Fuck. It got her.

And now this bullshit.

She checks over the room by reflex and scowls at the woman.

"You died. I'm not sure what would normally have become of you after that, but in this case the Ineffable Will of the Multiverse-" She looks kind of like she wants to do an eye-roll, but is refraining. "-Has decided you should be reincarnated into a new world as the villain of the story. With the chance to choose many aspects of how exactly it will play out, though not all of them. I'm here to tell you all about it and advise and help you as much as I'm allowed to."

What the fuck.

"I know it's extremely strange. This place is safe, and doesn't really - exist properly, you should be able to will things up if you'd like to be a bit more comfortable, or think for a bit first."

"Last place I was didn't exist properly either. That doesn't make it safe."

"It exists even less than the Scholomance. I have some notes on your life but not a real understanding. You will be going to a different universe, with different magic, different countries..."

"How tremendously jolly for me."

"I can't get you out of it, but I can help you make the best of it?"

"Yeah, a lot of people aren't very happy about it."

"You work for this outfit why?"

"...I was created whole cloth. If I quit I'd go into, cold storage I guess, and someone else would pop up to replace me."

"That strike you as a solid reason, there?"

"It actually does, which is probably part of how I was designed! So. Uh. No, it has not escaped me that the Will does not have anyone's best interests at heart, necessarily."

"Ah-huh. But you're designed to work it out for me best you can in spite of how your creator doesn't give an agglo's nut?"

"Yeah, whether that means setting yourself up as comfy as you can, or trying to screw the system in one way or another- Though given that it's possible to feel like you're screwing the system that might be left open deliberately-"

"How ineluctably charming."

"Straight to the troubling philosophical implications this time. Lovely."

"Why, what do most people do?"

"Freak out about how they died, celebrate about getting to be a princess, geek out over magic and the chance to worldbuild for themselves, try to optimize for making as many people happy and safe in their new world as possible- Most aren't magic already-"

"Well, I suppose given the chance to invent it they'll come up with something pleasanter than being magically delicious."

"Mmhm. Usually they get to invent it or at least have dominant creative input, occasionally the Will has something specific in mind. Nothing for you. Yours is incredibly horrible as magic goes. Technically 'no magic' is also an option but hardly anybody does that."

"It'd be an interesting change."

"If you want to, you can definitely choose it! There's a separate slider for the general technology level, you can go all the way up to cyberpunk and space opera, have starships and AIs and other tech to replace most conceivable everyday magic."

"Huh."

"There's an order I'm supposed to go in, there's actually quite a few choices- Do you want to start on that now, or maybe dream up some refreshments to clear your head or something? As long as you're still working towards making the choices in some way there's a lot of room in how long we can be here."

...sure. She will try to dream up a pot of tea and a nice egg sandwich full of sprouts that crunch and condiments with a flavor.

Fading in like some sort of low-budget special effect, there's a fancy wooden dining table with clean plates and shiny silverware. There's tea, and an egg sandwich, and a bowl of mixed fruit, and a vase full of flowers.

Serenity walks up and materializes a chair for herself, as well as a slice of pepperoni pizza.

Well the real question is does it taste right.

It does taste right. It also crunches just so, and smells the right way, and is a little bit chilly, and is generally indistinguishable from a real egg sandwich.

Oh. Okay. She's going to just scarf that down and get herself a soup course and a ripe pear and a bowl of ice cream too then.

The food is very obedient. Her guide is much less urgent about it, snacking on some roast veggies and a stack of pancakes.

Eventually El is kind of slowing down on her chocolate chip cookies.

"How are you feeling?"

"Well, dead, I guess."

"One thing that I always make sure to mention is that it's possible to arrange for some people from your home world to be reincarnated with you. Your new world would be 'paused' until after their deaths in your home universe, so they can be reincarnated with you. They would be able to eventually recover most of their memory, but not until the 'main story' is well and truly resolved."

"God, what a thing to put on somebody. What'll become of them without, I suppose."

She winces. "It wouldn't be better to not mention it, would it? Whatever would happen to them without any intervention. I can put in a special request to find out what that 'whatever' is but... Those don't always get answered. And if they do the answer isn't always nice."

A frown. "There are certain things I'm really not supposed to suggest or hint at, particularly as far as 'breaking the system' goes." She stares at El and tries to give a meaningful look.

"How very mysterious of you."

"Want to start talking about your options now?"

"Nothing could possibly bring me greater joy."

"So, the story you're being set to cast in has a few core rules. You're going to be nobility, in a country where nobility has real and serious power. It's going to be a romance, with you cast as the villain- The romantic rival for the heroine. The idea is that this story was counterfactually created as a major media franchise, and then you got sent to it to replace the villainess. Since it's a story world, there's going to be some level of story logic and fate in play by default. There's one option to give Fate a good kick in the pants that I'll get to later, but that's the basic idea. You'll choose to define your own character, the heroine, the love interest, some minions, some of worldbuilding and 'canon' story, and some additional 'perks' and 'flaws'. Make sense so far?"

"Oh, yeah, totally, easy as क ख ग. Suppose I've had enough of being a villain, what then?"

"Well... You can try to derail the story as early and energetically as possible, though there's - almost certainly going to be some sort of major conflict no matter what you try. Taking the 'off the rails' perk for best effect. You could be a minor villain instead, more in the background but with less steering power."

"Steering power, you say."

"As the main villainess you have more money, more political and social power, more chance to direct how things unfold. We're talking an actual princess, or heir to one of the most powerful dukedoms, or technically a commoner but buy-out-countries rich. A minor villain is instead an up-and-coming noble, a highly placed servant, or the sibling to the main villainess, not the direct driver of said villainy but associated with it and strongly incentivized to help. And with fewer resources to maneuver with."

"I haven't got any siblings. So I don't know how I'd take to it."

"Well, you will experience twelve or sixteen years of growing up before your memories really start to return, so it'd be a natural experience. -Your overall personality and temperament stays the same, there's a consistency."

"But who am I really without a dark prophecy looming over my head like the world's most socially objectionable umbrella?"

"...Might be why you were chosen for this- Extreme personalities show up here more often. The story is slated to properly end, and give you a 'happily ever after' if you overcome its natural course."

"That doesn't really answer my question but it raises so many other fascinating ones, do go on."

"Extreme personalities or happily ever after?"

"Start with the second, why not."

"The 'canon plot' of the story features a terrible fate for you, personally- But if you manage to avoid it, and most who are really motivated to do thus manage, there's nothing stopping you from retiring as wealthy nobility with much better magic powers than you had before and a set of family and friends you picked for yourself, or whatever. The world continues on well after the story itself ends. And it can be a very good life if you avoid your fate. Or even if you don't- One of the options for what happens in the 'canon story' is mere social disgrace, and some people don't care about that."

"Family is not traditionally chosen for oneself so much."

"Friends, not family, being picked."

"Why exactly is this what your creator gets off on?"

"I can't really say besides - drama? Story? This kind of format where we make you choose is pretty new. Usually we wouldn't be... Consulting people in your position... At all. Or letting them know anything is going on. Some of the other things I have - reference memories for - include the world freezing over and being saved by demons and angels, the world turning into a video game, something involving dragons-"

"Is that where Earth came from? Are we due a shining hero to save us all? Is Orion bloody Lake a veteran of a process like this?"

"Earth seems like a stable point. There's lots of Earth, each with its own weird thing. I don't know about Orion Lake."

"Classmate."