There are things Jing Yi expects when he flies through the window to his rooms.

Like his rooms. Like the floor being where he expects. Like all the furniture being out of the way of anyone flying through a window.

He finds none of those things.

There may or may not be a crashing noise. Or a very undignified yelp.

"...does gravity work differently on your planet?"

There's a moment of brief confusion about living on a planet, you know, those bright points in the sky that move through out the year. Those things. Very liveable, in his experience.

But there are probably better things to be confused about, like the person sitting in front of him, dressed like... that. "Like a foreigner" doesn't quite cut it, because he is aware of the fashions of nations around Great Tang and This Is Not One Of Them. And he's better with people than astrology, anyway.

(And he's better at people than existential questions like "How did I get here? This isn't where I meant to be?")

He rubs the back of his neck sheepishly. "No, it's just a bad habit." He waves vaguely in the direction of the window he just fell out of. "More fun than going through doors though."

"No, that is definitely at this very moment a door. Which possibly explains your current condition."

"It's not normally a problem I encounter," he says breezily, as he looks over at the door he just fell through and how the fuck did his window become a door?

"Welcome to Milliways. It's an interdimensional bar which connects people from a variety of different alternate universes. If 'alternate universe' is not a concept which exists in your homeworld I've been working on an explanation for that. First drink is free. I recommend trying something not from your homeworld but specifying that it should taste good to you and shouldn't have any unexpected effects on your body chemistry, one of the guys I talked to tried a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster and that did not end well."

Jing Yi picks himself up from the floor.

He knows what a bar is! He knows... basically none of the other adjectives or nouns there, but he can work with 'bar'. 'Deeply, deeply weird bar' is a starting point and he will take it.

He will also take 'pumping the first friendly face for information.' Always a good strategy, that one, and the person in front of him does seem reasonably well-meaning, if not easy to understand.. "Do you have any recommendations? Other than 'not the pan galactic gargle blaster.'" (What a delightful string of utter nonsense to say.)

"My recommendation is to ask the Bar. She napkins."

"Napkin" is not something he's used to being a verb, but. When magic doors are involved, weird verbs are the least of one's worries.(Thing to worry about later: working out whether this is an incredibly over-elaborate con, or if somehow magic is real. Neither option is great! Neither option is his main worry right now.)

He heads in the direction of what he's pretty sure is the bar? and, us asks it? (This is probably a prank played on newcomers. But playing along will let the other's guard down, and that's worth a little egg on one's face. Especially seeing as he already has egg on his face on account of the crashing.) "Do you have any recommendations? Uh, 'that will taste good ti me and won't have any unexpected effects on my body chemistry'?"

Yes, says a napkin. 

He is presented with a cup of what an Earthling from the 2010s would probably recognize as salted cheese boba milk tea. 

"Thank you," he says to... the napkin, because that seems only polite, and takes it.

He sits down on the other side of the table to the man he talked to, ready for the hazing or the prank to happen, and takes a sip.

Oh god is that sweet. And rich. It's not the sweetest or richest thing he's ever eaten, but it's probably the richest thing he has ever drunk? It's A Lot. He nearly chokes on the Chewy Sweet Balls of Mystery because he didn't entirely expect them to be so solid. 

It's good but--

--okay, he is never going to be able to explain it as 'I was given a drink so sweet that it convinced me magic was real,' not and sound sane, but. There is a rapidly shrinking number of explanations were nothing supernatural is going on at all.

"So, this exists," he says, gesturing at the cup, and it's not the most appropriate or coherent way to continue the conversation. But in his defense, the bits of his brain that aren't rattling around in confusion are preoccupied going sweeeeeeeeet~~

"Yeah! It's really cool."

He bounces in his seat.

"Do you know what alternate universes are?"

"I can't say I've encountered the concept."

"Okay, so, you can imagine universes that are different than yours-- uh, this would be easier if I knew what traits your universe has, but maybe a different person rules your country or a war went differently or some great scientific discovery was made at a different time?" 

"A different person could rule my country, that is something that is imaginable." Should be be saying something close to treason to this man? It'd probably be fine; it's not like he knows who the Emperor is. (He is enough of a Chang'an native and a member of the nobility to find the idea of someone not knowing who the Emperor is weird, like someone not knowing what a mountain was, but he's not so self absorbed as to not be able to imagine it.)

"Right, so, it turns out those universes actually exist and Milliways lets you meet people from them. Except sometimes they're different in ways like 'magic exists'-- or 'magic doesn't exist' if you're from a world with magic-- or 'cats are people' or 'everyone breaks into songs about their feelings constantly' or 'instead of humans everyone is octopuses.'"

(There are brief mental images of some of the ways the world and his life could have been different, which get very quickly stuffed back in their box for being Irrelevant.)

(There is also the brief mental image of Xiao Jinyu in one of those worlds where everyone bursts into song all the time, which is is allowed to stay because it is hilarious. ("♫ I care about Justice so much~♫"))

"You sure know a lot about this stuff." (Yes yes its very tacky to get someone talking about themselves to get information, but tacky works.)

"I've been working on a form to simplify the meeting-people process!"

He presents an odd glowing rectangle with words on it. The words say:

I am from:

-An Earth 
-An Arda 
-A Valdemar
-An Amenta
-A non-repeating world

[These are illustrated with pictures of the geography of each.]

Lev is from an Earth. 

