Plagueis's first guise under which to meet the young Palpatine, is at a rare political event in the Palpatines' home, in which Tapalo is meeting with the other faction. He'll first need to find his father, of course.

His father is here!

"Magister Damask," says Cosinga Palpatine, a suspicious look on his face. "It's... good to see you. I understand you've been... involving yourself in the recent political events?"

"Yes," replies Damask. "But please, feel free to discuss other matters. We may not agree on all the fine details of policy, but I'm quite sure we can find ways to bring a better future to this planet together. How have you been? Is your family well?"

Okay... they're socializing? "I've been rather well, thank you, and my family too." A blatant lie, but it's not like that matters. "We found an excellent resort by the Lake Paonga for the summer, and we - " covered up two murders with crippling bribes " - were learning a few charming little sports, like - " riding landspeeders " - fishing, and noeu-sphere racketball, and a little dejarik."

"Oh? I used to play dejarik, although I'm afraid I'm out of practice these days." He's not at all out of practice. He tries to play it with other politicians whenever possible, and then analyzes the game afterwards with a droid, to determine whether they tried to beat him, or tried to lose. It's an excellent way for him to get a grasp on their psychology, with all the ways that dejarik metaphorically stands for the game of politics itself. But if Cosinga brought it up, maybe he tries the same sort of thing, sometimes? Well, that doesn't really matter right now, Cosinga's not the one he wants to get a read on. So he'll put it off. "Hopefully we can play a game or two some time. I don't believe I'm familiar with noeu-sphere racketball?"

"A fairly simple sport; two teams try to hit a ball back and forth across a net, and if one fails to intercept it, they lose a point."

"So, how have you been spending your time? I've heard you've been very active in your science division?"

He was not supposed to have heard that; that was supposed to have been kept quiet, but he supposes things leak out all the time. What was the lie again - "Yes, a little. I studied some biology when I was younger, and I helped them make a bit of a breakthrough on Iktotchi horn rot. We have treatments in the early stages of production, and so far they've been doing a marvelous job at repairing damage from rockmite infestations. It could entirely revolutionize the horn care industry for the entire Iktotch moon. I can't say I deserve that much of the credit, I have a wonderful team. But it was a nice experience getting to help out on the industrial level for a change."

Hopefully that will satisfy him. There's not much harm in people knowing that Damask is working on biological research, but if anyone found out that the scale was far, far larger than one disease on one moon... well, they're not ready for that yet.

Once he's solved immortality, then the galaxy will know. Until then, he's an ordinary businessman with a few harmless hobbies, that hopefully people will stop hearing about so often.

"Oh, that's nice to hear. Have you had much time to get away from work, yourself?" The answer will be no and that will remind him that no matter how rich he is, he's still just an ordinary worker, not part of the true aristocracy.

Damask frowns. "No, I don't think I really have." Well, Cosinga can play all the status games he wants, Damask prefers not to be thought of as too important. Back to the topic he wanted to discuss - "I suppose I've always wanted to settle down a little, start a family like you. It must be quite nice, having children around the house."

"Yes, it is." For four out of five of his children. "I don't suppose any of them are around - ah..." He looks around the room. There's Sheev. Nope! Where are the others? Any of the others? Any of them? Really? Urgh, but now he's looked at Sheev and it'll seem too awkward if he doesn't call him over. "Sheev? Could you come over? There's someone I'd like you to meet."

Sheev Palpatine arrives, with a grimace. "Hello," he says. "I'm Palpatine." He shakes Damask's hand.

He's definitely Force-sensitive. Very powerful. He can tell just by being near him. "Nice to meet you - ah... Sheev?"

"I'd prefer just Palpatine, sir," he says.

"He doesn't much like his name," Cosinga says with a shrug and a forced smile. Because the first name stands for what his parents chose for him, and the last name stands for all of his power.

"Of course," says Damask. "Have you been enjoying your vacation? I heard you had been picking up a few sports?"

Oh shit did someone find out about - "Yes, a little," Palpatine replies. "Racketball, and dejarik, and landspeeder racing, and fishing, and so on." Put it in the middle, so it doesn't draw attention in case he doesn't know.

