"I love you, I love you so much, I'm sorry about all the months when we didn't get to say it, I'm going to say it a bunch now to make up for it."

"I love you, Lev, why would you think I didn't, I love you —" 

"I was paying you a bunch of money to pretend to love me! It was an easy mistake to make!"

He hugs Lev tighter. "Wasn't pretending. Was never pretending. The pretending to like people phase of my life was over the day I met you. I love you."

Oh that's. A feeling.

It's warm and fuzzy and soft and loved and it spreads through his entire body and it's familiar, he's felt it so much when he's around Sasha, but this time it doesn't have that sick little undercurrent of knowing that it's all pretend, because it's not and it never was.

"We should go to a bedroom," Lev says. "So we can have this conversation cuddling and naked."

"Yes! Yes we should. Although possibly sex should wait until I'm sober because I'm not great at good decisions right now. — to be clear calling you was the best decision I've made all week but I didn't know that when I did it." 

He wants to say something like "if you want to have sex I can keep you safe from bad decisions," but, well, uh. 

"I'm so glad you called me," Lev says, letting go of the hug and grabbing Sasha's hand. "I don't know what would have happened. I have been doing nothing but sleeping and playing this terrible iPhone game since you left."

He squeezes Lev's hand. "I'm here. And I'm probably going to fall asleep on you because I haven't been sleeping anywhere near enough but somehow I don't think you'll mind." 

He's missed Lev's bed. It didn't factor the list of things he missed really at all but just being in Lev's space is immensely calming. 

"We can go to sleep now," Lev says, concerned, "and talk about things in the morning when you're sober and less sleep-deprived."

"I love you." 

He might be unusually cuddly because he's missed Lev or this might just be how he is when he's had alcohol or it might be both, it's hard to tell. 

If it's just how Sasha is when he's had alcohol maybe he should get drunk more often!

"I love you too. Sleep or talking about things?"

"I just got back, I'm not going to fall asleep yet. Even though your bed is very good and has you in it." 

"Okay. I-- I should probably tell you why I freaked out."

He's listening. He squeezes Lev's hand. 

He closes his eyes. "I thought you didn't want to have sex with me and were only doing it for money. So I thought that maybe that would be... less bad? more okay?... if all we did was stuff that was focused on you and you didn't have to look at me or touch me. And then you were begging me to fuck you and. It was hot." His voice is full of self-hatred. "Because I thought you were begging me because I was paying you to and. And I kink on making people have sex they don't want. And I feel so godawful about it, because-- it was a shitty thing to do in the first place and even if you were enthusiastically consenting I promised not to do noncon stuff because it triggers you. I wouldn't have fucked you if you hadn't begged, but that doesn't make it better. And. It's okay and I understand if you don't want to date me knowing I did that, or have sex with me, or anything. I don't really understand why you would want to. I'm so so sorry. I fucked up."

He pauses before he answers. 

"I want to keep dating you. I love you. The thing that's a problem for me is saying no and not being listened to, not the abstract concept of sex I'm not that into; I'm not thrilled that you did that but I don't feel less safe around you than I did before. 

I like touching you. I like looking at you. I like the faces you make, I like the sounds you make, I am going to stop with this sentence because I'm making good decisions right now. I am again not thrilled that you had sex with me that you thought I didn't want but Lev, sex with you is better than any other sex I have ever had, because I love you. And leaving made us both miserable and I'm not doing it again." 

"I'm also not thrilled about this! It was several kinds of terrible decision! --I love you, the last thing I want to do is to hurt you in any way, I'm so sorry."

"The sex didn't hurt. It didn't, you didn't fuck me until I begged you to, that is more than enough consent. The only thing you did that hurt me was telling me to leave and that hurt you just as much." 

"...I think my impulse here is to keep beating myself up until you get angry at me and I think I'm not going to do that. I'm sorry, I was not making great decisions because I thought you had just fake-proposed-marriage to me, and I don't think I'll do it again because I am not going to spend six months being hopelessly in love with someone whom I think is pretending to be in love with me."

Sasha kisses him on the cheek, which probably will not lead to bad decisions. 

"I trust you. I do want to keep dating you. I assume that's why you didn't want me to say I love you?" 

Lev is going to show his new commitment to responsible sex-having by not letting Sasha make bad decisions! 

"Yeah, that was it."

"Well. I love you." 

"I have been in love with you since the first time you hugged me."

He thinks back to the day they'd met. 

"It took me more than ten minutes but it couldn't have been later than the second day." 

"We're either very desperate or have very good taste."