(Unfortunately, it happens that Maitimo's amulet has been broken for the last several weeks. Nobody has pointed this out to him because Vanyel doesn't tend to go around trying to read people's minds, and in fact none of the other Quendi shield and it's distracting and awful so he tends to keep his Thoughtsensing put away.) 

Leareth doesn't notice right away, but when he does, he goes quiet for a while. This isn't that noticeable externally; he's been losing the thread of the conversation a lot, having things done to his head is distracting.

It's - wow - it's making him want to reevaluate almost everything about the last few months, turn the past from side to side and look at it under this new light - but he really shouldn't do that now, and so the next time Maitimo asks him a question, he folds away his newly-restored Thoughtsensing and then does his best to focus and answer. 

He thanks Melody. 

Leareth is going to have a hard time concentrating on anything that isn't - that - for the next while. Ideally he could go out for a walk by himself or something, but as usual he's exhausted after seeing Melody, and he can barely keep his eyes open. 

He doesn't know what to say about the actual things he picked up, yet, he needs to wrap his mind around - all of it, first, but probably he should say something about the broken amulet. It's visible to mage-sight too. Maybe he'll...just mention that part. 

"Maitimo?" he says, drowsily. 

"Sleep song?"

"Would like that...also you should have Vanyel look at your amulet, I think it might be damaged..." He is, conveniently, too tired to answer a lot of questions about how he noticed this. 

" - huh! Okay." And he sings him to sleep and tries to think about nothing but where and when it might've been damaged, while he does that.

And Leareth falls asleep in Maitimo's arms, like he has a very large number of times before, except this time he's thinking, vaguely and privately, that it must be kind of frustrating for Maitimo, always being there for anything Leareth needs, but without getting to have the things he wants. 

He asks Vanyel to take a look at the artifact once Leareth is soundly asleep. 

"Oh, this is easy to fix - the link with the Arda artifact powering it just got disrupted. Not sure by what, could be one of the times we Gated, or could be something else." Vanyel can set it right for him in a couple of minutes. 

"Thank you. I'm glad he has his thoughtsensing back but I don't actually want him - learning about whatever went wrong with the Gate to Velgarth, or something - I don't think he's ready yet -"

Sigh. "No, I agree, that makes sense. Did it seem to help, him getting some of his Gifts back?" 

"He was so wiped out by the time Melody was finished, I'm not sure yet. But I think it will."

Nod. "I hope so." 

Leareth wakes up, and goes for a walk, and still has no idea what to do. He should talk to Maitimo about it, obviously, but - he doesn't know what to say, he doesn't even know what to feel about it yet, and he...wants to put it off until he does. On some level he's worried Maitimo is going to be angry that he snooped, and that he didn't say anything right away. 

He comes by in the midmorning, with food. "Vanyel was able to fix the artifact; the connection to the power source got disrupted, we think."

"Oh. That makes sense." Aaaaaand now would be a perfect moment to say something, except that he is definitely not going to do that. 

He sits down next to him and holds out his arm so Leareth can lean into it, if he'd like to. "These're the kind of waffles you like."

"Thank you." Leareth hesitates for a moment before leaning into Maitimo's arms - he's pretty sure he normally would and he doesn't want Maitimo to think he's angry with him or something. 

"Vanyel asked me how you did the amulet, at one point - maybe now that you have your mage-sight back you could help him out with research sometimes, if you wanted."

–He tenses up, involuntarily. 

"  - sorry. You certainly do not have to. We don't need anything from you, we aren't going to need anything from you."

"I would like to help. I - just..." He is so goddamned tired of being pointlessly stressed about Vanyel's existence. 

"Is it something you would want to ask Melody for help with?"

Leareth shivers. He puts his head down on Maitimo's shoulder (and then feels quietly weird about it, wondering if Maitimo is currently frustrated about wanting things that he thinks he can't have.) 

"I would, I think? I worry it would be uncomfortable for her, since she - knows him so well." 

Hug. "Mmhmm. At some point I think she meant to go back to Valdemar and trade off with a different Mindhealer but it might not be soon."

"Mmm." Leareth picks at his waffles for a minute in silence. "I - wanted to ask him to look at my immortality setup. Since I cannot do that. It would...really help...if I were not scared of him for stupid reasons." 

"Are you worried about your immortality setup?"

"To some extent. I do not think that Melkor could have interfered with it, but it is something he threatened he was able to do, in some of the iterations of trying to convince me to work for him. And - it would just take a weight from my mind, to know for sure." 

Fervent nod. "It will work from Arda in general, right?"

"Yes. I checked that soon after my arrival." 

"Would you be reborn here or there - and how does that work exactly, would somebody get pregnant without expecting to?" Shiver.

Leareth blinks at him. "...Oh, no. I do not come back as a baby, that would not really work..." He trails off, because Maitimo seems sort of uncomfortable and that happens so rarely and he has no idea what to do. 

His face is back to pleasantly affectionate almost immediately but he does not ask any followup questions. "Okay. Just - if anything bad happened it occurs to me, perhaps belatedly, it'd be good to know where to look for you, and how long to wait -"

Leareth is kind of stressed and it's making it hard to say words, but he takes a deep breath and tries anyway. "I cannot really say where, at this point it could be anywhere in Velgarth. And, a few months? I would try to return to the north and then send a message–"

"Okay." Hug. "Sorry for bringing it up. We're not going to let anything happen to you."

"I know." Leareth tries to relax into the hug. "I - should maybe have - told you about this sooner - when I was talking about the, the things I'd done..." 

"I surmised that you had done lots of awful things including probably some I'd failed to think of because of growing up in paradise. I'm not upset with you about it. Probably someday you should tell me more, not everything necessarily but enough that I am better calibrated on the range of awful things that there are that I might run into. I think ...probably we shouldn't do that now? Probably we should do that in a couple of years or something, when it won't hurt you if I want to go sing about it for a month. Right now - I want to be here for you."

"Oh. Of course." 

Leareth hopes it isn't obvious to Maitimo that his heart is suddenly racing - it feels like he just very narrowly avoiding some gaping chasm, that he didn't even see until Maitimo had already yanked him back from the brink, and he's dizzy with relief and also terrified.

He hadn't thought of it, because he's an idiot, but - of course it's fragile, this situation where Maitimo cares about him and wants to be there for him - of course there are facts about his past that, if they were out in the open, would break that delicate balance. And he hates the feeling that he's keeping secrets (weirdly, he's told no one the details of his immortality in - a very long time, and that never bothered him). But he needs Maitimo. He can't see a path to anything ever being okay without Maitimo there.

"I'm...glad," he says, shakily. "That you want to help." 

It is fairly obvious to Maitimo that Leareth is slightly panicky but also Leareth is slightly panicky a lot because of all of the years of being tortured and then the stupid disaster of an incident last week.  

Hug?

"Everything - that happened in Velgarth - without it you wouldn't have been here in our world when we desperately needed you. I am glad that you are the person that you are. I admire the person that you are."

"Mmm." Hugs are good. Leareth focuses on breathing and tries to relax in Maitimo's arms. 

And feels weird about it again, wondering if Maitimo is right now trying to suppress the fact that he wants Leareth. And - he's confused, still, he's been confused for a while about why Maitimo is willing to put so much effort toward helping him. It would explain it, the fact that Maitimo is in love with him, except that Maitimo isn't even doing anything about it, Leareth needs so much and Maitimo isn't getting anything in return and that - seems sort of unsustainable. Which is terrifying. 

Leareth knows he should just say something, but he still doesn't know what, he's thinking himself in circles, so he eats quietly and tries his best to concentrate on any conversation Maitimo tries to make with him. 

Probably they should just avoid topics that make Leareth feel - anxious about being judged? Anxious they'll decide not to let him murder people for his own immortality anymore? - Maitimo can kind of see the argument that they shouldn't let him do that and yet it feels unimaginable, asking him to stop - he is not going to ask that and he is not going to bring up the subject again unless he has a better understanding of what stressed Leareth out this time.

"What does the room look like to mage-sight?"

Oh, perfect, a new topic! "There are quite an impressive number of wards - I did not realize Vanyel had done so much, he did not say anything about it..."

Leareth can share his senses with Maitimo and point out the various types of ward. None of them are the kind that will actually injure a stranger trying to enter, they'll just send alarms to Vanyel if anything weird happens, but the shielding is thorough enough that Leareth could probably sleep through a mage-duel happening right outside his door. 

It is a relief to see Leareth a little happier. He suppresses more futile frustration with the easily-frightened locals near Cuivienen and reminds himself that this will take time (less time, because Leareth is very clever and very good, but time) and that the best thing to do is just to be patient, and careful, and as unlike Sauron as it's possible for a person to be. 

