Shreya Menodora was a precocious child even by Chelish standard. She realized these when her dad Acid Splashed her on her fifth birthday:
Firstly, Cheliax sucks and her family sucks.
Secondly, she doesn't deserve this.
Thirdly, she can't stand it for one more day.
And lastly, she can escape right now.
There are some facts about Shreya that distinguish her from an ordinary Chelish child.
She is Cunning, which is common in the Nursery Attached to Corentyn Wizard Academy that feeds children so that their wizard parents won't be distracted from serving Asmodeus, and even moreso Wise, which is not common among wizards' children.
She does not feel that she is a pathetic mortal worm deserving punishment and desperately needing correction from her superior. Only for once was she tricked to feel that way when she was three and asked a question about why Asmodeus agrees with Pharasma's sorting instead of sending everyone to Hell. Before she even knew that was heresy. And everyone got spanked because of her heresy. However, in the middle of that thought, Shreya recognized that thought and realized it's stupid that they blame not just her but other children who did not asked the question. And also, why can't they just answer the question.
She does feel stressed, punished or frustrated as a normal Chelish citizen does, but her coping method is correctly attributing her suffering entirely on the natural inferiority and malice of others. Shreya isn't comfortable not because of she sucks, actually she's the best one ever, so it's whatever else that sucks. For example, stupid rules stupid adults stupid babies and stupid mishap. It's stupid rule that children must recite and copy Asmodean prayers over and over again that rhymes poorly and calls them pathetic mortal slaves and does not help with improving their reading because children don't like it and won't appreciate it and are not respected by it and will like Cheliax and Asmodeus less because of it. Stupid adults should make up better prayers that respect her Pride because Asmodeus is a god of Pride and is not stupid. The whole world of Abyssal stupidity should be corrected by Asmodeus or if Asmodeus is too busy, should be corrected by her, the actually thinking one therefore the best one ever.
She does not, as Chelish reinforced learning often suggests, deny her heretic thoughts of she is the best one ever because why would anyone do this. She seldom thinks about it, because not thinking something doesn't mean it is false. It just means that it helps with her goal of not getting hurt. Spells have cost and wizards usually don't run Detect Thoughts on five-year-olds. A wizard student did it once for school practice and Shreya got Acid Splashed because she was thinking about stupid adult rules. That wizard student didn't report her as this is the standard punishment on nursery children, and they think she learned a valuable lesson about not being a heretic. That's not the case.
She didn't err again because she since then learned to focus on thinking surface thoughts of something else like obeying superiors. She learned to not get hurt by actually obeying (stupid) adults and orders and rules just as anyone else. She learned to not get hurt by Bluff and control of facial expressions normally. She appears not suspicious and rebellious at all because behaving like that equals getting hurt. It's just that behaving like a Chelish child and thinking obedient surface thoughts for a thousand times like a Chelish child does not necessarily require to believe the same things as a Chelish child.
And, at the bottom of her beliefs, there is a little voice saying: The best one ever should not get hurt. Something is horribly wrong if she gets hurt.
Some children of wizards think like this. Pathetic and wrong. They will grow out of it as soon as they learn about the inescapability of Hell and later fulfill the assertion by damning themselves to Lawful Evil. They will get hurt if they don't.
And it came to pass the night when her dad Acid Splashed her not for her disobedience but out of his own drunkenness and stupidity. (That stupid drunk who is and will remain an unsuccessful laundry wizard always vents his dissatisfaction on Shreya because his girlfriend is serving at the Worldwound and more successful than him and Shreya's his only subordinate.) Don't think that he may have a Detect Thoughts up no again I failed in suppressing thoughts and he isn't Detecting that's why he doesn't beat me again and it hurt a lot.
The acid disappeared after hitting but it continued to hurt.(And it's not fair.)
She didn't deserve the punishment it's like the question one and it hurt and hurt and is scary. (Something is horribly wrong.) Heresy no it really hurt this doesn't help he's swearing and scary he left now he is gone now I can think. (The best one ever should not get hurt.) This doesn't help what helps just endure it and don't let out a voice it's night people are sleeping oh nice the hurt is half gone. (What stupid things will they do to me after I grow up.)
Wait that's a new one what has she thought of again?
(What stupid things will they do to me after I grow up.)
Louder? It's night no one is Detecting my Thoughts.
What stupid things will they do to me after I grow up.
There it is! A new thought! Is it heresy? Maybe! From my experience heretical thoughts should be suppressed and also believed! Let's learn not thinking of it while believing it!
