Kani's life, these days, tends to follow what she understands to be the path of least resistance.

Right now, that means she's going to stay in bed for another hour or two (It doesn't matter, none of this matters), curled up, hugging her knees. She doesn't have any reason to get up, after all.

(Eventually, though, her body provides her with a few.)

When she gets back from the bathroom, she eats two of the protein bars from the box her desk, letting the wrapper join its sisters on the floor. They don't really taste like anything. (She doesn't care. Food's food. She has to eat something - her fathers notice, if she doesn't, and they get worried, and if she keeps not eating, she'd end up in a hospital, and she never wants to be in a hospital ever again. So she eats.)

She boots up her laptop.

She has homework. (If she skips it, the teachers get concerned, they call her fathers, they get worried, she has to go to more therapy sessions, (and - Thrana wouldn't have wanted-) It's easier to just do the homework. A bad grade isn't the end of the world.)

It's a precal worksheet. Periodic functions.

She remembers Mags telling her about these, two years ago, so excited about what she was learning and so bad at noticing when Kani was too stupid to keep up with her. Sine and cosine, waves repeating forever, an animation Mags had made of a point spinning around a circle with the graphs in the background and the labeled functions. 

Almost everything Mags had said that afternoon had gone in one ear and out the other, but Kani had been hypnotized by that circle, and now it returns to her mind in her hour of need. For once, her math homework is straightforward, and she's finished well before sunset. 

(She thinks about messaging Mags about it, but - there are so many unread messages she'd need to read, and respond to, first. Just thinking about it is exhausting. It's easier not to.)

She decides to go for a hike down to the river. (Dad tends to get worried when she doesn't leave the house, and since she's made it clear that she's only going to do school remotely, she really only goes out for hikes, or when she's being forced to go to some kind of appointment. And if he gets worried enough, he won't be able to resist being the one who comes into her room to check on her when she's asleep, and unlike Papa he's bad at being quiet about it. It's easier if she goes on hikes, once in a while.)

And... she likes it by the river. Not enough to actively look forward to it, but - it's nice.

She gets dressed for an early fall hike and slips out of her room. Neither father will be home for a few hours, which suits her just fine.

She grabs her bag from the hallway banister; it's already packed. (Dad repacks it every time she uses it, which is his way of trying to encourage her to go out whenever she wants, as long as she's safe. If she goes long enough without hiking, she'll find it in her room instead of out here.)

 She doesn't bother taking inventory - she knows what's inside. Water bottle and a flashlight in the side pockets, trail mix, some fruit gummies, a lightweight layered coat, a spare phone battery, and at the bottom, the same kind of travel first-aid kit that the 3 of them have used all her life. (Papa always did his best to show her how to use it, when he had a chance, and she'd been an eager student. (Of course, the time that knowledge might have helped her the most, she'd been too late, too late, too late))

She shoulders the bag and winces at the sound of the ice rattling against the metallic edges of the water bottle. (She knows from experience that they melt after a few days even with the bottle closed, which means Dad checks and keeps it filled every time, because he knows she does a much better job staying hydrated when the water is cold. Because he still loves her, even if she's just a hollowed out shell of the daughter he raised, and this is one of the few ways he feels like he can express that love.)

She feels a dull pain in her chest, like there's an empty hole inside of her. (There is an empty hole inside of her.) 

She pulls on her headphones, selects her hiking playlist, grabs a mask (she knows she doesn't need it anymore, she knows, she knows), and heads out the door.

 The sun is starting to set as she leaves, which means it'll be dark on the way back, but she'll be fine. She has her flashlight, water, plenty of snacks, and her trusty first aid kit. There's nothing to worry about. It's not a hard hike, and it's one she's done dozens of times.

The path to the river is a few miles, and goes over some rocky terrain. She stumbles, once or twice, but it's fine. The river is waiting.

The river is... nice. She goes to sit down on her favorite rock, and slides her backpack down onto it next to her. She listens to the water running (...is it louder than usual?) for a while, long enough that she loses track of time. 

It's spring. The melting ice caps upriver have the banks a little higher than usual, and a little faster, too.

Kani's favorite rock is dark with moisture, when she sits down, and as she dangles her feet off the side like she always does, they get soaked. The river's rapid current sends water into the air around her in little bursts.

