"...Though."

"I'd want more - control."

"And we haven't found a method that gives us - gives me that yet."

Hugs.

"That might be part of it. I mean, this is all necromancy, and if none of the original cavaliers were necromancers, then- If we can give you necromancy, then maybe the process will be more even, I don't know, feed you part of my soul somehow."

...She shouldn't get too attached to the thought, just in case it doesn't work out, because if so then she might get mad at Ellyn again like when they were kids and she was jealous. 

"...I..."

It's so hard though, even harder than trying to model what will or won't upset Ellyn.

"...I really want necromancy."

"I know." Pet pet. "I want you to get what you want."

Has Ellyn considered that it's incredibly confusing when she says stuff like that because demonstrably she doesn't want everything Gideon wants, or even automatically approve of Gideon wanting everything Gideon wants (and also when Gideon used to ask Aiglamene stuff like how Gideon's supposed to know other people don't like the things she does, Aiglamene would say it was backtalk and punish her as if the answer was supposed to be obvious, and Ortus also acted really weird when Gideon asked him how he knows other people actually exist and just quoted some poetry at her like that explained anything, and she has given up trying to figure this out but it's still so frustrating, and she's been trying to make lists of Things Ellyn Prefers but it's really hard sometimes). 

Gideon doesn't say anything, though, just leans into Ellyn, only a little grouchily.

"I love you."

"...Love you, too."

She still doesn't get it (any of it), but. 

Ellyn sinks into Transference, winding the fingers of her mind through Gideon's.

Gideon is unhappy that she upset Ellyn and CONFUSED about why Ellyn was upset because it did not track with any models Gideon has of what things upset Ellyn (she'd assumed death was bad because you stop having experiences but demonstrably you don't actually so it isn't bad, and someone else dying is bad because you don't get to interact with them anymore but Ellyn was LITERALLY in her head and was! Putting Gideon right back! Gideon didn't even go that far! Also in a hypothetical where Gideon had necromancy instead under the further hypothetical that she'd be putting her right back she'd get off on killing Ellyn OOPS DIDN'T MEAN TO THINK THAT OUT LOUD), also Gideon likes to experience things and do things and take risks and she's not sure why "have necromancy" is a different kind of want that Ellyn wants her to have than "do stupid things in pursuit of new experiences" which Ellyn demonstrably does not like it when Gideon wants that, maybe except for how there's no substitute for necromancy and she can get new experiences other ways that don't make Ellyn nervous usually, though some experiences are really interesting. And she likes being held and tethered but she doesn't like needing a tether - the River was interesting and she wants to be able to just jaunt in and out of it whenever she feels like it, and that's probably some kind of mental stand in for something else she can't have but she doesn't really understand her brain that well either. 

And she's really usually good at faking being a person who can do persony things like hold a conversation without making Weird Comments or figure out how to predict other people even when it's really hard or control her emotions, but right now she's tired and upset and not really in the mood to pretend. (She likes Tamerlane, she doesn't think Tamerlane is good at being a person either, and it's really easy to just not try to be a person that hard around her - and her mom being a planet feels right, like it explains why Gideon's never been good at being a person, maybe she wasn't supposed to be in the first place.) But being around Ellyn makes Gideon feel like a person and also makes Gideon want to be a person so her brain currently wants two things that are the exact opposite of each other which is just great (sarcasm). 

Also she suspects she might be less upset after a nap and a snack which is embarrassing and making her more Grouchy.

"You're fine, sweetheart. You didn't do anything wrong."

"But I'm hungry," Ellyn announces. "Let's get something to eat." And once that's achieved, Ellyn will coax them into a cozy nest for a short nap.

She doesn't wanna.

Gideon will, in fact, eat and drink once things are actually put in front of her, and she snuggles in with Ellyn once her belly is full, burying her face in her girlfriend's chest to sleep. 

Great.

Now she can think about how to explain why she's upset about Gideon dying.

Ellyn was really hoping to go the next myriad without having to do this.

Gideon seems in a better mood when she wakes up, at least, though she doesn't untangle herself from the snuggles at all. 

"Hey," Ellyn says, softly stroking Gideon's hair.

Nuzzle. "Hey."

"D'you remember the creche flu? Or not remember, I guess, but you know about it. Why it was only ever me and you and no one else younger than Ortus. It was less than a year after you showed up on the Ninth."

"I know about it - everyone seventeen and younger and one of the teachers got sick and died. There was bacteria in the vents. It was before you were born."

"It wasn't bacteria in the vents. It was nerve gas. My parents-"

"They needed an heir. A necromantic heir. My mother was having difficulty conceiving and carrying to term. So. They created a ritual to sacrifice all the other children for their own child. For me. They spent weeks calculating the volume of gas and the distribution, so that they would all die at the same time I was being conceived."

"Lachrimorta and Aisamorta were the ones who mixed it up. That's why they're blind, just that much exposure did that to them. And then they piped it into the creche and all the children died. Except for you. You were breathing the gas for ten minutes but you lived. That's why my parents were always afraid of you."

"And that's why-" Ellyn scrubs at her eyes angrily. "I thought I would be okay with it. The lab. Because I know," her voice breaks, "I know that's the kind of thing you're in to, and I could feel that you were in to it, but when I stabbed you and you went into the River and I was fixing your heart and holding onto your soul by the tips of my fingers all I could think about was that if I fucked up and lost you I would be the same as my parents. Killing you for me."

"They would have killed you before I could ever even have had you," she says, very quietly.

Hugs!!!

"You're not your parents," she says, intensely. "You're nothing like them. Ellyn - you care about me. You're not doing things just for calculation and advantage even though you could've done something else like adopt." Though also Gideon would one hundred percent kill two hundred kids for Ellyn and doesn't see the inherent problem with this trade; that's probably not helpful to say, though. "I wanted you to, and if it was a bad idea then that's my fault for being stupid and reckless, not your fault for listening to me."

"And even if they'd killed me - I'd have clawed my way back. I would've found you." (Maybe she did; maybe that's why she's always felt like it's weird but also fascinating to be alive; maybe that's why death isn't scary.) "I'll always return to you. Even if you'd dropped me - I would've come back."

"I was so scared of dropping you."

Tight squeeze! 

"I'm never going to leave you, not forever."