"Landspeeder racing! Your father didn't mention that!" Damask knows exactly what happened and is really enjoying this subtext.

"Yes, my father taught me how to drive one, and we were riding in town for a while." Associate the blame with his father so that he'll have no choice but to once again intervene in favor of his son, even if he doesn't want to.

You bastard. Unfortunately not literally, he's tested and it really is his son, even with all of its problems. "Yes, it's a fairly relaxing sport," he says. "If you wanted to take a ride, I'm sure we could arrange that?" If Damask already knows what happened, Cosinga has already lost. But if not, then he wants to make sure to make sure he gets an impression of it being very slow, and free from any risk whatsoever. A nice, calm ride would ensure that. And he supposes if Damask does know, Cosinga can use the ride to try to bring up bribery, although he suspects it'll take millions upon millions of credits if it's even possible at all.

"That would be a pleasure!" Hopefully these are two-person landspeeders? If they're fit for racing, they probably can't fit four. So he needs to arrange it so that Sheev - or just the young Palpatine, he supposes, if the boy doesn't like the name - ends up driving. "Palpatine," he says to the boy, "would you like to give me a tour of this delightful area?"

No no no no say no say no he's giving Sheev glares which clearly mean no he needs to do the driving himself -

"That sounds delightful!"

DAMMIT.

Once they've gotten a safe distance from the Palpatines' home, Damask casually says, "I know your secret, Palpatine."

Wonderful. Does he have a weapon on hand?

"And not just about you running a couple people over with the landspeeder, I mean the fun secret."

Oh.

Well, if he already knows, then Palpatine will use the Force to throw Damask out of the landspeeder and run him over.

...why is this not working, come on.

Plagueis slows the speeder to a stop, clutches onto Palpatine's hand, and leaps away by a margin of a hundred or so meters.

Oh, no.

"Okay, look, I know I might not have been doing exactly what the Jedi say, but - "

"I'm not a Jedi," says Plagueis with a smile. "My name is Darth Plagueis, the last surviving Sith Lord in the line of Lord Bane, and I'm here with what will most likely be a job offer."

Palpatine will kneel in a fraction of a second. "I'm sorry my lord I wasn't trying to - the Sith are still alive, I didn't think anyone - I thought I was the only one who even cared anymore, who even wanted power - I thought I - I thought you - I can be your apprentice?"

"That," says Plagueis, "depends on your answers to a few questions of mine. If you try to lie, I will of course know."

"First off. What exactly is it that makes you want to be a Sith Lord?"

Well, hopefully he doesn't need to lie. He doesn't know much about the Sith, only what little he's managed to recover from rare artifacts and scraps of unfiltered history, but he's pretty sure that for once in his life, this is someone who actually cares about the same things as him.

"For power. I mean... we're not everyone who we could be. We're people, with all the flaws that people inherently have, and... I mean, I am better at fixing my flaws than most people, but it's not enough. It wouldn't be enough just to be better than everyone, even, it wouldn't be enough to be perfect in every way but one. And I don't think I could ever be perfect, but if I could be... the Sith are the closest I can get. They have the power, the strength, to make me better, to make my life the greatest way it could be, to make me worth more - "

Part of that sounds right, and part of that isn't even close.

"Power's not a goal in and of itself," says Plagueis. "Power means the ability to achieve goals, the strength to be able to do anything you want, be anyone you want. And it's of course a worthy subgoal, but what would you do with power?"

Palpatine pauses for a few moments, and oh no he said something wrong in front of the Sith Lord he needs to say something right - "Anything I wanted. I mean... I don't know exactly what, but I could take over the galaxy, I could - I could live forever."

"Yes, living forever is something we all want. Taking over the galaxy - what for? What would you even do with a galaxy?"

"...well, obviously having a galaxy is better than not having a galaxy? And if I lived beyond trillions of years I might need planets' worth of space and materials for computing, like, to simulate me if I was hosted on a computer, or whatever I was built of by then, and also probably a bunch of backups just in case. I don't think I've spent much time thinking about exactly what I would want to do with eternity; obviously there are a bunch of fun things I've come up with but I'm sure once I've enhanced my intelligence I can come up with better ones."

