Bimbo or Billionaire: Self-Actualization doesn't make you wear a tight bikini. You are fully clothed in street clothes. They want you to have your dignity, at least until you get mind-controlled to have the compulsion to flash everyone.

The host is still slimy, though, and the carpet is still a shade of pink that raises numerous questions about the sexual interests of heterosexual men. 

The host finishes his opening talk warming up the audience. "It's time to watch Evie become a strong flourishing, and empowered woman! You fucking perverts."

Evie smiles winningly at the audience. She is dressed in her best classy-but-sexy outfit, the outfit that says "I can make everyone envy you at a private dinner at the White House, then suck your brains out through your dick afterward."

She doesn't think she needs much physical improvement-- Mom had already spent hundreds of thousands of dollars of her various ex-husbands' money making her every man's physical ideal. But a fashion refresh can be good anyway! Evie always loves getting a makeover. 

Evie doesn't say anything because she knows that men like quiet women. 

"Let's catch up people who are here for the first time! Behind me are 24 boxes"-- the host gestures widely at a set of 24 hot pink makeup cases-- "each of which has within it a dollar sign or... a symbol of something else. If she picks cash, she goes one notch up the cash column. If she picks something else, then... I guess you people are going to have a good time since you're here... but I really don't get it. You could be specifically watching the show where women become hot, stupid, and unable to say no to sex, and then you decided to watch a different show, on purpose. Why."

"Fire the host!" yells an audience member. A very handsome and oddly murderous-looking man sitting next to him seems to be contemplating something a bit more permanent than firing the host. 

"Whenever she opens a bimbo box, you-- the live studio audience-- will get a choice of four options. You can vote, and whichever option wins, Evie will get from our proprietary Collar of Fate. In the event of a tie, both changes will be applied. And, yes, strategic voting is encouraged. As Bimbo or Billionaire: Self-Actualization is guaranteed self-actualizing, there is absolutely no reason for someone to want to stop playing, so they aren't allowed! Yes, she WILL be walking out of here either a Bimbo or a Billionaire."

Evie isn't sure why she'd want to chicken out part of the way through, anyway. The whole point is getting over her weird block about dating the sort of men she's supposed to date. Maybe if it was trying to get her to do something else...? But why would it? She was raised since she was born to be a trophy wife.

"I'd like to bring everyone's attention to our case girl, Chrissi! Chrissi was the unluckiest candidate in Bimbo or Billionaire? history, getting twelve straight bimbo boxes in a row, all of which were ties and most of which were threeway ties."

Chrissi, a blonde with a face that's both gorgeous and vapid, bounces in excitement about being on the stage.

Oh, wow, Chrissi has breasts. Her breasts bounce. Her breasts bounce in such an interesting and entrancing way. Evie really wants to stare at them. Evie is just going to keep staring at them, and maybe slip her hand under her skirt and--

(It has never occurred to Evie that her attraction to women might be useful for anything except facilitating threesomes.) 

The host sighs. "Can we make Evie immune to Chrissi, please?"

Evie blinks, notices her hand is touching her clit, yanks her hand out of her skirt, and flushes bright red. 

"You people have GOT to stop lying about your sexual orientations on the paperwork."

"But I am straight."

"You people have GOT to stop lying about your sexual orientations to yourselves, and also on the paperwork."

Chrissi's breasts are still extremely interesting but Evie is capable of having thoughts about anything else, such as her imminent ~~makeover~~~. 

"I like how much people like my boobs!" Chrissi says. "My boobs are very important."

"They are, dear," the host says. "Our contestant tonight is Evie MacQueen. Evie, how are you feeling about becoming"-- the host is so unhappy about his life-- "empowered and self-actualized?" 

"I'm looking forward to being the dream girl of the entire audience!" Evie chirps, and then blows a kiss. 

"That's what I like to hear! So without any further ado, let's open the first box."

"15."

"Aaaaand it's Hair! As usual, you have two sets of choices here-- color and style."

"The options for hair color are Redhead, Brunette, Blonde, and Blue. We are pleased to announce that choosing Blue will give her a mild compulsion to make blue her theme color, and also make her able to spin poi."

What. What's poi. Was she supposed to know what poi is. Was that on a flashcard she forgot. 

men like blue hair????

"Our first hair style option is Straight to the Butt. Like it sounds, Straight to the Butt gives her long, straight hair. It never gets tangled, and she will never have to brush it. It's always perfectly soft."

That's so convenient. Want.

