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"Okay."

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"And she is a wreck and it is honestly insane to be in love with her and it's fine if it's just a magic thing that definitely would not otherwise be a thing, that's okay, we'll figure it out."

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"You can tell me about what she was like before if that would help -"

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"It might." Sigh. "It's probably worth trying."

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"...I might just wind up crying but possibly productively, so."

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"Crying because that person is dead and totally irretrievable, or -"

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"Yeah - grieving? I guess? It might depend on how much I'm anchored on her-now and not her-over-her-lifetime -"

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Nod. "I - did a lot of grieving. The worst part was when she was still in there and we couldn't rescue her -"

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"My cousin found out. Forty five years in - it's complicated, they hadn't arrived until just then. And she said 'what have you done to rescue her' and I said 'there is absolutely nothing that wouldn't just have been throwing away more lives' and we had the worst fight and she - went off and rescued her, I - I don't know if I could have but maybe it would have been better to die trying - sorry, this isn't what you asked about -"

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"It sounds maybe important anyway."

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"They'd chained her to the face of a cliff and used magic to keep her alive while she just - hung there. She begged my cousin to kill her and then the Valar decided to be helpful and send a means of rescue instead- it's when she lost the hand - and she came back and she put herself together so convincingly you could almost buy it and she - actually, I think I need to back up -"

 

 

The departure from Valinor, the succcession dispute, the ships, the first battle for Beleriand, the no-longer-eliding-the-politics rescue, Rirosseth surrendering the crown she'd wanted her whole life and uniting her people behind that horribly painful choice and taking them all east -

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Annie wrings her hands and intermittently sniffles and listens.

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Dwarves! Oh, she can tell the story of how Rirosseth became best friends with the Queen of the Dwarves and got a magic helmet that made the bearer nigh-indestructible and sent it to aforementioned cousin as a present - "they were lovers but it's kind of a secret and I don't know how the artifact feels about -"

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"...the artifact is pro-monogamy but it's not going to make a fuss if I don't run into the cousin and worst case scenario Rirosseth would have to issue clear preferences about me getting along with the cousin?"

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"And also she's been dead for a century so it's not going to come up except in 'degree I have to talk around it'."

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Nod. "You don't have to talk around it."

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That's about all the happy anecdotes she can manufacture out of the Beleriand years - she can do heroic ones, there was that time this other idiot of a cousin seduced some mortal vassals and then stationed them on the front lines of the war and the Bragollach happened and they got trapped and Rirosseth who'd been indignant about the whole thing to start with singlehandedly rode out and rescued ten thousand people and fed and sheltered them in besieged Himring for a year -

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It was an eventful year, they fought a lot of Balrogs, here's what a Balrog is like, and some dragons - those looked like this - Rirosseth had gotten scary good with her left arm, by then, and orcs would run when they heard she was coming, and it'd been a year of constant living nightmare but they'd come out of it alive - okay, that's all the even vaguely positive Beleriand stuff, it was all downhill from there.

 

Her sister's given name is Nelyafinwë Maitimë, and she hates it, becuase Maitimë means 'beautiful' and Thauron loved calling her that. And the Nelyafinwë - well, here's the story behind that, and here's a tiny Rirosseth explaining to her sister - "it makes people sad, my name, and I'm kind of mad at mom because she could have not given me a name that makes people sad, but I don't think she understands things like that, and it's too late to explain, she can't change my name, so I'd just make her feel guilty by telling her - you don't have to be this careful with most people but you kind of do with mom - anyway, so I just invented all these ways to make sure it almost never comes up, and now you're old enough to understand and you can help me get away with it -"

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...tiny Rirosseth. Tiny socially nimble Rirosseth.

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Rirosseth decided Tirion needed indoor plumbing, and here is how that went! Rirosseth decided the procedures for road maintenance were utter lunacy, and here is how that went! Rirosseth was bored in paradise, though it didn't manifest until she became aware there was anywhere where she was actually needed - Rirosseth decided to try to help the Valar be less incompetent, Rirosseth wanted to leave Valinor as soon as she heard that humans were going to start existing and were going to have a rocky time of it, Rirosseth was so obviously qualified to be Queen but her old-fashioned grandmother wanted her to marry and raise children before taking on such an all-consuming job, because she couldn't do it during and it hadn't occurred to the Queen that she might not be planning to do it at all...

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Annie is probably going to cry about this at some point but at the moment it's just nice -

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She's kind of crying. Also the kids have been out in the courtyard a while, she should probably get them dinner - thank you for listening - 

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Thank you for telling me.

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Children are retrieved and fed and reassured - not that they ask, but they look anxious - that the grownups in their life are all stable and competent and loving. Luckily they can't see through lies as easily as her sister.

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Annie stays put in her room and processes and she does cry some and then she writes some more and then she needs dinner too.

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Dinner is still available!

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It's convenient that way.

And then Annie goes to bed because wow what a day.

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Yeah.

 

 

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She has awful nightmares, wakes up sobbing and screaming and clawing at her mattress - she can't sleep with blankets, too constraining -

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Which Annie can't notice from being holed up underground well out of range, dozing.

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In the morning the calm has worn off entirely and she curls up in a corner and cries until her sister brings her breakfast and then cries again once her sister leaves.

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When Annie ventures out for breakfast she asks Lírnith how Rirosseth is.

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"...I think she wants some space."

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"Okay." Annie can do that. She eats and goes back to her room where she will be out of the way.

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Sorry.

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It's okay, whatever she needs is okay. Thank you.

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She brings her sister meals. She tells the girls that Rirosseth isn't feeling very well. It's not a lie. Rirosseth barely moves. 

 

...but she has a knife, and doesn't have it out, so there's that.

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Annie frets but confines herself to asking Lírnith how she's doing no more than once sometimes twice a day even when the answer gets repetitive. She teaches the kids sign language and she reads books.

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One of the girls tells Annie, once when no one else is around, that her name is Eliel.

 

And signs a question: why hasn't anybody rescued us?

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Annie doesn't know, and says so.

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But they haven't tried and secretly been killed?

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Annie doesn't think so.

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Annie gets a smile.

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She can tell the difference between smiling and not smiling! She has that much practice now! She smiles back.

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And after a few weeks she comes downstairs normally - a bit thinner, but not frighteningly so, and apologizes for being sick and almost-hugs her sister.

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Annie gives her room. It counts as giving her room if she's a hundred yards away, right?

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Yes. That works fine. Annie can stay a hundred yards away except when Rirosseth wants to hear her sister sing and Annie has to go farther, or when eventually she asks Lírnith - have her come see me -

 

- you can't tell her that you're in horrible pain and will be miserable for the rest of forever. You just can't, she can't think around it. If you understand that -

 

- I haven't lost my capacity to parse words.

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She wants to talk to you. 

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Really?

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...well, she asked to talk to you?

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...close enough. Okay.

And Annie goes and finds her.

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"Hi, Annie. I apologize for freaking out at you."

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"I'm sorry I upset you," Annie murmurs.

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"Sounds like it was really, really not your fault."

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Well that's kind of inarguable. Annie shuffles her feet a little bit.

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"Are you doing okay? What do you need?"

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"I-I'm holding up, you don't need to worry about me."

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"And in that spirit I completely ignored you until I was capable of worrying about you without it harming me."

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"...okay. But I think I have a stable equilibrium going. Psychologically I mean, in the long term I suppose I need the evil god dead and stuff."

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"Do you have a plan to accomplish that?"

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"No, not really. I could maybe send her to another universe but then another universe would have her in it."

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"They might be better equipped to handle him - then again, they might just have more people - would your world have stood a chance -"

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"It... depends on some details of how she works and whether artifact stuff would actually work on her. And whether we could solve some coordination problems. And there's billions of people."

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"And she might be able to get artifact things to work for her - we could send for help. Send everybody out, hope somebody lands in a universe that could handle her and that has the means to get back..."

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"That could work."

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"If we still had an army of half a million I would be outright optimistic it'd work eventually."

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"If there's that many different worlds and they all have magic, maybe, yeah."

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"Magic or just lots of inventions."

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"If non-magic can do it at all, I guess maybe it could."

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"Or, like, one world has a way to travel between dimensions but not natively anything else - and they'd have to be helpful, I guess lots of worlds might hear about a lost war against an evil god in a neighboring dimension and go 'well, that's terrible -"

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"Probably. But you might not need many of the people there to be helpful, just a handful."

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"I will ask people if they're willing to try."

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Nod.

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"I was expecting there to be a contrived reason why I specifically needed to - and for the love one to come into it - no -"

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Headshake. "That one's just there, doesn't enter into the strategic considerations at all, I'm handling it."

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"I'm sorry."

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"It's not your fault."

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"I've never found that very - relevant - to whether I want to fix things but this one I really really don't think I can fix."

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Nod. "I'm not expecting you to."

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"What's it - like -"

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"Are you sure you want me to describe it."

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"Even if it happens to pattern-match perfectly to the thing I'm expecting it to, that won't be worse than just expecting it anyway."

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"- if the thing you're expecting is that it be specifically a sex thing it really isn't, I mean, it was but then I found out you got flashbacks when people touch you and now it's not."

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"That's convenient. And - the thing I am expecting is that some reason will come up where it'll win the war or something if I can only - and I can - or was able to the last times, I don't know, I'm probably getting worse -"

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"I can't think of a way that would happen."

Permalink Mark Unread

"Okay."

Permalink Mark Unread

"Is that all you wanted to know?"

Permalink Mark Unread

"When did it happen?"

Permalink Mark Unread

"Right when you got in the sharper sphere of my weird sense."

Permalink Mark Unread

"Fantastic. Am I going to make it worse if I'm sometimes up for interacting and sometimes not, compared to if we just - avoid each other all the time -"

Permalink Mark Unread

"Sometimes is fine."

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"'Fine'?"

Permalink Mark Unread

"...and better than nothing? It's - sort of hard to map regular words onto things that are about how my brain reacts to you-related stuff..."

Permalink Mark Unread

"That sounds kind of horrible, is it kind of horrible?"

Permalink Mark Unread

"...it is very intense? It is not uniformly horrible."

Permalink Mark Unread

"What would you-before-it-happened want people to do for you-once-it-happened -"

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"...I'm stuck like this, there's no removing actual artifact effects the way I can remove ones I give out. I don't think I would have wanted to stand very much on any particular principles that would feel inconvenient after the fact, given that. Pre-Van-Accident-Annie isn't going to turn up and wonder what I've been doing with her stuff."

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"The Valar - object to people being gay, among other things. They'll correct it for you if they find out. I - thought a lot about what I preferred if that happened to me and it wasn't 'go forth and be straight.' But. If you don't want to search universes for a way, using our admittedly kind of terrible mechanism to do that, and you don't think you would have wanted that..."

Permalink Mark Unread

"If a way to undo it comes up I'll take it but that's actually only because it bothers you."

Permalink Mark Unread

"You don't - prefer not to be in love with a mass murderer who can't handle being touched and thinks you're a malicious hallucination even independent of whether I like it?"

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"I don't know what removing it would look like. I don't know what it would do to me, I don't know if I'd be able to contextualize my memories or recalibrate my emotional intensity scale into something useful or ever fall in love again or - maybe I'd do it even if leaving it didn't bother you if I knew exactly what would happen and it was all okay, but I really don't like mind control and adding more of it solves a different problem from the one I actually have."

Permalink Mark Unread

"...fair enough - recalibrate your emotional intensity scale? So, everything's just much stronger -"

Permalink Mark Unread

"Not everything, but some things and I've gotten surprisingly good at shuffling around which things."

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"How does it interact with - presumably you'd be horrified by us if it wasn't in place making you like me -"

Permalink Mark Unread

"Well, it doesn't make me like Lírnith and I do anyway."

Permalink Mark Unread

"That's actually quite helpful, thank you."

Permalink Mark Unread

"You're welcome."

Permalink Mark Unread

"If we could do something about the evil god, what does a good outcome look like for you? How can you be happy?"

Permalink Mark Unread

"...that's not something I can answer independently of knowing what you want."

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"Um. Pretending that the evil god dies and everything, I would move our people south and - take a couple centuries to put myself back together and then go figure out what we could do to help humans build stable states? They have much more trouble with it than Elves do, because their leaders keep dying and half the time there's a horrible war when they do. You're - you're going to die even without Melkor helping..."

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"...yeah, humans die. Democracies tend not to have succession wars, you could try that."

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"I can try suggesting it. ...the point is that, if, this were permanent, and the evil god was dead, then - I would definitely benefit from having someone around who can - be a check on me and think of things I wouldn't and expect better of me and so on, it wouldn't - involve touching - but it would be close to the way I can imagine having a relationship in the future - but I'm just not going to be ready in time -"

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"It's kind of unlikely that my healing factor is anywhere near good enough to make me immortal. There are actually artifacts that do it but they've all got awful drawbacks, way worse than the music allergy, I think even worse than Elves react to the idea of the music allergy."

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"And you could've gotten some unknown artifact that does it with some unnoticeable drawback but we're Doomed so how likely is that, really. Anyway - I don't have a picture of what I'd want from the next century if the evil god went away. I wouldn't mind spending it with you, but it wouldn't be -"

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"It wouldn't have to be."

Permalink Mark Unread

"Well then, lovely, let's just defeat the evil god I couldn't even scratch with an army of five hundred thousand and then we can be happy until you die."

Permalink Mark Unread

"...sounds nice."

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"I am sorry."

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"You didn't put the evil god there."

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"No, I did not. I tried - we tried - Lírnith said she told you why we came in the first place -"

Permalink Mark Unread

"I've gotten a pretty comprehensive history between her and the books, yeah."

Permalink Mark Unread

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"The oath part doesn't make much sense to me but everything else does."

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"If I tried convincing my sisters not to my mother was going to die of grief and I didn't think we could win it without her. Might even have been right about that, but - she died anyway. If I didn't try convincing them and just refused myself, then I'd lose any power to steer - and that, too, ended up not mattering, because I still couldn't deter her from burning the boats and then was too insane to try to rule."

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"- why would she have died without it -?"

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"Elves die of grief. My mother - was a very broken person who under the right conditions could do some good things anyway, and one of her things was an absolute terror of everyone abandoning and forgetting her, and the Queen'd just been assassinated and the library burned, all her notes, all her work, and she was dying of grief and we were - sort of delaying it, by being there for her, but not really more than delaying it, and then the oath - well, we sold her our souls, she didn't have to worry we would abandon her now - she pulled through it -"

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"Oh."

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"I knew at the time it would be personally disastrous, I just had no idea how many other people I could hurt..."

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"I probably wouldn't have guessed people would be quite that stupid about the Silmarils either."

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"It was stupid even without the benefit of hindsight but - yes, it was all so avoidable -"

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There really aren't any non-touching things that fill the gap of comforting hugs so Annie draws quite a blank but she nods slowly.

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There really aren't any hugs that hug away hundreds of thousands of people dying, either. She shakes her head. "Does the magic - not let you be mad at me -"

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"I'm - not really sure. It let me be scared of you, I was for a while, but that might be different."

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"I don't want you to be scared of me."

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"I'm not any more."

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"I treated you pretty badly. I try really hard not to act any differently towards people than I would if I thought they were real but - if I'd thought you were real I wouldn't have just dragged you along with no explanation -"

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"...I mean, if I'd had to try to decide whether to go with you or not that would have actually been horrible under the circumstances so I don't mind, considering."

Permalink Mark Unread

"...didn't think of that. Does that - generalize, if there are other things where your drawback won't let you think straight, or now that you have more information can you do more steering -"

Permalink Mark Unread

"Having more information and not being in a total panic helps a lot. Uh, I probably wouldn't be able to do anything like intelligent prioritization if it seemed like you were in danger or something?"

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"I'll keep that in mind. It's a good thing your abilities are touch-range -"

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"Is it?"

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"I mean, I don't think it can possibly come up again but if someone gets another Silmaril the oath'd - eventually erode 'not wanting to ask you to blind the whole city for me' just as much as it'd erode 'not wanting to kill people' and as it stands there is not much you can do to protect me from fights and that's probably good."

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"I'm not sure blinding the whole city would even contribute much because that does come with the weird sense. I guess you could shoot at them from out of range or something. Why can't it come up again?"

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"The other two Silmarils are still in Angband and the circumstances that made it possible to steal one are unlikely to arise again, and there aren't even any major civilizations left the Enemy could hand one to for the entertainment value of watching us fight."

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"Oh."

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"Were you imagining it was something nicer than that?"

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"I was sort of hoping for something more airtight than 'unlikely to arise again'."

Permalink Mark Unread

"I'd love that, but - no."

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Sigh.

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"Could always just - throw ourselves at the Enemy and hope we die - but it could in fact be worse than that -"

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...shivery unhappy Annie.

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"Are you going to be - not okay, if I die -"

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"...well, you keep existing if you die, sort of, right, I might be able to hold together off that?"

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"Yes. I do."

Permalink Mark Unread

"...so I guess I'd try to function well enough to, I don't know, go try and persuade Mandos to be better at her job or something."

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"...that would be excellent."

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"I don't know that I'm very persuasive though."

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"And she's a tough nut to crack, I tried for a very long time. Does it help if I have a preference that you be okay if I die?"

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"...I don't think so, or if it can it requires more sophisticated nudging my thoughts around than I've learned to do yet."

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Nod. 

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"I mean, I guess it is pleasanter than you not caring if I'm okay or not, it just doesn't seem to actually produce an expectation that I could successfully be okay."

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Nod. At least it wouldn't be for very long, she doesn't say. "If there are things I can reassure you of that do help in that way, please tell me about them."

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"Thank you."

Permalink Mark Unread

"Is there anything else?"

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"I don't think so."

Permalink Mark Unread

"Thank you."

Permalink Mark Unread

"What for?"

Permalink Mark Unread

"Explaining to me what's going on in your head? Not forcibly overwriting mine, which I take it you could do if you wanted?"

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"I couldn't, not really - even if it were known to work like that -"

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"I'm glad."

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"Anyway you're welcome." And this seeming to have been a dismissal she gets up.

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She shivers a little and stares at the ground.

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...and Annie can't hug her so she goes.

Permalink Mark Unread

...everything okay?

Permalink Mark Unread

I think so. Or like, as okay as seems reasonable to expect. Are you going to tell her about the oath thing soon, I didn't bring it up, I don't know how.

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Yeah, me neither, because it fits the thing she's so scared of - I might wait until it looks like someone's got a Silmaril again, unless there's reason to think that won't happen in your lifetime -

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She seems to think it's unlikely.

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I'd think so too but we are doomed.

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You aren't doomed very quickly and I'm a human and probably not immortal.