Leareth is able to hold a thread of conversation until he's done eating, and then tells Maitimo he wants to go for a walk by himself for a little while. 

"Of course. Have a good afternoon." And he'll get back to work.

Leareth goes out to near the water, moving carefully in the near-darkness of the city - it's lit for Quendi eyes, not human ones. He finds a bench by a fountain, and sits. 

It feels like the ground is sliding out from under his feet. He needs to - reorient, figure out which way is up, form a more accurate understanding of the resources and constraints of his current situation.

One: Maitimo is in love with him. Which explains why he's so motivated to help Leareth recover; Leareth is glad to know, he doesn't like being confused.

Two: Maitimo is, right now, not getting something that he wants a lot. He's sort of not even trying to get it? Except for the part where he's there for Leareth all the time and trying to give him everything he needs. It would make a lot of sense if he were hoping - expecting, maybe, Maitimo is very good at predicting other people - that Leareth would fall in love with him, and so he doesn't need to push at all, just - wait, patiently. Quendi are very patient. But it still means there's a tension there, an expectation, that Leareth hadn't known about before now. 

Three: Maitimo's support is more fragile, and conditional, than Leareth had realized. Because, like an idiot, he hadn't been thinking at all about the part where Maitimo grew up in paradise, and of course he can't imagine from first principles all the things that someone as ruthless as Leareth would have done.

Leareth wouldn't have thought to ask the question of whether he loved Maitimo without prompting, because - well, that's not a framing he's used in centuries. Maybe ever. It wasn't safe to need anyone, in Velgarth; it was a vulnerability. But Arda is different, and Leareth is different now. He doesn't have a way not to need Maitimo's help (and Vanyel's) in putting himself back together - and he's so fortunate, that Maitimo is very good, and understands what Leareth-before was fighting for, and wants to help him get that back.

The closest he ever feels to safe is when he's in Maitimo's arms. Is that what being in love feels like? It's not like Leareth has anything else to compare it with. 

...It would be good, he thinks, if he loved Maitimo back. That would be a helpful shape for a Leareth to be, in these particular circumstances. It would be more stable and sustainable for Maitimo, giving Leareth so much help and support, if he were also getting the thing he wanted; it seems sort of unreasonable not to want to give him that, actually.

Leareth thinks that he's mostly that shape already? He feels very positively about Maitimo, wants to see him and talk to him, wants Maitimo to hold him when he's falling asleep. He's - confused - about whether he wants to have sex with Maitimo, but that seems mostly explainable by the fact that he's never had sex with anyone in this body. Also some of his fake memories contain - that - and then horrible things, so it makes sense for him to have mixed feelings. Mostly with Vanyel, though. There are a small number involving Maitimo but even when he was blocking off having any beliefs about reality, they were very unconvincing, and he trusts the real Maitimo utterly, so it really should be fine.

A sensible next step, Leareth decides, is paying more attention to his actual, current feelings about Maitimo over the next couple of days. He gets up and heads back to his room. 

Maitimo is writing a lot of apologetic letters to the various people who he passed off handling of the Valdemaran delegation to. He stops by in the evening because Leareth is likely to want to be held and sung to sleep.

Leareth does want that! He smiles when he sees Maitimo, more than usual because he's paying a lot of attention to whether he's happy to see him, and in fact he is! "How was your day?" 

"Good! How was yours?"

"It was good. I did a great deal of thinking. Also it is helping, to have mage-sight back. I feel so much more oriented to the city when I can sense magical artifacts as landmarks."

He relaxes in Maitimo's arms. Pays a lot of attention to how he feels about it, which is: content, and safe, and grateful to have Maitimo there. 

"I'm really glad. I'm sorry we didn't do it sooner; I should have imagined what it'd be like to be without osanwë."

"It had not occurred to me that it might be possible to do it partially like this. Melody is very talented." How does he feel right now? Very deeply cared for, he owes Maitimo so much...

"She is! You are of course recovering at the most record-setting pace but the other prisoners are doing considerably better than we expected too."

"I am incredibly grateful for her help." He shifts in Maitimo's arms, so he can look at him. "And for yours. I cannot imagine what I would do without it." 

Hug. "I think it might be slower but I bet you could eventually put yourself together from very little. I'm glad we can make it easier."

Leareth is a lot less sure of that, actually, but he appreciates that Maitimo is trying to reassure him. "I am ready to go to sleep now," he says, instead of saying any of the confused fragmentary thoughts bouncing around in his head. 

Then Maitimo will sing him to sleep, holding very still so he isn't scary, watching Leareth relax and thinking about how stupid it was to bring him to Cuivienen, it really seems to have set him back a lot -

Leareth spends the next week on and off thinking about his accidental discovery, and not telling anybody about said thoughts. From the outside, he's perhaps a bit clingier than before, but he doesn't seem unhappy.

Nights are a lot easier for him with mage-sight; when he wakes up panicked and disoriented from nightmares, he can check the wards on the room himself. 

Maitimo sings to him and gives him hugs when they seem needed and gives him sanitized, boring updates on the international diplomacy situation and eventually brings up again whether Melody could help him with his stress around Vanyel. "I don't think it'd bother her that she knows him - it's not like it's about something he really did -"

"I suppose it is worth at least asking her." Which he can do the next time he's seeing Melody anyway. 

If Melody is uncomfortable about this at all, it doesn't show. "That makes sense. It's not really about him at all, just - minds make associations. I don't at all mind trying to help; I'm not sure I can address all of it, I think most of all you need time and lots of low-stress interactions with him, but I can probably do some redirects that'll help somewhat." 

"I would appreciate that." In addition to the whole immortality...thing, Vanyel is the only person he can think of who might have useful advice on the subject he's most preoccupied by right now, which feels very weird to bring up with Melody. 

Then Melody can spend a candlemark throwing in some redirects so that Leareth finds the most frequent types of interactions with Vanyel more neutral. Vanyel coming into a room and greeting him, for example. 

"You're likely to still bump into upsetting associations once in a while," she tells him. "If you write down whenever that happens, I can try to patch it at our next session. My main goal here is to get you to the point that you can have some normal, un-fraught, pleasant conversations with him, which over time is going to help the most." 

He's relieved about this; it seems like it'll be really good for both of them. Leareth is always very tired after a session with Melody, so he lingers in case he wants to be put to sleep.

Leareth would like that. 

Maitimo sings to him, holds still for him, leaves once he's fast asleep. 

Leareth schedules a couple of very innocuous conversations with Vanyel over the next few days, which Vanyel is happy to cooperate with. They have a certain amount of practice with sticking to neutral topics when anything substantive is too fraught.

Melody's redirects don't completely get rid of the problem, but they do mean that every time Leareth reflexively expects Vanyel to be angry in response to something he said, or hurt him, it's always followed by the reminder that this is pretty unlikely given Vanyel's entire...Vanyel...and his thoughts steering back to the previous topic.

He brings up the immortality method first; weirdly, that feels less stressful to talk about than his feelings toward Maitimo. 

Vanyel listens very calmly, his expression controlled and level. 

"I see," he says when Leareth finishes. "Does Maitimo know? It...seems like something that might, er, bother Quendi more." 

"Maitimo has asked not to know any more for the next several years, until it - matters less - if he becomes too upset to speak to me." 

"Oh." Vanyel winces slightly. "I mean. Probably wise of him. Still a bit ouch." He lets out his breath. "...I'm not mad, Leareth. I swear. I'm not surprised, that this is something you did, and - if you did it, I fully believe it's because it was the only way. And it meant you were around when Arda needed you. That was pretty important." 

Nod. 

"Anyway. I'll have a look, might take me a bit to get the hang of the trick with visiting the Void, but it does help that I've been to the Moonpaths. Someone else took me there, but still." 

"Really? That sounds like a story." 

And then Leareth can spend the next while hearing about Vanyel's adventures in Kata'shin'a'in, which is fascinating and mostly not that stressful.

It is tiring, and he's ready for bed earlier than usual, and Mindspeaks Maitimo to see if he's available. 

He is. "How was your day?"

"It was productive. I spoke to Vanyel about the - thing - that I wished him to check, and then we had quite a long conversation about his travels before coming here, which I enjoyed. Mostly." 

"Oh, good. I'm so glad for you. For both of you."

"I think this is excellent progress. How was your day?" 

"All right! We've procured some more boats, finally, which should help with scouting out the other continent. Some people are going to get training in Alqualondë on how to sail them."

"Oh. Good. I suppose there is a lot of coastline, and having Vanyel do Gates to places does not exactly scale well as a method of exploration." 