My world's tech level is:
-Stone Age (counting, oral tradition)
-Bronze Age (arithmetic, writing)
-Iron Age (geometry, scrolls)
-Medieval (algebra, books)
-Age of Sail (calculus, movable type)
-Industrial Revolution (mechanical calculators, telegraph)
-Mechanized Age (electrical calculators, telephone and radio)
-Nuclear Age (mainframe computers, television)
-Digital Age (personal computers, Internet)
-Microtech Age (artificial intelligence, real-time virtuality)
-Robotic Age (nanotech, brain transplants)
-Exotic Matter (cellular regeneration, portable fusion)
-Extreme High Tech (full regeneration, black-hole bombs)
-Magitech (faster-than-light travel, zero-point energy)

Lev's society's tech level is Digital Age.

My world's magic level is:
-No Magic 
-Very Low Magic (almost no one can do magic; magic is very powerless e.g. predicting the next card in a deck)
-Low Magic (a few people can do magic; magic is relatively powerless e.g. lifting a small object)
-Normal Magic (magic is limited to a small percentage of the population; magic is powerful e.g. healing)
-High Magic (many people can do magic; magic is relatively powerful e.g. resurrection)
-Very High Magic (everyone can do magic; magic is a routine part of every part of life)

Lev's society's magic level is No Magic. (He thinks.) 

Ah, a glowing rectangle. Truly a thing he knows exactly how to interact with.

It takes a bit of squinting at the maps, but he can recognise the coastline and some of the mountain ranges on Earth. (And he is not going to question the large extra land masses to the south and east, not right now.)

Also the technology section is jarring. Just lists of things he does not recognise and that sinking feeling of failing a test you didn't know existed. (Except it's not you that's failing, it's somehow your nation, and the test is "do you know what television and black hole bombs are?")

"Earth, Medieval, and no magic unless it is very sneaky."

"There is lots of very sneaky magic! Apparently people on Earths are all the time pretending magic doesn't exist. I have no idea why."

"We have the opposite problem. Lots of people claiming to do magic, it mysteriously keeps turning out to have a mundane explanation. And equally mysteriously, everyone with magic tries to profit off it."

"See! That's what I would think would happen, but apparently if you can actually summon demons everyone pretends that you can't. --Oh, no, you're Medieval, I'm sorry, the smartphone must be confusing as hell. I have got to come up with a better system for this."

"Hey, at least I now know what a smartphone is. --I know that a smartphone glows and has text on it."

Bounce bounce. 

"Oh, man, you gotta see this--" He puts his fingers on the tablet and then presents it to Jing Yi with a flourish. 

On the glowing rectangle, a man is dancing around. Strange music plays, and someone sings: We're no strangers to love, you know the rules and so do I.

Knowing you would be more weirded out if you had more information, but you don't, so you are just baffled without all the information to be fully baffled by it, is a weird sensation.

"--It also shows performances?" Nailed it.

"Yeah! It's connected to the Internet which is-- a sort of way to send letters very fast, as fast as light? And also pictures and sounds? So you can find out anything you want there. People mostly use it for cat pictures, extremely stupid arguments, and porn."

He is an educated man from a sophisticated nation.

He is going to keep up with this conversation.

HE WILL DO GREAT TANG PROUD IN THE FACE OF WHATEVER THE HELL THE DIGITAL AGE IS.

"So like books, but faster-- and with more cats."

"Well, I don't know how many cat pictures there are in books in-- wherever you're from. China? Japan?"

"From Great Tang. We use the medium of woodblock printing to its full potential."

"Oh, I don't remember that one. Where is it on the map?"

Jing Yi traces the borders on the map with his finger. (The smartphone scrolls wildly, until his works out to hover his fingers over to do the tracing.)

He's definitely pointing at the area around China, but the borders are not where Lev would expect them.

"Oh! China! I wish I knew more Chinese history so I could know if you were in an alternate history--"

"Do 'Emperor Xuanzong' or 'Duke Chang' ring any bells?" (He means zero disrespect, but if anything was going to change in an alternate history, it'd be around that whole situation.)

(Also he's talking to someone who could, hypothetically, know his life as 'history' which is... a potential existential crisis he is going to ignore.)

"Uh, sorry, no, my ancestors are from here"-- he points to Russia-- "I have absolutely no idea about anything that happened in China at any point. Confucius something something Mao."

"I know very little about where your from, so I'd call that fair."

"My parents moved from here"-- he points to Russia-- "to here"-- he points to New York City on the North America map-- "for... various complicated reasons... but mostly that if you try to get all the peasants to own everything communally instead of individuals having property rights it doesn't work very well and makes your country very poor. So, uh, write that down somewhere I guess. Communal ownership of the means of production is a bad idea."

"Noted, communal production ownership is bad."

Look. Look. Sometimes to find out things you have to ask the really dumb questions. Even if you cringe as it comes out of your own mouth. He points in the general direction of the Americas. "Is making land masses a digital age thing, or has that-- always been there."

It turns out that when Lev is excited he bounces up and down in his chair.

"Actually we can make land masses! Uh, let me zoom in"-- he expands the map so it's only showing the place where he grew up-- "from there to there wasn't there originally, they just dumped a bunch of garbage and soil there and then it became new land. But that's not very cost-effective most places, they only did it in New York City because an acre of land in New York City costs-- uh, let me think-- about as much as ten thousand laborers make in a year? But of course we're much richer than you. Oh! Sorry. I got distracted. Yes, the Americas were there all along, at least in our timeline."

Okay, that is highly adorable. 10 out 10 enthusiasm for explaining things. Even if he did explain in the opposite order of usefulness. 