This one's at least looking for the right things in a sense, at least he cares about immortality and becoming stronger and smarter and all that but he doesn't seem to care about anything else.

"Most of this seems to be centered around you. What of the rest of the galaxy?"

"Well... they'd be working for me, if they were still alive? I'd probably keep some alive, there are a few things you need other people for. And if I took over the universe with people then they'd probably get some space of their own, although I don't want to - " Oh is he worried that Palpatine wants to kill him? But every Sith Lord kills their master! "Obviously I would still have loyalty to those who had helped me!" he stammers out. "Any Sith who took over the galaxy with me! I wouldn't betray them!"

"First, that's a lie," says Plagueis, who is not actually able to read his mind, but can still guess pretty well what he's thinking.

"And second, it appears you don't have much concern for... morality."

...that's a trick, right? It's obviously some kind of trick.

"Morality's not real?" he replies, hesitantly. "It's just what people come up with to try to make other people want to help them, it doesn't actually matter."

"Really."

"Well, I certainly don't mean to postulate some sort of... objective morality, whatever that would even mean. It's not even consistent for there to be something that people overall should do, without should being defined in somewhat arbitrary terms. Each individual has their own goals, and they each try to accomplish those, and there's no larger framework in which one's goals are somehow more correct than others, I'll grant you that."

"But suppose someone's inherent goals contained morality? Suppose someone truly did want to help all people that exist, and it wasn't because they were confused about philosophy and following what other people said, it was because they genuinely cared about others?"

"People don't actually care about that, they're just following instincts and trying to signal that they - "

"You know, I find it a little amusing, how in your great cynicism, your quest to see what's wrong with other people, you've turned around and tried to establish your own sort of system in which there's one true kind of goal and the people who do other things are worthless. I am aware that most of the people professing that they care about others are wrong about a great many things. That does not, in fact, mean that it is somehow inconsistent to care about others."

"As it so happens, there do exist people who value the greater good of people as a whole, and while there might not be some objective reason that you should care about that, it is an entirely self-consistent value that one might have."

"And it was actually one of the main purposes of the Sith Order, and yet just because the Jedi have branded the Sith as evil they have, in what I assume was an accident but is still extremely effective, managed to associate Sith with evil even in the minds of potential Sith themselves. And so lost people like you who could have been my true allies don't care about other people because they think that's only what Jedi do."

"I - so you're saying you care about helping people. And I don't, because I've what, been trained to think morality is for idiots, and so you're going to - you - " Can he fight back in any way. Probably not, but he should at least try...

"Calm down, I'm not actually going to kill you. I am quite upset that you value only yourself, but I am a Sith Lord; my emotions are tools and nothing more."

"But..." and then he stops talking before he can finish his sentence because he really doesn't want to say it.

"You're wondering why I would want you around, given that our values have such strong differences? Why someone good would want to recruit someone evil?"

Frightened nod.

"Well, first off, no matter how opposed they may be in stories, there isn't actually that much of a discrepancy between the good of the galaxy, and that of any individual. Across all possible values, they're indeed very similar. Even if you have no regard for the wellbeing of the rest of the galaxy, we agree on a few things, such as, for example, that I should share my secrets of immortality with you."

"You have secrets of immortality?"

Plagueis's eyes light up. "Rather incomplete secrets of immortality. At the moment they only extend to an especially powerful Sith Lord being able to cure themself of diseases, and minor wounds. Why, for me to finish my research entirely, I would need access to resources that I simply don't have at the moment, resources that would require the support of, oh, a Senator from Naboo, or perhaps even a Galactic Chancellor. Who might, in the meantime, be busy pushing for charitable pursuits that would help the many peoples of the galaxy."

"I will do literally whatever you want as long as I get to live forever."

"Well, then we're in agreement!"

"Except for one little thing. You don't care about other people, do you? You want power for yourself, you want the resources they might have... how do I know that once you had everything you wanted from me and the galaxy, you wouldn't just turn around and betray us?"