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Well, at some point in your life we'll have to raise it with her - uh, if it does reciprocals and can't come off how horrible is it going to be to be her for the rest of eternity once you've died?

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...bad.

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So maybe that's not such a good solution. ...we could just sit on her. Oaths don't pull you if there's nothing you can do about them.

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...if that were doable why hasn't anyone done it before?

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Well, we were also oathed, and being sat on would be horribly traumatic for her and possibly kill her but that's still maybe better than putting her in magic eternal love with someone who's going to be gone-forever-dead or letting her kill other people.

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But it was just your family who was oathed. Why hasn't anybody else stopped you before?

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Some people tried at Sirion. But - some people wanted us to get the Silmarils back, because then we could have a shot at Melkor again. And - they fought with us for five hundred years, they'd find betraying us really really hard even if they thought it was the right thing to do - could you stab her, even to save her from herself -

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No but I'm magicked.

Permalink Mark Unread

I think enough centuries of someone repeatedly sacrificing their wellbeing and happiness for your sake and caring about you and making you feel loved and valued does - something similar, for a lot of people. 

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Oh.

Permalink Mark Unread

Shouldn't, but does. She was - magical, back when she was in one piece. 

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I believe it.

Permalink Mark Unread

Anyway. Let's not tell her just yet.

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Okay.

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The girls get fluent with sign language. They ask Annie more questions. They sometimes warily ask the Elves questions. Rirosseth gives off every impression of being an ordinary centuries-old warlord in a dying world who is not insane or oathed at all. She sometimes tries to smile at Annie but she's not very convincing.

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She doesn't have to be all that convincing to "look" like she's really smiling, to Annie, but Annie is not especially easily fooled about intent.

The fact that there exists intent-to-make-Annie-experience-being-smiled-at is still something though.

Annie shows up when Rirosseth makes it known that she can be nearby and otherwise gives her about a hundred yards' berth and she looks after the kids.

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Who eventually ask her - "why are you here?"

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"I had a magical accident. It did a bunch of things and one of them was send me to this world. I don't have anywhere in particular in the world I want to be that isn't here, so I'm here."

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Nods. "Do you like it here?"

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"I miss a lot of things about my world but I can't send myself back."

Permalink Mark Unread

"Oh. 

 

 

What things do you miss?"

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"Well, my world doesn't have an Enemy, so that's nice. And it has better technology than here by a whole lot. And I miss some people."

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"I miss Sirion. It was nicer than here."

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"I wasn't there long enough to know what was nice about it."

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"There were a lot more people and they were less - despairing. They kept thinking they might find Valinor in time."

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"Find it?"

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"When the Valar got mad at grandpappa and his family they surrounded Valinor with enchanted islands so no one can reach it with boats. Everyone's been trying since before Mother was born - that's how grandpappa and grandmamma met - to get past the enchanted islands and beg the Valar for help."

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"Sounds like the Valar made that really hard, which might mean they won't help even if somebody asked."

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"Oh."

 

"Well," Eliel says, "people thought they might so people were happier than here."

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"It is pretty somber around here."

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"Because everybody's going to die. And we're half-Elves so no one even knows what happens when we do."

Permalink Mark Unread

"That sounds especially scary."

Permalink Mark Unread

Nod. 

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"Where I'm from everybody's a human, and people have managed to have all different ideas about what happens to us but most of them are pretty silly."

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"I'd like being a human," Elian says. "They're happier and busier than Elves."

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"All of the Elves? I haven't met very many but I didn't think they were all always this solemn."

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"It's because there aren't any new Elves," Eliel says. "They're all older than the war, and sad."

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"They mentioned they don't have kids when there's a war."

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Nods. "People were mad when our parents did."

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"They wanted you to be born in a safer time."

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"But now Dad's dead so we just wouldn't have been born at all."

Permalink Mark Unread

"Yeah. Most people who could be born are never born."

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"I'm glad we were, though, I like being alive - at first I thought they were going to kill us if we slipped up and said something wrong, or bored them, or cried too much -"

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"They brought you here because they didn't think you'd be safe if they just left you, and they want you to be safe. They're very scary but that's not because they want to be scary, it's because Elves have oaths and oaths are a problem."

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Nods. "No one knows if half-Elves have oaths but grandpoppa said just never ever swear any no matter what."

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"That is a pretty good policy."

Permalink Mark Unread

Nod nod.

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She comes in. They go quiet. She smiles at them. "I knew your grandpoppa when he was very very little, he was my cousin's son. He is very right about oaths."

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Huh. Annie had no idea they were related.

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"Then why'd you -"


(Eliel elbows her sister.)

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"That's a very good question. I was wrong, and scared, and made a very bad choice."

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"And now you're stuck forever?"

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"Yeah."

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...twitch.

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And after the girls run off to the courtyard to try to catch leaves falling off the trees before they hit the ground, which Rirosseth says is good luck in Valinor and probably not here but it's still fun - 

- "you okay?"

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"I'm okay."

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"I'm not really stuck forever, in Mandos you can't act on oaths so they don't bother you."

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"I guess that's one good thing about it then."

Permalink Mark Unread

"Yeah. Dead orcs are all - stuck forever - but they aren't currently suffering, except psychologically."

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aaaaaaaaaaah

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"I'm upsetting you."

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"It's not you, it really isn't."

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"Okay." She goes outside to commend their leaf-catching, and eventually join them, giggling. 

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That is so hopelessly adorable. Annie can't really catch leaves unless they happen to land directly on her but she can sit here and hopelessly adore Rirosseth.

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There's a long winter. Everyone except Annie settles in around warm fires roasting nuts and telling the children lessons in the form of stories. Chemistry and math and metalworking and music and magic songs when Annie's far enough away.

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Annie remembers, uh, maybe three fifths of high school chem and less of high school math, but from a much more advanced world! ...The math is not actually that much of an improvement, although comparing notations is diverting.

Annie makes snow angels and is almost not too hot.

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She gives it six months of solid consideration before she says "I managed to work out circumstances that made hugs tolerable, if it would improve your life if we could do that."

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"Um? What are the - how does it make them -"

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"The main thing is that you need to not move at all and I need to have complete enough freedom of movement and - and you need to do exactly what I say, which I feel sort of coercive even mentioning given love magic, but that's - what makes it feel like I'm sufficiently choosing things -"

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"And tolerable definitely actually means that and not, not something I would actually think was awful that you're rounding up to tolerable."

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"No. It's scary but sort of satisfying. If I thought this were real I would definitely want to be able to do that."

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"I can hold still and do what you tell me to do."

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"Okay. My room?"

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Nod nod nod.

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Here is a very-austere-by-Quendi-standards room. Here is Rirosseth wearing four extra layers.  "Lie down -"

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Annie does that.

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And if Annie can be very very still then she can lie down next to her and lean in very very carefully and breathe very deliberately.

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Annie can be so still.

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Okay. Okay. 

 

 

She is scared but it is tolerable-really-actually, she doesn't want to die even a fraction more than usual.

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There is a limit to how imaginative Annie can get while remaining firmly in the reality where Rirosseth doesn't actually want to touch her, and holding perfectly still without squirming at all, and being ready to do anything Rirosseth tells her to do at once, but it is not zero imaginative.

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And she asks her to move, a little bit at a time, until here is a view and a posture and a facial expression that doesn't give her any flashbacks - of course, next hallucination there will be even fewer things that qualify - and then she holds her quietly and firmly denies herself permission to cry. 

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Annie is absolutely perfectly compliant, although the facial expression part is slightly difficult.

Permalink Mark Unread

Once upon a time that actually would have been terribly appealing in its own right. She holds her for an hour and then says thank you and goes off to have a panic attack somewhere it won't scare Annie.

Permalink Mark Unread

You're welcome.

Annie does not know about the panic attack so she just goes off to write and sigh dreamily instead.

Permalink Mark Unread

Good. 

 

 

They talk about how to make it known but definitely not known to the Enemy that they can teleport people to probably-random other dimensions. They cannot think of a good way to risk it. They can teleport orcs, maybe, though not in any real expectation it will help, and when the Enemy does come everyone present here will line up for it as better than death. Using it to try to get help - they need more information, they have no way of getting it...

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Annie doesn't have any sudden epiphanies. She does think that if somebody's going to be flung into another dimension then even if they're an Elf they might want the language thing. Whatever drawback goes with it is at least not conspicuous to her, so it's probably safe to try and see if Elves can notice it more easily or something?

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So they try pushing the language thing.

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Faceblindness! Well, that explains why Annie wouldn't have worked it out, she's been looking in brief flashes at The Center Of The Universe and a pair of legitimately identical twins and nobody else.

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Rirosseth thinks that one sounds horrifying but no one else is terribly bothered by it. They will send ten people to random worlds in the hopes they can get help somehow.

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Annie wishes them all luck and sends them off, shaking a little.

Permalink Mark Unread

Hug?

Permalink Mark Unread

Yes please.

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Elves're pretty tough, you landed in a population center, they might be okay. Did that one go with the ability to push it to other people?

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I'm assuming so, but I'd be surprised if it actually chains like that.

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Yeah, that'd be convenient, that never happens. Squeeze.

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Hugs are good.

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They were not really expecting the ten people to land on some civilization with straightforward interworld travel and come back at once with an army at their heels, but there's an air of anticipation for most of the next while anyway.

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No such luck.

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Of course not. About once a month she is up for an hour of very constrained cuddling. The twins want to learn to swordfight and after some consultation Rirosseth and Lírnith agree, and get to making them wooden ones.

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Annie cannot be of help with those lessons.

Permalink Mark Unread

Yes, it seems on the whole better if Annie doesn't pick up swordfighting, humans are unfairly disadvantaged against Elves and also it is unlikely anything good would come of it. She's as safe here as anywhere.

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Well, that and she can barely walk a level surface and adding sharp objects won't improve that.

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The girls take to it. Rirosseth is encouraging and patient and can't tell them if they're any good for being seven because when she was seven she was tiny, see, and also swords were not allowed or spoken of, not in Valinor. 

 

"What was Valinor like?"

"Not - good, but better than this."

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"Swords weren't even spoken of?"

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"There was no violence in Valinor. People who remembered it - mostly didn't talk about it, didn't want to have dragged all that baggage across the sea - I knew people who'd been slaves of the Enemy and they never mentioned anything about it..."

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"Oh."

Permalink Mark Unread

"Not that I blame them. But - it meant we didn't have any real understanding of how badly things could go, no one had ever hurt another person on purpose..."

Permalink Mark Unread

"And then you came over here and it was suddenly a war -"

Permalink Mark Unread

"Yeah. And a - horrible war. Orcs aren't - I don't think they're even bad, deep down, but if the Enemy thought we'd hesitate to kill them he could flood us with millions..."

Permalink Mark Unread

Nod.

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"We were so naive - I was so naive -"

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Annie doesn't really know what to say to that. She has been adopting a policy of saying "I love you" exactly zero of the times it occurs to her to do that.

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"Sorry."

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"You don't have to apologize."

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"I might in fact be the person with the most to apologize for in all of written history, if the Enemy doesn't count."

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"...well, you don't have to apologize to me."

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"Okay." 

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I love you I love you I love you -

silence.

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The girls take to sword-fighting. Not surprisingly. They're part Maia, they're strong. They do not stab their tutors, not that their tutors were really afraid of that. 

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Annie reads. She's gotten through a sizable chunk of the library by now. She writes - she has no shortage of feelings to process no matter how much she writes. She soaks up all the snuggles she is allowed. She can't really do anything very useful because Elves sing all the time and she is less useful to Elves than singing is, so it would be counterproductive for her to try to learn to use the local kitchen equipment or whatever. She kills time.

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And at some point she says "maybe we head way southeast to one of the remaining Dwarven kingdoms, if we can convince them to let in the girls..."

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"There's remaining Dwarven kingdoms? I thought we were out of civilizations for Silmarils to be hypothetically dropped on."

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"Dwarves aren't stupid - and also we wouldn't stand a chance, we might even not-stand-a-chance enough we didn't have to try...."

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"There's a lot of them or something?"

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"Tumunzahar had a population of a few hundred thousand, but also, they're in the mountains with one entrance that's enchanted to be very very hard to force. They can if necessary just seal themselves down there for a century or so."

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"...what do they eat?"

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"These scorpion-things, lichen, they have magic lighting and can grow some plants - they don't normally seal themselves in, mind, in peacetime they trade for food, but at need they could hold out a long time and if the ones elsewhere are anything like the ones in Tumunzahar were they will have anticipated they might need to."

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"Okay."

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"Don't know if they'd let us in but it might be better than waiting here, and you could offer to pay our way with the healing..."

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"Sure."

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"In the spring, maybe."

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"What's nicer about it there...?"

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"There'd be kids around for the girls, there'd be more people around in general, they have some basis for hope they'll survive the end of the world - Dwarves're immune to all mind-affecting magic, so the Enemy finds them kind of boring -"

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"Sounds good."

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"The problem is that the Enemy doesn't find us boring so we might be a target, I don't know how much they'll want -"

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"...as hazard pay for taking us in? Uh, healing's usefully transferable, languages are too if the immunity to mind magic doesn't hedge it out... maybe whatever goes with being too hot is useful if we figure out what it is..."

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"Yeah, we can at least check whether it transfers like that and make a bid. I think the languages thing will be really popular."

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"It's pretty handy. I guess if I didn't have it osanwë would have done, since the opacity lets it through."

Permalink Mark Unread

"Dwarf opacity doesn't, it caused a disaster back when they first encountered some Beleriand-native Elves. Well. To the extent one feels comfortable blaming that on the opacity instead of the Thindar."

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"What happened?"

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"They decided they weren't people. And they hunted them for sport."

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"You asked why no one stopped us when we went to Doriath? Well, part of it was the reasons we gave you, but also part of it was that everyone hated them."

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"Poor Dwarves."

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"Even after that'd happened the Dwarves had a population in Menegroth, making weapons for them, because defeating the Enemy was important, and then they asked for payment and the Queen said the next disgusting cripple to demand money from her was getting thrown to the orcs and someone stabbed her and the Thindar retaliated by killing every single Dwarf in Menegroth, there were two survivors -"

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"Oh my god!"

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"My sister married a Dwarf, her spouse, her children -"

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"- were in Menegroth?"

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"No, actually, it got worse from there, the two survivors didn't know they were the only survivors, just that they were the only ones who'd gotten out, and they went home, and Tumunzahar mobilized and marched out to Doriath to demand an accounting of what had happened, and of course were fired upon, and stormed the whole city looking for any other survivors and there weren't any and then they turned around and went home and the Thindar ambushed them crossing a river, and were more careful that time, no one escaped -"

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"Oh no -"

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"It didn't make it right to go after them when they started waving a Silmaril around a year later but it did make our people terribly disinclined to stop us-"

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Nod.

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"Anyway. Dwarves're very - what they'll do if we show up is ask some representative group of people how much money they'd want to be indifferent about having us there and then they'll let us know how much they'd want and then we can stay if we can manage it."

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"...I don't think I've noticed any money in use around here."

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"When we had kingdoms we used it, though mostly not internally - Valinor didn't have material scarcity, we never really got around to developing an economy - but anyway, 'healing' and 'translation' are things we can pay in -"

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"And they'll have an idea of how to price it?"

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"Yeah, they're really good at that, there'll be a couple days of internal bidding and then we'll get offers to handle various shares of the logistics for us."

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"That sounds nice. Less - wheel-spinning - than sitting around all day, if there's people I could be healing -"

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"Yeah. And the kids have picked up on - the feeling that we're just waiting here to die -"

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"Yeah."

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"So. Spring."

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Nod.

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Planning the travel is good for her; she is visibly more relaxed, she has marginally fewer nightmares. The girls perk up immensely at the promise of a trip.

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That's good on both counts.

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And in the spring they leave. ...Annie still can't ride a horse. Rirosseth would prefer her sister hold Annie, if that's all right for everyone.

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That's fine.

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It's a month of travel. There are orcs, sometimes, but in manageable numbers, and dispatched very efficiently out of view of the children. There are fewer orcs as they head farther south. 

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Annie is sad about the orcs but it would be so bad if one wound up in love with one they couldn't go catch -

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Yep. And they can't even teleport them, they might have contingency orders to cause havoc.

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...well, at least the total unfeasibility of deoathing the orcs mean that Lírnith's expertise on what's good to tell her sister about can continue to be abided by without any competing considerations?

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Yay. 

 

Eventually they find a paved stone road. "Now, inconveniently, the thing to do is ride back and forth until they decide whether to send anyone to say hello."

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"The riding back and forth part is important?"

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"We want to make sure they've seen us. Once they have we can settle in somewhere and wait."

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"Okay."

Healing factor means not being really sore from all this sitting on a horse.

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That's good. They make sure they have been seen and then settle down and efficiently and quietly make a camp. The one problem with living like this is is that everyone is in human-earshot range all the time.

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And while putting Annie in a soundproof room works putting earplugs in her ears does not. She is okay with people trying singing while she's asleep in case it doesn't wake her?

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They try that.

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nope she wakes up please stop

she is very sorry about that

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It's okay. (She goes away outside human hearing range and sings. All Elves need to sing but she in particular will go crazy really fast without music.)

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Annie is very apologetic. Hopefully the Dwarves will send somebody out soon.

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They do! Dwarves are short and bearded and armored and the Elves welcome them and find that this set doesn't speak any Thindarin but does speak a trading language with which Rirosseth has passing familiarity.

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Annie can translate too. And hand that out if it's convenient.

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Dwarves can't get the languages one. 

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...well there goes some of their trade goods. Uh, do they want to try the healing one?

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Dwarves can get the healing one. And they know some humans who'd want the languages one.

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Okay good.

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And they'd be happy to get an estimate of how much hazard pay people would want for hosting a contingent of Elves and part-Elves and a human, but it'll probably be pretty high, given the reputation for mass murder?

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"Understood."

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Do they happen to have a guess of whether it is likely too high for Annie to cover by poking people.

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Probably. 

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Annie's world has also gotten pretty far with technology?

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They are interested in hearing about that.

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Well, she doesn't know how to make any of it. Except bicycles, she could explain bicycles. But she can vaguely describe planes and phones and electricity and stuff.

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There are people who might be able to turn vague descriptions of stuff into stuff. The Dwarves go off to get an estimate.

 


The Dwarves come back a few days later with bids for healing and transfer-of-healing-powers and translations if she's willing to scribe translations and descriptions of planes and phones and electricity and stuff and a couple people heard about Tumunzahar and are happy to loan the Elves the difference.

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Annie will poke people and write things and describe stuff all day every day if that will help.