Absolutely no! You are doing exactly the opposite to our doctrines about NOT believing heretical thoughts! And going along with heretical thoughts does not help!
What stupid things will they do to me after I grow up. OK, let's think along.
After the nursery stop feeding me, they will send me to a Wizard Academy because I'm smart and can learn magic. Westcrown? Ostenso? No, Corentyn is the nearest one, I'll go directly here. My mom's smart and can learn magic and the awful drunk can learn magic but he's awfully unwise. Wizard smartness passes down to their children that's why Nursery Attached to Corentyn Wizard Academy feeds children for free. They can collect learning money when we grow up and learn magic and that money will come from the "student loan" thing that one student told to my feeder adult. And I will pay the student loan after leaving the Academy because someone will pay for my spells that are more expensive than laundry cantrips and Detect Thoughts.
Or maybe I'll go to a Theology school if they want me to help Asmodeus correcting people when He's busy. That's not likely, stupid adults won't let me correct them though they need correction very much.
What's next?
Maybe I will find a boyfriend and bear his children! Cheliax will pay me because they may become wizards too and wizards are more helpful than most stupid adults. And I can sell my spells and become rich and not worry for food clothes and housing forever.
What's next?
You're guessing things correctly! Keep thinking about your bright rich prideful future without thinking of what really happens next.
Wait what's my first thought again?
That's… Let me think… What stupid things will they do to me after I grow up.
That's obvious! I was tricked into thinking what I will do after I grow up. The real heresy to be unthought and believed is what they will do. Actually, it's obvious that I want to think about becoming rich rather than may-get-hurt heresy!
I'm the best one ever. No wait I should think about the do-to-me rather than this. (That's why I'm the one who actually think and therefore the best one ever.) Do-to-me, right.
So, what is done to students in Corentyn Wizard Academy? They learn magic spells but that's what they do, not something done to them.
Punishment, apparently. Punishment is done to Corentyn students when they are disobedient or heretical or stupid or pathetic. I was punished and it hurt a lot. Will they punish wizard students less, for they are more helpful than nursery children? That seems hopeful!
Erm actually the Asmodean prayer says: Thou shalt not hope to escape Hell's dismay, but instead know despair and obey, for Asmodeus the Archfiend doth not tolerate the hope of pathetic mortal slaves. (Poor rhyme, even for children that's not okay! And we don't use "thou", "shalt" and "doth" nowadays! ) Intrusive thought stop.
It was, in fact, intentionally written for less aesthetic children to more easily recite and for children like Shreya to learn a lesson of obedience to their superiors even they care about aesthetics less than them.
Anyway, what's the typical punishment for a wizard student with heretical thoughts?
They're set on fire! Didn't Shreya's dad oftentimes says: "My teacher used to set me on fire once a week, you cry over a few lashes and you get more lashes." And the Acid Splash as Standard Punishment student also mentioned that she was helping her to become more tolerant to upcoming punishments like literal fucking burning.
So being set on fire, less than once a week because she isn't as awful as that mockery of a dad, right? That seems like an awful lot of pain, maybe sucks as much as an Acid Splash, though she hasn't ever been on fire so she's not sure.
What else?
More Acid Splashes?
No that still sounds too hopeful by stupid adult standard.
What else, really?
Once the Standard Punishment student's younger sister brought a story book about a Chelish wizard girl who betrayed her boyfriend, who is a paladin of a Good God! I didn't get it all but when she failed to seduce that paladin boy the first time and the second time she was punished by the Church. What's the punishment again?
She was brought to a torture chamber. Let me check, "and screamed in great agony inside that iron virgin as she was punished and hurt again for her incompetence ."
What the Abyss is an iron virgin. It seems like the worst thing that can happen to a Cherish wizard girl. I don't like that at all.
And did she got her pay at last? She used a lot of spells during the story.
LOL no. After her third attempt of seduction which succeeded with flying colors, she died and went to Hell and with her last breath she cast Malediction to the stupid paladin boy, so he also went to Hell because a fifth circle Asmodean wizard teleported in and killed him with a single spell in the same minute. Asmodeus won.
Our country is winning again. In fact, we're winning so much that we really don't know what to do about it. People are asking me, "Please, please, please, Lord Asmodeus, we're winning too much. We can’t take it anymore." (frantic villain laugh)
"Died and went to Hell" doesn't count as winning for that wizard girl! At least her family got paid. Though I don't want my family got paid if that requires me dying and going to Hell at eighteen! Maybe I can avoid this as long as I don't go around seducing paladin boys?