And if he can prove to himself and other people that this isn't some failing-at-entering-a-window head trauma induced dream, this is going to be so useful. Cartography! Extra secret landmasses. An inconvenient distance away, the logistics would be hell, but extra landmasses. "This place is excellent. Best window I've fallen through."

"It really is!!! I've been here for subjective weeks. Did you know that Bar will just sell you books from alternate universes." His tone of voice suggests that this is the most important imaginable fact.

That is not the most important imaginable fact, but it is up there. (So much information, and you can just purchase it.) "I'm guessing that's how you encountered the concept of black hole bombs."

"No, we theorized that those are physically possible-- um, I would explain what they are but I'm pretty sure your culture doesn't have the concept of black holes and possibly it's more important to share more practical science--"

"--oh no I wonder how Bar accounts for purchasing power parity."

Black holes: not 'practical', apparently.

"That's the 'much richer than you' thing? I wouldn't worry about that." Does he have access to arbitrary amounts of money? No. (Especially when Xiao Jinyu is not giving him his salary, the jerk.) Does he have access to relatively arbitrary amounts of money in the name of the family business? If he can convince his father this is real, yes.

"Right. In my culture a book costs-- about a half hour's wages for an ordinary laborer? And I think in a medieval society books cost. More. Than that. So I don't know if Bar is going to benchmark our books as costing a half hour's wages or as costing the same amount as a book does in your society."

The digital age has weirdly cheap books and land reclamation and smart phones, but weirdly cheap books at least makes some sort of sense. Woodblock printing is cheaper than writing everything by hand, ???? is cheaper than woodblocks.

"That's still affordable, considering how useful it could be. Though I wouldn't say no to being steered in the right direction." (Yes, person who has been here for subjective(?) weeks, tell me your secrets)

"Um. I think variolation was invented in China pretty early so I'm sorry if you already know this, but if you scratch someone's skin and put in a bit of powdered smallpox scab they'll get a milder form of smallpox and be less likely to die of it. That's very important. Our society has eradicated smallpox. --Also, check whether milkmaids don't get smallpox, if they don't then they have cowpox and you can do the same thing with cowpox and then no one will die."

"You don't have smallpox?" What is up with the digital age?

He can probably convince Leng Yue to try that. Or maybe Jinyu; he's more in favour of experiments but less medically inclined. It won't be easy, but he could. He'd just have to work out a saner explanation than 'a foreigner from the future who I found in my window told me to try it'

"We don't have smallpox! In my country we don't have malaria or hookworm or rubella. We used to not have measles but then people stopped getting vaccines for measles because they were worried it caused-- uh, 'autism' probably doesn't translate-- intellectual disability?"

Picturing a world where you don't have to worry about smallpox and malaria, where you don't have a plan to leave the city if there's an epidemic, where you don't have a plan to avoid going to the southwest at all costs, is strange. "Wow. Good thing I came here when there was someone looking to be helpful."

"Back in my world I'm a chemical engineer-- I have no idea what that translates as--"

"I'm getting 'alchemist who builds things.'"

"Eh. Close enough. Except I assume alchemists in your world mysteriously never succeed at turning lead into gold."

"They still make themselves useful. Gunpowder, medicines, that sort of thing. Still working on immortality though."

"Man, so are we! --What do you do?"

"I work for the Three Judicial Offices-- I'm not sure if that translates for you."

"'Three Judicial Offices' and I have no idea what that is."

"We're in charge of investigating crimes, or at least the ones big enough to be worth our attention."

"So on one hand I'm like 'yay, cool, you're powerful' and on the other hand this doesn't seem obviously like it would lead to you being able to get people to adopt the Haber-Bosch process."

"I couldn't get a memorial in front of the Emperor directly, but I could get the idea on front of someone who could. --if I know what that process is and can convince people it's worth spending political capital on."

"Memorial?"

"The Haber-Bosch process allows you to make fertilizer much more cheaply, which lets you grow like four times as many crops on the same amount of land. It's the reason that the world population is almost eight billion people."

"A formal message to the Emperor." It feels odd being so blunt, but this man definitely does not have the context, so blunt it is! "His majesty knows everything he needs to know, so you can't tell him. But he does on occasion need reminding." 

It takes a second for the number to hit. "How many?" He's dealt with numbers that big before, but not of people. He tries to picture it in units of Chang'ans and that does not help that much.

"His Majesty can't possibly know what the Haber-Bosch process is! It's from like five centuries in the future!"

This future foreigner is very cute even if he does not get how this works. "We'd still just have to remind him about it."

"If His Majesty knew how it worked all along His Majesty really should have told someone!"

Oh goodness, he really is very naive. "People who work with him-- everyone knows the difference between a reminder and a reminder, it's just... Etiquette."

"Okay, see, in my country we sell candy called National Embarrassmints-- that's a pun in my language-- and whenever the leader changes the people who make them just put a new picture on it and keep selling them."

The pun does not translate perfectly, but well enough to get the jist. "Well, I don't see any reason to do that for His Majesty; , he's quite competent." (The fact he would super die if he tried is so far down the list behind 'but why would I want to.')

"I believe the general consensus in our system is that all of our leaders suck but no one can agree on why so they get replaced with ones that suck differently."

That's a whole mood, not that he'd admit it. "Hopefully without too much regularity." Otherwise you'd run out of potential heirs, let alone competent ones.

"Oh, we're a democracy. Anyone can become the ruler-- the president-- as long as half of the citizens think they should."

