Snuggle.  Extract.  Hup.  Where's the bird there's the bird, what's it thinking.  Briefly.

"- where are you going? Do you need line of sight?" Haru asks, sitting up on the air mattress.

f̶̢̹̣͓̬̝̞̿͐̾͂̔̕͘̚l̶̢̺̰̺̤̘̜͈̿͆̚y̷̫̅͑̃̄̚͠ ̸̨͙̪̆̇̓̑̀g̸̢̝͍̖̐͆̾͂̑̏͒ớ̶̳̥̦̣̪̤́͝ͅ ̴̛͙͈̼̖̄͒̐̕͝p̷̨̮͂̓̇̄͌̋̍ļ̵͓̟̙̺͓̠̪̽̃͂̃ȁ̵̡͚̪̲͖͈̩̻č̴̦̹͉̳̪͓̃͂̃̀͌̇ͅę̶͎͉̘̤̜̪͒̎͛̿̃ ̶̰̙͛̇̐̒͋͌͠g̶̥̦̪̩͉͂̀̆̌͌e̵̍̊̈́̂͒̔͘͜͠t̷͉͕͙̼̭̪̾̈́̋͜͝ ̵̬̺̰̩̫́͑̑͂̈́͑͐͘d̸̖̍̒ṟ̸̩̥̮̥̄̎̿̏̆̋͒̚i̸͔̬͔̥̹̞͑̑̾̔͜n̷̨̜͖̰̩̪̣̾͑͜k̷̻̱̙̦̮̾̈͆͌͌̇̆?̵̡̛͕̟̯̩̰͇̭́̎̈́͠?̴͕͕̦͈̟͋͒͛ͅ
̶̤̀̀̄̉̿̈́̋̈
̶̻̟̟͖̓̾̒͋͘͘?̸͈̦̝̼͇̇̄͆̽̃͝?̷̡̯̘̼̖̭͈͛̆̆͛ ̶̡̝̰̲͇̤̑̀o̶̮̼̊̽͆́̇͘͝ͅb̶͈̲̹͔̼͌͛́̅̃͋͠ş̷̩̱̰̩̹̺̇̐̒͘͜ţ̵̩͙͙̈́̏̇̆̎ą̶̼̭͓͙̖̮͑̾̓̕͝ç̵̡͔̞͚̦͊̀̋̃l̴͇̱̩̬̩̣̻͐͋̑̾̅̑̚͠e̶̠̲̠̔́̿̅͑̕?̷̭͖͎͓̟̭͇̬̈͌̃͒̚͝

"...I didn't want to miss.  Just in case."  Snuggle return.  "I don't think it's still hurting."

"That's good." Snuggle snuggle pet. "I hope it survives the dungeon dying. Do you want to read the dungeon itself any more or are you done?"

"I really want to try tapping the core if I can get low enough fast enough.  .....I just had an idea for guiding but it might be crazy so I'm going to wait to say it until later.  Anyways, I don't know if I'll be able to handle it if it seems - curious, and able to learn and stuff, from the tapping, and then they still want to kill it."

"If it's crazy we can simply not do it? But - yeah, that seems like it'd suck, but I don't know if we will ever get ahold of a dungeon core to tap which isn't on death row."

"Hnn," cling.  ".....I was going to say you could bite me."

"Teeth do not in and of themselves conduct guiding, it'd all go through the saliva so it'd be basically like a less effective form of licking you."

"Okay.  Do you think I'm weird and a freak open parenthesis derogatory close now?  Parenthesis, close parenthesis, I meant."

"No. Julien, I was already running an esper blog the time that Reddit thread about how drinking urine is the most efficient form of guiding went viral, I can cope with the concept of nibbling on a cute boy even if it wouldn't be very useful."

"I just - already feel really bad, and it feels - less disrespectful than kissing.  To the situation.  And less weird than licking."

"Sorry. I'm not sure I have the - intuitions about disrespect to the situation that you do, but, uh, whatever you settle on there. I mean, if you want me to bite you it wouldn't be nothing but it wouldn't add a lot to the hug."