…Actually that's still too hopeful. What if I am conscripted to the Worldwound like mom? There's lots of scary demons and I may die. Mom said lots of soldiers had died there. Am I not to serve Asmodeus in life and also in death? I don't mind helping out, our Lord seems busy making devils so He cares less about correcting stupid rules here in Cheliax.
Hold on that's also I-dos and not do-to-mes.
When I die, I will go to Hell. Are devils in Hell stupid? Asmodeus is competent enough to make smart devils. But what if they want to punish me though I did nothing wrong, like the unwise drunk did to me and the smart wizard teachers did to the Standard Punishment girl?
There isn't any description other than "Hell shalt hurt at first and maketh the worthy souls devils at last."
That's not much information! Will I be paid for serving Asmodeus in death or turning into a cool devil is itself the payment? Who decides whether I am worthy? I mean, I am definitely worthy, I know and Asmodeus knows, but what if devils don't know and hurt me because heresy?
Then don't be a heretic in the first place. You are unworthy before our Lord and would only make a devil if you stop being a fucking heretic. And do you know the simplest way to stop being a heretic? No? It's stop believing heretical thoughts you idiot.
Well, I shouldn't be hopeful. Being hopeful always ends up badly, according to the poorly rhymed prayers. And every time I feel a bit hopeful for the awful dad, he will disappoint me afterwards. Maybe I should just assume that devils are stupid in the way smart adults are stupid. And will hurt me in Hell. Let me think along that chain of thought…
And remind me again, Asmodean prayers and story book about stupid paladin boy, how is Hell like? Does it hurt people often or rarely? Is it as painful as a few lashes, Acid Splashes, burning or iron virgin?
Constantly on fire, no payment for slaves. Always. Burning and torture chambers.
We don't lie about these fundamental theologies we are just very good at making Chelish people not thinking that way. You yes you how dare you think that way fuck stop.
Oh, that sucks. And that's evidence that devils are stupid in stupid adults' way, you can't make me helpful or even obedient by constantly setting me on fire. I'll just scream and kick until you stop hurting the best one ever and if you don't stop I will run away and if you lock me in a torture chamber then I will not be locked in a torture chamber in the first place. That's a useful thought, not being locked in a torture chamber in the first place. Noted.
And how long will people hurt until they become cool devils? If that's a few rounds I can endure it. Acid Splash lasts this long. I'll consider running away if that's more than, say, thirty minutes.
Indefinitely! That ranges from decades to millennials, usually centuries. But ultimately all the worthy ones become devils. (You are not supposed to think about the fate of the unworthy ones.)
So, I'm going to run away from Hell. How can I end up in somewhere else that is not Hell, when I die? Any thoughts, prayers and story book?
They say Hell is inescapable. You know stupid adults often lie to children and get away with their poor lies. Not even Bluff, just blatant lies like when the mockery of a dad promised about a birthday present and gave me Acid Splash instead saying that was the present. He wanted to be Lawful and keep his promise but forgot that promise entirely because he's drunk again and therefore hurt me out of no reason. Just lies told to children.
When they say Hell is inescapable, they're lying again. Why? If the paladin boy wasn't Maledicted he wouldn't go to Hell. He's a paladin of Sarenrae so he would go to Sarenrae's afterlife. And it's Pharasma doing the sorting, She is Neutral so She won't sort everyone to Hell. Asmodeus is Her subordinate in Her tyranny. Therefore Hell is not inescapable.
Why are they lying? Of course because they want Hell full of unpaid slaves which is good for their profit. So they want nursery children to prepare for Hell by reciting prayers that's stupid they can just hurt people less and pay us. That's how you get a grown-up Shreya to work for you. Stupid adults and stupid devils.
Digression detected. Now how can I end up in somewhere else that is not Hell, when I die? Useful thought, not being locked in a torture chamber in the first place.
Am I locked in a torture chamber now? The nursery sucks but not necessarily in the torture chamber way. Cheliax moreso because more stupid adults, but still not locked. Being in Hell as a petitioner? That seemed locked indeed, it's plane border instead of just country border.