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It will definitely help. The Elves all swear that they are not servants of the Enemy. The twins refuse to swear anything and the Dwarves commend their good sense (they would still relax somewhat to hear it from everybody with less strongly-held principles, though) and then they are shown to a door in the rock that only becomes apparent at all when it opens.

 

Khazad-Dûm is astonishing, some parts like adjoining oversized cathedrals and some parts like dense vertical cities. It's dark, which does not affect anyone present. They can rent some rooms for an amount of money that is negligible compared to the hazard pay from being favored targets of the evil god and also mass murderers. The city is lively. The twins are fascinated.

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Annie likes it here.

Can she be roomed out of earshot of Elves conveniently?

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She can! Dwarves sing too sometimes (a lot less often, though) but she can find a very well insulated room that is not right adjacent to Elves. 

 

And Dwarves make appointments to quiz her about things from her world: electricity, what materials are used, what does she know about how it works, what can it be used to do...

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Which questions she will answer as best she can. Electrons are a thing. Conductivity varies between materials and she thinks at home copper is the usual sweet spot between available and conductive but that gold is technically better maybe. Magnets are involved and... spinning them? She thinks spinning them. It is the same thing as static electricity like if you shuffle on a carpet but that can't be usefully captured that she knows of. Batteries involve... acid? and various kinds of metal? and positive and negative terminals? It does lightbulbs and kitchen appliances and industrial motors and heating and things.

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This is more than enough to go off. A week later someone is gleeful about having successfully generated a current through a wire; a few weeks after that there are contracts piling up at her door for license to do various things with electricity. 

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...she gets licensing privileges over the entire concept of electricity? Really?

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...yes, of course, she came up with it. The automatic licensing fees decline gradually over time and to nothing after fifteen years but coming up with stuff is really important, it should make people rich.

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...they know she didn't invent it, right, she just remembers it from home.

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This does not have any effect on how much electricity improves peoples' lives and it seems strange to try to think of incentives specifically for interworld travellers because it doesn't come up much so they're going to just use their standard framework. Unless she's saying that electricity was licensed by someone else back home?

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Nope, at home everybody has the basic concepts she's able to relay, she doesn't have nearly enough information to give them anything that's covered by IP law from her world. She stops arguing about whether she invented electricity.

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They have a in-that-case-hypothetical debate about how to respect IP law from other worlds and amend all of their own IP law to say that any world whose IP law contains a similar reciprocity clause to this one will be respected by Khazad-dûm if interworld exchange is in fact possible and held in trust in case it becomes possible. 

 

They get lightbulbs working. They string them up everywhere, it's a new fad. 

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Annie can't see the lightbulbs but they amuse her anyway. Uh, internal combustion? Germ theory? The concept of plastic, which she is pretty sure is refined from petroleum... somehow...?

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She has an audience eager to figure it out from whatever crumbs she remembers. Rirosseth beams at her the next time they see each other.

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Ee!

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"I should have thought of coming here sooner! How are you doing?"

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"I like it here. Dwarves are great."

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"Aren't they? I very much regret that my mother never got to meet them, I feel like a version of my mother who'd grown up around Dwarves would be downright functional."

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"Would have dovetailed well with the culture?"

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"Tirion rather - idealized and pedestalized and demanded performance of - its inventors. Dwarves just go 'oh you can tell how much value you created from how much is in your bank accounts and these statistics on what share of value the creator ends up capturing, look, there it is'."

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"And that would've helped?"

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"Tremendously. One of my younger sisters was a lot like our mother and the Dwarves were the best thing that ever happened to her."

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"On my world economies are more like Dwarf economies than like Elf ones but we sort of insulate ourselves from it a lot. I think I like having it all be clear."

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"I like how enthusiastic they are about - it being good, to make something valuable and make money off it. And how they treat all tradeoffs as financial, even if the price to let Melkor live in their city would be 'more than the total production of the whole world in all of history' - lets you reason about policy..."

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"Reason about policy?"

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"They don't really have a government? Tumunzahar had a ruling council and Gabilgathol - the other Dwarven kingdom in Beleriand - had a Queen but they had really restricted decisionmaking ability. An Elven fiefdom would have people decide who they want to let immigrate, they do that all with their financial calculations. It kind of complicates going to war with them but I can respect it as a great way to run a society not literally at war with an evil god."

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"Immigration and war and stuff is not bought and paid for like that on my world at all. It's - navigable, it's got that to recommend it."

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"I liked the 'having absolute power' way but Dwarves make do, too - how did they do it in your home -"

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"Noregr has a monarchy but it's been shedding actual power for a long time and is almost totally symbolic now. Political decisions like immigration quotas and declarations of war are handled by a democratically elected bunch of representatives."

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"Does that work?"

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"Mostly? I mean, there are complaints, but I'd expect complaints about most possible systems. Noregr's been peaceful and decent to live in since before I was born."

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"That's good. I'm sorry this happened to you, I'm sorry you can't go back -"

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"It's not your fault. The driver should have been more careful and the artifacts should have been more wrapped up."

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"Yep, but. It sounds like a nice place and I'm sorry you got - this, instead."

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"Yeah. But if the van had to hit somebody I'm probably taking it all better than a lot of people would've."

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"Definitely. You've handled it all amazingly well and I imagine we don't even have the half of it - I wish I'd known what was going on so I could have been - more reassuring at the very beginning -"

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"...I'm not actually sure that you trying to reassure me right then wouldn't have been paradoxically extra terrifying?"

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"My sister very gently pointed out a while later that I did not even explain why I abducted you."

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"I did sort of figure it was because I was strange and possibly powerful."

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"I am glad that to the extent it worked out it - did."

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"Me too."

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"I can spare a little more - sanity, here - are you in fact getting what you need -"

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"I've been comfortable here, please don't overextend yourself for me."

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"If you say so."

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Nod.

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She sings - out of human hearing range, of course - and composes and tells the girls stories and supervises their lessons. The girls are significantly happier here. They don't stop talking when the Elves come in the room. They show the Elves their projects and grow tall and are marvelled at by Dwarves.

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Annie doesn't have a lot of spare time to help out with the girls because she is earning everybody's keep but sometimes she's got a little while to spare and spares it.

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Everybody is in fact terribly grateful for that. 

 

The Elves settle in. They're a quiet and melancholy lot and the remembrance of other Dwarven kingdoms doesn't help, but they are not objectionable neighbors. The Dwarves excitedly reconstruct everything Annie can remember.

 

And in the fall, the Silmaril rises in the sky.

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Annie cannot see it. ...Neither can anybody else underground...

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Some Dwarves still travel, or have mirror setups for observatories. They - notice. They are not sure what to say. It seems maybe best to not say anything. 

 

But it is not all that long before some of the Elves go outside when it's safe, to see the stars and sing some songs that aren't safe underground. 

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Annie isn't hanging around most of the Elves all that often (although she does ask Lírnith for updates on Rirosseth on any day when she doesn't see Rirosseth) but she does notice them being stressed out.

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And eventually she finds out. And tells everyone to bring these things to her, please, not Rirosseth. 

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But Rirosseth is crazy, not stupid, and she comes to find Annie a few days later. 

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Annie is "drawing" an airplane, having run out of all the really low-hanging fruit but imagining someone might want airplane specs as a curiosity despite living underground. She puts her pencil down when Rirosseth's obviously approaching and gets the door before she has to knock. "Hi."

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"Hi. Did my sister ask you to lie to me?"

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"- no." Technically.

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"...I probably don't want to know but I'm not very good at not knowing things and I have an astoundingly vivid imagination so you might as well just tell me."

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"I, Lírnith thought it would be a bad idea, I thought she'd know what she was doing better than I would -"

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"I'm not mad at you."

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"Are you really sure you want to know."

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"I can pretty much already guess. At least the outlines. There's an artifact effect that solves all our problems, I just need to get better at playing along with the magic true love thing."

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"The opacity fixes oaths and I have no idea how the drawback filters."

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"The opacity has the -"

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"Yeah it's the magic love one I'm sorry."

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"Mmmhmm."

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"If any of this were real I wouldn't hate you," she says, "and it wouldn't be you hurting me," and she turns and leaves.

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That is not going to stop Annie from crying for a while but it will make it a shorter while.

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...hey, you okay?

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Did Rirosseth tell you -

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Someone put the Silmaril in the sky somehow and I asked people to take stuff about that to me and she must have pieced it together - 

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Yeah. She asked if I asked you to lie to her and I said no and she'd mostly figured it out anyway - I told her.

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Okay. Well. Luckily I can't think of a single way to even attempt fetching a Silmaril from the sky so she doesn't have to do anything about it right now -

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Okay.

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You okay?

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I'll live.

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Mmhmm. Anything I can do?

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Can't really think of anything.

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Okay.

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She goes to her room and doesn't bar the door because it's not as if it fucking means anything and stares blankly at the wall and wishes she'd never existed.

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Annie doesn't attempt to explain rockets to anyone.

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Probably a good idea.

 

 

 

Although - they kept trying to get messages to Valinor with boats -

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Airplanes she explains!

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Dwarves are intrigued at airplanes but a long way off from being able to get anywhere on them. 

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Yeah, she doesn't expect them to be flying around anytime very soon.

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She doesn't leave her room for two months.

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Annie has to fucking strangle her brain into behaving itself but she can do it because Rirosseth should not have to make the slightest sacrifice to fret about Annie's well-being and the best the only way to arrange that Rirosseth is free of this obligation is to fucking. cope. She doesn't know if Rirosseth even notices when Annie asks Lírnith how she's doing but she does it less anyway because she has to fucking cope so that Rirosseth will not worry about her, will not spend down scarce mental resources trying to manage her, she will manage herself and the artifact is going to help goddammit because it's what Rirosseth needs her to do, okay -

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She does, in fact, mention that Annie's asked about her less often and seems to be doing fine. We're not going to make you do anything, okay? And if you did do it you'd know this was real, Enemy can't break oaths and it feels like something, being free of it-

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I will acknowledge the implausibility of the whole scenario. ...she can take it off, too. We don't know if that'd make the effect go away but it might, it did for all the other ones -

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If this were real, and not being under the oath really feels like- really feels like something unmistakable, enough that I might believe it - she'd have permission to come in and put it on and off while I was asleep.

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You sure?

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It probably comes off, all the other effects did. Best case, oath's gone and I have more reason to believe this is real. Worst case, my brain is twisted into a pretzel of affection either for her or for someone else who's going to be dead inside a century - hell, maybe the kids - and then I completely fall apart for all eternity, which doesn't look substantially worse than if I just keep on as I am - do you know if it takes away everything you feel for anyone else -

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I can ask. 

 

She relays the whole exchange to Annie.

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I didn't have a lot of close friends or a significant other back home but I feel what I am pretty sure is a normal-for-me amount of missing my parents.

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Okay. Do you - do you want to -

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Do you think I should.

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Well, she said she'd want it. I can - ask her to break it down a little farther?

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Might help.

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Okay. 

 

 

Nelya - can you go, like, outcome-by-outcome, help me think this through - 

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Sure. Outcome one, oath goes away and I'm not magic lovebonded and I concede that this is probably reality because the Enemy definitely uses this setup to fuck with me and if that part gets taken away and the oath is really gone and with the strategic picture sufficiently changed by Annie's world's technology I don't have much reason to expect this is a hallucination. 

Outcome two, option a, oath goes away and I'm magic lovebonded to Annie. As I understand it, this plausibly consists of my actual romantic relationships and feelings being either squashed out or adjusted into something nonromantic or just rendered irrelevant next to the new magic lovebond thing, and we are blissfully happy or something until she dies and then I'm basically never okay again for all eternity. This is pretty clearly not worth getting de-oathed for, and I wouldn't even believe I was free because the Enemy'd totally pull something like that and I don't know what he can and can't do, it's probably been a century of real time by now. 

Outcome two, option b, oath goes away and I'm magic lovebonded to someone who isn't Annie and isn't an option - straight, eight years old, married, whatever. Annie seems - functional, so maybe I would be until they died and then I'm back to never okay for all eternity.

Outcome two, option c, oath goes away and I'm magic lovebonded to someone who is an option and isn't going to be dead in sixty years and I put myself together and be adoring at them and I find the idea terrifying and repulsive but at least it wouldn't involve experiencing suffering forever. I'm so tired of suffering. I don't want to suffer forever. I'm so tired -

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I know. Okay, so - two acceptable outcomes, two not-so-acceptable -

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Yeah. So - what's probable? Might be that you have to be conscious to magic-love-bond, it happened to her when I entered her sensory range. Might be that I don't have a magic love bond, or that Elf souls override it, or that it happens but then Annie can take it off - and she would take it off, I trust her, she wants me to be okay, not to suffer forever - I am nearly certain it's going to happen but that's because I'm nearly certain this is a hallucination. If I thought this were reality I think I would conclude it was unlikely that putting on, then removing, the power resulted in magic-love-bonding the target.

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Okay. So - might be an acceptable risk because if it works you know you're free of Angband and you think it's unlikely that instead it makes you suffer forever and you're going to kind of be suffering forever anyway if you never have any way to check if you're free of Angband?

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Yeah. If I thought it'd be - even a ten percent chance - I wouldn't do it, but Annie hasn't had any trouble taking any magic off people yet, right, including this one, and you didn't have a magic love bond, and the trigger was the person entering her perceptive range, that doesn't add up to a likely picture. I'm terrified but if I thought this were real I'd say to do it.

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...she conveys all this to Annie, as close as possible to verbatim.

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Okay. Can you tell me when she's asleep.

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To be safe she sings her to sleep, really really deep sleep, and then tells Annie when she's stopped. Song won't wear off for a minimum of twenty minutes.

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And Annie goes in, and touches fingertip to fingertip, apply, remove -

- shivers, closes her eyes and bows her head, leaves.

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You don't get feedback or anything, do you -

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Not at all.

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Okay.

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And she sleeps peacefully, and wakes up -

 

 

- and Annie is the most important person in the universe and she's spent the last several years ignoring her and hurting her it's the most awful thing imaginable Annie might not even exist Annie is probably a figment of her imagination or of Thauron's and that does not change that Annie is the most important thing in the universe and she needs to be with her right now - 

 

Annie Annie where are you -

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I'm in my room -

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So she stumbles out of hers and goes and finds her, needs to see her, needs to look at her -

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Annie opens the door - "it was reciprocal after all wasn't it -"

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She kisses her - they can do that and talk at the same time - I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, my love, I'm so sorry, It's been years and I barely even - 

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- oh fuck Annie's not going to be able to regret anything very coherently if Rirosseth's going to kiss her she's just going to make a conflicted whimpery noise.

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Of course she's going to kiss her she's been hurting her for years and it's so so urgent she - stop - doing that -

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Conflicted whimpery noises and not having any idea what to do with her hands because even when Rirosseth's touched her before Annie has to hold still and are you okay -

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Are you okay - I need you to be okay then I can figure out what I am -

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I had not considered this feedback loop it might be a problem - I'm fine -

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Okay. Okay. 

 

 

 

Um. I'm - glad it happened because now I can stop hurting you and that's not really circular I don't think. I still don't really think you're real, just, even if you're a figment of my imagination or the Enemy's you're a really important one who I'm in love with, and I'm still expecting somethng horrible to happen to me and I think I'll be just as scared as always of being touched but we have to figure it out anyway, I want to kiss you and be okay, I need that -

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oh fuck

...she cannot dwell on how much this is an "oh fuck" it will not be constructive

How do I help?

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I don't know, I - I love you, I want you to be happy, what will make you happy -

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...solving this feedback loop nonstupidly?

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You've been trying to handle whatever I need for years, I'll be okay, I don't even get very much time with you -

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I actually can't just plain assume you will be okay I have the exact same thing you have remember?

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Yes so now I know what I've been putting you through and correcting that is really important.

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This does not constitute a nonstupid resolution of the feedback loop.

Okay, just, it's not going to work if we try to take turns or something, it only makes sense if we can get sorted out enough that we can both be sure of each other being okay at the same time.

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Okay. Okay. I - I barely know anything about you, tell me about yourself -

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Of course. What do you want to know -?

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I don't know, what you like to do, where you're from, what makes you happy, what you'd do if you were in charge of the world...

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Annie can tell her these things, that's easy. Well, except for the being in charge of the world part, because that requires a lot of fine specification on how much power is actually entailed and which world and stuff, but she can answer a broad range of hypotheticals about that.

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That's good. That's really good. She stares at her dreamily and watches her talk.

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This is less whimper-inducing but overall much safer-feeling than sudden confusing kisses!

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She can wait for the kisses while Annie's talking, if talking is making her happy.

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Annie is not hurting for lack of kisses. Lacking kisses is okay. Rirosseth wanting to know things about her is lovely and she will talk about her parents and her country and her long-gone university classes and the statistics she wanted to do on how artifact properties are determined and the Jaillian imported candy bars she used to spend inadvisable amounts of money on -

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All of which are the most fascinating, most important things in the world -

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"...you calmed down?" Annie asks, after a few hours have gone by.

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"I think so? Sorry, it's a bit - I can't imagine how you - and the first thing I knew was what I'd been doing to you, for years -"

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"- it's honestly not as bad as you're thinking, I got pretty good at bossing the artifact around after a little while. I'm hungry, are you hungry?"

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"...yeah, that's a good idea, I'll ask someone to bring us something -" she does that - 

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"Thanks."

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Sigh. "So. We should talk."

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"Yeah. And did you tell Lírnith what happened -?"

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"No, I want to think how to not freak her out - she'll take it okay, she's sort of been working around me for a long time, but it'll still hurt her a lot -"

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"Yeah, she - wasn't expecting this result -"

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"And I said I wasn't okay with this result -"

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"...yeah -" apologizing will not help freaking out will not help

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"And now I am okay with this result and I guess if it hadn't changed my preferences that'd be very unpleasant, whereas this is pleasant if abstractly terrifying - anyway I don't know how much about my reasoning she told you but it wasn't you it was that you're going to die and then I'll suffer forever and I really really didn't want to suffer forever. And that remains a problem now that I'm in love with you but it seems like fixing it by figuring out how for you to not die, or for me to die when you do, is probably easier than fixing the being in love with you."

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"Probably. My healing factor might do it - it should at least help."

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"Then that would be good and all this would be very silly. If all it does is buy you more time - with enough more time maybe the Dwarves could figure out how to do it with magic - I should have been looking into that anyway, I should have done it right away..."

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"It's okay," soothes Annie, "we haven't been here that long and we didn't have money before anyway and now we have some surplus to get them to look into it."

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Nod. 

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"I love you."

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"I love you. I don't even care if you're real."

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"...well, I'm real anyway, but I'm glad you're not having a crisis over the possibility that I could be imaginary."