"Our second hair style option is Curly Girl, which gives her luscious curls."

Evie is only a little familiar with the Dark Arts of Curly Hair Care, but she's always excited to learn new things about hair!

"Our third hair style option is Prehensile. This hair is both attractive and useful-- she will be able to move it on its own like another set of limbs. Perfect for bondage, self-defense, or when you just have too many things to carry home from shopping."

Wow, she gets superpowers???? That sounds cool. 

"Our fourth option is Perfect Pixie. Evie will have a cute little pixie cut."

Obviously, they throw in one terrible option in every set of four, because they're out of ideas. Men don't like pixie cuts.

she would look so cute in an adorable little pixie cut, it's so stylish It doesn't matter. She's not at Appealing To Straight Women And Gay Men Or Billionaire? When she has a billion dollars, then she can dress however she wants. 

"And we have our first tie of the evening, bimbos and gentlemen! Evie's hair color is Blue, and her style is both Prehensile and Perfect Pixie."

What. 

And then the pink fog rises up from the Collar of Fate and for a few moments Evie feels nothing but peace and warmth and good good good. 

A tendril of her hair perks up and waves, like it's saying hi.

Awww. Cute. It moves on its own. 

She reaches up. Her hair is... short?

There is a certain kind of look Evie's mom disparagingly refers to as man repellent. Brightly colored, thick eyeliner. A dark berry or black lip. Bold prints, especially when they clash, like florals with stripes. Palazzo pants. Balloon sleeves. Anything that involves sequins, glitter, or knitwear. 

Evie-- doesn't love all man repellent, obviously, she has taste-- but there are many outfits she has sighed over in Vogue or at Paris Fashion Week that she knows could never go on her body.

Fashion is art. But Evie doesn't, ever, get to be art, because men don't like art, men like bodycon dresses and a smoky eye.  

You can't get much more man repellent than a pixie. 

She doesn't know what the voters are thinking. It's some kind of humiliation ritual, maybe. They really like humiliating bimbos-- think of that poor woman in season 4 who turned into a cow-- and she shouldn't have expected anything different, really. Self-actualization was just an advertisement. 

She tries to smile at the audience-- if she pleases them more, maybe they'll vote for her to be pretty and pleasing-- but instead her hair covers her face, like she's a middle schooler pretending to be emo because she doesn't want to admit she's anxious. She tries to brush it aside, but it stays put. 

Is her hair just going to be expressing her feelings now??? To everyone??? To men???

"So, Evie, how are you feeling?"

"Thank you for the hairstyle! It's very stylish. I think the contrast will look great if you turn the rest of my body super feminine!" Evie says.

(Her hair droops slightly.)

"You're already feminine enough for me!" the host says. "You're so pretty, I can't imagine what Body or Face would even have to do for you. Pick a box, any box."

"1."

"Ah, bad luck, Evie. It's Lips."

Ugh. Lips is the worst. Evie gets tasteful fillers done every six months, but she'd never go so big that you could tell she had it done. The voters show no such restraint. And even if you somehow manage to escape with normal human lips, Lips is by far the most likely of the physical changes to give you a weird compulsion that makes life very difficult. 

"Our first option is Suction Power. Evie will have very strong jaw muscles. She can suck like a vacuum cleaner and she will literally never get tired. Whenever she puts anything other than food in her mouth-- her fingers, a pen, a straw, a tit, or of course a cock-- Evie will automatically suck on it. No matter how embarrassed she is, she won't be able to stop herself!"

For example. Ugh.

"Our second option is Cherry Lip Gloss. Evie's lips will perpetually be slightly shiny, like she's just put on lip gloss. Her lips will also taste like cherry lip gloss whenever you kiss her."

That's fine. Mildly convenient, even. 

"Our third option is Color Changer. Evie will, at will, be able to change the color of her lips, mimicking the results of applying lipstick. Because she's changing the color of her actual lips, it won't smear or stain, doesn't have to dry, and will never leave a tell-tale mark on your collar. She may change her lips to have any design or pattern she chooses, including ones that would be very difficult to do on actual lips."

Evie would go so far as to say that that was moderately convenient. 

"And finally we have Moisturized. Evie will never have dry or chapped lips again. Her lips will always stay perfectly soft and slightly wet. She will also always produce as much saliva as she needs, no matter how little she's drunk recently. Her blowjobs will be incredibly wet and sloppy."

Evie is happy to give good blowjobs if it doesn't come with a compulsion to suck pens!

"And the winner is.......... Color Changer!"