"That's an interesting system."

"We generally think it works better than monarchy."

"Do you have any particular evidence, or--?" (Oh look, a rich seam of information to mine.)

Bounce bounce. 

"Democracies don't have famines! --Well, that's not strictly true, there was one during a civil war and one time that someone failed to get food to a remote area we could only reach by flying."

"I don't see how people deciding their ruler and not having famines is connected?" (Or, well, he can, but it requires the Mandate a) not just being pretty words and b) not working at all the way anyone thought)

Bounce bounce. "It's actually really neat! The thing is that-- at least with post-Industrial-Age technology-- there's no reason to have a famine? We have enough food for everyone. If there's a famine, it's because for some reason the food isn't getting to the place where people need it. And people don't like famines so if there's a famine on your watch they'll vote you out. And the president knows this so they make sure that, if a famine is about to happen, they send in food relief right away."

"Ah, so maybe not so applicable to us."  (Which... Isn't great, but has its advantages. He likes working for this Emperor. He likes things not being in utter chaos. And he especially likes his head being attached to his shoulders, which trying to change political systems might give him difficulties with )

"Well, Haber-Bosch process, no famines. --I think ideally if you want to move more towards democracy you'd want an elected body that advises the Emperor and, mm, reminds him of facts he is of course very aware of. Like that he will be very unpopular if he doesn't deliver food aid."

"I wouldn't worry about the Emperor needed to be reminded that famines would not be did good for the nation or for him. What would you want for the Haber-Bosch process? I don't know what your people would want that we could give. Tea? Paintings?"

"Uh, I've mostly been hanging out here looking for someone with magic that will turn me into a girl."

"Ah, I'd love to help but unfortunately--" there's a vague gesture in the direction of the smart phone, and the concomitant 'Earth, no magic, etc'

(Jing Yi intends to sound very sympathetic, but while he is very good at giving the impression he wants, he's not perfect, and it maybe comes out more empathetic.)

"Yeah, well, apparently there's no shortage of people with magic gender transformation powers so if I wait around long enough..."

Lev is very bad at giving the impression he wants, and so the impression he's giving is that he's massively uncomfortable with this entire line of questioning.

Jing Yi is usually pretty good at reading people, but he is just a touch distracted. He picks up on the discomfort, and not the fact its not entirely true.

"There's certainly worse places to wait."

"I guess you could bring me books? I don't know how I'd explain where I found them."

"What books would you be looking for? Scriptures, histories, fiction--?"

"...Good question. I wish I knew more about Chinese history. Probably fiction and history? Especially obscure stuff. I bet we still have all of your scriptures."

"Fiction and history can be arranged."

"I don't want to violate some fine point of etiquette but I'm really happy to teach you as much science as you can fit in your head because... I like teaching things and don't like it when people starve?"

"I wouldn't want to leave you empty handed after your help, but I'm quite happy to learn whatever science you want to give me."

"Well, if I help you, maybe the person with gender transformation magic will help me."

"We've just got to hope someone as altruistic as you comes along."

"I'm not an altruist, I just like explaining things."

"The things you keep explaining are 'how to make smallpox less of a problem' and 'how to stop having famines'."

"I can explain useless things! Do you want to learn about Banach-Tarski."

"It's still a sign of good character that you opened with smallpox!  You still get points for that."

People should not think nice things about him. It's very uncomfortable.

"Do you wanna go up and get a hotel room? It might be easier for, like, getting you up to speed on tech."

"Sure. Though I can't stay too long. Don't want to get chewed out for 'what if you died in a ditch and no one found you.'"

"Oh, don't worry, Milliways stops time. You'll get back the exact moment you left."

"Oh, that's convenient." (There is probably some super useful way to use this property. The first thing Jing Yi comes up with is that he could get a drink at whatever time and it wouldn't be noticeable.)

"But if you close the door-- or, um, the window-- then Milliways will go away until the next time it feels like opening the door for you, which could be next week or could be never. --I loaded a bunch of stuff on my smartphone by opening the door and propping it open."

"Well, we'd better try and see how much science I can learn in one hit. ... And I'll also see about getting those books to you."

"Right! To the hotel room! --You have to pay for the hotel room. And food. I'm not using up my book budget on this."

"Oh, I don't know, am I really sure I want to spend money on saving lives? Come on, let's go."

Lev talks to the bar and obtains a hotel room.

The hotel room is done up in the best 2010s style, from the Impressionist paintings on the wall to the television to the minibar. For some unaccountable reason, there is only one bed.

Maybe bed sharing is a cultural thing it would be strange to draw attention to? He can pretend that's how it goes where he comes from, if he has to.

Ooh, look, pretty painting he can stare at instead of the bed. (The painting is impressively bland by 2010s standards. By 8th century standards it's impressively alien.)

"I, uh, guess we can take turns sleeping?"

"If you'd prefer that? Though I'm not sure sleeping in shifts would be efficient. I'm happy to sleep on the floor, seeing as I'm your guest." (Ingratiating himself to this altruistic stranger is worth a sore back and interrupted sleep. And he is happy to play the guest even if he is literally paying for this.)

"If you sleep on the floor you'll be tired and have a harder time learning things."

"If we sleep in shifts, one of us is also going to be tired and have a harder time doing things."

"I guess we can... share? What are the Landlords up to."

"Their ways are truly mysterious."

"We don't have two beds, we do have extra dimensional television."

"I do have to ask-- what is a television? You mentioned them before as well."