"He's a very good sport about it, but no, it really doesn't. We don't even have guesses about how far south the continent goes. East we at least know it stretches to Cuivienen." He makes a face. "I'm still very irritated with them for shooting at us."

Leareth shivers and curls up tighter against Maitimo. He doesn't really want to think about Cuivienen right now. 

Hug. "I'm sorry. Keep being tempted to go shoot back, which is very bizarre, it wouldn't actually make you any safer." 

...Leareth is so curious what Maitimo is thinking about right now that produced those words, even though it's really not his to know. 

"I think it is an understandable impulse," he says, "even though in practice it would simply escalate the hostility with them further." It makes him feel cared for. 

(And then confused, in the same tangled loop as before, because Maitimo is pouring in so much here, and Leareth is giving back so little in return, and he still doesn't know how to think about that let alone what to do about it.) 

He hugs him. "And I learned a new song about the war! Vanyel will hate it once he hears it if he hasn't already."

"Of course he will. I would like to hear it, though." 

Then he will sing it for him! It's very beautiful and well-crafted and glorious and heroic and complimentary about Vanyel (and also Leareth). 

It's a good song, and of course Maitimo sings it very well, because he's a Quendi. It's sort of strange to hear the parts about him, it feels like the composer must be describing a different person entirely, but unlike Vanyel, Leareth can notice that being embarrassed about it is very pointless.

Being sung to and held tends to make him drowsy even when it's not a magic song. "That is very flattering," Leareth murmurs, sleepily, when Maitimo finishes. "It is accurate about Vanyel...but he will hate it anyway, of course..." 

"Maybe the moreso because it's true, and beautiful." And he'll hold him while he falls asleep.

The next day, Leareth goes to Vanyel, when it seems to be a good moment. "I wished to ask your advice on something." 

"Oh?" Vanyel looks slightly surprised, but nods. "Of course." He peers at Leareth. "Er, is it something you want a privacy barrier for?" 

"...I would certainly not mind." 

Privacy barrier. "What is it?" 

This is, weirdly, one of the most difficult conversations he's ever tried to start. "I - how do you decide if you are in love with someone?" 

Startled look. "What?" 

It's really hard to explain without the context that 'I accidentally read Maitimo's mind and I think he's in love with me', but that is private and Leareth is absolutely not going to go around sharing it behind Maitimo's back, even with someone as trustworthy as Vanyel. 

"I am trying to figure out if I love Maitimo and if I should do anything about that." 

"Oh. I - um - can I have a moment to think about that. That is really not what I was expecting to be asked about today– er, I'm not mad or anything! It...makes a lot of sense." 

"Mmm." Leareth waits, anxiously. 

"Well," Vanyel says finally, folding his hands over his knee, "obviously you need to talk about it with him? I - don't know if he'd, um, interested in anything, since Quendi... But I don't think he'd be mad if you asked." 

Nod. 

"Er, there are a lot of reasons it might be a bad idea to actually have a relationship, there's the part where you're sort of his prisoner, and what it'd look like..." Shrug. "Although, honestly, if you want it, I don't see what's wrong with that and I'd be pretty happy about you getting more of the things you want, right now." 

Leareth absorbs that for a moment. "That is helpful. Thank you." 

In any other circumstances, he would be telling Vanyel that he isn't sure if he's having the shape of feelings that mean he wants a romantic relationship, as opposed to just...whatever it already is, now. But, well, Leareth has already decided the bottom line of what he wants, here, and he's pretty sure that he's mostly having all the appropriate feelings for it, and can nudge any remaining ones into line. 

"Leareth..." Vanyel hesitates, he doesn't want to be condescending by mistake, but he forges on. "I'm proud of you, that you're thinking about what you want here. I know that must be hard, and - it's good, is all." 

So Leareth goes out for a walk to think. Thinks in circles for a while. Eventually decides that there's no possible way he is going to come up with a polished thing to say, it's going to come out as a mess no matter what, and he might as well just go do the talking about it part. 

(He is kind of terrified about this, but it seems likely to be for stupid reasons.) 

:Maitimo, can we talk at some point?: 

Sure. Are you in your room?

:On a walk but I will be back there in a couple of minutes: 

I can head over now.

Leareth is hovering by his bed when Maitimo arrives. He's more fidgety than usual. 

" - hey. What's up?"

"I...should tell you something..." This is the stupidest thing in the entire world to be scared about. "Can you hold me?" 

"Of course." And he sits down next to him and wraps his arms around him carefully in one of the known ways that isn't scary.

His hindbrain is screaming that Maitimo is going to be angry, but that's based on some very faulty priors from events that weren't even real, actual Maitimo is not going to be angry, if he wasn't angry about any of the other awful things then he won't be about this.

"Two things. I - read some of your thoughts. When the amulet was broken. I would have told you right away, but - I picked up that you - wanted me. And then I needed time to think. I feel–" why is this so unreasonably hard to talk about, "–I think I love you, and - if you want to, if you think it is a good idea - I think having a relationship would make me happy." 

There, now he's said all of the things, all of them are true things (if somewhat complicatedly true around the edges), now what. 

"Oh. I didn't mean for you to - I'm not angry. But I didn't mean to - I figured you would catch on eventually but I wanted it to be - once you were okay - I was worried it'd - scare you - or distract you -"

"No, it is all right." ...Leareth probably shouldn't literally lie to Maitimo about his feelings. "I was a little scared. But for - stupid reasons - like when I was stressed by Vanyel. And - not very much, really." Shrug. "I guess it is distracting." 

"I guess 'not distracting' is probably a lot to hope for. Or not even hope for -" He stops himself. Bites his lip. "I am very surprised, sorry. I'm not quite -

- I love you."

It feels good to hear it said out loud. Mostly-good, it has some of the ground-sliding-under-him feel. "I gathered," he says, half-laughing, his voice shaky. "I - I am not sure what my feelings are, I am not - used to this - I care about you and I want to be close to you and..." He trails off. "I ought probably give you some time to think, sorry." 

"I should definitely think. But - I love you, and - 

- what specifically would you like to be different from the way things are now -"

Aaaaaah this feels suddenly very fraught, like there are a thousand different ways to say the wrong thing. It takes a lot of effort and control, but Leareth manages not to tense up. He has spent some time thinking about this. "I am not sure exactly - I have not - been close to people in that way, in a long time. ...I think I would like it if we had sex. It would probably be - hard and scary, at first, because of - Melkor things - but I do not actually endorse never doing things that are hard because of Angband." 

"That makes sense." He reaches up to run his hand through Leareth's hair, very gently. "All right. I want to ask Vanyel if I am being very stupid and ask Findekáno if I am being very stupid. That would mean telling them, though, and it would be very reasonable to prefer it be more secret than that."

Leareth shivers, closes his eyes. "No, that makes sense - you should do that... I trust Vanyel, I do not know Findekáno as well as you do but if you trust him..." 

"I do. He doesn't have a way to block mindreaders but I don't think the Valdemarans would do that."

"No, I doubt it."

Leareth is focusing on the fact that he is comfortable and safe, nothing about that part is different, and repeatedly dissolving and setting aside his mind's attempts to make him very stressed because this is novel territory. 

Maitimo stops petting Leareth's hair, puts his hand back on Leareth's back. "I wanted you from almost the day we met. Mostly managed to think about other things because there were so terribly many other things to think about."

"You were rather good at not thinking about it; I do not think that you ever did while I was reading your thoughts." 

"You might not have noticed, it was very tangled up in -" And he sends some memories, drawing out what was background at the time - watching Leareth do magic, realizing that the question that felt so urgent, about how far to trust Leareth, was in a sense almost irrelevant because actually, they were almost entirely at his mercy - and that should be frightening and it was mostly frightening but there was something else there, too - occasionally he'd wish Leareth was less astoundingly virtuous -

Leareth rides along with the memory, half-awed - no, he didn't notice it at the time, though he does remember noticing Maitimo recognizing how outpowered the Quendi were, how much damage Leareth could do if he wanted and how little any of them could do to stop him -  and wishing it were different, it seemed like they could be better allies to each other if there were more balance there...

–And then he bursts out laughing. "Maitimo, I am not sure anyone has ever put my name and the words 'astoundingly virtuous' in the same paragraph." 

"Well I don't know how else to conceptualize it!! The thing about you where you would absolutely never have - not just never have asked me to bed, that's objectively a level of virtuous that everyone manages all the time just fine, you never asked for anything that wasn't obviously necessary to win the war -"

"I mean, it would not have helped, right? I wanted to win the war - and then I wanted your help afterward, to fix Velgarth, but - it was obvious that needed to wait, and it was not something I could obtain by, what, by armtwisting you into it because I was powerful enough to get away with it? Your people did not have any resources to spare and so it would not have accomplished anything to ask for more than what was necessary." 