She stays for about an hour, as she'd planned, and then decides to turn back. She puts on her backpack, and gets out her flashlight.

She's soaked. It's cold. And her flashlight, having taken more water from the river than was good for it... doesn't turn on when she presses the button.

She presses the on/off switch a couple times, vaguely confused.

She feels like... something isn't quite right. It's hard to place, though. (It's not the usual feeling, the one that nothing will ever be okay again. She knows.)

She'll be fine. She has her flashlight, water, plenty of snacks, and her trusty first-aid kit. There's nothing to worry about. It's not a hard hike, and it's one she's done dozens of times.

She pauses to drink a long gulp of the deliciously ice-cold water, eats a few handfuls of trail mix, and then repacks her bag.

She gets back on the trail, trusty flashlight in hand to light the way.

The sun has long since set. The pale light of the moon (waxing gibbous) does little to illuminate the ground in front of Kani, but it's better than a dead flashlight. And her waterlogged shoes aren't doing her any favors, either, though she moves with the same confidence she had on the way here. 

The first three times she bumps into something and stumbles in the dark, she catches herself. The fourth time, she's not so lucky.

She falls, hard, her left knee bashing into a rock and splitting open.

She cries out in shock and pain. It hurts, sending jolts through her system. She hears the tinkling of breaking glass. Augh! What... happened...

Kani pulls herself to her feet. (...why was she on the ground?) It doesn't matter. She'll be fine. She has her flashlight, water, plenty of snacks, and her trusty first-aid kit. There's nothing to worry about. It's not a hard hike, and it's one she's done dozens of times.

A bleeding kneecap isn't something that will prevent anyone from walking, of course, but it is the kind of thing that one wants to be careful with.

Kani's moving a lot slower, now, both because her hurt leg doesn't want to swing as far and because she's struggling to keep her balance. She stumbles often, but manages to stay upright as she makes her way up the slope that marks the midpoint between the shoreline and home. (She's shivering. Her phone buzzes, now and then. She doesn't seem to notice.)

Kani is - confused? Something seems wrong. She's not sure what, exactly. Something... is more difficult than usual? Hurts more than usual? Both, maybe? Ugh.

She can figure it out later, maybe.  She'll be fine. She has her flashlight, water, plenty of snacks, and her trusty first-aid kit. There's nothing to worry about. It's not a hard hike, and it's one she's done dozens of times. She keeps going.

Despite the pain and the cold, she can keep going like this for a while. She's young, and healthy of body, if not of mind. 

She even manages to fall gently, the first time her knee gives out on her, and gets back up like nothing happened.

The second time, however, she tumbles forward down the rocky slope. Her headphones and mask fly off her face, and she lands on her right arm with a sickening crunch.

 - pain - what - pain - happened?

she screams, from the confusion and fear as much as from the pain itself.

They were already coming down the path to find her, since "Kani is out hiking, after dark, not responding to messages or calls" is in fact the kind of thing they worry about.  

When the screaming starts, they're in earshot, and they come running. 

They arrive on the scene; their daughter is face down on the trail, bruised and bleeding. 

They rush to her side. They've done their share of first aid together, on the job; they have a routine. (Kani usually kind of hates it, when she notices they're doing that, but she's too - confused, or in shock, or something to do more than sob in distress.)

They get her wounds bandaged and cleaned, build a makeshift splint for the arm they strongly suspect is broken, and bring her home via a fireman's carry. They give up on trying to get her to drop her broken flashlight (her fingers gripping it are bone-white, but she won't let go) or get an explanation out of her (She seems more confused than they are, really, she was having a normal hike?) for now - that can wait.

Safely home, they do a second pass of first aid, including painkillers, cleaning and redressing all her wounds, and helping her get the mud off her without getting into what would be an extremely painful shower with all these cuts and bruises. They ice her broken arm to try and keep the swelling down.

Then they start to argue.

"Dear, I know she hates hospitals, but her arm is broken. We are not qualified to treat a broken arm! You know this!"

     "Yes, but - look at her, she's terrified, if we take her to the hospital like this it could be horrible for her, and you know how fragile she is right now-"

"Her arm is broken. We can't just -"

     "We could at least wait a bit, the bone hasn't punctured skin, there aren't any signs of internal bleeding. Give her time to think about it, come to terms with it."