Lev flops on the bed and flips on the television. The room instantly fills with moans and what is recognizably people having sex. 

"Uh-- not that one."

The second is some sort of singing competition.

"Oh, so like a smartphone."

"Except with a bigger screen and it only shows videos."

"Bigger, more specialised: got it. Though I'm not sure if this the most useful science, but at least it's entertaining."

"Right, I should probably actually explain useful science."

Useful science! Building up from first principles!

Lev is a phenomenally good teacher.

Jing Yi is a reasonably good student. He tries to steer the topics towards medicine and small scale engineering--he's pretty sure he can convince Leng Yue and Xiao Jinyu to give some things in those realms a go.

Lev can do medicine and small scale engineering!

Bounce bounce bounce what does Jing Yi think the solution to this problem is

Jing Yi makes reasonable stabs at question answering, seeing as he only started learning modern science an hour or so ago.

"I'm not used to being on this end of the questioning."

"Oh?"

"I mean, I work for the Three Judicial Offices? Asking people questions is most of my job."

"I'm not sure I really understand what that is. A kind of cop...?"

"We investigate crimes. Usually more serious ones, like suspicious deaths, but we do investigate others too."

"I feel very 'oh, shit, you're a cop' even though I don't commit crimes and definitely don't commit crimes in Great Tang."

"Oh, I don't know, maybe you have a secret taste for murder."

"No, that's not what my dark secret is."

"Well, unless you dark secret is a crime, you don't have anything to worry about! ... Even if it was, its not like I have jurisdiction." though now he is terminally curious.

"I guess it could be a crime in Great Tang, I have no idea how progressive you guys are."

"I'd say we're reasonable, but of course I'd say that."

"I want to be a woman."

"I can say with confidence that that is not a crime!"

"In most cultures where it's illegal a man dressing as a woman is the thing that's. Illegal."

"Also not illegal! Socially frowned upon at times, but not illegal. And wouldn't be my department even if it was." He knows this for job reasons and not personal ones, yes definitely

"Very progressive of Great Tang. --And gay sex?"

"Also legal! Social acceptance--" wiggle hands "--depends who you ask."

"Well, my home culture isn't exactly thrilled by either of those either."

"Ah, the more things change, the more they stay the same."

"Well, if I find someone who can turn me into a girl..."

"You'll be the first to know! Or, well, second, I guess."

Yeah okay more education.

His foot is touching Jing Yi's foot and he's not taking it away.

Two can play at that game. Jing Yi is not going to move away from that foot.

LITERALLY WHAT GAME ARE THEY PLAYING AT HERE

THE GAME OF FOOT TOUCHING, APPARENTLY

(Jing Yi is in it to win)

HOW DO YOU WIN AT FOOT TOUCHING

(distracting thoughts about jing yi's smile, apparently)

Last man standing? Last man standing is who wins probably.

(Jing Yi has no distracting thoughts about being taught science, yes definitely. He is learning to help Great Tang, and the person he is talking to is just a means to an end.)

Why does Jing Yi have such a good smile. This is so upsetting. He's not even gay.

This is a carefully devastating smile. He has no chance.

(How dare be so good at teaching science. Just because he was 'born in the digital age' and 'has practice, probably'...)

Now there is science teaching and also miserable staring at Jing Yi's lips. 

The fuck are the Landlords up to.

Jing Yi has eyes, and they are capable of seeing where other people's eyes are looking. "You okay? Need a break?"

Oh god he noticed. "I'm fine! I can teach for hours."

"You don't need to fit a thousand years of science into one sitting."

"I guess we have until your funds run out."

He should prooooobably move his foot away from Jing Yi's foot but consider: he doesn't want to.

"Which means we don't have to try and stuff everything into my head at once."

The foot slowly inches closer.

"Well, what else are we going to do, watch extradimensional TV?"

"It could broaden my cultural horizons."

The only place to sit and watch TV is on the bed together. Obviously.

Fuck the Landlords.

Jing Yi flops dramatically on the bed (because why would you flop undramatically?)

Oh no he's cute.

He turns on the TV and silently prays that the channel isn't set to pornography.

Technically it is not. Instead it appears to be set to some sort of... naked shampoo commercial? Except the person's hair is carefully braided?

He quickly flips the channel to something else. This seems to be some sort of... alternate dimension news show? It is very interested in the latest fashion decisions of some person named Princess Mal. 

Okay so all things considered he is never going to need to have opinions about this Princess Mal, on account of alternate universes, but the combination of women's fashion and implied political intrigue has him hooked

Princess Mal is attending a charity ball! Princess Mal is opening a school! Princess Mal is visiting China!

The depicted Chinese outfits look to Jing Yi rather like it would look to a British person from the twelfth century if someone were simultaneously wearing a toga, a codpiece, 18th century slippers, and a WWII helmet.

So it's possible that the combination of 'future' and 'alternate universes' explains this fashion... situation, but also it is so bizarre it becomes beautiful in its bafflingness.

There may or may not be a startled 'snrk!' sound.

This seems safely away from Landlord Shenanigans.

"What's up?"

"That is not how clothes work! At all! ... Well maybe they are how clothes work in alternate universe futures, but--"

"This isn't my world, in my China people wear business suits and are not ruled over by... a white princess?"

"It is not the princess that's getting me, it's the hairpins--" Any explanation of what exactly is wrong with the hairpins is smothered by helpless giggling.

"You're cute."

FUCK

"You too."

AAAAAAAAAAA IS HE BEING FLIRTED WITH

"Thank you."