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"I think it should be easier than it would have been to kiss you, having a lot of trust helps and I have a lot of trust - if I could get Lírnith to sing it then it'd be easy but we can't do that -"

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"Okay, but so you know I really did stop dwelling on that much when I found out about the flashbacks, you don't need to push it."

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"No, see, unless you have flashbacks or something I'm not going to be able to stop dwelling on it."

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"...ah. Gotcha."

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Food arrives. They eat. 

 

Uh, Laurië?

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Yeah?

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Necklace thing is reciprocal and apparently doesn't go away. We're thinking of maybe asking the Dwarves to figure out a way for Annie to not die on me. Please don't stress about it too much, it was the right thing to try.

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You okay?

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Fine. Freaked out, but happy and talking with Annie and everything's okay. 

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...okay. 

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"Told her," she says aloud. 

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"How'd she take it?"

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"Stressed, but she'll be okay? She's probably thinking about whether to reverse it if somehow a way to do that manifested."

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Nod.

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"I would've wanted her to? I think if she asks I'll say I still want her to but just so I can reconsider with more information - like, if I could be in love with you without the preference-altering that'd make me happier, there'd be less of a nagging -"

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"Yeah. ...I assume you wouldn't be without it though -"

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"I'm pretty sure I'd put it back, definitely if I couldn't be without it. Right now it feels like I would be even without it because you are so evidently extraordinary that how could I fail to - well, I failed to notice it because I was crazy and grieving and in a state of total despair but once I'd noticed it how could I not care - but maybe that wouldn't stick either -

 

- we don't need to worry about it, anyway, it's probably not possible."

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"- oh, since the love thing doesn't come off do you want the opacity back on -"

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"...yeah, good idea. I wonder why the love doesn't come off."

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"I guess it's more like how you kept your hand even when you didn't have the healing factor active any more -" Annie holds her hand out.

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She takes it.

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And Annie supplies opacity.

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Annie is amazing. "Can we cuddle - I will still probably panic if you move but I really really want to -"

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"I can hold still."

She lies down and holds still.

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And she curls up next to her. Annie Annie Annie Annie - what's your full name -

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Annabelline Merry Svane. The last name means 'swan'.

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Annabelline Merry Swan. We are going to figure out how you can not die and then I am going to love you forever and ever.

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I love you too.

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How can I - if we'd met somewhere else, if the world didn't need saving and I hadn't killed so many people - how could I have done it right -

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- where else?

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Don't know. Your home, or - mine before the war -

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Lírnith told me some stuff about you in Valinor, it sounded like you were busy with all kinds of cool stuff, I would've wanted to help -

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Yeah, I - was - bleak pain and horror - Eru, if I'd known what I'd become -

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Sorry, I - didn't realize how painful it'd be to think about what things used to be like -

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If you'd landed in my world I would have thought that was very interesting because I didn't know other worlds existed, and the university wasn't letting me study artifacts but other worlds could be just as useful, so I'd have wanted to go meet you if there was a way for me to do that.

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I always aspired to be very meetable.

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So I'd have showed up and wanted to know all about Elves and magic and stuff, I guess, and I'm both intensely magically biased and have only seen you in brief flashes and through other people's eyes but I probably would've still noticed you're beautiful...

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It'd be - really useful to sort of get an orientation on your kind of magic, it's a lot more - arbitrary and force-of-nature-y than ours -

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I've read a lot of books on artifacts, we could have swapped magic facts. It's not totally arbitrary though, there's usually some connection to whoever left the artifact. It'll be related to their actual hobbies or disabilities or fears or talents or whatever somehow.

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How do you leave an artifact?

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If somebody dies, there's a very small chance that their favorite thing will become an artifact. So it's often jewelry or art or books or things like that, not so much toasters, and never things that come in pairs like shoes.

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Huh. - I'd have been horrified about people dying. Before the war there weren't humans, and Elves don't die, not really, not forever, and in Valinor they didn't die at all, I'd have been terribly upset at the idea that enough people had died for there to be a lot of artifacts in the first place -

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Humans have been around for a couple hundred thousand years. Although they didn't leave many artifacts in very early history - smaller population and fewer valuable possessions.

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The oldest Elves are almost eight thousand. That's - wow, that's a long time -

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No humans have been alive that long, the oldest known artifact that does immortality is only twenty five hundred years old and only one person has touched it.

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Must have a hell of a drawback -

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It is, but also he swallowed it and nobody can get it out of him.

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Wow. ...what's the drawback, why would anyone do that...

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He can't move at all, or be moved, he's stuck where he was when he stiffened up. And he's too durable for people to scratch his nose for him, which is according to telepathic touched very irritating. His mom left the artifact when he was four, it was a jade pendant, he didn't know what it was or decide to make this tradeoff - a lot of artifacts are found by accident by the bereaved, people try not to leave them - wedding jewelry's paired so it won't turn magic, for instance.

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Oh no. Oh no. That - sounds awful. Uh, okay, if you mentioned that I think I'd ask if he had people coming to sing for him and read him books and so forth all the time and if not if we could set that up, and teach him osanwë so he could communicate at least with me and any other Elves without having to use fully-telepathic couriers, and then I'd probably try to think how to ask a Vala to actually fix it -

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He's a tourist attraction. People go talk to him and there's some telepaths in the area who he can talk to and there's usually a TV on. I read an interview with him and he cracked jokes and stuff and seemed pretty okay considering. He's not four any more, he did grow.

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That's good. Shudder. A Vala still might be able to fix it. 

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That would be good. If they decided they wanted to do something outside of Valinor.

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It would have taken some doing and meant I couldn't go around kissing you but it might've been achievable. 

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How would it interfere with kissing me? If it was going to be that time-consuming I'd hope they'd fix more drawbacks than just the one.

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You know, it's sort of funny how it didn't come up, it used to be so much a part of my life - Elves, when they have sex, form a magical permanent soul bond that involves extended osanwë reach and an emotion-sharing thing - optional - and a bunch of new sensory abilities that are centered around your partner. And it's only between a man and a woman, that that happens. And the rule is that - if you're a young woman, then you find a young man you like and court him and have a year-long engagement and then a wedding party and then a wedding together afterwards and then you have children if you want them and love each other ever after.

 

And anything else is somewhere between foolish and disgusting - or coercive, a lot of it's assumed to be coercive -

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...oh.

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So I could beseech the Valar into coming and changing drawbacks, if they could - and they might have been able to - but not if I -

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- they wouldn't help totally unrelated humans with problems if the person who was asking them kissed a girl?

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They - would need to be presented with the idea really carefully in order to be likelier to help humans than to, well, declare your world now part of their rule and start teaching you their wisdom which includes that particular rule, or something else stupid that they wouldn't understand was stupid, and I would have no legitimacy with which to present them with the idea in a delicate and constructive way if I'd kissed a girl.

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Oh.

Parts of my world have that rule - well, something like it, heavier on the disgusting than the coercive - but Noregr's relatively progressive and my mother is especially so and I never ran into any problems about it.

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Good. Nothing in the world should ever hurt Annie. It - messed me up kind of a lot. I - wanted very much, back then, for the trust people had in me and the regard they held me in to be warranted, so even if what I was doing was morally neutral, I was living a lie to everyone and a lie that would make them cease to be comfortable with my ruling them and I felt very guilty about that.

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Lírnith mentioned you had a secret girlfriend but she didn't say why she was secret.

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That was part of the reason.

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Part of it?

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She's also my cousin. And our family was kind of dysfunctional even before everything turned horrible.

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Oh.

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It wasn't - I don't know how much you want me to talk about this, it's sort of weird to - yesterday I was in love with her and now -

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I'd probably be awkward with her if she were around but it's not weird to hear she exists - are you not anymore, did the artifact take it -?

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I...think so? I still care about her as a person, but - I definitely wouldn't want to be romantically involved -

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...sorry.

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Not your fault at all. We were never going to see each other again anyway - oh, that's the other thing, the god of the dead fixes it if you're attracted to people you shouldn't be - she won't do it without consent but she won't let you come back to life unless she does -

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That doesn't sound especially consensual.

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No.

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You might be unmodifiable - if they can't undo oaths and the artifact can maybe they can't undo the artifact stuff either, and either side of this pair would do it - except I guess if she could tell you weren't modified like she intended she might not let you go -

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Oh, I won't be allowed to come back to life either way, mass murder is also definitely disqualifying for reembodiment. I wouldn't let her touch me but I'm not coming back if I die.

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Oh.

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I mean, that one seems pretty fair. I'm not that worried about it - I was mostly just hoping she could make it like I was always sleeping -

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- can't nod must hold still. I guess that wouldn't be too horrifying.

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And maybe we'll figure something clever out and not die and the Dwarves will invent a way to use electricity to kill the Enemy and then we can live somewhere pretty and help people once I'm in fewer pieces -

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Maybe.

I love you.

She can just say that now~

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I love you. 

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Can I kiss you now?

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Yeah - is there anything like holding still I should do to make it easier -

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Unfortunately it's more complicated? 'don't do a really long list of things I haven't fully catalogued that'll remind me -' but I want to kiss you anyway, maybe with practice we'll figure it out.

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...Maybe you could list at least some of them and I'll avoid those and learn new ones as they come up?

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Don't call me by the name I was born with, don't pull my hair, don't touch my ears, don't bite me, don't laugh slightly?

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Okay -

- I can't actually hear laughter, it's possible I sometimes laugh and can't feel myself doing it -

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Well, then, I'll tell you and we'll figure it out.

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Okay.

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When we would cuddle back before I loved you and I could tell you how to move so that it didn't wake up any nightmares it - it was vaguely the sort of thing I would once have found ridiculously hot but I couldn't but now I can again -

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You can tell me to move however you like.

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I trust you. I love you. We'll figure it out. 

 

She tells her heart to stop racing, wrong kind of heart racing. And she kisses her. And it's not really Annie it's Thauron and Annie is Thauron so that doesn't matter and there are so many things she throws into place between her and the world so it hurts less to keep existing and she shoves them more firmly into place and tries not to care who it is -

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Annie can't read her mind. Annie holds mostly pretty still (being kissed makes it very hard not to kiss back and squirm a little) and makes non-laughter noises of rather unmoderated volume and doesn't pull her hair or call her name or touch her ears or bite.

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Then they can do this for a couple minutes until she collapses shuddering and crying and not in contact with Annie but barely able to perceive that anyway -

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"- I - what'd I - how do I -"

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You didn't do anything, sorry, that's just - the best I can do - I'm sorry - 

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You don't have to kiss me it is not obligatory I will be okay -

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I won't - unless I guess I was hurting you enough by beating my head into a panic like this that you preferred I didn't try, maybe, but actually feels like I just need to stop beating my head into a panic -

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That would be ideal but if you can't actually do that -

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I have no idea if I can do that but I haven't tried very hard yet. 

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Is - sheer exposure - really the best thing to try -

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I don't know but it involves kissing you and none of the other solutions involve that and it has been five hundred years, it's obviously not just going to get better on its own, not in your lifetime -

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Does this world even have therapists.

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Some of the Valar try? They could just erase all my memories of Angband, I might even ask them to if we were on good terms....

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That's not really what I meant.

Um, as of recently I definitely as opposed to just maybe have less to deal with than you but my coping strategy is writing stuff down so I can look at it and it's outside my head and holds still.

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Problem is that the Enemy can't read my mind but he can definitely observe anything I'm doing with it.

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...oh. Well then that won't really work.

Or, I don't know, if I thought I was being spied on I could maybe draw stuff?

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I could maybe do that. I sing stuff but I can't do that near you -

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...if you want to borrow my weird sense you could still hear yourself sing and you could sense me through enough walls that it wouldn't hurt me?

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That might be worth a try -

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Okay. Now?

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Not right now, I don't think. Not - collected enough.

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Okay. Whenever you want.

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Yeah.

 

I love you.

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I love you too.

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I would try to describe the thing that happens but I don't like picking apart my head for the Enemy -

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It's okay, you don't have to, I don't even know if I could help.

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Nothing can help but most people who care about me even just normal non-magical amounts can't handle that and like pretending that things can and that's probably going to be worse for you so I can - not let you believe it -

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I don't know how to do this I know what this is like but I don't think I know you well enough -

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I might be out of autobiography - what else do you need to know -?

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I'm not sure. If you weren't magically in love with me you'd strongly prefer not to be lied to, right.

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...yeah. I mean, I still do in the sense that if you're having problems the problem is that you are having them and not that I know about them, except if me knowing about them sends me into a spiral now I drag you along and that's worse, so if you have to kind of manage me so we don't wind up in a stupid feedback loop you can do that. If you can do that now that we've had this conversation.

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Yeah. I think I might have to do that. 

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I will try not to second-guess you too much?

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I prefer to be taken at face value, it makes people more predictable and makes me feel better about still being capable of navigating things with people in them.

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I'll try.

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It's also often sort of a self-fulfilling prophecy - being functional is really important to my self-image, and if I can't get people to believe I'm okay then I can't be okay. 

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If there are ever things I could do or not do that do actually help or hurt above and beyond the acting like you're okay will you tell me -?

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Yeah, of course. There are, lots of things, but they're mostly - also good for other reasons - like, not being under the oath, that's really good, and being here inventing things instead of in Amon Ereb waiting to die....

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I would've suggested it sooner if I'd known there was a here to be.

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We came to Gimilgathol in the immediate aftermath of the Battle of Unnumbered Tears - uh, the one that made it evident we couldn't win - and they were very nice about it but there was no way we could afford the risk we were bringing down on their heads in the long term, and after Tumunzahar fell I sort of stopped thinking of it as an option - it should have occurred to me the minute you mentioned that your world was technologically ahead....

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It's a pity I don't know very much about how to build anything but they're getting really far on vague memories and drawings made out of letters.

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They're pretty brilliant and it's terribly urgent. 

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Nod.

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I think if Melkor were stopped and everybody we killed reembodied and you were immortal and humans in general were immortal and the children grew up to be happy then I could be okay eventually.

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...pretty tall order.

I'm not sure all humans want to be immortal.

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I don't want to be immortal, and commend the sense of anybody else who doesn't. But they should get to choose.

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I'm pretty sure they don't want to be immortal mostly for silly reasons, but yeah, choosing is good.

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Anyway. I don't think I can be okay when my existence in the world has unequivocally made it unimaginably worse than it otherwise would have been.

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Are you actually positive it did - you weren't the only person who took the oath -

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Yes but without me no one would have followed us.

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I don't really have enough information to dispute that.

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Sigh. I need you to exist but there's only one of me and I also wouldn't need it if you never had so that's not a very good argument.

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I'm not going to stop existing. Can't. I just - conveniently the way to deal with this need of mine is to make things good, as long as we can, for as many people as we can -

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That is pretty convenient.

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And that's not connected to the panic attacks, I can tackle those separately.

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...okay.

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I want Angband to stop existing.

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Me too.

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And I love you and I'm so so sorry -

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What are you sorry for -?

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I don't know, not - coming to you whole? Not being able to be everything you deserve - because you deserve everything -

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It's okay I love you anyway.

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I know you do. I'm so glad you do. I want to hold you again -

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I - pace yourself a little, I'm all yours and I still will be if you need a breather to calm down -

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Contented sigh.

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Annie can't hear it. It could be any sort of sigh. She sighs too, shuts her unhelpful eyes.

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I love you and I'm going to be okay for you.

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I love you too and I hope you can.

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They can just lie here for a while. Annie can get back to work later.

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Yeah.

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It's not transcendently perfect or anything but it's nice.

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She will get transcendently perfect figured out with enough time. Somehow.

 

 

 

 

They tell everybody what is going on. Everybody is - concerned, but on the other hand, no more oath, perhaps that's worth becoming attracted to girls over.  She does not correct them. People make assumptions that would be wildly implausible even if Rirosseth could handle being touched. She does not correct those, either. 

 

She is in love. Annie's okay, Annie's happy enough, so she can poke at being in love and try to make sense of it - her opinions about topics other than Annie don't seem to have changed much, her emotions about anything else are no different except by comparison - love-for-Annie isn't the most intense thing she's ever felt, she's been in Angband, but she can identify it abstractly as a feeling that would have been the most intense thing she'd ever felt, before a Vala set her considerable talents to breaking her.

She doesn't really experience things. Hasn't for centuries. She observes them, and she has a pretend-Rirosseth who reacts to them if they're within parameters that the pretend-Rirosseth can handle, and if she can't then she lets models of other people do it, and if there's anything no one can handle then she still doesn't let it penetrate to whatever real person is at the center, because how likely is it that she'd be able to handle it? Things happen to someone else, someone she's puppetting. It's the only way they're tolerable.


She is terrified to take that down so what she needs to do instead is propagate the being-in-love. It's slow going. It doesn't make the panic attacks go away either. 

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No rush. Annie will be right here waiting.

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Yeah. That - well, it would probably be even more unpleasant to be in love with her and afraid of somehow messing up and losing her. But it doesn't especially help. If Annie didn't want her then she might be able to persuade her brain that its most urgent priority was something other than figuring out how to kiss Annie.

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Annie, if quizzed, remains nonurgent on the kissing part, although she definitely doesn't object when kissed. Annie does like that Rirosseth wants to kiss her but mostly because this is a result of Rirosseth being in love with her.

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Yeah, she is. Forever, apparently. (Dwarves have apparently tried working out immortality; they, too, age and die. They have not made any progress on it, but since Annie has healing that might fix the problem where curing one cause of death just brings a new one.)

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That's promising!

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She doesn't get better, exactly, but she gets better at pretending. 

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Annie does her very best to take her at face value. In a conservative way that doesn't involve ever kissing first or moving much when cuddled, but still.

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But is Annie happy, that's what is important.

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Annie is extremely emotionally complicated. There is some happy in there and she tries to present that first and foremost.

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Once upon a time she would be a good person to go to with extremely complicated emotions. That is - not true anymore.

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Not really her expertise, but she can do relationship counseling if either of them express interest.

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Annie is not sure how that could help.

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"It sounds like you literally can't talk to each other because you both self-destruct if you're hurting the other person?"

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"...it's not quite that bad but that's the gist, yes. It's not going to help to get information about that secondhand though."

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"I'll trust you on that. ...could've been a bit more of a relationship-facilitating flavor of true love..."

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"...it might actually work really well if it weren't for the trauma? I'm not sure."

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"Fair enough."

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Sigh.

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"You okay?"

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"When you asked if I wanted her to be magically in love with me I was kind of not imagining it being this hard for her."

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"I should probably have thought of it - her being non-magically in love was hard - I think it'll get better. I don't think she's less happy than she was before."

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"That's good then."