"...Okay. We can wait an hour. But I'm staying right here the whole time, and if she starts to get worse, we're taking her straight there."

     "Alright. I'll call ahead and make all 3 of us some soup."

"Okay. I'll explain what's going on as best I can."

Kani is confused and in pain and scared!! She was - hiking back from the river, and everything was fine, and then - it wasn't fine? Isn't fine? She's in pain and she doesn't understand why and it's kind of overwhelming, it's a lot of pain. Her fathers are here and taking care of her and she appreciates that but it's - confusing.

...Papa trying to talk to her. She tries to focus.

     "Kankan, we need to take you to the hospital. I'm sorry, I know you hate it there, but [??¿¿] and we can't treat that here."

She makes a kind of pathetic confused noise, and he pauses.

     "-what part is confusing, honey?"

"Um - why do I need to go the hospital?" She's shaking, and wincing in pain.

Papa stares at her, fear creeping into his eyes.

      "Kankan, you [??¿¿]. Do you - can you not tell that [??¿¿]?"

She makes a frightened whimper.

"Oh, honey..." 

He doesn't understand what's going on, and he really doesn't like that. He checks her temperature with his hand (still fine), her pulse and demeanor for signs of shock (none, which is a relief but a bit confusing), and does another careful inspection of her head. Nothing. It's possible to sustain a head injury with no external sign of damage, though...

"When you fell, did you hit your head?"

       She gives him that same confused, frightened stare that she did when he asked about her broken arm, and he does not like that at all.

"Kankan. This is really important - I need you to focus, okay? Can you tell me if your head hurts?"

        Her face screws up in the way he recognizes as her concentrating even though it's hard. "...it doesn't", she says softly after a while.

He sighs in relief. "What about your arm? Does your arm hurt?"

        That same look of concentration, but for much less time. "Yes," she whispers. "It hurts really really badly."

Papa sighs in relief.

      "We're going to take you to the hospital for your arm. [??¿¿], and they can fix that."

What - ugh. She hates the hospital, hates all the memories it brings back, but - her arm really really really hurts, and she's so confused and scared.

She slumps in defeat, and nods slightly, trying not to cry.

Papa goes to go talk to Dad. (She's not really listening.)

"Dave, I think there's something wrong."

       "You mean be-"

"Yes, I mean besides the broken arm. And her poor knee, and the other scrapes. She's - she looked so confused when I was talking about her broken arm. It was like I was speaking another language."

        He frowns. "We checked her for head injuries..."

"And I just did another check, and I asked her if her head was hurting (it's not), and if she could tell her arm was hurting (she can). It's weird, Dave. It's weird, and I don't like it all."

        "I don't either, love. But we'll get through it. Go sit with her, I'll be right there. Soup's almost ready."

Soup!!! She reaches out to grab the spoon and OWOWOWOWOW

      "Kankan, [??¿¿]! Eat with your left hand, okay?"

She whimpers. She doesn't understand, but - she can try and eat with her left hand? For mysterious reasons?

Eating with your left hand SUCKS. It's slow and it's clumsy and she's in SO MUCH PAIN. Why is she doing this? She should just - OWOWOWOW

Wow, Pete was right, that is really concerning! He's really concerned!

 "Kanikins... can you do me a big favor? Can you try really hard not to move your right arm at all? For me? Tell you what -  I'll make you a quad batch of pesto tomorrow, and handle all the cleaning. Just give this a try for me."

This is a confusing request and Kani is already very confused and distressed! 

On the other hand. A quad batch of pesto. And she doesn't have to clean the blender or bowls... 

She nods, hesitantly, and continues the miserable task of trying to eat soup with her left hand. It's for a good cause.

Then, it's - time to go to the hospital, because of [??¿¿]. (And because of the pain, but the thing they keep coming back to is [??¿¿].)

She can't even tell if they mean the same thing each time when they say [??¿¿]. It's hard to think about, and she's tired of trying. They're going to the hospital for stupid horrible reasons. Stupid horrible things will happen to her there, probably, and it'll be scary and confusing and overwhelming. She can microdose on Thrana's teenage life experience! What a beautiful tribute -

Mercifully, they pick up on the way she gets more stressed / agitated / confused whenever they bring up her broken arm, and privately agree to stop mentioning it. They pack into their old station wagon, with Papa sitting in the back seat with Kani.

