"He doesn't say anything about it for a reason, do you think you've found the one devout Catholic in the world who doesn't think what we do is disgusting--"

Mordred flinches.

Lev is so relieved to have found what pisses Mordred off and braces himself and waits.

Nothing happens. Mordred is very silent and very still and very tense.

Like he's bracing to get hit. Like he's trying desperately not to let how hurt he is show. (Like he's ten years old again and someone is screaming and --)

Mordred's so close to breaking down and Lev is reaching out to try to grab whatever he can to hurt him to make it finally happen so he can stop being on edge, waiting--

"You like feeling like a good person so you write your articles and you rescue me and you're in love with someone who's nuts because it makes you feel all noble to get up on your white horse and save the victims when you haven't ever really suffered at all--"

"My father murdered my brother and almost killed Agravaine too," Mordred says without thinking, his eyes are still closed and he's still so tense, all he can see is Gaheris with a bloody mess instead of the back of his skull and he reaches out for whatever he can think of to say that will make Lev shut up, "and I'm probably going to die fighting the cult you were part of but you don't care about that, do you, as long as your child-torturer boyfriend has books you can read and you can pretend you don't notice it doesn't matter who gets hurt --"

Lev should be frightened but he's so relieved, it's finally happening and he's going to know--

"It's almost funny," it is not funny at all, everything is screaming not safe too much for him to be visibly shaking but his voice is very fast and very high and just barely steady, "you say I don't really care because I left but you can ignore anything if you've got someone to talk about how beautiful it is with, I bet Echavarria could have put the knife in your hand directly and you would still have told yourself you could never have known, is turning a blind eye to murder the measure of caring to you? If I'd pretended not to see my brother's brains on the counter would you say I cared enough--"

And then he stops because he can't breathe can't speak can't think

Lev thinks that for the rest of his life whenever he closes eyes he is going to see Mordred's face in this moment.

Mordred-- isn't moving to hit him, he notices, kind of distantly. That's not very safe, Samson didn't often hit because instead he got clever and Mordred is very very clever.

He thinks that he would probably deserve it, whatever it is.

"Mordred, I--" and he doesn't know how to finish the sentence.

Mordred's hands aren't working and neither are his knees and he gropes blindly behind him because if he doesn't find something to lean on he's going to collapse. Finds the counter. It's cold and (a mess of blood and shards of bone and Gaheris's unfocused eyes) solid and at some point in the last few seconds he started sobbing and didn't notice.

He doesn't react to Lev. Doesn't really seem to have heard him.

"I'm sorry," he says, and he shouldn't because he wants to know how bad it can be and if you apologize they'll hurt you less but he can't stop looking at Mordred's face. It feels like the crunch of a bone breaking except it's somewhere in the pit of his stomach.

It feels like desperately stabbing someone to get away get away get away and watching their eyes get cold and learning exactly how much blood there is inside a person. 

"I'm sorry," he says again, and it feels meaningless, and he says, "I'll-- go."

Before he leaves Lev says over his shoulder "I'm-- not a good person."

Mordred barely hears him and certainly doesn't manage to string words together in response.

When he's alone he slides down to the floor and just -- stays there, until he's cried himself out, until he feels too tired and hollow to have any other feelings, and then stays there for a while longer as the sun goes down, staring forward at nothing in the fading light.

Oswald opens the door to find an unexpected Lev breaking down in the hall and his heart stops and of course he ushers Lev in.

Lev is going to cry on his shoulder for fifteen minutes without actually giving any hint of why.

He feels somewhat required to make sure this isn't an urgent horror but after that there's a certain point where trying to decipher other details is more trouble than it's worth. And it is not like he's never been a sobbing incoherent mess on top of lev

Lev barely manages to explain between sobs that the problem is mundane in nature.

And then once he can form English words he says "Um. If mordred's not paying for my food can you....... feed me."

"Of course." Oswald briefly pauses to do up the numbers in his head and then nods. "...can I ask what happened."

"Uh. I got mad because Mordred said that all he wanted was for me to be happy so I poked at all his weak spots until he got mad too and, um, told me some things he probably shouldn't have told me and then started crying and. Not just crying. You know."

".........you got that mad, huh. Somehow I can and can't picture it."

"So probably he is going to stop feeding me. Which is fine. You might want to leave me in New York."

"Well. That is. A lot. ...I might want to, um, talk to him first? Figure out -- if he -- We don't have to talk about that right now."

"Yeah. I. --I am scared I am going to hurt you too."

"In, in the same way? Or just, I don't know, more general than that... ...I don't actually know what you said to him..."

Lev says tonelessly, "I told him he was a rich boy slumming in order to feel good about himself and that Gale probably thinks he's disgusting."

"That does seem like it'd be upsetting. And -- like it might be -- possible enough to get him defensive. Uh, so then he -- no, if he shouldn't've told you you probably shouldn't tell me. ...Rich boy? Huh."