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"When she was ...okay... it was important to her to do right by people who were hers, I think that's what you're running into."

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"She's trying really hard."

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"And we're a very stubborn family. She'll get there. Just - don't die."

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"Doing my best."

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"We should try to find my niece."

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"You have a niece?"

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"She disowned us. I don't know if she still feels that way, with the oath gone. But she's brilliant and likes Dwarves and might be able to help them out on the immortality."

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"That'd be great - where is she?"

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"I'm not sure. Balar, maybe - it's an island off Beleriand."

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"...so how would we find her?"

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"How much money do we have, if some Dwarves went there I think she'd listen."

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"Uh -" Annie goes and tots up what she's got minus outgo.

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"We could ask, with that much. Dwarves in general hate boats, but..."

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"Maybe there's someone looking for an excuse to try putting a motor on a boat or something."

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"Oooh. That works?"

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"Sure. You attach it to a propeller and it'll go really fast."

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"Bet we can sell someone on giving that a try."

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"And it should help interest your niece."

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"It'll definitely do that."

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"I'll see what I can remember about speedboats."

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Dwarves are skeptical about things that go on water, but it is possible to find a couple who are intrigued by speedboats.

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And are they willing to maybe go looking for Rirosseth and Lírnith's niece Celebrendes who might be on this island and might be a research asset?

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How dangerous is that likely to be, how long a journey, how persuadable the niece...

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Lírnith would know more about that than Annie would.

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She is happy to hammer out expedition details. ...though Celebrendes is likelier to react well to a Dwarf expedition than a family expedition to find her. Lírnith's just consulting. 

 


The Dwarves agree on a price.

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Annie shells out. Annie picks up a bit more translation work to cover for things being tight.

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They set off. 

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That was a good idea.

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It was Lírnith's.

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Well, thanks for paying for it. And thanks for talking to Lírnith, I think it makes her happy to know someone who's so important to me. 

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You're welcome.

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I love you and I'll be so happy once we know for sure you're safe forever.

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I love you too.

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I know I'll be okay eventually, I just need it to be in time.

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I hope your niece can help.

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I bet you'll like her. 

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I hope so. What's she like?

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By temperament a lot like my mother, but she had my mother to learn from and internalized the relevant lessons very aggressively. 

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Not having met your mother I don't know what to take from that.

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Brilliant? Thinks about ideas more that people, and tends to be most comfortable around people who are near as brilliant as she is, and very very ambitious and driven and disinclined to take most of the world seriously in deciding what she ought to care about, and very inclined to pick fights with gods, and not much less inclined to pick fights with anyone else...

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Are the lessons 'maybe don't pick so many fights with gods'?

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That, and 'collaborate' and 'listen to your advisors' and 'seriously consider and prepare for worst-case scenarios' and 'don't do bad things even when they seem necessary; the gods will turn against you and that's worse than what you were trying to prevent'.

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Nod.

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And 'family can't be your highest priority' and 'sometimes people abandon you and that's okay' and 'you can have a working relationship with people even if they aren't very nice, the world won't end' - 

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...probably good things to be able to cope with.

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My mother had a very dysfunctional childhood, and also there hadn't been any wars in history to pick up lessons from. Those advantages alone would give my niece quite the edge as a functional person.

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Nod.

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You okay?

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Yeah.

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I love you so much and I'd be so happy you were here if only you were safe here.

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I love you too. Maybe we'll figure something out. Or someone will come back from another world, or something.

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Yeah. Oh, it's probably safe to tell Dwarves that's an option.

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Okay.

So she does.

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There aren't many Dwarves who want to try teleporting out of the dimension but some that are nearing death of old age or similar are willing to try it, either for the novelty or in the case that someone is able to track back to this world from here. A few more dimensional scouts go out.

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And presumably being Dwarves they will pay for the privilege. It's really very convenient being rich.

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She is very rich. They've gotten a lot of stuff working with electricity, now, and are having a go at large vacuum-tube computers.

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Yay!

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And a few months later the boat-Dwarves come back with Celebrendes, who is so excited about electricity that it takes her a full week to come find Annie, introduce herself, and while positively bouncing on the spot say that she would really really love to learn the languages spoken in Annie's home world when either of them happen to have any free time and also lovely to meet you and she's not sure if she can get immortality but she'll try.

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Annie is delighted to meet her, and will be happy to teach her some otherworldly languages, and would really really appreciate immortality if that is at all possible since otherwise she will die.

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Yes, she has had some mortal friends and is clear on why immortality is really really important, don't worry about that, it's just also really hard, but so are a lot of these inventions that are going on now, the Dwarves weren't clear on the details of how Annie ended up in the custody of the Lady Rirosseth of Himring but Annie is welcome to convey Celebrendes' respects to her as well.

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It's kind of a long story. Annie will be sure to convey the respects.

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She's way more interested in the languages than the story to be honest.

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Suits Annie fine. She can also hand out the languages effect, it'll make you faceblind but she can un-give it afterwards? She's not actually sure how retention after loss of the effect is because she can't take it off herself.

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That sounds fascinating and she'd love to have it on for a bit just to poke at it and see how it works. 

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Sure. Poke.

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"Oooh. Oooh - can you say things in different languages for a bit - what happens if we construct a language -"

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Annie says some things in Noregrsk and other languages from home she's heard of - "I haven't tried making up a language, good question, but to be really clear if it worked I couldn't do it myself, could I?"

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"I might ask Lírnith to try it for us, she learned a lot of human languages for her poetry and owes me."

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"Okay."

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Bounce bounce - "anyway, thank you and nice to meet you, I come find you if I'd rather be able to recognize people than speak all languages?"

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"Right, adding and removing stuff is touch range only."

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"Shame, you could un-oath Melkor's servants and I'd be extremely interested in what happened then."

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"They've all got drawbacks, the faceblindness one is really mild."

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"What's the unoathing drawback?"

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"Uh, susceptibility to a severe psychological obsession, won't hit everybody who has it on for a moment but if it does it's potentially intractable. I really wanted to deoath some orcs but they could've wound up just as dangerous, depending."

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"Orcs maybe, but I can't imagine that'd be a minus if you hit, like, Sauron."

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"It would be worth trying on her if for some reason I was already in touch range. In the sense that at that point a lot of things would be worth trying."

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...nod. "Well, I couldn't recommend to anyone that they try getting that close, not after having seen." Twitch. "We're probably safe here."

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"Hope so."

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And she leaves and settles in with Dwarves and gets to work and plays with the language thing.

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And Annie reports that the prediction that they'd get along was correct.

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"Oh, good."

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"She was really excited about the language thing."

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"Yeah, that - runs in the family. My mother invented writing, did I tell you that?"

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"You didn't - wow."

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"I know!!! I was about twenty."

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"What's that in Elf years?"

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"You mean, what human developmental stage is comparable to an Elf of twenty? Eight or nine."

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"I would've hated growing up without knowing how to read. Well, I think I would, anyway, maybe if I didn't know what I was missing..."

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"Can't say it particularly haunted me, though I thought it was cool once it was invented. We didn't have books for a long time after that."

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"Why not?"

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"Very very time-consuming to scribe, and we didn't have books worth of things to say yet, or the concept we should be striving for that. It was all scrolls."

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"You have all those songs, I'd think you'd write those down - or was music notation later -"

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"Later. Not all that much later but it definitely didn't occur to people right away, and some people thought you couldn't possibly capture the real spirit of a song that way..."

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"I think you're probably better at memorizing music than humans are even not accounting for practice."

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"I think we have better memories in general, I've never heard of Elves forgetting big parts of their lives and we're all very old compared to humans. And I can remember more names than any human though I can also remember more than any Elf I've heard of."

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"I wish I had a better memory. There's a decent memory artifact whose owner will sell touches but they're very expensive, I never saved up enough for it."

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"I'd have been all over that. What's the drawback?"

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"All your hair falls out."

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"...What? That's one of the most harmless artifact drawbacks in the world!"

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"...okay, I'm the worst girlfriend in the world, this should have come up a long long time ago - Elves. Have a thing about hair. I would rather lose my hand again than my hair."

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"Oh. I mean, I noticed everybody kept theirs long but I didn't know it was that big a deal."

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"It's really really sensitive, touching it is considered intimate - they shaved mine so I have fewer triggers around that than around a lot of other things but it's still - not a pleasant thing for me, anymore, but for most people -"

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Nod.

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"You also usually tie it up, having it loose is - sort of like the human taboo on nudity -"

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"Elves don't have a taboo on nudity?"

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"No?"

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"That would have been nice to know - do Dwarves - my world has the nudity taboo but I would have gotten over it I am too hot all the time -"

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"I'm so sorry, I should have thought - I think we're all flagrantly going around violating some Dwarf taboo on beardlessness and once they don't mind about that they won't blink at much else."

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"I will ask a Dwarf to be sure. Should I be putting my hair up -?"

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"Everyone's used to humans not doing that. I find it distracting but I'd find you terribly distracting anyway."

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"Would I be usefully less distracting with my hair up."

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"Can't say I've ever minded you being distracting."

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Annie laughs.

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"Anyway, you can do whatever you'd like with your hair, but Elves won't even blink if you start going around naked, they've mostly been wearing clothes for your benefit. Except me - it helps with being touched -"

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"...my benefit is kind of also not a factor here, I can't see. And my weird sense goes through stuff. I can tell the difference between the presence and absence of clothes but it's not serving the usual purpose."

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"I can point that out to people. It's just habit to be careful of it around mortals."

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"Makes sense." Annie shrugs out of her shirt.

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"...I'm still not very good at facial expressions, are you distracted?"

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"Maybe a tiny bit more than always. Not in a bad way, though."

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"I love you."

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"I love you!"

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"Come here and lie still so I can kiss you?"

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Annie goes there and lies still to be kissed.

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Annie is kissed! She doesn't even have a panic attack! Thauron laughs in her head but she doesn't listen and she knows that given the premise of this hallucination she now has mental opacity and it's not real.

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Eeeeee.

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Yeah. 

 

 

Celebrendes and the Dwarves collaborate on more applications of electricity. They can't get anywhere with computers but they think they know the materials they'd need. She goes out and looks at the Silmaril and feels no impulse to snatch it out of the sky. She swears unimportant things and checks that it doesn't feel like anything. It doesn't.

 

She catalogues her brain. She can't do it on paper or out loud, the Enemy might be listening; she sings, sometimes, when Annie is behind a few stone walls, or listens to Lírnith sing which she can do even while holding Annie because Elf hearing is better than human. She tries to follow what the engineers are doing, tries to establish for herself whether Annie really does have to be from a different world. She can't. Electricity could too easily be made up, the results to their experiments could too easily be made up, it would require the Enemy have a creative mind but, well, she does.

She catalogues her brain thoroughly enough that if everything goes exactly as she is expecting it to she won't have a panic attack. She won't enjoy it, it'll be an odd sort of pantomime with the steps falling into place in the grooves in her brain she prepared for them, but she won't have a panic attack. She bounces up to Annie and says she had a breakthrough at coping with things and wants to kiss her more, and she does, and she doesn't cry or have a panic attack and Annie looks happy, which is the most important thing in the world.

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Annie loooooves her. And is trying to take her at face value and when she is being very kissed that's not hard to do at all.

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Annie is very kissed. She can't quite bring herself to let down her hair but she will delightedly play with Annie's. She tries digging the grooves in her head to go farther than that, but it's slow going. The girls turn nine and Elian follows various Dwarves around with fascination and Eliel wants to know everything that happened in Rirosseth's life, wants to write it down so it's not lost, and she painstakingly does that. They both sing when Annie's out of earshot. 

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Annie wants to know everything that happened in Rirosseth's life too.

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She can tell both of them. She can start when she's four, and flesh it out in vivid detail, except for the parts where she says "and most of my memories of the decade after that were taken, I'm not sure why" and things like that, or when she struggles for a name - "the Enemy took them all, Lírnith told me as many as she could remember but it's not all of them -"

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"I wish the opacity worked retroactively," Annie murmurs.

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"It...did some things? I think it broke most of the outright tampering. But what's gone is just gone."

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Nod. Sigh.

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There are still thousands of years of memories to tell.

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They are fascinating.

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They are only a little heartbreaking to talk about, considering how few of the people who feature in them are still alive. Eliel is solemn and takes extraordinarily detailed notes.

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A girl after Annie's own heart. Annie takes notes too and compliments Eliel on her organization and thoroughness.

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"If the world doesn't end I want people someday to know what really happened. And what they were really like, because the stories in Sirion -"

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"People say lots of exaggerated things about each other when they're in the middle of a war."

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"Yeah. But I don't want to spend the rest of eternity pretending that we never loved them so that people are able to trust us."

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Nod.

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"I didn't even think about that," she says to Annie later, "that we were perhaps doing them a disservice even if we could give them a happy childhood -"

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"Well - I don't think you were, compared to any realistic options -"

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"Put them on a boat and give it a shove towards Balar? We didn't have good options, but it's no fun to think of new drawbacks to the one we went with. ...they are happy, I think."

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"I think so too."

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"I love you and I'm so glad you love me."

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"I love you so much," sighs Annie.

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"It happens I know exactly how much!" 

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Giggle.

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She wears more grooves into her brain. There are three different ways a session of kissing Annie can go, now, without a panic attack. She's hoping the variety will conceal some of her dependence on predictability there. Eliel interviews everyone else who'll stay still. There's enough money to pay for printings of her book, once it's finished, though she says solemnly that'll be a few years.

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If Annie notices things being predictable she doesn't comment. She moves where she is told and makes noises that are carefully not laughter and carelessly arbitrary in volume. She translates things and remembers more and more obscure and vague shreds of technology and hands out powers.

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And one day there's the sound of trumpets echoing on the air, not diminished in volume by all the stone insulation in the world.

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everyone was being so careful and polite about the thing Annie doesn't even have a guess she just collapses.

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She tries taking her farther underground, she tries finding a more insulated room, and when she realizes neither of those are going to cut it she strangles her again, only this time she's sobbing and screaming and kissing her while she does.

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Annie goes limp and calm in her arms.

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That is not good enough this is not okay nothing is okay Annie Annie -

 

She doesn't calm down enough to listen to the trumpets so it's Lírnith who tells her -

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Well, if it isn't our old friends, five hundred thirty years too late.

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Huh - 

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That's the Valar. They're here.

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Well they need to stop.

 

The trumpets do, eventually, stop. She lets go.

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Annie gasps, heals -

"- what happened?"

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"Stupid Valar, stupid evil Valar - they're here to go to war with Melkor and they made their trumpets heard across the whole world, they didn't think -"

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"...I can't think of any reason for them to expect someone to be allergic to music. Thanks for keeping me out. Why are they here now?"

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"I have no idea. Maybe they have some sort of metaphysical injunction on collateral damage and now that there's no one left to kill they're willing to do it, but I don't think so-"

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"Khazad-Dûm's still here though -"

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"We're really far southeast and underground, we might actually survive a Vala war." Squeeze. "We need to, oh, Annie, I need you to stay alive -"

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"I know, I know, I'm not going to go stand in the middle of a war."

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"The last time the Valar fought Melkor the whole world shook. For years."

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"- they're going to cause earthquakes?"

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"I have no idea what they're going to cause but seems likely."

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"...Well, we are very deep - or is there another place we should go instead -"

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"I doubt there's anywhere safer than here."

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Nod.

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Slightly clingy hug.

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Annie leans on her and has not been authorized to hug back outright so there is none of that.

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Melkor is going to lose. She's so happy. It's too late but still.

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"After everything stops shaking - if she's going to be gone - it might be safe to de-oath orcs."

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"Ooh. Yeah, it would, and the Valar would be grateful in their own way, they can't do it..."

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"Enough that I could get them not to be awful to you, do you think-?"

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"That would be a tall order. I don't know."

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"What's the best way to try...?"

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"Maybe go - not alone, I couldn't bear it, but with some not-us people, be helpful, feel out what they plan to do about us?"

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"Okay."

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"We did kill a lot of people."

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"You don't ever have to again, it's over, punishing you won't help anyone -"

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"I know, but they don't think like that, they're too stupid -"

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"Are they going to want to punish the orcs too -"

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"I have no idea. Possibly not, there is a significant moral difference between being stuck with something you swore as a child and swearing something as a fully knowing adult -"

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"It doesn't seem fair to say you were fully knowing."

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"Okay, true, but 'hasn't ever heard of anyone other than the Enemy deliberately hurting another person' is a different sort of failure than 'is three, recites what parents say'..."

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"Yeah." Sigh.

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"I don't know. But it'd sort of surprise me if they wanted to punish orcs. ...if they wanted to just unmake them somehow that wouldn't surprise me at all, but."

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"Can orcs do that? You said Elves can't..."

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"Orcs can't either. We're the same thing - orcs were bred from Elves -"

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Nod.

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"Which is why the Valar might be grateful of your help."

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"Just maybe not enough to - not stick you in the Halls forever -"

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"Maybe not that much. But I also don't have to turn myself in."

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Nod.

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"I love you and we'll figure it out together."

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The twins want to go to war. The twins are fourteen. The twins come find Annie and Lírnith and Rirosseth to tell them.

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Well, Annie thinks that sounds like a terrible idea both because they are fourteen and because they are not literally deities.

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Yes. 

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The literal deities called for people to join them in arms, though.

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"The Valar are kind of stupid."

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There are hundreds of thousands of humans enslaved in what was once Beleriand and leaving them to the stupid Valar seems like a bad idea.

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And do they have a plan to interfere with the Valar being stupid at/about the humans which isn't "show up, be fourteen"?

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Fight in the war, become able to influence the Valar? Lhindir did it.

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"He was half-Maia."

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"Oh, are they also racist on top of everything else?"

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"I don't actually think so? But Lhindir took on Morgoth and walked away, he would actually be an asset in a war -"

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"We're part-Maia too."

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"Smaller part. No Morgoth-toppling track record."

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"Are the Valar likely to let fourteen-year-olds enlist - it's already silly that they're involving an incarnate army, but -"

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"They'd probably let us enlist."

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"They probably would - doesn't make it a good idea -"

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"And we haven't, that I'm aware, learned anything new about what happens if half-Elves die."

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"Impressing the Valar is also a good way to get a good result there."

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"I'll mention it when I de-oath orcs."

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"The war might last our whole lives."

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"Then you'll get to fight in it when you're older."

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"How long was it last time?"

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"Centuries, but hopefully they learned something from the first one."

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"Oof. Hopefully."

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"Or the Dwarves'll figure something out and you'll all be immortal regardless."

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"Well, there are reasons to hope it even aside from that."