"A shame, isn't it. We could have worked together, except that I know that once I've already helped you gain power, then you'll have no further reason to help me. I suppose there's no way to solve that problem, though; there's nothing I could do to stop you then. I'll just have to kill you."

This is clearly a test, but... what could Plagueis have in mind? He knows Palpatine would betray him, that's true, there's no changing it, and even if Plagueis does have some defense he can use against Palpatine later on, to stop him from betraying him, it still wouldn't be worth it, there would always be a chance that Palpatine would find a way around it. Which they both know he would.

"I'm not seeing it," he admits after a few minutes of thinking.

Plagueis shrugs, and a blowtorch from inside of the speeder flies into his hand. With a casual movement, he ignites it and presses it to Palpatine's skin.

He is not going to die he is not going to die this is a test of some sort he is an aspiring Sith Lord and he will not succumb to mere pain and holy shit that hurts and he's screaming.

The blowtorch turns off after a few seconds; Plagueis doesn't want to hurt him permanently. Even as it is, though, the burn's pretty bad.

"It's simple enough, really. Just swear that even once you can betray me, you won't. And mean it."

"I swear it," Palpatine says, "I won't betray you, I'll do what you want, we can both get what we want - "

"Lies," smiles Plagueis, and now there is another burn.

"I - I was lying, yes, but it's not - I want it to be true! But I can't just - I can't make it so that I want to help you!"

"You may not follow the ideals of improving the galaxy, Palpatine, but you are still some version of a Sith, or at least you think you are. What makes you a Sith?"

"I want power, I want to become stronger, I want to be the best possible - "

"The best possible version of yourself is quite clearly that which does not betray me," says Plagueis. "Why not just simply be the person who doesn't betray me, because that's the only one who won't die today, and then you'll have what you want?"

"Well, yes, right now I want to be that person, but when the time comes I'll want to betray you..."

"Such a shame," Plagueis says, accompanied by another burn.

"You know, there's a fascinating area of logic called decision theory, that I think is somewhat relevant to our own situation. It's about modelling people trying to achieve their goals, with math. Most of the applications people discuss seem to be about nothing more practical than playing games, and most of the people talking about it have no idea what they're saying."

"And there are common situations just like this one, that people debate. Imagine if you were left for dead in a broken vessel in space, and a traveller comes along. He's a professional at analyzing people's expressions, he's wonderful at predicting exactly what other people will do. He knows that at but a small inconvenience to himself, he can rescue you. While he doesn't actually want to save your life for its own sake, he would certainly do it if he knew that you would pay him afterwards. So he asks you, will you pay him a hundred thousand credits, as soon as he gets you to safety?"

"And the ridiculous thing is, for all that these decision theorists think they know, they insist that the right answer is that once you get to safety, you don't pay him. You see, if you simply analyze the, ah, expected utility, you'll find that once you've been saved, you have a simple choice between keeping money, or not keeping money, and obviously keeping money is better."

"And so the traveller realizes that you of course won't pay him the money - after all, it's not the logical thing to do - and then he abandons you, and you die."

"So you're saying that since I'm a Sith, I should be better than that, and I know that and I know it's ridiculous but in the future it won't be any more, what the choices mean will have changed."

"That's certainly what your typical decision theorist says!" Burn.

"So, if you want the answer... well, there have been a lot of clever tricks people have tried to come up with, like this one idea about doing whatever would have been, were you to have learned about it as an outsider, evidence that you would have done the best? Or something like that? But none of those really worked perfectly."

"The actual solution is quite elegant, and indeed has always been one of the core tenets of the Sith way."

"You see, everyone thought the way to formalize decisions as logic was about how an agent, at any individual moment in time, picks the action with the best expected outcome. Whereas what actually works isn't about choosing the optimal action at any given point, it's about implementing the optimal strategy over all time, about being the most effective possible person you could be."

"So what, you're saying that - that even in the future, once I can betray you, I should notice that that's not the strategy that would make the most sense overall, and choose not to do it? But by then, it'll have already happened! I would already know exactly what I was getting from you, I can't actually go back and change the past and so it wouldn't make sense to - "

Burn.