"Everything you did made perfect sense! And -" he shakes his head. "- you keep undershooting, how much you can ask - and it feels a little bit insane to attempt to convince you not to but I think I ought to, if you really want to do this. You could have asked for more from the moment you met me. It is objectively probably a good thing that you didn't, but - you could have, and I would have been delighted."

"...I will try to remember that." It feels confusing and topsy-turvy, and almost painful in some obscure hard-to-describe way, but...it's also good. 

He holds Leareth for a little while. Waits.

"Maitimo, I–" And he's scared again, inexplicably, but it's not that loud and he can nudge it away. "I do not want to use the words wrong, I am very new to this, but... I love you." He lets out his breath. "You should talk to Vanyel, probably. Before...anything else." 

"Yeah. - do you want me to go do that right now?"

"It is up to you? I am not in a rush - I suppose I do want to know what Vanyel says. Oh - I spoke to him before, a little - not about your feelings, that is not mine to share, but about how I felt. He gave me the very obvious advice that I needed to talk to you. So I did."

He's actually more curious (and anxious) about what Findekáno will have to say, but it feels fraught to push. 

"I guess I am worried that if I leave you'll - sit here fretting - so I would sort of rather talk, and then go ask them tonight."

"I suppose I might. I - would like it if you stayed, too." He falls silent, waiting. 

"Well, there you have it, then.

Do you - know what you want - more specifically, I mean -"

"I think not that specifically - unlike many things this is not something where I meaningfully have two thousand years of practice. I - like it when you touch me - I like being able to make you very happy... I will probably need some pointers for everything more specific than that." 

"Okay." He smiles at him. "I'm sorry this is so - like an interview - I love you and I want you to be happy and I want you to have nice things and I am sure we can figure out the rest but I have very little of it figured out right now."

Leareth smiles back. Tries to reassure the part of him that's still inexplicably scared, that this isn't a test he's failing, it's okay. "That is all right. At least I am not the only one who has very little figured out here." 

"Should I sing something?"

"Yes, I would like that." And maybe Leareth can come up with better answers to Maitimo's questions while he's doing that. 

Maitimo can snuggle him and sing silly love songs. 

He is having a really hard time getting a read on what Leareth wants, and he feels embarrassed about it. You would think that probably Maitimo was a good person to go to if you had a problem of not knowing what you wanted and instead he's just kind of stuck. It's presumably that Melkor has surrounded everything with badness so nothing is straightforwardly good. But knowing that it's Melkor doesn't make it feel less like a personal failing, less like he's just being stupid, and if he thought of the right thing then it'd all click into place and he'd know exactly how to give Leareth what he wants -

Leareth is - mostly pretty content, he's safe in Maitimo's arms and being sung to and Maitimo was happy, to find out, and that's good. He's a bit annoyed with himself, though, because clearly the helpful shape for him to be right now would involve...wanting things...and being able to tell Maitimo what he's hoping for, what would make him happy. And his mind is not being very obliging on that front. 

Wanting things is hard. In general, always, but - especially here, because he doesn't even have any pre-Angband habits to reach for, pretty much all he has is the concrete underlying goal, for Maitimo to be happy and have what he wants - and a vague floating sense that there's something that would be good, and then a lot of flinches. It's irritating. 

He spends a while poking at that and eventually decides that maybe some of it is helpful to say. :Wanting things is hard. It feels right to - try to practice, though, to - find something good, instead of just being scared: 

That makes sense. I was thinking we could mostly practice - things Melkor couldn't have managed to poison - I guess I shouldn't underestimate how many things Melkor can poison - but definitely we can practice lots of things, and stop if they're not working -

- I think if it were me, this would be very important to me, and so it's silly of me to have not thought through that it might be very important to you. 

Snuggle. :I mean, it was not - I would not have said it was important to me before, because Velgarth was - not safe, for loving people, and there were so many other things to do... But a number of things are different here. I am actually somewhat mad that all of my memories of - sex, and related things, are stupid Melkor scenarios. Usually involving Vanyel doing things that would be very implausible and out of character for him– please do not tell him that: 

Of course not! And - it makes sense to be mad about that. I would be really really happy, to find something better than that with you. 

:I would like that: 

It is a little bit hard, to snuggle him quietly and sing and not start trying to solve the mystery suddenly in front of him of what Leareth wants. But he should really, really talk to Vanyel and Findekáno about this.

Leareth doesn't try to start the conversation again. He focuses on the positive feelings he has about the situation, repeatedly redirects the parts of him which are scared of mysterious badness, and eventually notices he's both hungry and sleepy. 

Then he should get them dinner before he sings Leareth to sleep!

This is a sensible plan!

:I love you: Leareth tells him, sleepily, and it feels good to say it, and also scary but he's pretty determined not to let the latter steer. 

And then he'll go find Vanyel.

Vanyel is in his room, working. He sets down his notes right away, though; he doesn't seem surprised at all to see Maitimo. "I wondered if you'd be by today." 

"Leareth said he'd talked to you. He, uh -" He activates his amulet. 

"He says that he wants to pursue a romantic relationship."

Vanyel nods. "He came to me earlier and - said he thought he was in love with you, and was trying to figure out what to do about it, basically. He was pretty unsure of himself about it. I said he needed to just talk to you, that you wouldn't be mad at him for bringing it up. I - well, he really caught me off guard, but I tried to give him sensible advice." 

"I'm not mad at him for bringing it up. I'm a little worried it's a bad idea. He's still very traumatized. But - he said that he wants - something in that space which isn't memories of Melkor, and I think I'd feel the same way if it were me, and I do love him, and - do you think it's very stupid to consider it -"

Vanyel blinks at him. "...Oh. I told Leareth you might not, er, reciprocate his feelings, but– that's good, I guess. Um. It seems risky? He's really vulnerable and you could probably hurt him a lot without meaning to. But, I mean - I told Leareth it might be a bad idea, but that I was proud of him for - being able to want something, I guess. I know that's felt really dangerous for him. And, I don't know, it feels - patronizing, or something, to tell him he can't have this thing he wants because it might hurt him. It's just risky." 

"- yeah. It is. I -

- I really don't want to hurt him but I also don't want to - it probably also hurts him, if we treat him like he's not competent to want things -

- it would be a lot simpler if I were not interested but he - when the amulet broke - he noticed -"

"Oh. That - I wondered what prompted him to bring it up now in particular. That's awkward. But...maybe good? If it got him to think about what he wanted, too." Vanyel shakes his head. "He was so alone, before - it didn't seem to bother him but it can't have been good for him even then." 

"I don't think it was. Sustainable, but not good for him - and now not even sustainable, maybe. And on Velgarth everyone was so young - no offense -"

"He already feels very close to you, that's been obvious for ages. That is the sort of conditions under which people fall in love. And, right, you can - well, keep up with him. Unlike all the tiny babies like me." He smiles a little. 

"You're - in a lot of important ways more mature than anyone in Arda, you know." He shakes his head. 

"If I am going to consider this - there's some stuff that I should not be simultaneously making decisions about - when he can have his magic back, whether he's stable enough to go return to his people in Velgarth if he wishes - would you be willing to be responsible for that, obviously I'll still tell you my opinions if I have them but I'll tell my people it's not our call -"

"–Oh, of course. That makes a lot of sense - I told Leareth, that was an aspect of it that seemed pretty concerning, but if you're willing to - that's much less uncomfortable. I can be responsible for those decisions. As long as I'm still allowed to ask you for advice." Vanyel frowns. "Has he spoken with Melody about this, do you know? I guess it's pretty private, but - well, if he's going to be doing things that risk running into a lot of really bad associations, it seems like a good idea for her to have context on it." 

- nod. "- I'm scared. Of people knowing. But that does seem like something he'd probably need."

“That makes sense. For what it’s worth, Melody is really, really trustworthy. She keeps a lot of people’s secrets.”

Nod. "I'll suggest it to him."

“I’m still a bit nervous about this. But I know you’ll be really careful, and,” crooked smile, “I can tell you love him a lot.”

"I am nervous too. But - 

- probably this is not as hard as fighting Melkor. And we figured that one out."

“I really hope it’s not! Er, good skill. And...you can always come to me if you want to talk through something - I’m not the best person in the world for relationship advice but, um, I guess at least I’m Leareth’s species, and I‘ve known him a long time.”

" - and your society has, uh, the concept that this is the kind of thing it is possible to do ethically at all instead of always being something it's awful to do to another person."