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"Yeah." Squeeze. And to the girls - "study magic for a decade, get really good at it, study diplomacy as well, get really good at that, and then we'll see if we can learn enough about what's happening in the war -"

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"That's a really long time."

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"At your age, yeah, probably is."

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Annie agrees with Rirosseth and says so.

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And child soldiers are persuaded to instead train intensively, which they throw themselves into. They're good, both of them. Everyone except Rirosseth seems to think Rirosseth is the natural tutor on diplomacy; Rirosseth tries to disqualify herself or dissuade them by giving a sixteen-hour lecture on trade negotations that happened three hundred years ago, and they both listen raptly.

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Annie has too much work to do to attend the entire thing, alas!

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"Also it was boring, I can't imagine why you'd have wanted to be there."

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"You're never boring."

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"You're biased."

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"Yes, but the girls sat through the whole thing and they're not."

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"They were probably trying to impress me."

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"Did they?"

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"Well, yes. Everyone knows my great weakness is people who are good at trade negotiations."

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Giggle.

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"They're good kids. They'll be exceptional women."

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"Yeah."

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"Elves consider it awful to separate children from their parents. Which - I mean, we didn't, he jumped, but they've sure turned out all right..."

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"Adopted humans turn out fine all the time."

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"All the precedent for adopted Elves is rather - confounded."

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"Yeah, I bet it would be."

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"And this mess is hardly an exception. But they love us and they'll be great and good and happy, so." Shrug. Nuzzle.

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Eeee nuzzles.

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She is getting so functional at physical intimacy!

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It's lovely!

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The ground shakes. It does that. They've gotten used to it. The Valar have by now mostly laid off with the world-spanning trumpets.

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Annie is getting kind of tired of the trumpets. According to osanwëd memories they aren't even that great if you can hear them and don't collapse in pain.

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There is really nothing great about them except that they herald that someone with the means to fight Melkor is doing it, and also they are causing Annie pain and so she hates those trumpets.

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Annie is very grateful to be kept unconscious during the trumpetings. It's possible to do by just tying something tightly enough around her neck, Rirosseth doesn't have to stand over her strangling her the whole time.

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Well it's not as if Rirosseth is going to be anywhere other than hovering anxiously over her unconscious beloved, but she's happy to not be strangling her.

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Yes, it seems like an improvement. Although honestly Annie does have weirdly fond memories of waking up after the week of singing way back when and being as close to snuggled as one can be by a fully armored passed out person who has been strangling one for a week.

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"Awww. Is that just because after that I didn't snuggle you for months and months?"

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"No, it was weirdly nice at the time too, it was - simple? Compared to the suddenly appearing a place and everything being chaos, anyway. You were asleep and I could just process and lie there."

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"I think I'd really enjoy knowing how your internal processing works. Especially in a situation like that."

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"...I could let you read some notes?"

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"Only if you want to, I'm interested because I love the way your mind works but I don't need it or anything -"

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"I don't usually let anybody read them but it's you."

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"I love you and I think I'd like that a lot."

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So Annie gets some notes and boops Rirosseth with the language thing so she can read the Noregrsk in the old notes.

I can read I didn't know if I'd be able to read I can read I can read I can read

I would have thought of something but I have no idea what and I don't have to I can read the only other thing it matters if I can see is her and at least I can think properly about not being able to do that -

And on about what the artifact did and how she's thinking around it (step 1: identify what she would advise someone who was not her and was in love with someone who was not Rirosseth to do, step 2: find as gerrymandered a justification as necessary for why that advice would, if Annie herself followed it, lead to something arguably artifact-friendly, step 3: use results of step 2 to beat the shit out of competing artifact effect components) and what kind of mess she has landed in and many incoherent digressions about how she is so! in! love! and! can't! handle! it! at! all! and! can't! say! anything! and the poor kids and at least she got something in the vague neighborhood of a cuddle and she will coast on that for as long as she needs to -

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"Oh, darling, my amazing astonishing - you know, if I thought this was real, I'd have fallen in love with you off reading these, I'm very sure of it - the way you think -"

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"You think so?"

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"I really do."

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That's lovely. "I love you."

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"I love you too."

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Well this has been a rewarding experience and Rirosseth can read more notes if she likes there are lots.

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She really really would they're so brilliant and self-aware and so Annie and she would absolutely love to understand everything about Annie.

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...does she maybe want them redacted for feedback-loop-y content?

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"...I trust your judgment but I know I hurt you back then and I know it'll just hurt you more if I'm sad now over it."

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"Does that actually mean you won't be sad now over it, though."

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"I bet I can avoid being feedback-loopy levels of sad. Maybe I will experience an intense desire to make it up to you, that seems better for you than being sad."

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"...okay. I'll start redacting if it's a problem."

More notes. Here for instance is the part where Annie finds out about the flashbacks-when-touched and metaphorical ice water is dumped on Annie's previously very frustrating libido because oh no poor Rirosseth nooooo.

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This will go better if they snuggle while she reads and she can squeal aloud at how brilliant Annie is. 

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That is such a good idea on all levels.

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She knows. The way Annie thinks is amazing and so impressive and so clever. 

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Eeeeeee~

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"I actually thought a long time about asking you to send me - what it's like - but I got the sense you'd never ever agree if you weren't magically in love with me and you probably wouldn't refuse me anything if I said it would help me and so it didn't - seem okay to ask -"

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"You mean before you knew what it was like -?"

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"Yeah." Squeeze.

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"What would you've done if I had?"

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"Uh, probably depends how much of you came across. I'd have been more relaxed, because it's - friendlier - mind-altering magic than I was imagining it could be, and I would have relaxed a lot over you not wanting to force me into anything..."

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Nod.

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"I'm so glad I didn't ask, though, because it might have made you sad and I'm glad that even pre-magic I was trying to do right by you even if I was very bad at it -"

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"It would've been maybe a good idea right before you tried the effect - so it would've been less of a worry -"

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"Yeah, that would probably have helped." Squeeze. "We got so lucky - well, not with the timing. But with everything else - we're here, and safe, and someone's fighting Melkor...."

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Nod nod.

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"I love you."

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"I love you too."

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The twins grow up. They are possessed and charismatic and very good at listening to long lectures about trade negotiations. Dwarves and Celebrendes have something that extends lifespans in mice but doesn't seem to do it for people, and they're not sure why.  The ground shakes occasionally. The trumpets have stopped entirely. 

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Annie hits, then exceeds, thirty.

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Annie remains the most beautiful person in the world.

 

The twins want to go to war. This time they have their mothers' blessing. To stay away from the fighting, be careful, pay attention, and look out for the interests of civilians the Valar might have forgotten about. They are told that they will probably die. They want to go anyway.

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Pity the music allergy is so intractable to deal with in this world, can't send them out with healing factor on. Annie hugs them too.

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They assure Annie they are coming back, they just need to do something that matters first. They'll stay far away from fighting. They love her.

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She loves them too.

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And Celebrendes bounces up as they're preparing to leave and says, "wait, I have something that I am not at all sure will keep you safe but that I think you'll want -" and then she swallows a few times and says "and I was going to say 'don't tell Rirosseth', because when I was growing up it was a running joke that 'don't tell Rirosseth' was completely impossible to act on, but gosh I have mixed feelings about Rirosseth and about reminding myself of that and - uh, anyway, we think we're pretty close to pulling off heavier-than-air flight."

...they agree to wait until that has been tested.

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Planes are the sort of things that make a difference in wars! They probably make less of a difference in wars that have gods involved but for some reason swords and gods are sharing a battlefield in the first place, so.

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"Yeah, it has never made much sense to me either, and we wielded the swords for a while."

 

 

Heavier-than-air flight is tested. It does not work reliably but it works and if you cheat with enchantment it works even better.

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Cheating on tech with magic is a good idea.

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And now the twins leave, with probably not much improved odds of survival but substantially improved prospects of changing the course of the war, and their worried family waves them off, and the ground shakes occasionally, and word does not reach them for several years.

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Pity phones never caught on outside Khazad-Dûm.

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The victory of the host of the Valar is indeed announced not with phones but with - trumpets.

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Damn fucking trumpets aaaaaugh.

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Everyone is laughing and crying and cheering and she knows it's not reasonable to hate them for it but Annie is hurting isn't that obviously infinitely more important than the defeat of Melkor -

 

- (once Annie is not hurting she is able to identify this as untrue) -

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"I really hope they can be curbed of that habit while I'm trying to deoath orcs."

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"And the girls probably told them by now - if the girls are all right - so they don't even have the excuse of not knowing..."

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"Is that more likely to mean they don't care or forgot or the girls aren't all right -"

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"I don't know. It's - probably safe to travel, now - we're rich enough to afford an escort - we should go find out -"

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"If it's safe."

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"Yeah."

 

 

Word is slow in trickling in. The orcs are all dead. The continent is slowly collapsing into the sea, but the Valar are stopping it from doing that while still inhabited, there are at least forty years before it'll be all collapsed.

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Does that mean travel isn't safe after all? Do the Dwarves all have to move?

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Khazad-Dûm isn't in Beleriand, it's way southwest. The Dwarves in Gimilgathol have to move; the Dwarves in Tumunzahar would have to move, if there were Dwarves in Tumunzahar, which there are not.

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Okay. Still, how are they going to travel on a collapsing continent.

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....how reliable are those planes getting to be?

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Well, cheating with magic helps a lot but not quite "vertical landing" a lot...

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Water landing?

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Doable! You will want floaty bits on the plane.

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Planes capable of water landings are developed and tested. It is a good thing Annie is absurdly rich. Does she want to go, or send some people?

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She doesn't... really want to wait around aging another year or whatever leaving orcs undeoathed etc. when she could start on the Valar sooner, if at all possible.

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This seems reasonable. They'll go together. 

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Should they bring anyone else? Like, if the Valar start trumpeting again, maybe there should be someone in the plane not incapacitated by agony or magical emotional horror.

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She would also like to know how the children are doing.

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Then Lírnith should totally come along.

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She'll do that. They spend a long time training to fly the things.

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Conveniently once you get in the sky you can't really crash into anything as trivially as you can in a car.

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And there's magic helping.

 

 

And the two most wanted people in the world and Annie set off for the host of the Valar in a magic-aided propeller plane that can land on water.

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And they have a little boat that will take them to shore and then they can try to find the host.

Possibly once they get close-ish Annie should go on ahead while borrowing her girlfriend's eyes to navigate more than a hundred yards away by?

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Yes, probably, given the most-wanted-people-in-the-world thing. 

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So Annie goes Elf-vision-distance alone the last leg of the hike.

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The host of the Valar is encamped in elaborate white and golden tents, with magic banners shimmering over them. There are armored Elves milling around, the armor flawless and shiny and gold-detailed. And -

"Annie!! 'liel, it's Annie!!!"

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The colors and the shimmering are all but lost on her, and would be completely so if not for Rirosseth's ridiculous eyes trained on her from miles and miles off. The twins, though, those she recognizes without help. "Oh - you're okay! Hi!" They're okay!

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"We're okay! They've rescued all the humans on the continent and they've promised to make us a new one - oh Annie - " hugs -

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Hugs! "That's wonderful!"

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Momentary pause. "Yeah."

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"...what's the less wonderful news?"

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"They're also being reasonable about half-Elves," Elien says quietly. "We get to choose."

"The problem," says Eliel, "is that my sister wants to go be the Queen of Men. And therefore die."

"In four hundred years."

"That doesn't make the eternity without you afterwards any shorter."

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"...why do you want to be the Queen of Men badly enough to do that?"

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"...I dunno that I want to live forever? Most of the Elves I know wish they could die for real. I don't want to be an Elf - and you're not just choosing the fate, you're choosing the fundamental nature -"

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"The oaths and the fate and the needing pretty things?"

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"Yep. So - human. Getting to be Queen and therefore change a lot of other things and help a lot of other people's just a bonus."

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"Do you get to change your mind again later - how quickly do you have to decide -"

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"Another few years - we should choose for real before they make the humans the continent - can't change your mind."

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"Well. It's your life and you can decide what kind of life you want it to be, but you might want to remember that in addition to knowing Elves who want to die you know at least one human who wants to live forever."

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"Because of her, though, right?"

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"No, I wanted to live forever before that too."

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"Did you know by the time you were my age?"

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"I wasn't even twenty yet when I landed in Arda."

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Nod.

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"There are a lot of Dwarves who were excited about the immortality research too."

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"There are lots of Dwarves who are excited about flight and will never set foot in a plane. And it's not that I don't want to live forever, it's just that I can imagine no longer wanting that and having no choice forever and that seems worse than taking my chances with whatever Eru has planned for men."

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"I guess that depends on what you think of Eru's planning skills."

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"'forever with no choice about it' is something Eru planned, too. And planned knowing he'd planned Melkor. I'd rather my life be happy than infinite."

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Nod.

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Hug.

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Hug. "What-all is going on around here?"

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"Uh, the Valar are holding things together so everyone can evacuate, they're trying to figure out what to do about - uh, Lírnith and Rirosseth, they're pardoning everyone else, they assumed everyone'd take them up on the pardon and return to Valinor but a lot of people are going southeast instead..."

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"Doesn't astound me. What are the - the options they're considering about Rirosseth and Lírnith?"

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"Uh. Well. They retrieved the Silmarils and they've said that by their actions the House of Fëanáre has forfeited their claim to the Silmarils and they're expecting them to object."

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"...that's an interesting way to handle property rights but if they in fact don't object -?"

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"Then I have no idea."

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Annie bounces this information to Rirosseth.

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I mean, I'm not impressed, but they won't have the fight they're looking for. ...you can ask them who to suggest de-oathing orcs to?

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Okay. "Who should I talk to about de-oathing orcs, do you think?"

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"...Eönwë? Probably? She's the herald of Manwë, she's sort of running incarnate-related things..."

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"Okay. Where is she?"

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Grand shimmery tents, thataway.

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Annie goes thataway.

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There are people at the edges of the grand shimmery tents. They ask her business.

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Deep breath. "I have otherworldly magic and can release people from oaths. I would like to speak to Eonwë about freeing the orcs."

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They look flabbergasted. They usher her in. Eönwë is a little too big to be a person, and glowy in a way her sense will fail to catch. "Yes, child?"

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Annie repeats the bit about the otherworldly magic and that she would like to free orcs with it.

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He squints at her. "I see. The orcs are almost all dead and in Mandos' keeping; it might be difficult to put them somewhere where you can do this for them."

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"I do need to touch them to do it," she acknowledges.

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"Perhaps some living ones can still be found. As a test."

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"Okay. It does have a potential side effect which I thought was too dangerous to risk while the Enemy was active but isn't such a disaster with her out of the picture. Sometimes people subjected to this particular power become fixated on another person they know or who is around them at the time. I can't direct that. It seems most likely to leave orcs attached to other orcs."

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"Will it affect married people?"

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"I don't know. I haven't tried it on anyone married."

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"With orcs it probably does not matter. It would be devastating for married Elves. I do not know if orcs even marry."

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"I'm not going to try it on any Elves who don't want me to."

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Nod. "I will see if some orcs can be rounded up."

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"Thank you."

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It takes them a few weeks. Most orcs are fleeing.

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Annie will go out and camp with Rirosseth and Lírnith during this interval.

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As soon as Annie comes back she gets hugged. I'm so glad you're safe.

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I hope you're safe too, I hope they'll leave you alone when you don't give them the fight over the Silmarils they're expecting...

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I'm so sick of them. It seems so - calculated, not giving them back, like they couldn't decide what to do with us so they decided to force us to let them kill us -

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It's fucked up. And the idea that it would be challenging to get me someplace I could de-oath orcs - like, even if Mandos can only do reembodiments in Valinor it is not actually that it would challenge them to let me be there -

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Unless he picked up that you wouldn't want to go without me - you should, if they'll let you, you'll age slower in Valinor and we'll come surrender once we have a cure to death -

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You didn't come up at all - how would Eonwë notice -?

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I don't think he could or I'd have said, but if we were married he could see that, I don't know if this magic does any soul things...

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But if we were married Elves could see that too, right?

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Yes. So probably can't tell.

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Nod.

I know it makes sense to go without you if they invite me to Valinor but I will hate it so much.

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I know. Me too. But having you for all eternity is more important.

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Sigh. Lean.

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Hug. 

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And there is news about the twins getting to decide whether to be Elves or humans and their disagreement on that to go over too.

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"Oh no."

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"Yeah."

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"Because I want to die -"

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"I didn't have the impression it was just you influencing her."

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"But it contributed."

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...well, yeah, but Annie is not going to say that.

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"Maybe if we figure out a way for humans to live forever she'll take that."

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"Maybe. It sounds like she'll still have a long time, won't be all the way human lifespanwise."

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"That's good, I'm sure they're going to get it eventually."

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"I really hope so."

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Squeeze.

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Snuggle.

Waiting for orcs.

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Orcs are found. 

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And Annie goes in and says hello to the orcs and explains what she's doing. She's not particularly expecting enthusiastic consent but being blindsided is no fun.

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They - aren't exactly resisting? They scowl at her but more nervously than with any hostility.

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Well, maybe the others will be less nervous if she does one first? Tap. On, off.

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The orc does not fall in love with anyone. 

"She's telling the truth," it tells the other orcs in a language Annie hasn't heard before (but of course understands perfectly).

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Now hopefully the others will be less scowly? She goes and taps those.

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One of them gasps suddenly and tries to wretch itself free to go looking for someone. None of the others do. After a minute a few of them tentatively insult Melkor under their breath, then start crying.

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"Who do you need to find?" Annie murmurs to the one orc.

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"I don't even know if he's still alive - he has to be, he has to be alive - but I can't lead the Elves to him they'll kill him -"

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"If he's not alive the Valar might still reembody him and I can de-oath him too, okay?"

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"Oh. Oh. Okay. ...the Elf-gods hate orcs, they won't - won't let him -"

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"The Valar brought you here so I could take your oath off," Annie says. "They might do that with more orcs too."

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"I just need him to be okay."

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"I know. I have one of those too. I'll do my very best."

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Word gets out that Annie can free orcs of their oaths.

 

 

And the joyous host starts singing.

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fuck

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Fuck -

 

She starts running. Everybody stop singing you're torturing her she's allergic to music -

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People are - confused. Frightened. Some scatter. Some stop singing. Not all of them.

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The trumpets were enough exposure that Annie can keep her eyes open through the pain if she focuses - "Please -" she croaks - where are the twins the twins know about the music thing -

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Annie Annie Annie they're hurting Annie she leaps and shoves and screams "shut up" at anyone who's singing and then here's Annie, here's Annie and the confused Elves are finally stopping singing -

 

Someone in the crowd draws a sword and swings it wildly at her head. 