" - it's because - oh so it's because you can predict me - so it's almost like I can influence the past, because my decisions are going to be the same as the ones in the prediction you're making right now, so - so it is best - "

"Exactly." Plagueis finally tosses the torch back into the speeder, now.

"So, I ask you again."

"Will you, even then in the future, be the person that refuses to betray me? Or will you be the person that betrays me, and thus doom yourself to not even having the chance to keep existing and betray me in the first place?"

"I'll - I'll - "

"Wait."

"Wait a second. Hang on." Because he does understand this, it makes perfect sense, but when he thinks about it, there's also another obvious meaning, something Plagueis clearly didn't want him to notice.

"Okay, so right now I know that if I agree to do what you want, it'll make things better for me in the future."

"But - if we also think about the past and things that were influenced by your predictions of me, if we think about me as - as a person doing certain things across time - then me agreeing right now, is actually - it's bringing about predictions of me, that I wouldn't have wanted you to have in the first place, just like what you were saying."

"Because you just tortured me, right, because you predicted that torturing me would make me think about it more, would make me start agreeing with you. But you didn't have to do that, right? You could have just talked me through it the long way, been patient or whatever, but no, you had that prediction that torturing me would be a little better for your goals, and so you tortured me."

"So if I'm the kind of person that does what you want when he gets tortured, then across all time, that's worse for me, even if it seems like it's better right now."

"All right, that is brilliant and I am legitimately very impressed that you figured that out so quickly. Yes, correct decision theory implies that you shouldn't ever give into threats that come from someone who can predict you, in a situation like this, and you are entirely correct."

"I didn't actually mean it as much of a harm to you, to be honest. Suffering through intense pain, and becoming stronger because of it, is an essential part of the Sith experience, and you will have to go through it more. But yes, it could certainly be considered a threat in that sense... hmm. Well, I can correct that."

Plagueis waves his hand, and a large bag arrives in Palpatine's hands. "That should contain several million Republic credits, which I was going to use as a bribe for the soon-to-be king, although I can find more elsewhere. Millions of credits is worth, if we were to use the colloquial term lifetime that really just means a hundred years or so, several dozen lifetimes' worth of everything you could ever want to buy. It is clearly worth so, so much more than the pain you were inflicted. I have now unambiguously done you a favor, meaning that you no longer have any reason not to have wanted the sum of this interaction."

"Now, can you swear it to me?"

"Of course," Palpatine says, his eyes filled with wonder. "I'll do it. We'll make the galaxy better together, for everyone you care about, and it'll make it better for me, and I am that kind of person, then. Even in the future, as long as I think you've done me a favor with all of this, with making me immortal, with giving me a paradise - which I will - I'll know that across all time, it's best for me to never betray you. And so I won't."

Plagueis smiles, and for once, it actually has a hint of warmth. "Thank you."

"Now let's apply some of my quickest treatments to those burns, and then get back to your palace. And then in a few weeks, I'll be back to help you kill your family and steal all of their political influence, and then you'll take over the galaxy and create an eternal utopia."

"You've done well, Darth Sidious." Yes, he gets a Darth and a Sith name already, he's earned it.

And Palpatine will accompany him back, and only once he's made it back to the safety of his own room, many hours later, will he finally let out his own real smile.

Because while sure, Plagueis was right, across time and all that, the best decision theory says to cooperate with people who can predict what you'll do, who can make it so that whatever you do then is also what you would have been doing in their predictions...

Plagueis can't predict him.

He might not be trained, but he knows what the touch of the Force feels like. His mind wasn't being touched at all during that encounter, no matter what Plagueis wanted him to think. And Plagueis quite clearly was surprised by a little of what Palpatine did, meaning he's not flawless at predicting people, especially not Palpatine.

He put on a convincing act, and it worked.

So the boy who was once Sheev Palpatine, and is now Darth Sidious, will learn the ways of the Sith, and gain power, and take actions that look to such an imperfect predictor as helping Darth Plagueis bring about his vision - until the second that he's strong enough to defeat him, the second he no longer needs his help.

And then Darth Plagueis will die, and Darth Sidious will reign.