“...Right.“ Vanyel fidgets. “I - gods - I’m sorry. That your entire society is...like that. It’s not awful of you at all.”

"Sorry, I didn't mean to - you are not responsible for convincing Quendi to change how we think about - things -"

“I know. I’m - not trying to convince Quendi as a whole. Just...you.” Shrug. “It seems important, if you’re going to be, er, trying to show Leareth a reasonable healthy way to do this thing, right.”

" - yeah. Right. Um. I think that it matters a lot more to me, whether it's good for him, whether it makes him stronger, than - that it's not a marriage. I think the usual Quendi answer is that you can't be good for people or make them stronger if it's not a marriage. That seems false about humans. I guess I don't know if it's false about Quendi."

“I mean, the closest human equivalent to your marriage is lifebonds,” slight wince, “and that’s - one in a thousand, one in ten thousand people...? So, it definitely can’t be true that those are the only good relationships. I don’t know, Quendi are different, just... I think it’s false that there’s no possible thing here that’d be good for you and - make you stronger too-.”

"I think - if it's good for him, if it makes him happy, if it helps him recover, if it helps him remember who he is - I think that'd be good for me, too."

"That seems right. I - hope it works out that way." 

Nod. "Thank you. If you think of anything else please do let me know."

"Of course." 

"And, uh, could I have a Gate to Vinyamar. There's someone there who I should talk with, too."

Vanyel blinks. "...Oh, of course. I'm glad you've got other people to talk to." He's a bit surprised, and very curious, but it seems gauche to ask so he won't. 

He feels stressed about tipping his hand even that much, honestly. 

He goes through.

Findekáno?

Hey! I figured you'd be a while after -

I left everyone with the whole delegation to run off with Leareth, yeah. I -

- Leareth asked me about a relationship. 

Huh. That was fast. 

That's kind of how I'm feeling about it! I thought maybe - once he'd recovered - if he wasn't very frustrated with us for having let it come to that - 

That sounds like a much better idea than this.

It really does. But if this is what he wants - then I want to give it to him.

I am not sure this is the sort of thing you can give people as an act of altruism. Or even as an investment. 

- well I mean - I wouldn't if - if I had not been very recently complaining to you about how desperately I want him I wouldn't be deciding to go for it just because he asked. But I do want him, and I love him, and he thinks it'll be good for him, to try it, and - it feels, I don't know, condescending, or something, to insist on not, given all that - like I'm sabotaging his ability to notice things about the world and use them to get what he wants - 

- if I was rescued from Angband, and I was a traumatized mess who was very scared of my own shadow, and I wanted you, what would you do?

Whatever you wanted. But we have - a preexisting relationship. I think that matters for - how well I understand you and know what's good for you.

I'm not sure I know what's good for him. I guess I'm counting on him to know that, or at least to - benefit from being allowed to help figure that out even if he doesn't know it. 

Do you think he might be working from some bad assumptions about people and what they want, from all the Melkor?

I think he almost definitely is? And I think he knows he is. And I think this is - how he wants to fix that.

One thing that occurs to me to worry about is that you will try very very diligently to give him whatever you think he's looking for here and not check, uh, whether it's good for you.

Oh, I'm totally going to do that. He's more fragile right now. If he wants something costly, he can have something costly. I'll be fine.

That sounds like a terrible idea. 

Or - it sounds like a plan that only works if you have infinite reserves and infinite ability to cope, and I doubt you do, and if it's what he would want if he were fully informed, and I bet he wouldn't be. It's - important not to do something for someone else that they think is also for you? I'd be angry with you, if you did it for me.

You just said that if it were me in that situation and I asked for you you'd do whatever I wanted. 

- well, yes. But I wouldn't be misleading you about what it was costing me, if anything, because it's impossible to mislead you about anything. 

Now I feel like we're overthinking this. If he turns out to just want to demand humiliating things then I'll tell him I don't enjoy that at all. I don't think he will. I do think it's correct for me to be mostly not presenting him with puzzles about - how to take care of me - and so I should not do this at all if I cannot sincerely present a front of - I'm taking care of me, let's just figure things out about you -

Yeah, that sounds right. Or closer to right. 

I don't know. I still feel confused but I can't say what about, not exactly, and I don't know him.

Can I come over? I asked Van to Gate me back in a couple of hours, I didn't want to leave him waiting long...

Yeah, of course. 

They talk, a little. Mostly he lies snuggled up with Findekáno saying things he admires about Leareth. That part is the least confusing part of the whole thing. 

When it's time for his Gate back he goes over a bit early so as not to make Van hold it.

Vanyel raises a Gate right on time. Doesn't say anything, just nods to Maitimo. 

"Thank you," he says, and comes on through it. 

Is Leareth awake?

Nope. 

Then he will go sing by the ocean for a while.

Leareth wakes up and spends a few seconds untangling the fragmentary memories of nightmares, and then the actual memories of yesterday catch up.

...That went well? Better than he'd expected? He thinks?

He spends a little while longer poking at his current feelings, it'll be easier to talk about this if he knows where he's starting from. 

:Maitimo?: 

Good morning!

- scared - which is stupid–

:I did not manage to take notes about yesterday: he confesses. :Can you - what were the things that we talked about...?: 

You said that you wanted to pursue a relationship. That you noticed, when my amulet was broken, that I - wanted that too. We talked a little bit about how that would look different than what we're already doing right now. You said that you wanted to have sex, that you were not sure what would be good and not awful but that you would like to try things and figure it out. I said I was going to go talk to Vanyel and Findekáno. - I have done that.

:Oh. Good. What did they say?:

Leareth reaches for his notes and starts updating them. Not with any of the things he was thinking, yesterday, just the things he actually talked about with Maitimo. 

They're a little worried. Vanyel said it's - risky - I could hurt you a lot without meaning to -

Leareth freezes. It's a good thing that Maitimo isn't actually there in person, because he would definitely notice that Leareth is on the edge of panic for no good reason - it's impossible to hide what he's feeling from Maitimo, in general it's probably a stupid idea to try, but - if he's too obviously scared, here, then Maitimo might decide none of this is worth trying, and then–

:That - makes sense: he admits. :But - I know you are going to be very careful and I trust you. There is no one in the world I would trust more with this: 

(This is true but it's also kind of a low bar.) 

I guess I figure you have the right to decide you want to try something that might hurt you. And of course I will try very very hard not to. But - but we should probably expect that even if you really want this we might not be able to figure out how to make it work until you're more recovered, right? And if that's what happens, then that's all right. It hasn't been very long at all.

:I know: He isn't going to be able to explain to Maitimo why it's so important that he figure something out now, at least the beginnings of something. :We have a lot of time: And Maitimo is very good and very reassuring and it's not him that Leareth is scared of. Or, well, that's almost entirely true. :Are you busy? I would like it if you came and held me: 

I told people Vanyel was going to Gate me over to Vinyamar and have not told them he got me back. 

And he comes over to see Leareth.

As soon as the door to his room is closed, Leareth slips into Maitimo's arms. Relaxes. :I love you: 

I love you. I want to fix all the worlds with you.

That makes Leareth feel warm and happy and also - sort of caught, or something, because he knows that's such an important piece of why Maitimo loves him at all - because he was trying to fix everything - and he can't, right now. 

:Someday: he agrees. :I - want to get better, so we can do that: 

Yes, of course. You can take as long as you need. We've got it handled, in the meantime. 

Is this - maybe a little bit about - there being something you can do now, that affects other people -

Aaaaaah - except it shouldn't be a frightening question to be asked. Maitimo is going to be able to tell that it is, though, and will want to know why, and Leareth doesn't understand why–

:Maybe. Probably a little. But, I mean - I do not want this with Vanyel. I want it with you. Because of...how I feel about you: Leareth is pretty sure all of that is true. 

Patpatpat - sorry. I wasn't trying to question your - sincerity, or something - I'm not questioning you about anything. I love you, and you want this, and you can have this, no matter how messy your reasons are. I am not trying to decide whether you are good enough to deserve this or something. It's just - helpful to know what you want to get out of it -

:I know: Maitimo is so good, and Leareth wants to give him everything, and he has no idea how. And every single sentence in this conversation feels like balancing on a tightrope.

Which is something Maitimo is going to notice as well. :I - everything you are saying to me makes me very happy, and - a bit scared. I think the scared is not about you and not your fault, just...: 

Yeah. It's okay. 

Is it more scary or less scary if I say that we needn't do anything today, or this month, that I can just hold you and tell I love you -

Leareth considers it. It's kind of hard question to answer. 