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Leaving Annie perfectly lucid for the moment when it connects, just a fraction of a second too late to get in the way of the weapon.

She pounces on Rirosseth with healing come on come on -

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Healing doesn't go, because Annie's not touching a person.

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Annie can't think of anything else to do but sit there trying, anyway, even though she can tell there is no heartbeat no breathing no nothing -

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Eventually people crowd around trying to piece together what happened.

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Annie is not in a condition to be of very much help there.

Annie is focusing on grief instead of total berserker rage because if she leaps at the person with the sword and gouges their eyes out and banishes them to another universe that will probably interfere with her ability to get Rirosseth back so she is just holding Rirosseth's hand, kneeling on the ground, holding very still, incapable even of tears, they would be so pathetically inadequate -

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Luckily everyone is sufficiently confused about whether this is a grief-worthy death that they do not sing.

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They killed her, Annie eventually recovers enough to tell Lírnith. They were singing and she came in to get me and someone killed her.

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What?

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They killed her and it was too fast and I can't fix it and she's dead

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What - what do you need -

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I need her to be alive how do I do that help

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There is no way that is ever happening.

 

Mandos. Uh, stay calm - I'd come but it sounds like I shouldn't do that - stay calm and ask Eönwë if you can go to Valinor, now that there's proof of concept, and go help Mandos heal all the orcs - we've got forever, we've got forever and she's got the mental opacity so Mandos can't tamper with her -

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I am being very calm I have not sent that person to a random universe missing important body parts even a little bit

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I killed the people who betrayed us to Morgoth in the Nirnaeth, it doesn't help, doesn't make anything feel any better - she's okay, she's safe, what she needs is for you to make best friends with the Valar and Celebrendes and the Dwarves to invent immortality and she will be okay and you will get her back -

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Uh-huh

I don't know how to make friends with Valar

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We didn't exactly do a great job. Um. I'm sorry, I can't think right now - can you get clear of there -

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And go where

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Back here, out to to sea a bit, I don't know, I'm scared they're going to burst into song again -

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Annie slowly lets Rirosseth's hand out of hers.

She slowly stands up, wobbling. She borrows Lírnith's eyes to navigate.

She takes extremely deliberate steps out of the host of the Valar to where the little camp is set up.

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She is sitting there, very still. She can sing once Annie's stable, she can sing for all the rest of time -

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Annie sits down.

And curls up in a ball on the ground.

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Yeah. She stays there a while longer, makes sure they weren't followed, then - I'm going to go out of your earshot -

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okay

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She walks down the coast and she closes her eyes and she sings. About a little girl braiding her baby sister's hair because both parents were too busy, a little girl who knew she was cute and deftly leveraged it to distract from her mother's discomfited hostility towards their people, a little girl with a gift for faces, so many of them, laughing ones and solemn ones and too-old-for-her-years ones and wholly persuasive expressions of innocence. About a big sister teaching six children in a row to read, blanketing them all with uncomplicated adoration, a solemn young woman who made Tirion hers and protected everyone in it fiercely and impulsively and inexhaustibly, the princess that everyone knew would be their queen. About the way she'd smile at people, the way they'd smile when she passed them, about the hunger for names and faces and understanding that drove her to every Essecarmë and every reading and every performance, about the way she wound herself into every quarrel and unwound it, innocent, charming, earning and hoarding their trust, treasuring and improving their lives.

About the pardon of Melkor, and the anxious patience with which they'd all greeting the news, naive as they were, hopeful as they were, more anxious and less hopeful as Melkor deftly kept herself from ever meeting Tirion's charming brilliant princess who was an impeccable judge of character. About the lies that built up around them like snowdrifts in a blizzard, faster than Nelya could untangle them even though they melted before her smile, about screaming matches under stunning silver skies and paranoia and panic and terror and death and despair and words spoken in desperation -

- Alqualondë, Losgar, the way the fated arc of the world had dragged her from violence to violence and shoved her to her knees at her dying mother's side and then ripped her from there into the nightmare she never escaped -

-Rirosseth - for no one would call her Maitimë anymore -  emaciated and twisted and broken and bleeding, ripped out of Angband, this is what it was like to watch her learn again to lie -

- and five hundred years of a patient stubborn heroism the cost of which no one could fathom - she sings about Himring, its watchful windows opening north where Rirosseth could see the Enemy, building a civilization and besieging the Enemy and pretending and pretending and pretending until the whole house of cards folded in fire and it became so achingly apparent that Rirosseth's only regret was that she was still strong enough, still fast enough, still loved enough, to hold back the flames - 

- the Nirnaeth, the uncountable dead, the slow bleak closing in of the end of the world, the arc of history grabbing her again like a rag doll and dragging her through Doriath and Sirion, leaving only blood and horror in her wake and only hatred as her legacy -

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Annie borrows her ears. She can't be near the music but she can listen.

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She's glad someone's listening. She can't get it right, not improvising. She goes over it again and again and again.

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Eventually Annie is wrung out enough to actually cry.

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She is going to do this - forever, actually, probably, can't think of anything else to do - but if Annie shows signs of wanting to talk first she'll stop temporarily.

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Nope Annie's going to cry until she falls asleep right there on the ground curled up in a ball.

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Then she will keep on singing.

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Annie can't sleep forever.

She wakes up.

She borrows Lírnith's ears again. Still singing.

Annie can't just listen to songs forever because she has to make best friends with Mandos.

...she will listen to songs and notebook and try to wrestle her brain into a shape where it is remotely at all possible to make friends with someone who is literally right that minute holding Rirosseth prisoner.

Well. It's more doable than it should be because if she doesn't Rirosseth will stay there and if she pulls it off maybe she will be alive again.

When Annie goes tentatively back toward the host of the Valar - she doesn't even need Lírnith to look at the way for her, she remembers it all right having traversed it a few times now - she is solemn but not weeping, no more unsteady than she usually is, capable of getting to a point where she's pretty sure she wouldn't "hear" anything short of those fucking trumpets. She can publicize a thought for anyone who might be listening: Excuse me, is anyone singing or otherwise producing music right now?

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This is a host of Elves; lots of people are. Someone confirms this for her.

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Does anyone know where the twins are, she can't osanwë them herself.

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Someone osanwës the twins for her. They come to find her. "Annie?"

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"Hi. Did you - hear what happened -"

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"Yeah. Are you - you're not -"

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"I'm not okay but the plan is still de-oath orcs and see if the Valar will be reasonable about - things. I have gotten better at functioning sort of when I'm being allergic but not enough that I can do that if people don't get it, I might need to set up somewhere else. If Mandos will reembody any orcs for me or if they find more living ones."

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"We've been trying to explain to people but they're Elves, it's like asking them to stop breathing - we could probably clear the way for you to go ask Eonwë's leave to go to Valinor, if you want to do that?"

"She already disposed of the body," Elian adds neutrally.

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The body's not important. "Do you think that would impress Eonwë more than asking by osanwë?"

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"Yeah, you're not supposed to osanwë important people because if everyone did that then they'd be getting interrupted all the time."

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"Then I would appreciate it if you'd clear me a path."

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They clear her a path.

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And she goes in.

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And Eönwë says "child! We greet with joy the news that you can free orcs from the yoke of their evilly-sworn oaths to Melkor."

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yes how about you continue callously not mentioning the thing where someone was murdered in front of Annie yesterday that seems like it will work out best for everyone.

"I would have stayed longer to discuss the implications but unfortunately one of my otherworldly magics has the downside of an allergy to music. If there's music within human earshot of me I can't function." You tortured me a lot with those fucking trumpets and it made Rirosseth sad. "So when everyone started singing about it I had to leave as soon as there was enough of a lull that I could walk again. But I would like very much to help more orcs be free of their oaths."

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"What a terrible curse," he says something resembling sympathetically. "I expect that that can be arranged, and that if it is beyond Estë and Lórien to alter your suffering in the presence of music then it can be arranged you need not experience it."

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"I can borrow others' ears to listen to music and that doesn't hurt me," Annie says, because of course the important thing here is that Annie have an adequate dose of singing in her life, "I just can't be near it. It will make it slightly more logistically inconvenient for me to continue removing oaths from orcs, but I'm sure it can be managed. Do you think it would be possible for me to go to Valinor and work there? My understanding is that there are a great many orcs and that my lifetime might not naturally suffice but that Valinor would give me more time."

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"I will bring your petition before the Valar. It is not usually permitted."

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"Thank you very much."

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"Do you have shelter and food, child?"

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"I've been camping away from here and there's food there for a while longer." She's not actually sure she needs to eat. She woke up from being strangled for a week hungry but not weak or emaciated. It's a pretty good healing factor, it'd be awesome around anyone other than Elves. "It's probably better if I don't try to stay here. It would inconvenience people to be asked to stop singing."

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"Then I will send for you when the Valar reach their conclusion."

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"Thank you. May I ask how the orcs from yesterday are doing?"

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"They have been taken into custody so they can be removed to some location where they will not threaten other peoples."

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"One of them experienced the side effect I mentioned. If it's possible to prioritize finding the other orc they were missing that would be good. I didn't get a name."

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"Orcs are making themselves difficult to find, under the circumstances. But it can be attempted."

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"The other orc might be dead already."

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"In that case it will need to be determined whether you can rescue orcs in Mandos."

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"I expect I can if they are reembodied."

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"Mandos cannot reembody the unwilling or the unworthy."

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"Can she exclude the effects of the oaths themselves in" being an asshole about "distinguishing those from others?"

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"I do not know. I would not expect that she can reembody those who are currently bent towards ill, even if being so inclined is not their fault, but perhaps to prevent much needless suffering an exception can be made."

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"I don't know of any way around the requirement that I touch people to transfer magic to them, but perhaps there is a way."

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"Perhaps somehow she can embody them in part, enough for you to interact with them but not enough to transgress her obligations."

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Nod.

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"Do you require anything else?"

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"I believe that's everything. Thank you for your time."

And she bows and backs out and asks the twins if the way's still clear.

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It is. Does she want a hug?

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Yes please.

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They're taller than her now. They both hug her. 

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It doesn't help very much. It helps a little in that Rirosseth would probably if asked want Annie to be getting hugged, though.

And Annie goes back to the little camp and makes herself eat something instead of choosing this occasion to experiment with her starvation tolerance.

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Two months pass before Eönwë summons her.

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Annie has nothing to do but no desire to do anything so that works out okay.

She checks path-clearness before approaching the host closely.

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Elves have been told to go farther away from her before they sing. The path is clear.

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She goes to Eonwë. Bows.

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"Mandos desires very much to help the orcs, and does not see exactly how this can be done while acting rightly but is willing to extend to you an invitation to attempt to assist her."

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"That is good to hear."

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"You may choose to live in Valinor, but if you so choose you may not later leave."

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Annie has all kinds of questions about that but it is probably better to put them off until after Rirosseth is alive and figure it out then after priority number one is handled and for that she needs the extra time. "I would prefer to live in Valinor. Thank you for the invitation."

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"You are welcome. The next ships for Valinor depart in two weeks' time."

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"Will any of the ships be safe for me to be on?"

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"...someone could probably arrange for you to sleep for the duration of the journey?"

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"That can be accomplished without singing to begin with?"

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"Certainly."

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"Then that will work. Alternately I could fly an airplane."

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"That would require that we consult again to consider whether we should protect Valinor against airplanes."

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"I see. I don't wish to distract you. Keeping me asleep on a boat will be fine."

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"May you be the instrument by which Eru redeems his lost children."

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"I hope so." Eonwë no idea how much she hopes so.

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And a boat is prepared to take the victorious host back to Valinor. 

 

Lírnith assures her that as soon as immortality is developed they'll get it onto a boat and come and find her with it.

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"Thank you."

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"Of course. I - hope it all works out okay."

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"Me too."

Hug.

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Hug. "I'll see you soon, okay? As soon as they have immortality working. Probably sooner than Rirosseth manages to charm her way out of Mandos but maybe not."

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"Okay," echoes Annie.

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"You should look for my dad. He'll be helpful."

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"How do I find your dad?"

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"I have no idea, it's been nearly six hundred years - ask around, I guess...."

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"What's his name?"

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"Istarno."

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"Okay. - how much should I tell him?"

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"You ever wonder where Rirosseth got the people skills from, it not being our mother? It would surprise me if he didn't figure it out."

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"...okay. But is there anything I should cover up front -?"

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"It's been so long - my guess is that he'll ask for what he needs to know."

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"Okay."

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Hug.

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Hug.

"They said I wouldn't be allowed to leave Valinor."

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"Not surprised."

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"If nothing else I might be able to make the Ice between the healing and the weird sense and the being too warm."

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"Valinor's not actually terrible. We only left because we thought we could make a difference out here."

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"I know. But - if they brought her back but wouldn't have her there - and there was immortality all ready to go -"

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"Yeah, definitely. We'll figure out how to make sure you two are in the same place."

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Nod.

"Thank you for everything."

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"Thank you for loving my sister."

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Sigh. "You're welcome."

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And they have a ship and they have a Maia who can knock Annie unconscious.

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Then Annie will not experience much of the ship; she will just curl up next to her box of notebooks and sleep.

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She wakes up in the most beautiful place in the world, most of the beauty of which she cannot appreciate as it is well outside her range. It's a dock. She has been carried out of the boat and set on a bundle of fabric to sleep.

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Cozy.

Is there anybody she recognizes around?

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No; all strangers. 

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"Excuse me," she murmurs, "does anyone know where I'm supposed to go?"

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Who is she looking for?

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Well, if she was supposed to be somewhere in particular to talk to Mandos about orcs that's where she's going. Failing that, could anyone direct her to Istarno?

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Oh, she wants Tirion. (They are not exactly friendly about this.) Tirion is due west.

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Which way is west?

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Away from the ocean.

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...about how far?

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Five hundred miles?

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Is there a better way than walking to get there?

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She could get in a wagon. Or get a horse.

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A wagon would be great. She is not very good at horse. Also she has this box of notebooks.

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The person would be delighted to find her a wagon. They do that. This one is leaving for Tirion soon, so in a few days.

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That should be fine.

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A few days pass. Annie can get food from stands in the streets, if she bothers wandering the streets.

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It still does not seem like the right time to test her starvation tolerance. She will save that for some particularly excruciating setback when she is looking for dramatic outlets she can sort of vaguely justify. So she eats.

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And then her wagon is ready to leave. 

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She sits in it. She is polite to the driver.

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It is a leisurely trip. The driver takes breaks to go out of earshot and sing. 

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It's very considerate of them to remember to go out of earshot. Annie thanks them.

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And eventually they reach Tirion. She's looking for Istarno? The driver can take her to his house. It's just outside the city. 

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Yes, thank you, that's very kind.

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It's a beautiful house. There are statues of children in the gardens out front.

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Annie lacks the relevant capacities to mistake statues for people.

She knocks on the door.

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The door opens. 

 

"Oh," he says, "oh no, please come in."

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...even assuming all of Rirosseth's people skills were copied directly in some inferior form from this man that is still a lot of figuring to do on very little information unless word has gotten around awfully fast?

Annie steps in.

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"I'm going to make some tea, would you like any?"

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"Okay."

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"Food to go with it?"

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"Okay."

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He makes tea and little wraps and he brings them to the table and sits down. "I'm Istarno. You are welcome here."

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"I'm Annie. Thank you." She stirs her tea a lot before sipping it. Too hot.

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"The girls' rooms are all how they left them. Do you want to stay in hers?"

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Nod.

"What did you even hear -"

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"I haven't heard anything, we don't get couriers from Alqualondë very often. But I - know what it was like to love my wife and I can recognize someone who is in love with one of my daughters. And I don't suppose it will help any to tell you that love isn't supposed to hurt so badly."

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"No, it really won't."

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"Do you want to talk about what happened?"

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"I - I suppose you ought to know. It's - more complicated than it looks - by a lot -"

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"Are any of my children alive?"

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"Lírnith is. Unless something's happened since I got on the boat."

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"Thank you. All right. What -"

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"- I'm from an entirely different world. It's got - only humans, no other sapient species and no Valar - and different magic. Instead of all the music and the - oh um, I'm, allergic to music, if there's any within human hearing range of me it's very painful, I can leave sometimes to let you sing, I'm sorry I know it's inconvenient - um, instead of magic music and magic Ainur and magic items that people just make, there's artifacts. If you touch an artifact it does things to you, one good thing and one bad thing, usually permanent, sometimes a one-time effect."

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"...okay."

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"And there was an accident on my way to school one day and six of them hit me."

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"Six of them."

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"Yeah. Some of the stuff was obvious right away. I'm blind and deaf except that I can speak and understand and read and write arbitrary languages, so I can hear speech and see text, and if people sign I get visible flashes of that too. The blindness and deafness - and also no sense of smell, it was all three together - come with a weird sense that goes about a hundred yards in all directions pretty crisply and fades out from there, I can tell where things are and density and texture and stuff like that. The languages comes with faceblindness, which was hard to notice because of the actual blindness. I'm too hot all the time and I have no idea what that even goes with, something good but apparently not very good." She stirs her tea a little more. "The music allergy goes with a pretty good healing factor. It'd be more convenient in my world than here - it keeps - being a problem here -" She forces down a bite of the food, composes herself. "One of the artifacts sent me to Arda, and it lets me give out pairs-of-effects to other people if I touch them, and take them back again, they're only permanent for me. And the sixth one does - mental opacity - I didn't have to learn to distinguish private thoughts, that's how we figured it out when I mentioned there weren't Elves in my world such that I could've learned it there - and - and the way I've been describing it is that it also sometimes not always I don't even know what the filtering criteria are also causes a psychological - obsession - with another person -"

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"I see."

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"- so I landed very badly injured from the accident but healing, extremely confused, in a refugee camp, that was promptly massacred for a Silmaril that was there, and fell in love with Rirosseth."

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"Sorry, who is Rirosseth?"

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"- she doesn't like her birth name anymore. Your eldest."

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"...thank you. Rirosseth. All right. So you landed somewhere they attacked because of their oath, and fell in love - and vice versa, or -"

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"It didn't do anything to her, she hadn't touched the artifact. And she wanted to know where I was from and what I was doing there and before I could explain very much Lírnith started singing but we didn't know then what the trigger was so I was just kept unconscious for the next week until all the singing for the dead was over."

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"...was kept unconscious -"

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"She kind of had to continuously strangle me for a week - checked occasionally to see if when I healed I'd stop screaming - I didn't - eventually she fell asleep and they'd stopped singing then."

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"Okay."

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"...and then more explaining happened in both directions and we figured out the music problem and some of the other pairs and I didn't have anything else to do so I stayed in their fortress and tried not to mention the whole magically in love thing but she noticed."