"I think, like, it's correct for me to be some amount of miserable about this, but ideally in a sane way... and kissing is too fun for that... but like, in a way where I don't think I'd find it fun right now."  Pet pet Haru.  "And biting is - sometimes fun, but also not so traditionally a fun activity... and it's like, grounding.  And maybe kind of self-harmy in a way that feels - correct.  In light of all the dungeons everywhere maybe being in pain, even though they also cause other people pain...."

"Not... thrilled about being your instrument of self-harm."

"I didn't think you would be, which is why I didn't think I should say it."  And now Haru thinks he's an awwwwwful person who wants to drag other people with him into spirals of destruction.  "But we can simply not?  Right?"

"Yeah, we can simply not. If you're into being bitten we can save it for some other time. I... find it really useful as an esper to cultivate the tendency to thrive on emotional whiplash. It comes up a lot even if you're not doing cutting edge dungeon mindreading, combat intercut with rescues marinated in backlash spliced with logistics and capped off with guiding. It's important to me to have all the appropriate feelings but not important to me that I have them in - long stretches with high inertia."

"...That seems really useful, yeah."

"Yeah. Not necessarily something you can figure out right here right now of course."

"I can try, though."  He brings Haru's hand to his mouth and kisses the knuckles.

"Mmm - if you want advice on how I do it I can produce that but I don't know how it generalizes -"

"I would like to hear it."

"Sometimes I kind of think of my life as though it were a movie - like a documentary, not like a thriller, but in a documentary you want to cover what there is to cover and get the footage when you can, and it would kind of suck as a documentary about what's going on in my life if the breather scenes and the sex scenes and the exposition are all bogged down in leftover musical cues from the downer beats or if somebody being pulled out of a dungeon and safely restored to their family couldn't be a triumphant moment just because someone else got bitten in half by a monster ten minutes ago. Videographer-me can arrange it in a more sensible timeline later, in the moment I need to be doing what I am doing and not what I was doing."

"...I will think about this."

The thing is that Haru's right, he's really right, and Julien - wants to be able to do things.  The most things.  There's an archetype, right, of like, crazy vegans and people who think trees have souls or are really really worried about bugs, who - are sometimes just correct about things, depending on the category, but what matters is that they feel the presence of a horror at a scale beyond comprehension, one that humans are complicit in, and then when they try to talk to other people about it, they do it accusatorially.  And then everyone hates them.  And then they can't get anything done.  (He pets Haru.)  Because their conviction turns into self-righteousness and they can't compromise on that enough to care about the results.

Julien really, really cares about the results, here.

So - he knew already that he didn't want to be miserable forever and fail to do any things.  It just seemed appropriate, the first time he encountered proof that dungeons are more like animals or maybe even people than trees, to take a good, he doesn't know, maybe sixteen-to-fifty hours to mourn about it.  But he has a chance to set a course, here.  This is the starting point, and while he could probably correct onto a better trajectory next time even if he blunders today, he doesn't have to blunder today on purpose just because it would make him feel better by feeling worse. 

(A reminder from last week shifts into focus - there's value, sure, in commiserating with someone, of sitting next to them and feeling their pain, in grieving - but you don't get to torture someone just because they're you.  And sitting and grieving is for things that have already happened, not for things you can do something about.  Otherwise it's just laziness.)  (....Kind of.  It also isn't good to fall into the trap of beating himself up for feeling bad while being mind controlled to feel bad.  But he's trying to motivate himself, here, and he'll take his boosts from frame-switching where he can get them and sort out the rest later if he needs to.)

Okay.  Cool.  He already wanted for this part to be over with as soon as possible; it was just that the situation felt too oppressive for him to do what needs to be done, which is to make out with Haru.  Everything is - still wildly not okay, but he can pretend.  This dungeon is already dead, its fate is already sealed, and the only question is what can he learn from it.  The less he learns from each dungeon the more dungeons he'll need in order to know enough to maybe save them all.  (That's such grandiose thinking - he's not going to be able to, he's just going to be burdened with the knowledge of their suffering without being able to do anything about it - but - anything that he can accomplish, this logic still applies to.  Hup.)