Stupid people want me to become Lawful Evil so they can get unpaid slaves locked in the torture chamber of Hell. When I grow up, they will teach me Acid Splash and I'll cast it on children my age as Standard Punishment. That will make me Evil. They will force me to obey stupid rules to avoid punishments. That will make me Lawful. They will see me as a powerful rich wizard rather than a child and that will result in more Detect Thoughts and more punishments to heresy. And when I become Lawful Evil I will be damned to Hell as an unpaid slave suffering for more than the entire length of my lifetime. If I'm not Lawful Evil, I will sell my soul to a devil like the Teleported-in fifth circle wizard did and if I refuse, I will be Maledicted and executed so I'll end up in Hell nonetheless. That's why the Teleported-in wizard sold his soul.
Also Asmodeus won't hear my prayer in Hell and accept my help and pay me and immediately turn me into a cool devil because there will be stupid devils in between.
What the Abyss that's completely insane. When I put all the jigsaws together why I see literally the worst future. What the fucking Abyss are they going to do to me.
I see this future and can't deny its possibility, and it is a future that the best one ever does not deserve, so I must get a better one.
So I'm going to escape Cheliax before I grow up, get more Detect Thoughts cast on me, become Lawful Evil, sell my soul or get Maledicted.
(Why everyone else can stand it. I can't stand it for one more day.)
Louder?
Why everyone else can stand it. I can't stand it for one more day. And they may Detect my Thoughts at any time so I should escape right now.
There I am and I'm the best.
I can sneak out the nursery but may get caught next morning. A child wandering in Corentyn without a custodian is suspicious and someone may report me. I can ask some adults for help. A church of another god, maybe. Can I find one tonight? Are there any?
Oh. Right. I can ask some gods for help. Let me pray and check next morning whether I'll get cleric spells or oracle spells. Oracle curses are also useful; a god can make a curse that makes it easy to escape here.
But don't be too hopeful.
What if I don't get spells next morning?
Then I'll just kill myself and ask Pharasma for help! So easy!
Why didn't anyone come up with this brilliant idea before they become Lawful Evil? Is it because I'm the smartest and wisest child ever in Cheliax?
I'm Shreya Menodora currently in Nursery Attached to Corentyn Wizard Academy. This is emergency prayer please pay attention.
Iomedae Iomedae goddess of fighting Evil and stupid paladin boys listen to me. I think Cheliax sucks and don't wanna become Lawful Evil because I don't wanna go to Hell. I thought You were incompetent and young and weak but maybe You aren't. Maybe You are more competent than my books said because you don't have stupid torture chambers and unpaid slaves. Um. Give me spells and You will have one less Evil wizard who is the wisest girl in Cheliax to seduce your paladin boys. Give me spells. Please. Or I will burn down the nursery.
Sarenrae Sarenrae goddess of pathetic squeamish hopefulness and sorting everyone to Neutral Good and hot sunny days listen to me. I think Cheliax sucks and don't wanna become Lawful Evil because I don't wanna go to Hell. You don't want everyone to go to Hell including me so please give me spells it's a win-win contract. I'll do whatever You want me to do as long as I don't go to Hell. Give me spells. Please. Or I will burn down the nursery. That's because I don't want other children to go to Hell when they grow up. Look how aligned with You I am! Pleazzz?
Unfortunately I'm a positive if not utilitarian entity and believe in hope and redemption so hard that you won't get spells with purpose to end the mortal lives of innocent redeemable children!
Milani Milani goddess of disobedience to superiors and recklessly destroying governments and Law without building anything better listen to me. I think Cheliax sucks and don't wanna become Lawful Evil because I don't wanna go to Hell. You are Chaotic Good, the opposite of Lawful Evil? Anyway I don't like obeying stupid superiors and Cheliax is full of them. I wanna destroy the government of Cheliax too so please give me spells so I can help you. I can also help you build something better because I am the wisest child in Cheliax. Give me spells. Please. I will burn down the nursery anyway but with Your spells I can burn it more thoroughly.
Not within an alignment step.
(If I can hear you I would say that My revolutionaries are already trying to overthrow Chelish government. But revolution is a long term project and I speculate that your strategy of burning children won't help with My plan, which is the most promising one as far as I can see. I can't see that far though, as the prophecy was shattered. Maybe you are right and I am wrong!
I hope you can escape nonetheless, precious little cost.)
Cayden Cailian drunk god of ascending by sheer luck and breaking Law and irresponsibly drinking alcohol are You the god who fucked with my drunk dad please stop messing with my dad. I think Cheliax sucks and don't wanna become Lawful Evil because I don't wanna go to Hell. I want to be lucky like You. I want to escape Cheliax and that is breaking the Law. After that I can teach Your people how to drink alcohol wisely?? Give me spells. Please. Or I will burn down the nursery. Do You want me to burn down the nursery?