The hospital is about an hour's drive away. They pick up where they left off on the Small Gods audiobook, which serves as a merciful distraction for at least some of their worries.

When they get there, Dad goes in ahead to talk to the staff at the front desk. (He tries to tell them to not mention the broken arm while treating it. They do not really seem to understand why this would be necessary, so he's not hopeful about them actually doing it.)

She's in pain and confused and scared, and the moment she steps into the hospital her brain helpfully reminds her of all the times she was here to -

She clings to Papa, only using her left hand because she told Dad she'd try not to use her other arm.

They take her to a waiting room. A nurse comes in and looks her over, his face gentle with concern.

"Oh no, you poor thing! How did [??¿¿]?"

GOOD FUCKING QUESTION, she thinks with a mental snarl, but it doesn't reach her face.

"We're not exactly sure, but we think it happened while she was hiking", he mutters, noticing the way Kani shifts uncomfortably at the question and then again when he says "it happened".

...Maybe she's having some kind of trauma response? They did so much reading about PTSD, after what happened with Thrana, and he knows that sometimes people suppress memories. As best any of them can tell, that certainly hasn't been Kani's problem with the death of her friend though he wishes it was, it couldn't be worse for her than what she's been going through, but people can and often do respond differently to different kinds of trauma, and little Kankan's never been injured like this before...

He gently rubs his thumb along the back of his daughter's good hand, and worries.

She could try and pay attention to what's going on, maybe clear up some of the (scary, scary) confusion swimming around in her head, but - it's easier not to. She lets Papa and Dad (who rejoins them a few minutes later) handle the interactions with the hospitalpeople. Her mind wanders, unwillingly. 

"Sorry, she isn't well enough for visitors today," the nurse says to Kani and Mags with a sad smile on his face. It's the third time this week. Kani is starting to get scared. She clings to Mags' hand more tightly.

"Has her mom been by?" Mags demands, because the last time that Thrana had seen the two of them, she'd been so hurt and sad that her mom hadn't come by to see her. It was only supposed to be a week, but now it'd been three, and none of them knew what was going on and none of the adults would explain anything, preferring to reassure them that it was all what was best for Thrana.

The way the nurse looks (angry, haunted, guilty) before he shoos them out of the building is unforgettable. Mags asks her, as they walk home, what Kani thinks it means (Mags wasn't good at faces, not at all). She guesses, hesitantly, that he was hiding something bad from them. In the next few weeks, they start to learn what.

It doesn't take them that long to notice that Kani's attention has left the room; they share a look of mixed concern and relief. It never seems like she's remembering happy things, when she does this, but - well, it's a familiar behavior, at least, and it means they can focus on explaining everything they know to the triage nurse and then again to the nurse practitioner about 15 minutes later (quiet night at the hospital, luckily):

They found her collapsed on the hiking trail and did their best to tend to her various cuts and bruises. Yes, she sometimes hikes in the dusk - it's never been a problem before, she's had a lot of safety training. No, she doesn't have a history of falling or clumsiness (she's quite agile, actually, that's part of why this is surprising). No, she doesn't have a history of reckless behavior. 

The NP asks if the broken arm is the primary problem. Dave explains that she's shown persistent confusion when anyone mentions that her arm is broken, though she seems aware that it hurts. The NP frowns, types something into his computer, and then says it's time for her to get the arm x-rayed.

She's dragged back into the present when a hospitalperson moves her arm, the one she wasn't supposed to move, and it hurts so bad the pain sends pulses through her brain like shockwaves.

She doesn't understand why (it hurts) and she's so scared (it hurts). Every time they let go of her (it hurts) she thinks that (it hurts) at least it's over now (it hurts), but then there's a buzzing (it hurts) noise and they come back (it hurts) and move her arm again (it hurts it hurts it hurts). 

It takes a while after they finish the x-rays for Kani to stop crying. She doesn't really respond when they try to gently console her, not even to whimper.

