"I mean, that's - all of a piece, right, me not acting like a bank teller takes the form of having preferences, I have those when I'm backlashed, and - I do have a less functional filter when I'm backlashed but I'm usually verbally nimble enough to say 'unrelatedly to any questions of friendship, when I am backlashed I benefit from eye contact' instead of whatever it was I actually said which I also don't perfectly remember."

Jaeha looks away in embarrassment, remembers that he oughtn't do that while Haru is backlashed, then remembers that Haru isn't backlashed and that this surreal conversation is happening while both of them are at zero.

"I," he swallows, "I see." With every word he speaks he makes it less of a good idea to be friends with him but also he thought he was already near bedrock so he is just, just, he has no idea.

"...are there any other things that may have been happening not-out-loud that I should be aware of?"

How the fuck should he know.

"I don't know." It's not like he's tracking whether something was communicated with words or with their conspicuous lack, those are both communicative acts! "But this, uh, the previous topic, I mean the current one just before, I mean—I still don't—I am going to make up something that wasn't said so can you spell it out for me."

"...okay. Laying it all out neatly -

"At the risk of sounding like a bank teller, I have no wish to impose either of friendship or the facsimile thereof where they're not wanted, so if you decided yesterday that actually it was a bad idea and you'd rather have a purely professional relationship with me, that is fine, well within the range of what I signed up for, and not going to have repercussions for you.

"I have responsibilities to the various authorities and members of the public which are not up for negotiation and imply certain constraints on both of your behavior and how rigorously I have to see to it that your behavior's within parameters. Insofar as I am meeting those responsibilities, though, I'm not attached to any particular style of talking about it or not doing so.

"For practical purposes I'm going to be here a lot, and also accompanying you in dungeons later, and I will wind up talking to you. That seems like it'll be less stressful and more pleasant if we can manage a friendly rapport. I don't, like, value stress and unpleasantness, for anyone, ever, least of all myself, and I do think I'm competent to navigate the inherent tension in the friendship-and-parole-supervisor dual relationship, if you'd like me to try."

Is he about to sound like a whiny, clingy teenager. Can he not hold onto the tiniest shreds of dignity. Is there even a point in trying.

"I'd like you to try if you'd like to try, and I would not like you to try if you would not like to try," he says, hoping that—comes off as less whiny as he's feeling, while communicating the problem he's still having with the entire concept. "—but thank you for that. That was good."

Thumbs up. "Factors seem to be pointing in the pro-trying direction to me, just to be clear and out-loud about that."

What factors. What factors could possibly be pointing in the pro-trying direction. How can he say that in a non-whiny fashion.

"I—will take you at your word for it but I don't understand it." He wouldn't want to be his friend. And he just cannot deal with how pathetic and embarrassing he's being. And he is apparently constitutionally incapable of stopping because, because, because he just doesn't have anyone else, does he.

And he doesn't want to be alone, after all.

"...because the alternative is stressful and unpleasant and you're interesting to talk to?"

In what WORLD. What is he TALKING about. Do they live in PARALLEL REALITIES. "Oh. Okay." He's been nothing but unpleasant and immature and unstable throughout their acquaintance, not to mention prickly and prissy about food for no reason, and he's only talked about himself and his feelings, and also he is Haru's charge, why would Haru want this, why why why why why, it makes no sense, aaarghhhhhhhh!

"You don't look convinced."

"...I just feel like I've been nothing but unpleasant for the entirety of our acquaintance, is all," because now he's just saying things apparently.

"Off and on, not the entirety! And interestingly."

"I actually, genuinely appreciate that." It's just so much more believable than if Haru had said something patently false like "oh you haven't been unpleasant" or some shit.

"Oh good."

Okay.

Okay.

He doesn't know what just happened. He feels like "this feels like a dream" is the wrong way to describe because, like, it does, but in the way that some kinds of lucid dreams are, where everything is wrong and off-center and unreal but you're still not awake enough to remember what reality is meant to be like instead and so you're just left kind of confused and upset and certain that there's something you're missing but you don't know what and you don't know how you'd even go about finding out.

Okay.

"Something wrong?"

"The horrors, probably. Nothing actionable. I think. I'm not particularly reading you as saying or conspicuously not saying anything, either, to be clear."

"Great, I love it when I'm not unbeknownst to myself saying or conspicuously not saying things."

"...sorry."

"That wasn't a dig, I was aiming at like, gentle ribbing."

"Press 'X' to doubt. If you'll forgive my making references to twenty-year-old memes."

"I don't know that one but presumably if you de-Darmok it - speaking of old memes - it means you find this a dubious statement? The attitude I hold and endorse holding about the, like, what shall we call it, subtext flareup, is that it's a little silly, certainly not radioactive, and we have all survived and if it happens again that will also probably turn out fine."

"This is kind of what I meant when I said you're pretty cool." Because he definitely is in fact just fucking saying things now, is why. He's cottoned onto the pattern, though: right after a conversation that feels stressful and scary he just says everything that's on his mind with no filter, then he remembers himself before the next conversation and everything can go back to normal once more when that happens.

Also he needs to simp less. It's pathetic.

"Thanks!"