And a warm pink fuzz fills Evie's mind, soft and gentle and lovely. 

When she emerges, she has a new sense. She knows, without looking, that her lips are their usual light pink, and she knows that she can change it in any color or pattern she likes, as simply as wiggling her fingers. 

Further experimentation shouldn't happen in front of an audience of men she wants to like her. So she changes her lips to be the same color as her present lipstick-- a bright red that's very flattering to her complexion. (She has to resist the urge to make them blue.)

"Congrats, Evie! Ready for your next change?"

"Always! I want to be the dream girl of every man in the audience." Especially men with cash. "21."

"Money! You have one penny."

"Didn't we discontinue the penny?"

"Actually, the president revived it because men need to be able to pay humiliatingly small amounts of money to bimbos."

Charming. Evie keeps her face blank, but a lock of her hair lifts up and makes a back-and-forth 'no' gesture.

...IS HER HAIR GOING TO BE DOING THIS ALL THE TIME???? Not okay. Evie's feelings are a private matter for only Evie and her hair can't go about telling them to men people. 

"Sixteen."

"Money! Ten cents."

"Eight."

"And that's a Bimbo Box! Evie, you're now going to experience changes to your Voice. Our first option is Emotional. With Emotional, Evie will no longer be able to lie about or conceal her feelings, except by shutting up. Her voice will quaver with fear, lilt with joy, hitch with sadness, and moan and whimper with sexual arousal. Especially that last one, once she has a Compulsion or two under her belt!"

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

IS THE HAIR NOT BAD ENOUGH

(her hair droops, sadly)

"Our second option is Sultry Tones. Evie's voice will be low, breathy, and slow. Her words will melt into each other, almost hypnotically. If you want her to sound like the femme fatale in a film noir, this is the choice for you."

Her hair perks up.

Sultry Tones is great! Lots of trophy wives have sultry tones. That's practically a normal voice. 

"Our third option is Playfully Cute. Evie's voice will be simply adorable-- high-pitched, enthusiastic, and neotenous. She will squeal when happy and pout when sad, and her voice will waver when she's uncertain or scared. A perfect pairing for oversized hoodies, cat ears, or just bouncing up and down when excited."

That's fine too. A lot of men like a woman who acts like a little girl, and with rejuve tech Evie's not going to have to find out whether they like it from women who are 45.

Probably it will even go with the hair. (The hair is pleased about this one.) 

"Our fourth option is Wink Wink Nudge Nudge. Every simple sentence Evie says-- from 'the bathroom's over there' to 'can I have fries with that?' to 'slavery was the primary cause of the American Civil War'-- will sound like a come-on or sexual innuendo. People won't be able to say exactly what she's implying, but they'll know unshakably that Things were Implied, and they may act accordingly."

UGH. You can't go to dinner at the White House if every time you make a comment on the Ambassador from Sweden it sounds like you want to get in his pants. Do Not Want.

(The hair droops again.)

"And the winner is-- Emotional."

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FU-- oooooooooh.

"So, Evie, how are you feeling?"

"I'm great! I love my new voice," Evie tries to say calmly. But her voice quavers with anxiety, and then she notices how anxious she sounds and in addition to the anxiety she sounds embarrassed and humiliated, and-- attractive women are never embarrassed. Attractive women are never humiliated. Attractive women are in control of every situation, and they let their boyfriends believe that they're in control.

Evie's not going to be in control of anything ever again. 

Her hair covers her eyes so she can't see the audience, and she tries to will her hair back where it belongs but it keeps going back to cover her eyes. 

She went on this stupid, stupid, STUPID game show to be pleasing, and-- and they don't want her to be pleasing-- they don't want her to make them happy so she can have everything she wants-- they want her to have short hair and to show her feelings so they can know exactly how much they're ruining her life because, because that's what she wants--

Evie breaks into tears. 

"Really, that's more of a Bimbo or Billionaire?: Regular Edition response."

"I want-- I want to open boxes until I am a brainless perky bimbo who is always happy--" and she sounds weak and vulnerable and scared and she hates this and this has to be what the audience wants, why would they be making the decisions they're making if this isn't what they want, and Evie-- doesn't know how to exist except by making people happy, making men and Mom happy, and if this is what they want she might as well give it to them--

Her hair tries ineffectually to wipe her tears. Then it curls up and pats her soothingly on the head. 

Weirdly, the patting does make her feel a bit better. 

"Well, that's what we aim for here on Bimbo or Billionaire: Self-Actualization," the host says.