They try playing the audiobook, as much for them as for her, but she doesn't respond to that, either, and though she doesn't complain about it anymore (it takes a lot to make her complain, these days) they know she doesn't like it when they listen without her / when she falls asleep, even if it's something they've all heard before.

They talk about work, quietly, because they don't really know what else to do, and the silence is getting to them. (Kani seems to have fallen into her memories again.)

Eventually, they get called back to see a doctor.

The doctor has some really neat green hair with an asymmetric undercut and a [they/them] on their badge. (Kani almost manages a ghost of a smile, seeing this, but doesn't quite get there.)  

"As your fathers suspected, [??¿¿]," the doctor says. They show her... an x-ray, looking at her like this is supposed to mean something. She doesn't know what they want. She shrugs, then winces as a nasty wave of pain shoots up her left arm for some reason.

They look at her, and then turn to her fathers with a confused frown on their face. Dad says, very carefully, "I believe we mentioned to the intake NP that [??¿¿] whenever someone mentions [??¿¿]?" 

The doctor peers at their computer, mutters "Okay, 'exhibits some signs of [??¿¿]' is not a very useful summary there, and types up something. (Papa inhales in that specific way he does when he's going to say something kind of rude, but stops when Dad puts a hand on his shoulder).

They stop talking to her directly, after that, but she's too tired to do more than just listen.

The doctor is going to [??¿¿] for the [??¿¿], which is standard. They have never seen anything like the [??¿¿] before, and can't really think of an explanation in the absence of [??¿¿], but that they should keep an eye on her in case it seems like it's getting worse, and that they'll do a bit of research if they have time.

She is so sick of hearing about [??¿¿], whatever the fuck it is. Papa notices her getting agitated, and squeezes her shoulder. "We'll be out of here soon", he says. "We just gotta do one more thing, okay?"

(She doesn't respond. How could she possibly agree to anything, when they're just saying gibberish? What would it mean?)

Well, it's a good thing she didn't agree, because "one more thing" is VERY EXTREMELY HORRIBLE PAIN, APPARENTLY, and she WOULD NOT HAVE AGREED TO IT IF SHE'D KNOWN THIS. (not that it matters what she agrees to, obviously, but it's the principle of the thing.)

It hurts to watch. Obviously not as bad as it hurts their poor daughter, but - he feels so helpless, and he can tell Dave does too.

They stay with her as the cast goes on, then Dave gets the discharge and care instructions from the doctor while he takes poor Kani into the other room so she doesn't have to hear it - she's been through enough, for now. "You're being really brave, Kankan. We love you so much."

She doesn't feel very brave! She feels scared and confused and also a dull aching pain! She shrugs (ow ow ow there are worse pains than dull and aching!!!)

Papa flinches when she shrugs, which is very confusing but also makes her feel a little bad. It's probably not his fault that everyone has started speaking gibberish. Probably. 

"...Sorry," she mumbles unhappily.

He pets her head and tells her it's okay. (This is obviously Grown Up Bullshitting, but whatever.) He tells her that Dad is going to get medicine for - get medicine and that they can meet him in the car. ("medicine for what?" she doesn't ask. It's not any of her business.) 

 Papa says they'll get milkshakes and fries on the way home, if she wants. She manages to nod meekly. She does want.

Papa insists on putting her behind the driver's seat even though though she usually prefers the passenger, also on buckling her seatbelt for her, carefully, like he hasn't since she was a little kid. It's confusing and a little insulting, but - it's easier not to complain, and the look in his eyes when he asks is... haunting. 

Dad shows up with a pharmacy bag a little bit later.  Papa gets out of the car and closes the door before talking to him, which is also kind of insulting, but whatever. 

Then they both get in the car, and they're off to go home get milkshakes and fries and then go home.

They stop to get milkshakes and fries; they eat them in the parking lot so Pete can hold the milkshake for Kani to sip from, which she looks confused about and at least a bit annoyed with but puts up with, thankfully. (She does not seem any more aware that her arm is broken than she was before, even with the cast and sling, but the pesto bribe appears to be keeping her from trying to move it anyways, which they're both thankful for.) 

She also agrees to take the strong painkiller (in the worringly resigned way she sometimes gets, these days), which is a relief. She's obviously in a lot of pain even if she doesn't understand why, and this will make it easier to sleep.