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"She does that."

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"She didn't take it all that well and Lírnith ran interference -

- and then Lírnith wanted to test the effect and she did and she didn't get stuck on anyone while she had it and it got rid of the oath."

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"Oh. Praised be, uh, something."

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"...yeah. But we didn't tell Rirosseth that either - the oath wasn't making her do anything at the time and it would've scared her - and we went and moved into a Dwarf city, it was expensive but I paid them with ideas for technology from my world and translations and handing out some of the effects - and then after a while she figured that out too - and we still didn't know how it filtered, it could have been almost anything - and she said she'd try it - and it matched -"

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"So now the two of you are magically in love? Are you, ah, compatible?"

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"That sort of depends on what you mean exactly."

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"Okay. Are you happy?"

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"...she's dead," Annie reminds him.

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"Not forever."

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"I'm a human, the Dwarves and Celebrendes were working on immortality but they didn't finish - and the Valar do not like her at all - but I hope not forever, I'm, I'm working on that."

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"Okay. What do you need?"

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"I need the Valar to like me enough to let her come back. Without having to have it explained why, probably. I can de-oath orcs and I have more time in Valinor than I would out of it and I don't know if that's enough -"

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"In general it's not up to the petitions of the living, but I take it she'll also be cooperating as much as she can. I - I think you'll need more than a human lifetime, even in Valinor, but if anyone can invent immortality it's my granddaughter."

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"She's brilliant."

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"Yes. Takes after her grandmother, that way."

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"I've heard that."

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"Well, I will be honored to have you as a guest while all that gets straightened out, though once it is and you have her back you might want to move south, it's more liberal."

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"Okay. Thank you very much."

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"Of course. I hope it is all resolved quickly."

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"Me too. I don't even know where - they were going to try to figure something out where I could touch the orcs to transfer the magic without them having to be fully reembodied because that's important for some reason, I don't know how to find out if there's something Mandos is ready to try there or where to go to ask -"

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"I could go with you to Taniquetil in a week, we can ask - we could also petition the Valar to extend your life but it might be wisest to bother one of them about that individually, rather than ask at Taniquetil -"

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"Okay. Which one?"

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"I know Aulë best."

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"Okay. Before or after going to Taniquetil?"

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"I've never met a mortal before, how urgent is it?"

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"I'm almost forty at this point. I'd normally expect to live to be somewhere between seventy-five and ninety if I died of old age and not accident, with the healing factor I can probably break a hundred if not a hundred twenty, and Valinor's supposed to slow me down all by itself..."

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"By a factor of ten, yes. We should probably petition Aulë first."

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"Okay."

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"What can I do for you in the meantime?"

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"I - don't really have anything else I do with my time, at the moment - except take a lot of notes, I'll need more notebooks eventually - I don't know - which room is hers, is it that one -" She guesses and points.

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"Yes. How -"

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"The whole house is in range of the weird sense that goes through stuff. But I was mostly guessing."

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"They left here Years before they left the continent, it should be nice and tidy."

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"Yeah."

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"Please let me know if you need anything."

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"Thank you. Um, in theory I know how to cook and stuff - I haven't in a while because the people around me tended to sing while doing it and it wasn't a one-person job but - if there are things I can do to help out."

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"I mostly just eat off the trees when I'm in the middle of a project, so you'll be well-served by knowing how to cook if you want more variety than that. Are there things you'd like to know about Valinor or anything?"

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"Probably - I don't know enough to know what I need to know, I read a lot but it tended to assume background information I didn't have -"

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"Makes sense. So there were three tribes of Elves beside Cuivienen and they settled in Valinor separately - the Vanyar in Valimar, which is built into the mountains around Taniquetil, the Teleri in Alqualondë - the Noldor mostly aren't welcome there because of the Kinslaying - and the Noldor here in Tirion. Then various people who were dissatisfied went to found their own cities. Tirion has less than a quarter of the population it had before the war, and it is ruled by my brother-in-law, Arafinwë, who did not depart Valinor with his family. Carrying weapons is prohibited but there are no other laws I can imagine you running afoul of. If you need things you can go and get them in the city, or ask me to get them for you, there's probably always people singing."

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"That artifact is going to be so popular in my world and it is so inconvenient here. I'm not in the habit of carrying weapons around."

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"Then you should be all set. You can feel free to interrupt me when you think of things to ask, if they come up - and there's a library, across the hall, but mostly a very dated one..."

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"Thank you."

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"Of course."

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"I'm glad Lírnith told me to find you."

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"Me too. It is hard to imagine what they've been through or guess how they feel about - everythng that came before the war.

 

Valinor is a perfectly safe place to wander around homeless but certainly no one should need to."

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"It's probably also easier to put up a couple signs and let a finite set of neighbors know about the singing thing than to just wander around like that."

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"That too. You and Mait- Rirosseth can just set up out of earshot of the neighbors, down south, they build everything into the side of the cliffs."

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"That'll work." That's so much nicer to think about than any of the intervening time, which consists mostly of empty anguish and question marks.

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"You'll like it there, it's lovely." He sends a mental image.

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"It's beautiful. Not that I was expecting Elves to live anywhere that wasn't."

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"We need it. That and song. I - hope Mandos understands us well enough to create nice Halls of waiting."

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"I hope so too. Does she - ever pass messages -"

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"She can. I don't think she does often, but I can certainly think of occasions."

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"...Is there an excuse that sounds less planning-to-move-south for why I would want messages passed."

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"...it's fine to love her very dearly if it's not the kind that would involve kisses."

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"Okay."

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"I'm sorry. I hope that's at least helpful."

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"It's - not principally about kissing or anything anyway -" Shrug.

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"Is she okay - I mean, aside from being dead -"

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"...I kind of had to pretend she was or we'd get into stupid feedback loops all the time."

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"Oh."

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"...yeah. Um, if you really want to know I can probably - she's not here to feedback-loop about it -"

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"I have all the time in the world. I want you to do what you need, now, until you have her back, and in a couple thousand years once all the dust has settled and you two are happy then I can indulge my curiosity."

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"Okay. Thank you."

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"Of course. You look exhausted. Do you want to rest a while?"

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"Probably a good idea."

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"All right. Get some sleep. I'll be in my workshop."

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Nod. "Thank you." She finishes her tea and goes up to Rirosseth's old room. Curls up in Rirosseth's old bed.

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It's a tidy room, pretty, with flowering trees right outside the window. 

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Annie closes her eyes and "watches" the trees sway in the wind and eventually falls asleep.

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When she wakes up the house is still quiet and the trees are still swaying.

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She should probably eat. Contents of kitchen?

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There's bread! There's cuts of meat. There's vegetables and fruits and spreads. Everything is just - out on the countertop.

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She vaguely remembers hearing about Valinor not having decay. Since it's also supposed to have every species she is not sure where the mold lives but perhaps "every species" is an exaggeration. She goes and has some food. She goes into the library and browses and picks something and kills time.

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Valinor makes it very very easy to kill time.

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That's pretty nice under the circumstances.

She eats when she gets hungry. She reads. She notebooks. Bits of it are expressly addressed to Rirosseth for when she's back.

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And after a few weeks he says "it is a good time to go talk to Aulë."

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"Okay. Where is she?"

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"About a day's ride from here - we can take a wagon if that's easier -"

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"It would be. It would've been too convenient for one of my artifacts to make me less prone to falling down."

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"There are rings of grace, I'll look into getting you one from the city."

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"Thank you."

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"Of course." And they set off for Aulë's.

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"If there's a way to de-oath the orcs that Mandos likes well enough it'd work on all your other kids and your wife too but I don't know what it does to married Elves at all."

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"...I expect that even de-oathed there is no chance the Valar'd let her ever return to life."

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"Maybe not."

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"Rirosseth has the incentive and the capacity to try to charm Mandos into forgiving her. Fëanáre -"

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Nod.

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Annie doesn't have much else to say for the rest of the trip.

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And they reach Aulë's. It is, like many of Valinor's sights, too palatial and spacious for Annie to appreciate properly. Istarno announces them, and then the air pressure builds and there's static on her skin.

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It's not pleasant, but few things about Annie's life these days are pleasant. She keeps a neutral expression on her face.

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And Istarno asks if Aulë can make her immortal. Aulë says that she would need to consult Eru on that.

 

 

 

Eru says that there is a divine plan for Annie and that it does not involve the Valar making her immortal. Aulë conveys this, with her regrets, and asks if there's anything else.

 

...Istarno wonders if Aulë could make Annie less hot all the time, maybe.

 

Aulë does not need to consult Eru on that one. She tries something.

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"...still hot," says Annie.

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Aulë tries something else.

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"- that helps. What is it?"

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"It just makes your immediate surroundings very very cold all the time - I might want to do 'except people and except things you're holding', so you can hug people..."

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"Yes please. If it'd be possible to fade it out if I ever do go somewhere very cold that would be nice too."

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She concentrates. "There you go."

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"Thank you very much. ...I'm also allergic to music and it makes it hard to go places."

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"It seems that I can't alter the effects, just the senses you interact with - I could make you deaf? Or able to selectively become deaf?"

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"I'm actually already deaf. Except for speech. Which doesn't make a difference, lyricless music hurts just as much. But it responds to sound insulation - what seems to matter is whether I would be able to hear it where I am if I weren't deaf."

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"I could make you able to selectively insulate the area around you?"

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"Selectively how?"

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"By thinking about it, probably, with some work."

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"I often can't think straight once there's already music happening."

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"I could have it on all the time, and you could turn it off if you desired to have a conversation aloud for some reason?"

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"If it would fade back in if I stopped suppressing it that sounds ideal."

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"I can do that. It may take some time. Do you care to sit down?"

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"Yes please. Thank you." Sit.

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And she works for most of the afternoon - this doesn't look like anything, though occasionally the air pressure fluctuates - and then says "all set, I should expect."

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"- it might be a good idea to test it -"

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He sings something.

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"Works," she says.

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Aulë laughs delightedly. It's a little inhuman.

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"Thank you very much," she says again.

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"My pleasure. May it make your stay in Valinor more comfortable."

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"It will."

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"I hope you will find happiness here."

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"I hope so too."

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And they return home.

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"Thanks for bringing me."

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"My pleasure. I'm sorry she couldn't make you immortal."

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"I am very nervous about Eru having a plan for me, I was hoping she hadn't noticed I existed or something."

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"An understandable desire."

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"And apparently it doesn't involve the Valar making me immortal."

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"Possible it involves someone else making you immortal."

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"I hope so."

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"She did very specifically say 'does not involve the Valar making you immortal' not 'does not involve you becoming immortal'."

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"How promising should I find that?"

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"I expect that that's a meaningful difference and something will make you immortal but I don't expect it too strongly."

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"Okay."

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"Taniquetil next?"

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"Yeah. Thank you."

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"Of course."


They go to Taniquetil.

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It's a long trip. It is very boring. Annie writes notes and letters-to-Rirosseth and does not complain about being bored.

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Which is good, because aside from singing he doesn't know how to make a journey pass faster. Though singing is safe now, it still doesn't help.

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Well, it doesn't help Annie. It might help Istarno.

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Slightly. They reach the mountain. They climb the mountain.

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This is really not an activity designed for Annie. She gamely attempts it.

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Should have grabbed the ring of grace first, but that would have meant more delays.

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And apparently the Valar are not going to make her immortal so she can't super afford that.

Climb climb.

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Eventually they reach an overlook where fourteen seats sit in a ring. Istarno announces her, and the air pressure spikes again, and a voice says Welcome, Annie of another world. 

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...bow. "H-hello."

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We rejoice to have your aid in healing Melkor's marring of the world.

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"Thank you for the opportunity to help."

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"You need to be able to touch the orcs?"

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"As far as I know that's a hard limit on the effect but Aulë was able to work around a couple of drawbacks that were troubling me so it may be that this one can be worked around too."

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"We could partially reembody orcs for de-oathing."

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"That seems like it might work."

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"What conditions will you need to work in?"

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"It would be most convenient if I could commute every day from Istarno's but if that's intractable for some reason all I need are eight hours of sleep a day and human-typical amounts of food and water and some downtime to write."

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"...we could probably arrange for Mandos to be a day's commute from Istarno's."  

 

A pause. "Yes, that can be done."

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"Thank you."

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They arrange a method; there will be a portal from outside Istarno's house to Mandos, where she can de-oath orcs.

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That will work nicely.

"What became of the orcs I first de-oathed?"

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"We have not yet decided what to do with orcs that have been healed; for those orcs there was much still to heal. They are working now with Mandos. ...Mandos has found a way to enable contact between dead orcs who are magically bonded."

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...so you killed them? "I'm sure putting them in touch came as a great relief."

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"It did. Did you have further questions?"

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"If the partial reembodiment turns out not to work what's the next thing to be tried?"

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"Reembodying them fully, I suppose."

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Nod. "Is there any particular schedule on which I will be expected?"

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"No."

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"Would it be possible for me to pass a message to Rirosseth?"

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"Certainly. What do you want to say?"

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"That I'm all right, and I found her father and he's taken me in, and Aulë was kind enough to patch the allergy and the warmth, and I'll be working on the orcs."

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"I will convey that."

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"Thank you." And I love her and I miss her but she knows that and I don't know what will make it obvious that there was kissing -

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The air pressure returns to normal and someone else approaches for an audience.

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Annie goes and rejoins Istarno.

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"How'd it go?"

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"You didn't hear? It - it went well. I think they killed all the orcs I de-oathed - but the one who was stuck on another one can talk to them now - and they're going to put a portal near your house so I can come and go - and Mandos let me pass Rirosseth a message -"

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"That sounds about as good as one can expect, really."

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"Yeah."

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"I hope it's fulfilling work."

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"Honestly it's the sort of thing I'd want to be doing anyway and it's not complicated enough to be really hard to do while I'm sort of. Reduced in scope."

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"Can't do ambitious stuff while she's gone?"

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"I probably could but it's harder to... think the right way..."

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"That sounds upsetting. I'm sorry."

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"It would bother me more if this wasn't in fact the sort of thing I'd want to do," Annie sighs. "But it is, I'm the only person who can do it and it needs done."

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"And hopefully by the time it's done she'll have talked her way out."

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Nod nod. "- I wonder if Mandos will let her send messages back - or if that would burn social capital or something to try -"

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"I bet she'll have good instincts for what to risk, whatever the answer is."

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"Yeah."

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And they return home.

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And Annie rests and eats and goes looking for a portal to go through.

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It's all set up as Mandos promised.

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She goes through.

Partially embodied orcs work as long as they're solid enough to rest a hand on.

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They are. There are a lot of them.

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That's okay. She brought a book. Has Mandos already explained the possible side effect or does she need to do that part?

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Mandos is confusing when she tries to explain things.

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Okay. Annie explains it. Maybe Mandos can just relay her exact words to all the orcs at once so Annie does not have to say it millions of times.

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Mandos can do that.

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Annie repeats the warning she gave the live orcs, before.

And then starts her work.

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There are a lot of orcs. Millions. Mandos relays Annie's messages and relays some back for her. I remember you fondly, Rirosseth will say, and desire to atone for my errors in life that I might return to it, and hope that your hours are filled with joy in the meantime.

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Annie's hours are filled with orcs, and books, and writing love letters in otherworldly languages which she would never dream of dictating to Mandos. She dictates to Mandos shorter, less incriminating things, subdued, thin veneers of text over mountains of subtext. Annie is the perfect diligent servant of the bliss of Valinor and ever so dedicated to repairing the harm Melkor did -

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The Valar raise an island for Elian and the Men who fought in the War of Wrath. They make them longer-lived and prettier and taller and more Elf-like than other Men, as a special divine blessing. They explain to them that they must never come to Valinor for the mortals ought not to aspire to things the gods did not intend them to have. Elian has her work cut out for her. She sets to it.

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...well, it's good that she's doing well. She probably didn't even look conspicuously sick to her stomach at the thing about constraining her aspirations.

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She didn't! She smiled beatifically and thanked the Valar and invited them to help her stock her library. She learned from the best, after all.  

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Annie looks kind of miserable all the time but anyone in Valinor would probably think that's just her face, so.

Orcs. Orcs and not collapsing in despair and little messages for Rirosseth, updating her on Elian and anything else that's going on, reassuring her that Annie is still here and still capable of putting one foot in front of the other.

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And messages back, thanking her, promising she'll come back as soon as she possibly can, she hopes Annie is happy, she hopes so much that Annie is happy.

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Annie is... hopeful. That's sort of like being happy, right?

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Or something. Rirosseth remembers her fondly. Rirosseth appreciates her messages. Rirosseth enjoys hearing from her. Rirosseth does not say 'I love you'.

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Annie doesn't either. Rirosseth probably knows what she's doing. If anyone wants to know why she is so concerned about talking to Rirosseth she's got a great excuse: Rirosseth died trying to protect her.

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Oh? They'd heard Rirosseth was attacking people.

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Rirosseth didn't hurt them, she was trying to get them to stop singing because it was hurting Annie because Aulë hadn't yet provided the insulation magic.

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Well, but when you've murdered enough people you lose the benefit of the doubt on whether when you're attacking someone you mean to hurt them.

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Annie isn't particularly interested in quibbling over that but it is a fact that Rirosseth died trying to protect her.

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And that's to her credit, sort of.

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...Annie is much too fucking devoted to the fucking bliss of Valinor to press the point on 'sort of'.

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And the Valian Years blissfully roll by, and there are yet more orcs, and news trickles in very slowly from across the sea. 

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And one day Celebrendes rushes into her rooms in Khazad-Dûm and says "we've got it."

She feels like she's able to breathe for the first time in a long time. "Oh, good," she says, "okay, who doesn't mind a one-way to Valinor and is on good enough terms with the Valar they won't be arrested on the beach -"

"Eliel might know someone -"

"I'll ride out to ask her right away." She does. Eliel knows a woman who lost her husband recently and has been thinking about emigrating and would be happy to deliver a parcel to Istarno. Lírnith carefully stays out of this; rumors of her involvement would only slow things down. The envoy gets one of Círdan's great grey ships and she sails west to a continent no longer barricaded by its gods.

And she disembarks in Alqualondë and races for Tirion and knocks a few days later on Istarno's door.

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He answers. "Yes?"

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"We got human immortality." She presses the necklace into his hands.

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He lets it slide through them.

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"Is she somewhere else?"

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"Eru, I hope so."

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"..."

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"You're Years too late."

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"I'm - sorry?"

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"Me too."

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(The messages stop coming and she is not quite too broken to do inferences and she knows and she lets the despair swallow her whole and Mandos decides eventually that she is ready to be reembodied and is distressed at how little there is left to stick into a living form.)