"Five," Evie sniffs.

"Aaand it's Body! Bad luck, Evie! Or good luck if you're trying to speedrun being a brainless bimbo!" 

Evie is already really ridiculously good-looking-- thanks, diet drugs and never eating cake-- so she doesn't know what kind of changes Bimbo or Billionaire will make. Probably horrible ones. 

"Our first option is Stamina. Evie will have the endurance of an Olympic marathoner. Whether she wants to swim the English Channel, climb Mount Everest, stay out all night dancing, or simply fuck a thousand men in a single day, she can do any physical activity as long as she likes without ever getting tired or losing form."

Wait. That's... nice? That's actually kind of nice?

"Our second option is Bend and Twist. Evie will have a nearly superhuman level of flexibility. She will be able to bend her spine so that her head touches her butt, to slide her legs over her shoulders with her chest flat on the ground, to touch her foot to her head in standing split, and to actually have a good time while doing double vaginal.. This is ideal if you want to try every pose in the Kama Sutra."

They're both nice?????

(Evie's hair has perked up to the point that it's almost vertical.)

"Our third option is Catlike Grace. Where Bend and Twist mostly handles static poses, Catlike Grace is about agility and grace in movement. Whether she wants to dance ballet, do a triple backflip, wall run through Paris, or show off her moves on the stripper pole, Catlike Grace makes Evie beautiful, skilled, and hot as hell."

????!!!!?!???!?!?!??!?!

"Our fourth option is Leave a Mark. Leave a Mark makes Evie bruise and mark incredibly easily. Whether you're sucking on her neck, paddling that fine ass, giving the naughty girl the flogging she deserves, tying her to the bed, making her suck you while kneeling on gravel, or even just fucking her with unusual enthusiasm, Evie will mark up very easily. The morning after, you'll have a visual sign of all the fun you had. The marks fade quickly, so you can always see the marks you yourself left. We are pleased to announce that Version 2.4 of Leave a Mark means she only marks easily when sexually aroused, preventing the problem in earlier versions where bimbos instead bore signs of how often they ran into coffee tables or bumped their heads on tree branches." 

hot

Bad. Very bad. How is she supposed to seduce one man if she has been marred with bruises from the last guy she slept with? 

incredibly hot, get her so wet she doesn't care if she's beautiful

"It is astonishing... it is almost unprecedented... we have a FOUR! WAY! TIE!"

Cheers go up from the stands. People hoot and stomp their feet. 

The fog rolls over Evie's mind and when it recedes...

She thinks, at first, nothing is different. Then she notices that the small ache in her feet from standing has disappeared. 

She remembers the floor routines from the last Unenhanced Olympics. Could she...?

She starts to run and then her hands hit the ground and she backflips once, twice and then suddenly she's in the air and she's still spinning and the only thing it feels like is flying. 

(Her hair, cooperatively, sticks to her head, well out of her eyes.)

She stops. She takes a breath, out of habit, even though she doesn't need to. Then she runs again and jumps and flips over in midair and gravity has no control of her anymore. 

Evie cartwheels five times out of sheer exuberance. 

The crowd's cheering and hooting and stomping gets even louder, although it's unclear if this is because they're happy for her, impressed by her gymnastics ability, or turned on by the fact that every time she flips her skirt flies up around her hips and you can see her skimpy lacy designer underwear. 

"That's what we like to see!" the host says. 

Not out of breath-- never out of breath, ever again-- Evie lands, bows, and does a split for the hell of it. It's as comfortable as sitting crosslegged on the floor. 

Her hair forms tiny fists and pumps the air.

"Twenty-three." Her voice doesn't hide how excited and thrilled and joyful she is. She doesn't want it to. 

"Aw, bad luck, Evie, that's another Bimbo Box. Breasts."

So either this is going to be completely humiliating or she's going to get badass superpowers. 

50/50.

Evie can't even really hate Prehensile and Emotional if she gets to feel like she can fly. 

"Our first option is Pillowy. Pillowy will make her breasts soft and warm and squeezable and extremely comfortable. Past reviews of Pillowy breasts include 'oh my god, they make breasts like that????', 'it is like touching a cloud', and 'I want to smoosh my face into it and never leave.' Bimbos with Pillowy breasts do tend to grab them and play with them all the time, but this is actually not our fault! They are just such amazing stim toys that it is impossible to resist the urge to grope them."

Oh yeah? Try her. Evie has been on a diet since she was six years old. She can resist any physical pleasure if it would be embarrassing or make men like her less.