:I think mostly less scary: he decides. :Although, I - feel safer when I have a plan and - know what to expect in the future. I do not even think that is because of Melkor, it is just how I am. But maybe this is not something where having a plan makes sense. At some point I do wish to talk about things that we could try, in the future, even if I am not ready for that yet: And then he can have time to think about it and poke his feelings about it and get his head into a shape where any of this works. 

Okay. My plan is to take things very slowly and let you decide when they escalate and mostly only do things that I think Melkor could not have managed with a catatonic participant and hope we find something in there that makes us both happy.

:That makes sense: Leareth is a bit nervous that Maitimo will be impatient, but - Quendi are very patient, in general, and he suspects Maitimo is right about what will make this easier and less upsetting.

He tries to smile. :Mostly you should not turn into Sauron but I am not very worried you would be tempted to do that: 

Shiver. It's just me. I love you.

:I know: Leareth leans on him, closing his eyes. Stays quiet for a while, waits to see if Maitimo will say or do anything. 

He said it'd be less scary to take things very slow so Maitimo will just sit here and sing quietly and hold him.

:What are you thinking about?: Leareth asks finally, because it's both frustrating and pointless trying to guess. 

He considers for a moment whether to take off the amulet. On the one hand, Leareth feels very fragile and maybe the wrong thought will make him worse. On the other hand, maybe they shouldn't be trying this if he can't trust Leareth with the contents of his head - on another hand there's still the news about the gate though he thinks he can manage not to think about it - 

- Leareth must feel so powerless, and hate that -

He reaches for the clasp of the amulet. Would you like to -

:Oh. ...Not if it makes you uncomfortable. You could just tell me some of it, if you wanted: 

I was trying to figure out what you needed. I wish I had it all figured out for you but I don't, yet. I'm sure we'll get there. I was thinking about how - it's important for you not to feel powerless, here - 

:Mmm: Leareth spends a while turning all of that over in his head. :I mean, I am not sure how you could have all of this figured out for me when I do not. I - do not think I feel powerless right now. I mean, I dislike that I cannot do as many things as before and that - having plans is so difficult - but, feel that I noticed I wanted something and then asked about it and now you are trying very hard to help: 

Well, in my head when I imagined someday getting to have this I had it all figured out even though you did not and was able to help you discover all kinds of interesting things about yourself and you were very impressed. So it's annoying that it doesn't seem to actually work like that in real life.

:That is very sweet: Also it makes Leareth feel off-balance, again, and like it's his fault and he's doing something wrong, he's failing to give Maitimo anything to work with because he's too broken - but probably Maitimo isn't actually thinking about it that way and wouldn't want Leareth to and it seems unfair and unpleasant for him to dump all that mess on him. 

Can I pet your hair? For Quendi that'd be - it'd be too soon for that - but for humans it's different I think -

:...Yes - I liked it when you did that, before: And still managed to get tangled up and stuck on suggesting it, even though he knows Maitimo wants him to ask for things. It was the first indication that Maitimo was taking what he had said seriously, though, and doing something different as a result, something he'd wanted but hadn't felt he had a right to. 

Maitimo undoes his braid, very gently, and pets his hair, very gently. 

You're very wonderful, he says absentmindedly while he does this. I love you.

It's mostly quite pleasant; Maitimo is there and paying attention to him and seems happy, which Leareth is pleased about, and the associations are mostly neutral, although at one point something mysteriously startles him and he - freezes, and then goes limp, the instinctive response that catches him here is don'treactdon'tresponddon'thavethoughts–

He stops. Hey. It's okay. It's okay, you're safe.

It takes thirty seconds before he's able to respond even in Mindspeech. :I know. I am sorry, it was not - that just happens sometimes: 

Don't apologize to me. I know it does. It's okay. I should have asked in advance, though, what I can do to help, when it does -

:...I think mostly what you already do? Saying something reassuring and then holding still and waiting and - not trying to ask me questions until I am responding again, it gets very - I sort of shut down and cannot say things until I am calmer: 

That makes sense. It's okay. I don't mind. I don't expect you to magically not be traumatized anymore.

:I know: Maitimo is very patient and kind and good, and Leareth loves him, and he's so grateful. :I think I need you to - just hold me quietly, for a bit - and then I would like if you petted my hair some more: He wishes he had a better read on what Maitimo enjoys, but he's fairly sure Maitimo would only suggest doing things he was going to enjoy. 

He can hold him quietly for a bit!

Leareth breathes in and out and pays a lot attention to what he's feeling, here and now.

Safe. Loved. 

...Like he doesn't deserve it, but if Vanyel were in his shoes and feeling that way, Leareth would tell him not to be silly, so he can do his best to tell himself the same thing. 

He wants Maitimo to stay - and wants that to be because Maitimo is happy here and finds it worthwhile, and he thinks that's true, right now, but he's not sure how good a read he has on Maitimo's feelings right now. He has the sense that Maitimo is doing a lot of...presenting a non-scary face to the situation. Which is very good of him, but also makes him slightly uneasy, since then it's harder to tell if separately Maitimo is separately, genuinely, happy about his end of things.

:...I think I would appreciate it if you were willing to let me read your mind: he sends, eventually, after lots of mulling it over. :Just for - one minute, that would be enough, I think it would help me feel - situated. Only if you are comfortable with that, though: 

I thought about it and I think - if I weren't comfortable then that'd be a worrying sign about whether we should do this at all. You're you, and you need to be - oriented, to feel safe - 

He takes off the amulet. 

It's strange how Leareth feels more fragile now that he's asked for this but maybe it's just that Maitimo's paying more attention, paying extremely close attention, and attributing every panic attack to himself when probably some of them have nothing to do with him. 

It's nice, petting Leareth's hair. It feels - evil - Vanyel pointed out that he would be hurting Leareth, if he carried that attitude into this, and Vanyel was right and yet it's hard to get around the fact that it feels evil, falling in love with a man, taking him prisoner, putting him together again, and then petting his hair while he sits on your lap and trembles - and maybe that means he's doing something wrong but also he always feels evil when he wants someone -

- he wants Leareth to recover. That's by far the most important thing. And if this is - a facet of the world, that it certainly is, one that Melkor would have firmly made salient - then it's a facet of the world Leareth wants a command of, wants to win at, wants to understand how to use to get what he wants, and Maitimo can relate to that, a lot, really, and maybe it's not what people are supposed to do but people aren't supposed to do any of the things Leareth has done - he meant to avoid thinking about that while Leareth was reading his mind, he tucks it away for later - anyway if that's what Leareth wants then Maitimo wants to show him, wants to help him figure it out - wants Leareth to feel competent to get what he wants, and to know what it is -

:Thank you. That is enough: Leareth reaches out. Takes Maitimo’s hand, places the amulet in it.

...Maitimo understands him almost frighteningly well.  He’s happy and nervous and confused all at once, almost enough to make him dizzy.

He puts it back on. You know, at first I wondered if you had a way around it. Then you'd get the benefits of my thinking not being constrained by awareness of mindreading and the benefits of reading my mind. It seems like it'd have to be tempting.

:...I suppose: Leareth shakes his head. :I actually try to avoid that sort of lie, especially to - people I wish to be allies with, who would feel betrayed if they found out. I will conceal information but that itself was no surprise up you - and therefore not really a betrayal, I think. It is very high overhead, to track a lie like that - avoid letting slip anything I ought have no way to know - and I prefer to reserve my mental capacity for other things:

He nods. He pets him. You sound the most like yourself when you're talking about - how you make decisions. It's very good.

:- I mean, I am not sure I could make new decisions that way, now. Decisions are - hard. But I remember the habits and heuristics I had before:

Nod. You remember it but it'd be - really scary to use it?

Nod. He’s trembling slightly again.

It's okay. It'll be okay.

:I think so. It is - getting better. Just...: It’s starting to feel hard to put words together. :Still scared:

Well, he can hold him and sing for as long as it's needed.

Leareth should eat something eventually. Maybe go for a walk, obviously he and Maitimo can’t obviously touch each other during that but they can talk. This feels like a decent amount of progress for one day and Leareth isn’t keen to push it further.

That sounds good to him. They can get food, and walk and talk about scouting the other continent, and then probably Leareth should rest. 

Probably. Humans need a lot of sleep and Leareth does in particular nowadays, he has more energy than he did at the start but still gets tired a lot faster than before.

He’d like it if Maitimo holds him and sings and pets him a bit while he’s falling asleep.

He'd be delighted.

Then he’ll have a content and pleased-with-himself Leareth fall asleep in his arms.

(Leareth is genuinely very happy with everything about today. He also feels - confused, and scared, and sort of sad - but he’s leaving those bits below the surface, to deal with later.)

