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Cam's in the library, waiting for Renée. "Waiting" here means "browsing until a quarter hour after ostensible meeting time". Renée is supposed to meet him here - on the way home for both of them, him from high school and her from elementary where she teaches kindergarten - but she is rarely punctual. Her co-workers or stray parents or the principal keep her after and Cam does notebooking, does homework, looks at the contents of shelves. It's a fine arrangement.
Today the contents of shelves don't seem so pleased with the setup, and one attacks him when he stumbles into a stack. Specifically, it tumbles onto his head. That's gonna hurt for a while. He picks it up to tuck it away again.
It says, So You Want To Be A Wizard.
Heh. Mis-shelved. This is a nonfiction row. Or maybe it's about stage magic or something? Cam's not going to find any use in that either, he can just about eat dinner without impaling himself on a fork and certainly shouldn't be handling delicate props, but it could be diverting while he waits for Renée and he wasn't finding anything else. He flips it open.
It's more interesting still than that; it's presenting itself like an actual guide to wizardry. This'll kill a whole afternoon with pleasant escapism. Cam checks it out, then turns around and spots Renée coming down the sidewalk. He bags the book and goes out to meet her.
At home, he takes it out of his backpack. The plastic film on it - it did have some, right? Just like every other library book? - is gone. Maybe it didn't have any. He didn't write it down; he's not sure. It doesn't look like a library book now. But it still says So You Want To Be A Wizard and he still wants to pretend to be a wizard for a bit, kill some time, put off U.S. History homework. He flips it open. He reads.
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lifes_sake
lifes_sake
Okay. This is not an intelligent muffin, apparently, it's just a muffin that has a voice interface. Maybe he'll eat it after all.
"I'm gonna bite you," he tells it, in case this prompts some sort of more sophisticated or emotional response.
"I'm gonna bite you," he tells it, in case this prompts some sort of more sophisticated or emotional response.
This prompts no response whatsoever.
lifes_sake
He nibbles delicately on the edge of the muffin top, and listens.
Nope.
The muffin continues to express no opinions about its impending digestion.
lifes_sake
Okay then. Om nom nom. He's still going to have to talk to a goat; he'll tell Renée that he's experimenting with vegetarianism. She'll probably even experiment with vegetarianism too if he does. He's fourteen and no one will give him a hard time if it turns out not to last long should it be the case that the goats can do nothing beyond identify themselves as goats.
He very deliberately eats through their supply of goat cheese over the course of the next experimenting-with-vegetarianism day, then suggests a visit to Lori. Renée calls Lori, Lori's free, off they go.
Cam wanders into the backyard where the goats hang out during the day. There are three of them, and they have names - Millie and Betsy and Vivian - but he's not sure if they know that they have names, so he walks up to Vivian and says, "Hi, goat."
He very deliberately eats through their supply of goat cheese over the course of the next experimenting-with-vegetarianism day, then suggests a visit to Lori. Renée calls Lori, Lori's free, off they go.
Cam wanders into the backyard where the goats hang out during the day. There are three of them, and they have names - Millie and Betsy and Vivian - but he's not sure if they know that they have names, so he walks up to Vivian and says, "Hi, goat."
"Hi," says the goat. "Do you have food? I want food."
lifes_sake
"Not on me, sorry. How smart are you?" he asks. Because the answer is "smarter than a muffin" but there are probably *literally* rocks smarter than that muffin.
"Are you sure?" says the goat. "Are you really sure?" She attempts to investigate his claims of foodlessness.
"But I want food," says the goat. "I can eat this!" And she grabs for his sleeve.
lifes_sake
"Is Lori not feeding you enough?" asks Cam, moving his arm out of the way and stepping back.
"I get lots of food," says the goat. "I want to eat that!"
lifes_sake
"You can't have it, it's my sleeve," Cam says. "It doesn't belong to you. How would you like it if somebody ate you?"
Because that is the question, isn't it?
Because that is the question, isn't it?
"I don't want things to eat me," says the goat. "I want to eat things!"
lifes_sake
Okay, this goat is not smart. But it's capable of not wanting to be eaten.
"How about your milk, do you care if people take that away?"
"How about your milk, do you care if people take that away?"
"I like it when that happens!" says the goat. "I also like food."
lifes_sake
Okay. Goat, at least well-treated mostly-a-pet goat, does not object to being milked, may or may not suffer existential dread but doesn't want to be eaten, and is well and thoroughly obsessed with food.
He goes into the house and gets a treat for Vivian, and ones for the others too so he doesn't get mobbed on his way back out of the yard.
He goes into the house and gets a treat for Vivian, and ones for the others too so he doesn't get mobbed on his way back out of the yard.
The goats are very enthusiastic about their treats, but none of them exhibit what you'd call sophisticated cognition.
lifes_sake
Babies don't exhibit sophisticated cognition either, yet Cam would not eat one!
He goes right on "experimenting with vegetarianism".
Later, he addresses the tree in his backyard, on the theory that it will be evidence about other plants the way goats were evidence about other animals. "Hi, tree."
He goes right on "experimenting with vegetarianism".
Later, he addresses the tree in his backyard, on the theory that it will be evidence about other plants the way goats were evidence about other animals. "Hi, tree."
"Hi, human," says the tree.
lifes_sake
"How smart are plants?" he asks. "I'm concerned about my dietary habits."
(Nothing he's talked to so far has reacted badly to being talked to like it was smarter than it was, so he may as well start there.)
(Nothing he's talked to so far has reacted badly to being talked to like it was smarter than it was, so he may as well start there.)
"Depends on the plant," sniffs the tree.
lifes_sake
"Okay, so you're either smarter than a goat or my meter's off, and I've already decided the conversation I had with a goat sufficed to make me a vegetarian, can you give me a scale here? Dandelion goat oak tree...?"