"People should not be cute while teaching; it's unfair. You should all be old scraggly men incapable of being adorable."

(Man man man he's a man he's a man--)

"...yeah."

Oh no fallen face what did he do.

"... you're not great at this 'taking compliments thing' are you?"

"People don't say nice things about me."

"Well that's a sign of shocking bad taste."

Oh he is being flirted with.

"...I'm not that kind of gay."

Dammit.

"Gay? I think something's not translating right."

"Uh. Interested in men."

"Ah, right " This is almost certainly a subtle 'cool it with the Friendly Flirting' and Jing Yi can take a hint.

And also shuffle slightly further away to not make him uncomfortable.

Oh no Jing Yi is going away. Why are the predictable consequences of his actions. 

"Um-- you don't-- I just--"

"No, it's okay, I understand."

He is going to BANG HIS HEAD INTO THE PILLOW.

"I... want to be a girl."

"You may have mentioned that."

"Right. So. I want to have sex with men because it's-- a girly sort of thing to do. I don't like men for themselves."

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

"Sounds very reasonable!"

Jing Yi has no opinion on or feelings about this. He has never had an opinion in his life. What is a feeling and can you eat it.

"So I just thought. You should know that. If you're going to flirt with me."

"I was trying to be friendly, there's no-- expectation. Though the fact you are adorable is 100% true."

Oh. Right. That makes sense. 

"Is that how you're friendly in Great Tang?"

"If you're me."

Lev does not know how to process this information and in lieu of anything else to do is going to hit his head against the pillow again.

This is so much easier on Grindr.

Oh no this has gone south very rapidly.

Does burying his face in the other pillow in Sympathy help?

Mrrrrmmmph.

Maybe they can watch more about Princess Mal and, also, touch feet.

That seems like it's unlikely to go wrong. Jing Yi approves.

After a few minutes Lev says, "I... think this is from a world where the people from a series of children's stories from my world actually exist."

"Is that a known thing with alternate universes?"

"Well, I hadn't heard of it before, but it must exist because we're watching their TV."

"Now we've both learned new things today."

"I guess that would explain why their hairpins make no goddamn sense."

"Mmm, I'm not sure it's a full explanation--"

"It is, the people who wrote the children's stories did absolutely no research about China."

"... Okay that is a full explanation."

"Or... were somehow getting information from an alternate universe where China is very different?"

"Does that seem very likely? This is children's entertainment we're talking about."

"No, but it seems even weirder if they just matched up for no reason!"

"It's a mystery for the ages."

"Much like everything about the multiverse."

"Doors to magic bars! Universes of children's entertainment!"

"The universe is really much stranger than I would have supposed even knowing about quantum mechanics."

"And you've had more time to get used to it, what with the 'quantum mechanics' and waiting around."

"It turns out you can in fact violate the second law of thermodynamics! Occasionally via transforming so you're wearing a brightly colored princess outfit!"

Jing Yi is maybe picturing 'princess outfit' wrong. "That'd be convenient. You're always ready for court on short notice. Just boom, princess outfit."

"--oh right you talk to actual princesses and not five-year-old girls pretending to be princesses."

"Our five year olds do it to! ... Then again most of the five year old girls I've interacted with have been the daughters of generals, so."

"I bet the princess thing is universal."

"In every universe, somewhere there is a small child pretending to be a princess."

"And yet none of them are playing princess with me."

"The world is truly cruel."

He pokes the wall. "Hey, Landlords, send us adorable small children who want to play princess. --At least if Jing Yi likes kids."

"I like 'em well enough to see what the landlords would do."

"I love kids. Kids are the best."

"Of course you do; you love teaching."

And he can't ever have any because he's a pervert incapable of human love.

Why don't they watch Princess Mal some more.

Jing Yi is not completely oblivious to the crisis going on next to him, but is not a mind reader so can't meaningfully respond without making wildly incorrect guesses.

Watching Princess Mal and her Adventures in How Is Your Hair Even Up? is much easier.

Her hair is up using magic, apparently!

"Of all the this you could use magic for-- actually I can't finish that sentence. I would use magic for fashion."

"Surely it depends on how scarce magic is."

"If it was scarce, I solemnly swear to only use it for good reasons."

"But is fashion a good reason."

"The highest priority in life is being as sparkly as possible. Definitely."

"I can agree with that."

He sighs. "As sparkly and brightly coloured and pretty as possible."

Dreamy sigh. "Yeah. And soft and swishy."

"Swishy is very important. You've got to be able to twirl."

"Yeah. You're lucky you get to have robes, back home only girls get to twirl."

"That is grossly unfair."

Softly: "It really is."

"Shame the Milliways door only works one way, otherwise I could just throw clothes at you from the other side."

"I mean I could hold the door while you grab it."

"But I do. Have. Clothes."

"There's no such thing as too many clothes!"

"I mean I have. Sparkly swishy ones."

"A sign of good taste!" Let he who does not have a courtesan outfit only partially for disguise purposes cast the first stone

Oh yay Jing Yi does not think he is a horrible pervert.

"Unfortunately I look like a man in a dress in them."

"That's the nice thing about robes, they're actually designed to fit " he's aware that this isn't really the problem, but. It's nice to say something nice.

"I think you'd look great either way."

"Aww, thank you."

"...do you want to see."

"...yes."

"--uh you're going to have to. Hold the door--"

Jing Yi is quite capable of holding doors open!

The door opens into Lev's dorm room! There's a bed, a computer, and presumably a floor, although the floor is not visible under the teetering stacks of books.