Not within an alignment step and you're totally wrong with my divine domains.
(Or I will definitely give you spells unrelated to fire and means "don't burn anyone". Girl I like you and yes you're the best.)
I haven't heard of you two!
(And Shelyn, Irori, and countless other heretical deities that are not even in extremely biased Chelish textbooks.)
Anyway.
Abadar Abadar god of banks and trade and indulging sexism in Osirion listen to me. I think Cheliax sucks and don't wanna become Lawful Evil because I don't wanna go to Hell. Because Hell is full of unpaid slaves and that's not fair trade. I'll do whatever You want me to do as long as I don't go to Hell. You give me spells so I won't have to go to Hell. It's a fair trade and win-win contract. Or I will burn down the nursery.
"Or I will burn down the nursery."
Is that a threat or something you will do anyways without intention to affect My decisions?
It's not fair to ask a five-year-old's take on decision theory! I don't have one!
Nice try but usually My clerics are required to be more Lawful than you?
Nethys Nethys crazy god of knowledge magic mad experiments craziness and explosion listen to me. I think Cheliax sucks and don't wanna become Lawful Evil because I don't wanna go to Hell. I want to learn knowledge and magic. I want to become a wizard casting Teleport without selling my soul. I don't know whether I will like mad experiments but they seem funny and I love having fun. Give me spells. Please. I will burn down the nursery without them but with Your spells I can EXPLODE it.
I haven't seen you before! A New Game Nethys will do Absolutely Nothing to see what will happen! Though I'd be Extremely Glad to see you Exploding the Nursery!
Calistria Calistria goddess of irresponsible and futile revenge out of passion with no respect of Law listen to me. I think Cheliax sucks and don't wanna become Lawful Evil because I don't wanna go to Hell. I want to escape Cheliax and that is breaking the Law. I want to kill Chelish children before they become Lawful Evil because I don't want other children to go to Hell when they grow up and that is revenge against Cheliax. Give me spells. Please. I will burn down the nursery and become the most vengeful child in Cheliax. Really.
I'll probably pick you if you see revenge more as motivation or objective, and less as "The means I use to pursue my goal also coincidentally hurts those who hurt me so that's technically revenge I guess".
Pharasma Pharasma goddess of birth and death and sorting people to afterlives listen to me. I think Cheliax sucks and don't wanna become Lawful Evil because I don't wanna go to Hell. I'll help You deliver every baby as long as I don't go to Hell. Give me spells. Please. Or I will burn down the nursery. I don't want other children to go to Hell when they grow up. Do You want that? Why? There's babies in the nursery I'd have to kill them all and You won't like that. Please, Pharasma?
NO.
I WILL SORT ALL OF YOU TO BONEYARD NONETHELESS THOUGH I HATE SORTING BABIES AND I AM SO ANNOYED.
ASMODEUS SHOULD STOP INCENTIVIZING CHILDREN TO COMMIT SUICIDE AND INFANTICIDE. THE ONLY REASON I AM NOT TELLING ASMODEUS THIS IS THAT HE WILL GET THAT ONE MALEDICTED AND THAT'S EVEN WORSE.
AND I WILL ALSO NOT TELL HIM UNDER THE CONDITION OF NOT MALEDICTING THAT ONE BECAUSE I AM AND WILL CONTINUE TO BE FURIOUS ABOUT HIM.
NO SPELLS.
……Fine. It's right to be not-hopeful.
Am I going to pray to Neutral and Chaotic Evil gods?
Nope! I'd prefer Boneyard. Maybe I can take care of some children killed by me?
Sneaks into the kitchen, it's locked but there's a gap wide enough for a skinny five-year-old. Gets a sharp knife and several bottles of oil and a flint. Sneaks into bedroom hall where every child below six sleeps.
Smothers every baby, one by one. Each one takes a few minutes before their breath stops.
If someone comes in Shreya can slit her own throat immediately.
It's fine. Shreya's doing them a favor.
The feeder adult is not here as usual. She doesn't bother to watch or even sleep in this cold and smelly room. How lucky.
I'm the only one who care. And actually think. Therefore the best one ever.
Oil on the ground. Oil in beds and cradles. Quietly and quickly lest someone uncaring and stupid comes in.
Why is this so easy. Which One has blessed me? Thank You very much, Whoever blessed me!