Well, he's not a mindreader. Though he has noticed that Leareth used to push his thoughts at him rather than composing them, and is doing that less. Maybe it's that more often he has the energy to actually communicate with words. But it seems like it might not be just that?

He goes and sings by the beach until he's tired enough to sleep himself.

Leareth greets Maitimo with Mindspeech right away when he wakes up, but after that he wants some time alone. The inside of his head feels very loud today, for some reason, and he's not sure what to do to get it to stop that, except waiting and doing other things. 

Maitimo will attend linguistics guild meetings and check in on other recovering injured people here (mostly not the other Angband survivors).

Leareth has lunch with Vanyel in Vanyel's rooms. They mostly don't talk about Maitimo, because Leareth feels kind of awkward about it. 

(Vanyel finds it an embarrassing and difficult topic too, and will happily leave it alone.) 

:I would like to see you this afternoon: Leareth tells Maitimo after lunch. :If you are free: 

Certainly! Leareth is being more assertive about wanting him and that seems good.

Leareth is waiting for Maitimo in his room. Feeling - happy to see him, and also nervous and confused and weirdly shy. He goes to Maitimo for a hug. "How was your morning?" 

"Linguistics guild is debating whether to release meeting minutes in Valdemaran."

"Of their meetings here? Is anyone in Valdemar asking for them?" 

"No one is! They are worried that there must be a good explanation and maybe it's that by not publishing minutes in Valdemaran they're being unwelcoming."

"Has it occurred to them that literally no one in Valdemar is going to be thinking 'oh, my top priority for this week is reading meeting minutes about linguistics from another world'?" 

"I tried suggesting that but, you know, gently. I'm not sure it got through."

"Well, I hope they do not continue to labour under the misapprehension that someone in Valdemar is deeply offended about the omission." 

Leareth falls silent, leaning on Maitimo's shoulder. Thinking. It's annoyingly hard to talk about, he sort of wishes he could do the shoving-thoughts-at-Maitimo method instead of bothering, but - he's not sure it'll all come out in the right order and with the right feelings attached, now, if he does that. 

"An idea I had," he says finally, "is that - one of the things Melkor will not have been able to poison as much, probably, is - where I am the one taking actions. So I thought, maybe, you could tell me ways that you like to be touched and then I could decide whether I feel ready to try some. You could start with things that would still be - going slowly. What do you think?" 

"That occurred to me too. You could play with my hair, if you liked, though if you do I will be very distracted."

"...I am going to take a bit of time to figure out whether I want to do that." He thinks the answer will almost certainly be yes, but the way he's actually feeling right now is 'kind of overwhelmed', and he would prefer to see if he can sit with it for a while and get something more like 'excitement' or 'happiness' about it. 

"How very responsible." He will wait patiently and sing.

Leareth is mostly mentally simulating touching Maitimo's hair, and Maitimo being happy and distracted, and seeing if the overwhelmed-scared component will settle down.

"Yes, I want to," he says finally, which is true. It's not an entirely uncomplicated wanting, but - well, nothing is and it's not going to be, right now. "I might - pause, sometimes, if it gets overwhelming, it does not necessarily mean I want to stop entirely and it definitely would not be your fault." 

"I am not going to worry it is my fault." Hug. 

He's a little worried that Maitimo is trying very hard to make all of this non-stressful for him, which is impossible, and feeling bad when it's inevitably sometimes stressful anyway. Maitimo probably doesn't want Leareth to worry about his feelings there, though, so he doesn't say anything.

He settles himself in a comfortable position and then, slowly and cautiously, reaches for the end of Maitimo's braid. 

Maitimo smiles slightly at him and waits patiently.

What happens if he undoes the tie at the end of Maitimo's braid. 

If Findekáno did that he would pout and threaten to do it himself but he's - not sure if they're allowed to joke, yet. He waits.

Leareth starts undoing the braid. Stops a few seconds again, this time in amazement. "Your hair is so soft!" Probably it's annoying to keep stopping more than necessary, though, so he continues unraveling it.

(Softsoftsoft. That part is really nice, actually. There aren't a lot of sensory experiences that are almost-purely-pleasant right now, and running his fingers through Quendi hair is up there.) 

He tries not to be startling about it or anything but he is very distracted!

It makes him feel - a weird, but not inaccurate, description of the feeling is 'powerful'. He is really, absurdly, obviously having an effect on the world right now! If only on Maitimo. 

...Which is a complicated feeling, right now, he feels proud and satisfied and also terrified and confused, which is a bizarre mixture, and every so often his head starts to feel full to bursting, and he has to pause for a moment and close his eyes and pretend he's somewhere else until his emotions settle. 

Eventually he figures out that it's less overwhelming if part of him stays detached from it, like he's observing through a window. The same feelings are mostly still happening but it's a bit less - loud, and messy.

Hopefully Leareth is having a good time and making good decisions because he can't super read him right now while very distracted. 

Leareth stops after a while, shifts so he can cuddle with Maitimo. Maybe at an angle where Maitimo can't really see his face, to start. He waits to see if Maitimo is going to say or do anything. 

"How're you feeling?"

"...Good. That was...a lot, though..." He switches to Mindspeech, it's still easier. :I felt - I guess, like I had the power to do something in the world, even if it was only - making you happy. And that felt very good and also kind of scary, and just - a lot of feelings, so it was a little overwhelming, that was why I stopped for a moment sometimes. But, I am very glad we tried it: Snuggle. :I love you: 

I love you. I want you to have the power to do things in the world, things like that. I think it is an important part of being you, doing things in the world.

:I know why it is kind of scary - I tried not to do any things for a long time - I tried not to want things, I thought that anything I wanted was just a way Melkor could exploit me. And that is not true anymore but there are still - habits. That I want to try to unlearn: 

That makes sense. That's why we're taking it slow. But - I'm proud of you, and I'm glad you can do things, even if it's a little scary. Even if they're not objectively very dangerous things.

It feels warm and safe and also confusing, that Maitimo is proud of him. Leareth tries to bask in the positive aspects of it. He's surprisingly tired, too. 

Sleep song?

It's still the middle of the afternoon so he shouldn't sleep too long, but a nap would be nice. :Yes, please: 

So he will sing Leareth down for a nap and then go catch up on work.

That seemed - okay? They should definitely, definitely be taking this slowly but Leareth seemed happy at the end of it. And maybe it really is just one of those things that improves with practice - though actually he should also recommend Melody, he makes a mental note to do that.

"Are you sure you do not mind?" Leareth asks, when Maitimo brings it up. "I know you feel very private about this." 

"I feel scared that several people know. It feels like it will get out at some point. But Vanyel was very sure of Melody and I think it'd be really good for you and -" shrug. "If it does get out I will see whether I can weather it. I think my father will back me, if it's you. People will think very poorly of my character but -" Shrug. It's a very tense shrug, though.

"...I am sorry. I do think talking to Melody would help, and I would trust her discretion, she has a lot of practice with that." Hug?  

Hug. "It's worth it - you're worth it - I just - spent so long not caring about anything more than I cared about keeping this secret -"

"I know." He doesn't really know what else to say about it. "Maybe it will change how the Noldor think about it, eventually, that there are other worlds, and all of the Valdemaran leadership think it is fine. And then maybe you will not need to keep it secret in general forever." 

"That would be nice."

"...You know this is not a thing about you that is intrinsically bad, right? Just because of how your people feel about it?" 

" - I know that people can be wrong about things. I don't think you are doing anything wrong, and I don't think less of you for - wanting this."

"Well, I do not think less of you either. I think you are very good." 

"But what if the whole war against Melkor was just my evil plot to get the most impressive person in all the worlds to pay attention to me."

Leareth pretends to look thoughtful, peering at Maitimo. "...I am dubious that you could have pulled it off," he says, smiling a little. 

"What? Surely if anyone could pull it off it would be me."

"I suppose it would be even less plausible for anyone else. That is true." Leareth leans his head on Maitimo's shoulder. 

"Should I ask Melody to come over tomorrow?"

"Yes, I think that would be good." 

Melody would be happy to come over tomorrow and check up on how Leareth is doing. 

Maitimo kind of feels like he should - explain? Or something? Maybe he should let Leareth do that?

Leareth takes a deep breath and tries to say something but his mind is refusing to give him coherent words. :Maitimo can you please tell her: 

"Leareth told me a couple of days ago that he wants to pursue an intimate relationship and thinks it will be good for him," he says. "We would like your advice. And your help, if your advice is not 'absolutely do not do that', which would be reasonable advice."

"Oh." Melody blinks a few time and her hands go more still than usual; other than that, her reaction is impossible to read. "I - hmm - let me think about that for a moment, please." She falls silent. 