Lev grabs a box and carries it out. It looks pretty awkward to carry.

Jing Yi would offer to help, but he's currently being a very large and alive doorstop.

Then Lev will awkwardly carry the box to their room on his own.

There are SO many sparkly things in this box.

So many sparkly things!

"The digital age really knows how to do sparkly."

"Mostly I like sparkly."

Under the sparkly is a stack of books with titles like Thinking Fast and Slow, Introduction to Behavioral Research Methods, A Brief History of Psychology, and Stahl’s Essential Psychopharmacology: Neuroscientific Basis and Practical Application.

"Ooh, not just history!"

"I. Like psychology."

"It's a useful topic!"

Lev is going to grab a handful of clothes at random and-- head off to the bathroom then.

Jing Yi will sit and wait politely on the bed then!

When she he returns, she he is wearing a tight leather miniskirt, high heels, a sparkly gold top that is cut low to show off cleavage she does not in fact have, and badly applied makeup. Her legs, it turns out, are shaved.

"This one isn't good for twirling."

"I think the glitter more than makes up for that."

Certain parts of Leia's body have noticed certain facts, i.e., that she is wearing a skirt, that there is a handsome man in the room, and that the handsome man just complimented her.

Jing Yi is, uh, maybe a touch preoccupied with the glitter to notice anything untoward happening.

Good! That's, uh. Good. 

...Maybe she should twirl.

"See, it doesn't do anything."

"Yeah, it'd definitely need to be longer and with a better drape. But leather is an inspired choice."

aaaaaaaa parts of Leia's body have opinions about these compliments and eventually they're going to have so many opinions that she thinks it's a good idea to kiss him

Jing Yi is too distracted by fashion and pretty to have any clue about any opinions happening here.

She sits down next to him, their thighs brushing against each other. "I'm glad you like it. Do people wear leather as clothes in Great Tang?"

Jing Yi does notice that, but doesn't move away. "As protective clothing, sometimes, but not for fashion."

"In the digital age we wear it for fashion. To-- dress like a slut."

(aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa)

Jing Yi's general conversational strategy is 'wildly 'yes-and' until you achieve your goals or something else happens' and he certainly can say at least one of those things is happening. Don't ask which one.

"To-- to show you're available." There is an audible swallow. "We have clothes like that, too."

fuckfuckfuckfuckaaaaaaaa

"Do you have them? I guess-- maybe not for men--"

"They're mostly for women, but--" ... "I could show you."

Technically he only has the clothes of a courtesan and not a catamite, but there's no reason to clear up that ambiguity. Yes and, baby!

"That would be. Nice."

Jing Yi very rapidly stands up. "Okay, you're going to have to go hold the door--"

Hold the door hold the door stop worrying that this is public indecency which is going to get him kicked out of milliways

Jing Yi returns with an armful of jewellery and some clothes that look very gauzy.

"Give me a minute--" and now it's Jing Yi's turn to dive into the bathroom.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa this is the most terrifyingly sexy thing that has ever happened to her

Jing Yi emerges emerges also wearing makeup and several dangly gold hair pieces. The dress technically covers most of his skin and in theory is layered to make it extra modest, but the fabric is shear enough that it's really pushing that 'technically'. There's a half veil, too, shear enough one can still see his smile but obscuring enough to give it a bit of a mystique.

And he owns this for 100% work related reasons and nothing else.

"Tada!" He does a spin. "It twirls."

"Oh, you look beautiful."

And now it's Jing Yi's turn to not quite know what to do with compliments. "Thank you."

"I have no idea how to do this or if there's even a-- this-- we're doing-- I don't--"

Sitting on the bed seems like a good next move? Probably? "Do what feels natural? --no, that's too cheesy, even for me."

"Back at home there's a thing you can get on your phone that matches you with men who want to have sex with you and then they come over and fuck you without much, like, talking really being involved. And you know what they're there for."

"...that sounds so convenient."

"It really is but I'm not good at this part! I just take their pants off when they come over!"

"There's not necessarily a whole lot of talking, but there often is a whole lot of improvising poetry about the Moon while pretending that's what you're really here for, while drunk.Your thing would be so much easier!"

Does scooching closer on the bed help?

"I would be bad at that! I can't write poetry sober! --When we get drunk it's mostly so we can blame the alcohol for doing what we wanted to do anyway."

Scooching closer is good. Maybe he can have Leia's head on his shoulder.

"Oh, we do that too."

Heads on shoulders are very good. How about an arm around a waist?

That's very nice. 

He thinks he should do an obligatory protest, so he says, "I'm still not attracted to men."

"We can work around that." Someone's protesting a bit much.

...Maybe Leia can kiss his cheek.

She can do that! That would be very much welcomed!

Then she is going to stare at him like a rabbit caught in headlights until he does something.

So, that's either an invitation to escalate, or very much not, and there's one way to find out!

That lipstick shouldn't be on her lips, it should be on Jing Yi's instead.

Oh, that's a good idea. Jing Yi has such good ideas.

He has the best ideas!

How does she feel about jaw kisses?

That is also a nice one!

How does he feel about lying down on the bed cuddling during jaw kisses.

Oh Jing Yi can very much be dragged down onto a bed. Beds are very good. Makes it easier to hold people closer.

Happysquirm.

Jing Yi ALSO has a jawline. Leia is going to explore this fact.

Jawline kisses are very good, but it is highly unfair that if his jawline is being kissed he can't kiss Leia back, how could she be so cruel~

Oh, well, in that case, she'll have to stop being cruel, won't she.

