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Nov 27, 2020 12:58 PM
in which kelsey's brain continues to want to throw a sad spike at things and bard is very accommodating
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Sometimes I find it really hard to think about what the good thing to do would have been, and I find it easier to answer 'what would Jesus have done'.

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Pray really hard and pull off a miracle? 

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Yeah, almost definitely.

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Yeah. I thought about trying that. 

I guess - it would be better, if I had enough faith to try that and have it work. 

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When you met the other Maitimo he was - badly injured, right?

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I didn't actually talk to him. Ryan did. I guess.

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Nod.

 

He was captured, earlier in the war. I was in charge, after that. We wanted to rescue him. We couldn't think of a way to do it that wasn't hopeless. So - we didn't. For about fifty Earth years - much longer for him.

 

Then a friend of his arrived, and learned what'd happened. He was very angry at me, for not trying. He walked there with a harp. 

There was a miracle. He returned with my brother in his arms.

I was - kind of angry with God for that one, for a long time.

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I don't know if it would have worked.

Like - man, I wanna be someone who tries things that might not work, if they'd be better. I had this talk with Alex, after the nightmares stuff happened, about how he thought he would've killed Billy and it was better that I talked to him? And I said I was scared that someday there'd be a really awful thing that only I could do, but that had to be done, and what if I couldn't do it?

But I did. And it worked.

 

I just - I dunno anymore.

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I'm sorry. I hope you find something, eventually, that makes - sense, of it.

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Nod.

 

I guess I dunno how you end these things, if you can't - if it turns out you're not actually very sorry.

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I think the minimum necessary is - being sorry that you weren't able to see a good option and trusting that lots of evil looks like that and is still forgiven, and planning to open your heart to God showing you one, hopefully sometime soon.

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I'm sorry that I'm not smart enough to know what the right thing is. If I can see what the right thing would have been later, then I'll be sorry for the thing I did. But I'm not - I think to really be sorry for what I did I'd have to think that the thing that I actually did was something I shouldn't have done, and that I should have just prayed about it and asked for a miracle, and I think that in order to do that honestly I would have had to be willing to take no for an answer. To accept that whatever happened was what was supposed to happen, and it was okay, and that I ought to have been content with whatever I got.

And - I don't think I can honestly say that I want to have done that.

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I understand why you feel that way but I don't think it makes a valid confession.

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Yeah. I know.

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Sure. She can have hugs. She's mostly trying not to cry and she's not sure that hugs really help with that but she also doesn't really have enough presence of mind to object to most things.

 

I don't really wanna - be around people. She doesn't really have quite enough presence of mind to filter her thoughts quite right, and it is possible that it comes across that she mostly doesn't want to be around any of these people in particular.

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That makes sense. We have a place in Canada, you could - roam the wilderness and not see anybody?

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I guess.

 

Mostly really wanna change my name and move to Alabama and then Chicago and then enough other places until nobody knows where I am and nobody can find me. But I think probably I am not allowed to do this. And that even if I was you'd probably keep track of me anyway.

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There's lots of - groups with interests in finding you. But if it's what you need -

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She spends a while starting to make words and not actually managing to make any words.

 

Don't want people to - see me.

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Okay. That's okay.

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Oh.

She stands up and heads for the door.

"I'm gonna go find Zeke."

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...honestly she kind of expected someone to object to this plan, but if nobody's going to then that's fine. Easier this way. She doesn't have to have a fight with anyone.

She should probably have grabbed some of her stuff first, but if she goes to get it she might not be able to leave as cleanly, so she decides she's just gonna go. Who needs stuff. 

 

The streets are still full of halloween costume characters. She gives them all a wide berth. Takes a weird, windy way to Zeke's crypt. Sort of waits to see whether Alex is gonna say anything to her.

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Michael says you need to be alone.

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