(Leareth is stupidly nervous, and he's trying to hide this and failing utterly.) 

"Well," Melody says finally, "I have to say I'm very surprised. And - it's certainly unusually delicate to even be attempting, right now. It makes sense that you want my advice and I'm glad you decided to tell me even though it's very private. Leareth, hmm, can you try to tell me some of what you've been thinking and feeling, around this?" 

Leareth can definitely try! There are a lot of disjointed sentences and long pauses and occasionally flailing at Maitimo for help, but he confesses having accidentally overheard Maitimo's thoughts, which made him consider his own feelings and whether they were romantic in nature. He tries to describe the things that feel good, here - how he's annoyed that literally all of his memories about sex are from Melkor and he wants to...try to reclaim some of that territory. How it's a way of easing into wanting more things and being assertive about what he wants and taking more actions on purpose, and feel very rewarded for it because Maitimo is inevitably proud and happy.

He finds it harder to talk about the difficult parts, which isn't surprising, but he can express that it's often scary for the same reason any other category of wanting things is, and because of all the specific bad associations even though they're trying to be very careful and slow and sidestep as much of that as possible. He says he feels confused about what he wants, a lot, but that he thinks this kind of makes sense. 

Maitimo will hug him but not help explain very much because he's suddenly worried that this will look to Melody like something he engineered, which would be an awful thing to do but how much more awful than falling in love with a man in the first place, really. 

Melody waits, very patiently, not interrupting even when it takes Leareth six tries to say something.

"I'm not going to tell you not to," she says, when he's done. She sounds a bit tired. "I think it's - risky, but you know that, I doubt I'm adding any new information here. And it sounds like you've been navigating things pretty sensibly so far and not expecting everything to just instantly work. I do want you to talk to me about what you're feeling, all right? Don't try to ignore your feelings even if they're being very inconvenient and in the way." 

Nod. "I know. I am trying not to." 

She smiles at him, and then meets Maitimo's eyes. :I assume you don't need to be told to be really, really careful with him?: 

I know. I'm really nervous about this, honestly, just - also nervous about telling him he can't have things he managed to notice we both want because he's too fragile -

:I know. I don't want to tell him that either, and - well, it's Leareth, he's usually pretty smart about things. If I think he's at risk of hurting himself, I'll make a case for it to him and hopefully get his buy-in on waiting. Anyway. I...just wanted to say, he seems to have a lot riding on this, it feels very high-stakes to him and I don't totally understand why. I guess he loves you a lot, that's a new experience for him, and he's probably pretty afraid of screwing it up: 

Okay. I will - try to make sure that doesn't happen.

:...I'm finding myself a bit worried that he's already pushing himself too hard, on some dimension. Knowing him, I'm concerned he'll fall back on just trying to override emotions he finds inconvenient rather than being patient with them, I don't think he's used to - his mind not always working the way he wants it to. I don't know what to do about it other than remind him a lot that it's normal to be finding this hard and he should be expecting things to take time. And making sure I check in with him. I should probably come by more often, for the next bit: 

I think that's a good idea. And - yeah, I would expect him to do that. I will try to make sure we don't - rush anything.

Nod. :It would have been better if this hadn't come up for a few more months, I think - or years - but it did. And - he loves you, I have no doubt of that, even if he wasn't thinking to call it that before:

I hadn't been planning to let him notice for - decades, if it seemed necessary - I really did not want - Sigh. 

:I know. It's not your fault: 

She says some more reassuring things to Leareth, reminds him in several different phrasings that it's very, very important he pay attention to his feelings and talk to Maitimo about it even if they're very unreasonable feelings, and then heads out. 

"You know I won't be upset if you abruptly change your mind about anything, right -"

"I know. I am - I hope I will not, but - I am sort of expecting that I will have weird unpredictable emotions about things, and be more scared sometimes." 

"And that's completely okay and I won't be disappointed and you shouldn't ignore it, it'll only make it harder in the long run."

Nod. 

"...I feel kind of scared right now. I think because - I know you and Melody were talking, just now, I am sure she just wanted to make sure we were - being careful and not stupid about this, but - I suppose I find it disorienting, when there is context I do not know about. You do not have to tell me if it is private, though." 

"Just that we were being careful, and that it seemed - really really important to you, for some reason. And the thing I just told you about not ignoring your feelings when they're inconvenient."

–Leareth goes still. He isn't sure why it's so terrifying for Maitimo to say that - for Melody to have brought it up at all...

Yet again his mouth isn't cooperating with saying words. :I - you are very important to me: he says. :You already were, even before this: 

Hey. It's okay. I'm sorry. I'm not - going to use it against you or something, I promise.

:I know: Hug? 

Hug. 

He's very tired again, even though Melody didn't do any actual Mindhealing this time. :I need a nap, I think. Could you sing the sleep song?: 

Of course.

Leareth falls asleep. Doesn't relax fully until he's out. 

He goes for a walk.

It is really not great how apparently this is the most important thing in the universe to Leareth and also half the time it's randomly traumatizing! He's pretty stressed about it! He can do it, he can help Leareth get what he wants and not be miserable about it, he can make sure everything works, but it feels really hard and insurmountable and like it could've been nice if not for stupid Angband even though probably he couldn't have had it at all without Angband - and that would have been better, it would have been better to have Leareth intact and at a polite distance -

- this is his fault -

- he needs to get back to work. He takes the long way around the island and then does that.

Leareth wakes up from his nap feeling - a lot better, actually. He's not sure what he was so painfully anxious about, before. Things are fine; things are really good, actually. 

(He loves Maitimo so much...)

He gets up and catches up his notes, making them very cryptic. He spends a while remembering what they've done so far - Maitimo petting his hair, playing with Maitimo's hair which is the softest thing in the universe - and he tries to notice and acknowledge all of his feelings, even the inconvenient ones. Of which there are some, there's a sense of confusion in the background still, and touching Maitimo was pretty overwhelming. He thinks it won't be as stressful in the future, though, a lot of it was that it was new, new and different things are always harder now. (Someday he'll be really, properly okay again and that won't be true anymore. He hopes.) And it was still good - in memory it's less loud and so he can focus on the nice parts of it more.

:I am thinking about you: he tells Maitimo eventually. 

Does that mean I should come over?

:If you like! For a little while. I think I should not try to push myself too hard today, since I was so anxious about things before: He wants to reassure Maitimo that he's definitely being careful about that. 

I agree! I can come over for a little while, though.

:I look forward to it: And he's waiting to hug Maitimo. 

Hug. Have you had dinner?

:Not yet. I should: 

So he gets him dinner. Wishes him goodnight. Hugs him again, but not like he wouldn't have a week ago.

Leareth seems happy and affectionate and about as relaxed as he ever is. 

:Goodnight. I love you: 

Love you.

The next few weeks pass.

Maitimo doesn't suggest any new activities, and Leareth - has no idea what would be next, actually, literally all his context on sex acts that exist is based on Melkor hallucinations which he should probably just ignore entirely as a source.

He thinks about Maitimo and how much he loves him a lot. He - is mostly not scared that Maitimo is going to leave, right now. It does seem like this is harder than he expected, for himself but also for Maitimo. But - it's going to get easier, he thinks, and it seems to. Touching Maitimo's hair is less overwhelming the second time they do it, and the third time he doesn't have to hold any of himself back and can just enjoy it. Except for the random stupid flinch-reactions that occasionally happen, usually he can't even figure out what the bad association is. He tries to not be annoyed with it, and just wait and move on.

He tries to be pretty honest with Maitimo about what he's feeling, because Maitimo wants information on how to make Leareth happy (because he's wonderful). Usually what he's feeling is happy, which he endorses, and scared, which he wishes he didn't but is understandable, or confused, and confused about why, but...shrug, that just seems to be a thing. 

It takes three weeks before he can confidently say that this is - comfortable, fine, he's barely having to do any emotion-wrangling in the background to keep it that way.

:I am - quite happy with how things are now: he tells Maitimo the next time they're together, cuddling, :but - I would be ready to try more things and see what it is like. If you want: 

What I want depends very much on what you want. He kisses his forehead.

:–I think I would like kissing you. It is - likely to also be very overwhelming at first, but...I want to try at some point: 

It seems like a good next thing to try. I can hold still, and it's fine if it's stressful the first time - or not all that much fun ever, not everyone cares too much for kissing...

:That is good to know - I do not think I have ever kissed anyone in this body, and I do not retain complete memories from previous lives so if I enjoyed kissing in the past I do not recall it now...: He shuts up, because that's skirting dangerously close to the topic Maitimo doesn't want to speak of. 

You seemed very lonely, when I first met you.