Telumë has definitely noticed it at this point! 

It's - hard - because it seems like at some point in the last decade, almost without noticing it, he's drifted back into, well, mostly not thinking about sex very much. Earlier on that was deliberate, it was obvious that wanting something he couldn't safely have was only getting in the way of his goals and making things more complicated, and then maybe it just became his default way of being again, falling back on centuries of habit, he's not sure. He loves Maitimo, a lot, it's not like he ever stopped missing him, and - it is starting to seem as time passes like it might be safe again now, and that's definitely the goal, right, just...

Probably they should talk about it or something. For their next planned date he suggests they go sit out in a particular spot in a garden near the water, obviously they can have private conversations anywhere with osanwë but it still feels right to have a corner to themselves for this conversation. 

That sounds good. The garden is lovely and the water is lovely and Telumë is lovely and it's super weird that 'not caring about sex' is a mental move Telumë can make, it is extremely not a mental move Maitimo can make, he tried for several centuries.

Telumë shifts closer and leans his head on Maitimo's shoulder. Touching him is very good, again, but he thinks mostly in the way it was before they were actually in a relationship, not that he still has those memories from his own side but he has notes on it.

I think it is probably easier when one is repeatedly starting over in a new body and - expecting it to have habits and traits that are not actually 'you'. It just seemed like an annoying distraction for a very long time. It does seem like there were some lifetimes where I had more casual relationships, I found notes on it when I looked, but...I must have decided eventually it was not worth it. Shrug. That was then. This is obviously different, just, I - think on some level I must be afraid that wanting it will only cause me to make insane decisions again. 

That makes a lot of sense. 

I am tempted to say we could try practicing - starting and then stopping before we do much of anything - to establish that there's that nice feeling of being out of control but there's not, actually, a loss of control...but if we are going to do that for a long time I want Findekáno here probably because I've done it before and it's amazingly distracting.

That makes sense. Telumë is quiet for a while, thinking. I really miss falling asleep with you holding me. I had one particular memory of that, from before. He thinks it's probably from not very long after Angband although the actual memory-fragments he kept didn't come that well ordered. 

I would enjoy that.

We could...just talk about doing things, maybe, without actually doing them yet? Probably we ought not talk about things that would be a bad idea to do, but - you could tell me what you miss doing, if you want, and maybe if I can grab onto the memories of it better it will start to seem good again. 

Okay.

I miss it when you'd touch my hair. I spent so many years feeling badly about how you clearly did not understand the Quendi thing about hair and then you got to touch it and then you understood and it was very satisfying.

I really did not understand the hair thing! ...I have a memory of you doing my hair in a very elaborate braid for some reason and being very smug about it? Did that really happen? 

- yes, it did! I don't think I even explained myself at the time - 

- I did it saying that you were of the House of Curufinwë Fëanáro - complicated emotions there but he brushes them aside - that you were mine -

I want to be yours. His own emotions there aren't uncomplicated, exactly, but it's the truth. I missed - that - I missed it very much.

You are mine. You don't - have to let me touch you, to be mine, if that's still not really where you're at.

I mean, I am literally marriage bonded to you. 

...Huh. This might be the first time he's remembered that fact, held it in his mind, and pretty much only felt happiness about it. Which in itself feels sort of sad and unfair, like it should have happened in circumstances where it could've been a happy event from the very beginning, but he's rehashed the past enough already and it's not going to change. 

I wish I'd gotten out alive, somehow, and been there for you when you came back to life, and we'd discovered it - maybe still by accident - together, fighting for the same side, and had some awkward conversations with the Quendi research teams I was helping you coordinate, and had a party after the war. 

But - the pieces of that which will matter in a thousand years - did happen. We won. And we're married.

Do you want to have a party at some point? To his own surprise, it feels like something he would like. I suppose if we do, we ought to wait until all of your family are back. 

And until they have decided whether to forgive me. But at that point - yes, I would.

Mmm. 

Telumë is noticing that he feels a little like he owes it to Maitimo to be okay with Maitimo touching him, that he's wronged him enough and that it's really only fair for Maitimo to get to have sex with his own husband at this point, but - probably that isn't a healthy way to be thinking about it. 

Well, it's not what I want. Even in the world where he won, he hadn't been planning to settle for that. 

That makes sense. If the thing Maitimo wants is for Telumë to actually just want it too, that's - harder - he can't really at this point choose which emotions to have the way he can just choose what actions to take, but it does seem like a far better eventual state. It seems likely he'll get there naturally, at some point, he already wants to see Maitimo and show off his city to him and watch sunsets together and cuddle him, and -

I think I would like it if you kissed me. It doesn't have to be now, but an advantage of kissing in a place where someone else might wander in is that they can't really take it any further, which makes it feel safer. 

I will keep that in mind, he says, and takes his hand, and doesn't kiss him just yet. 

I love you. The sun is going to set soon; the sunsets are very pretty here, all the colours sparkling off the ice in the water. Do you remember when we watched the first sunset in Arda? 

Vividly. It was so beautiful. You were so happy. It seemed like - you were starting to find yourself again.

I was watching you see something for the first time - I was happy because you were. 

Overwheming sadness about the exile from Arda, which he mostly tries not to let bleed through too much, it's off-topic -

I don't know if the Valar would have thought of it if not for contact with Velgarth. But it's such a good idea, the sunset.

Telumë senses some of the sadness - feels a little bad for bringing up that topic - but it's going to be hard to avoid, so much of their past together was in Arda. He squeezes Maitimo's hand. We saw a mountain sunset in Velgarth, right? I only really remember the part with the stars, watching through your eyes...