Leia is Very High Quality.

They should be closer together. What do you mean 'there was basically no space between them?' How is that relevant?

Mm no probably if Leia tries really hard their legs can be more tangled up. 

Jing Yi is wearing too many clothes, but the problem is that in order to correct this she will have to disentangle.

Very unfair that disentangling is required. He will help with the clothes to minimise disentanglement.

Mmm there is so much Jing Yi to kiss. What a nice plan.

Leia's clothes are staying on thank you.

Disappointing, but understandable.

...the glitter and the attention more than makes up for any disappointment, really.

Leia's sheer bliss at the concept of kissing Jing Yi's chest implies that she is perhaps not as not into men as previously stated.

Everyone's allowed a bit of self deception at times. Like about why he even owns the clothes he is wearing.

Hair pets? Jing Yi thinks she should get hair pets.

Whimper. 

Oh that is a very good sound. Leia should make it more.

Jing Yi is looking at her like he's actually attracted to her which is... weird and not at all what she's used to.

She imagines she's a version of herself from an alternate universe, one where she was born without the horrible thing between her legs. It's a very plausible daydream. In that world maybe she'd come to love this person from the past with a beautiful smile, and they could have something sweet and lovely and not as sordid as this is.

She kisses his shoulder.

This is already very much like a daydream for Jing Yi. Someone who is willing and interested and adorable and also a stranger from somewhere with very different norms. Who sees him dressed like this and calls him beautiful and doesn't question why he owns this. 

Shoulder kisses are Very Good. The sound he makes is technically not a whimper, but it's very close.

Mm.

Gentle shoulder bites?

Gentle shoulder bites! An inspired choice.

The noises are definitely more whimper shaped.

... ... ... 

harder shoulder bites?

"You have a really good smile."

"I think you give me a fair run for my money."

"I think my smile is mostly considered goofy."

"Whoever has said that has--" a kiss for punctuation "--incredibly bad taste."

It turns out that when you give Leia compliments you get happy wiggles. 

Oh he is definitely filing that away to take advantage of. "You're adorable both in bed and explaining how to prevent smallpox."

This produces both happy wiggles and tiny happy sounds. 

Oh no, it's a cuteness overload! He's just going to have to hug her tighter about it.

"I don't know what kind of things you like."

To be anonymous

To be unknown, to have the other person not know who I am and not care. No reputation or standard to uphold

To be dressed like this and it's fine, the other person also is and doesn't have a leg to stand on to complain

People making high pitched squeaky noises.

"Is 'you in my arms' far too cheesy?"

"It's cute."

Also Leia is not good at people but that is definitely a lie.

"...kissing?"

On impulse, she says, "I like makeup videos."

Look, a conversational life raft! One he doesn't understand, but he is still grabbing it!

"...videos of the make up by itself, or of people putting it on...?"

"They have videos of-- people pretending to put makeup on you-- and if you full-screen it it feels like they actually are-- it helps people go to sleep for some reason? But I. Jerk off watching them. Because I like thinking about people putting makeup on me. Getting to be pretty."

"--I can see how that would appeal."

"I think most people think it's ridiculous."

This is a very awkward conversation to be having this close and this naked. ...not that he's going to do anything to change that. "To each their own, I guess."

"...you can call me a girl."

An instruction! He can follow instructions! "Good girl."

Leia's brain is now a small pile of mush making extremely happy noises.

Pliable mush is so much easier to deal with than personal questions about what he likes!

Hair petting remains good, yes?

mmm yes it is

she hopes that jing yi doesn't expect her to take actions

Seeing how much mush you can turn someone into is very entertaining. "Such a good girl, so sweet--"

happy happy happy ball of mush who is not going to take actions and is going to think about how jing yi should be her boyfriend

Having to take initiative is a low price for a ball of mush. Especially because it means he can pepper her with kisses without her getting in the way.

mm what a good plan

(breasts she has breasts they're small but they're breasts and her boyfriend is kissing her on them and he loves them and soon he's going to fuck her in her cunt--)

"Are there things you like? Other than makeup?"

He shouldn't feel safe but he does, it's not like he can tell anyone--

"Everything about being a girl," she says quietly. "Wearing women's clothing. Thinking about having breasts, or a vagina. Getting pregnant. Getting married as a woman, or having a man take me out on a date. Being called a girl's name."

Okay that is not a set of actions but to be fair he didn't give one either. "...what is your name?" Because he is also suddenly aware that they have somehow ended up here without at any point exchanging names.

"Lev."

"Is that your girl name?"

"...no, it's Leia."

"That's a very pretty name."

Squirm.

"What's your name?"

Okay so technically he should maybe not share it, but it's not like they're likely to ever run into each other, and-- he did ask. It's a fair trade. "Jing Yi."

"That's a nice name."

MORE kissing. Leia is demanding in this way.

I mean kissing is pretty darn good, she's right.

It has occurred to Leia that Jing Yi has a dick and she should touch it.

And why shouldn't she?

The fact that they are almost strangers is NOT relevant.

It most definitely is not.

Shortly thereafter, Jing Yi can learn that at least one person from the future is absolutely phenomenal at blowjobs.

The digital age is a magical place.

Leia can learn that at least one person from the past thinks that calling people 'good girls' is,  like, the best thing.

Oh excellent. 

If she arranges herself properly she can grind her cock her clit on the bed and turn into a melty whimpery mess. "Good girl" keeps echoing in her head.

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