Altogether, Evie approves. This is the sort of thing she was expecting from Bimbo or Billionaire? instead of nonconsensual pixie cuts.  

"Our second option is Bouncy. Bouncy takes advantage of the latest advances in biomaterial chemistry to make video game jiggle physics into reality. Her breasts will move at least twice as fast and as dramatically as you would expect. Even the slightest twitch of her shoulders will send a shockwave across her chest. As a bonus, we'll throw in strengthened back and core muscles and our patented PerkyTech (TM) technology, so that Evie can skip the bra without the slightest pain or inconvenience. I'd say you'd be literally unable to take your eyes off them, but that honor goes to..."

That's also the kind of thing she was expecting, although Evie will wear a bra regardless. She's a classy bimbo like that. 

"...our third option, Hypnoboobs! Made famous by our host, Chrissi, Hypnoboobs hypnotize anyone attracted to women who looks at them. When gazing at the hypnoboobs, you will be relaxed, horny, happy, and very suggestible, especially if the suggestion is that you should spend more time staring at, touching, kissing, or fucking the hypnoboobs."

.................honestly that sounds incredibly useful. Maybe instead of being a trophy wife she can flash men and get them to give her thousands of dollars. It's sort of like being a golddigger, but more distributed! When she went to the quant trading club at Yale to find a boyfriend they were constantly talking about the importance of diversification. 

"Our fourth option is Valley of Pleasure, back by popular demand! With Valley of Pleasure, every part of her breasts is as sensitive as her cunt. Having them played with feels like getting fingered and giving a titfuck feels like getting fucked. And of course each of her nipples is like another clitoris on her chest."

That's stupid. Why would she need that? That's what faking orgasms is for.

(Her hair perks up curiously.)

"Aaaaand the winner is... Valley of Pleasure!"

What?! That one's so stupid. They should have more faith in Evie's acting ability. 

The fog arises and washes over her and when it retreats she feels... exactly the same because she is too dignified to touch her breasts in public, thank you. 

"Whaddaya say, Evie, give us a squeeze?"

"No. 23."

"Money! You have a dollar."

19 and 13 get her to a whole $100, which would buy a nice meal out, if Evie were the sort of person who paid for her own meals out. And then she says "Three."

"Aw, bad luck, Evie, it's Face."

Obviously it's Face. She only has one left.

"Our first option for Face is Tattoos. Tattoos will allow Evie to change the color of her skin at will, allowing her to transfer any design from the page to her skin. Whether she wants a cute butterfly, a flower, the name of Mr. Right or Mr. Right Now, or simply the word SLUT, Tattoos allows her to transform her body into a work of art."

"You may object that Tattoos is really more of a Body than a Face, and you would be right, but the designers didn't get much sleep the night they were planning this. Besides, she can also put the tattoos on her face."

Absolutely not. Trashy sluts get tattoos. Classy golddiggers like Evie don't mar their skin with other people's art. If you get a tattoo, people might think they can have sex with you for free. 

it would be so good to be made out of art

Her hair perks up, like a traitor. 

"Our second option for Face is No Makeup. With No Makeup, Evie will be completely unable to wear makeup of any kind. If she so much as applies mascara, the itch will be unbearable, making her want to claw her face off unless she immediately rinses it off. With No Makeup, Evie will go out into the world barefaced. You won't have to make her go swimming to find out what you're going to get in the morning."

aaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

The purpose of this show is to torture and humiliate her specifically.

(Her hair hides her eyes.)

"Our third option for face is Fashion Plate. With Fashion Plate, Evie will follow the latest styles on the runways in Milan, Paris, New York, and London. She will be compelled to make sure her look is up-to-the-minute and follows all of the latest trends-- if she isn't setting them. Whether the current fad is a bold eye, a matte complexion, soft blush, or even face gems, Evie will look like she's always stepped out of Vogue."

excellent, she will be compelled by mind control to do the coolest makeup

Bad! Men like classic looks and do NOT like face gems! Seriously, it's like no one on this show knows what they're supposed to be doing. 

"Our fourth option for face is Pretty in Blue. Going along with her blue complexion, Pretty in Blue requires Evie's makeup looks to always have a significant blue component. Whether it's a blue lip, blue eyeliner, aqua eyeshadow, or simply drawing a blue star on her face, Pretty in Blue will make sure she always fits with her theme color."

It... could be worse. Evie guesses. With her blue hair, natural beauty is sort of out the window regardless. Besides, being Extremely Blue is very appealing.