The book is making it emphatically clear that it was bad for Arazni to die, even worse than it is for normal people who get an afterlife to die, and that Iomedae is of course honored and it means she's very special but she is mourning her dead friend. She was at this point already fully in control of the Crusade (there is censorship-smell all over the descriptions of how she interacts with the Emperor and the important people in Oppara).

If she was already in command, making her the herald could be read as Aroden signalling she shouldn't be blamed and replaced over the loss of Arazni, but Tanya will sensibly not wade into seven-hundred-year-old political disputes.

...it's so weird to read about individuals being as important as entire armies. Tanya keeps catching herself thinking of 'the loss of the Arazni' as if she was a capital ship. The whole point of an army is for everyone to be a replaceable cog. Much more so than any other organization, because soldiers have a regrettable tendency to wear out or break and need replacement in the field. Armies will go to any lengths to avoid relying on a single point of failure. 

Arazni knew how to cast spells that were vital to the Crusade's success, she served with them for years, and she still couldn't train anyone else to do it. Not because she was Aroden's unique herald. She learned her spells through hard training and a lifetime of experience. But this world - or its gods - make it so you cannot teach others to follow in your footsteps, because it grants power as a function of needless risk. You can't build up an educational-vocational pipeline that will reliably produces archmages. You can't be smarter and stronger and better than the previous generation. The entire local paradigm of magic is a false lure, a distraction from developing technology which can be used by and for everyone. It can do some flashy things but it cannot become a true engine of prosperity, not on its own. It makes people chase 'toughness', but even the lone survivor standing on a mountaintop of corpses will never be strong enough to arm-wrestle steel machinery.

Tanya badly wants to share modern technology with them, what little she of it she can recover, but more importantly the idea of a technological civilization that builds ever upwards. Maybe that's an ideal that only someone who's lived through an age of rapid progress can really believe in.

But if she does that they are likely to use it to kill each other. So she can't. Not unless she studies Golarion for years and concludes to the best of her abilities that it is the best available course.

It's time to head back to Cuoco's office. (Of course if someone else is there before her that's fine; it's not like she made an appointment. When did she become so disorganized? Is she that used to having an adjutant? Tanya is going to start noting down the posted schedules of church services and people's office hours, if she can find any.)

Cuoco is available - doing sketches in the garden but available. Would Tanya rather take the conversation to the office? It's a nice day out.

...Tanya doesn't want to impose on her too much. She can keep to the less-sensitive topics she already (probably imprudently) allows herself to discuss with Belmarniss in public.

"Hi. I wanted to" - what did she want. Get a new insight, ideally, and so she obviously doesn't know what to ask about. Cuoco said she wanted to spend her time helping others, so Tanya will take her at her word and stop apologizing for intruding. "...to give you an update on what I've done since we talked, and hopefully to get your opinion and advice. We don't need privacy for this unless you want to hear more details about some things later."

"So, after talking to you Belmarniss and I went to see the Abadaran investment manager. ...I haven't told you about Belmarniss, have I? When I came here - in the magical accident - I appeared under Taldor, in a drow underground city. Belmarniss was the first person I met, and in retrospect I was very very lucky it was her and not someone else. She gave me help and advice, and without her I would probably have ended up being attacked and killing someone in self defense, or worse. She already wanted to leave for the surface, so we helped each other get here. She detects as Chaotic Good - did you know that the drow believe they are all judged Chaotic Evil no matter what because Pharasma hates them? Even Belmarniss thought so until we got here! I don't know what I can do about it but someone needs to do something! Belmarniss is an extremely impressive person and I knew that long before I knew what Pharasma thought of her but - she's impressive despite the odds. They need help, even if it's patronizing of me to say so."

Cuoco's eyes go quite wide at this pronouncement. "That would be... a dangerous mission, to go tell them that it's possible, but it might be possible to scrape up volunteers... what do they speak, down there..."

"Some drow language. Belmarniss also speaks Taldane but she had to learn from books. And, uh, from slaves that drow raiders kidnapped from the surface. To be clear, most drow are at least as racist as - many people in Taldor, and will try to rob or enslave humans. Belmarniss told me to look scary all the time so strangers wouldn't attack me on sight. Nobody should go there who can't defend themselves, and a - cultural attache, as well as a translator - they don't have priests who channel positive, so an enclave of people who can make themselves safe will have an audience. They don't have trees so wood and paper are very expensive, but they do have spider silk and probably other things they could export, it would be easy for surfacers to trade with them. But it's not something I can ask of Belmarniss, because -" she's already doing so much "- I'm certain she has thought about it. She has plans to bring her family here, once she's more established, she doesn't as far as I know have plans to go back and preach, and I trust her to make the right call. I don't see what I can do, and I don't know what you can do either. I just thought - someone ought to know."

"I'd like to be introduced, if she might not have plans to do this just because she wasn't sure priests would be available for the purpose."

"I'll let her know." Tanya doesn't want to make Belmarniss feel like she's shirking a duty to help her people, but she should at least let her know she told Cuoco about her.

"So we talked to the Abadarans. Under a promise of confidentiality, so I told them many more details about myself, where I'm from and what I can do. I can tell you too if you want, although we'd better go to your office for that, just in case. I'm not sure I should, because it likely won't help anything, and it might put you in danger if I start making waves later and someone hunts down everyone who knows about me. I have no idea how likely that second part would be. But I've already been seen talking to you. I'm haven't been - properly responsible about managing this risk to other people. I'm sorry about that, and I'll stop here if you want." That's what she actually came here to say! The thing with the drow was as almost big a surprise for Tanya as for Cuoco!

"I don't need to know anything about you that you don't think I need to know," Cuoco assures her. "It would be a very odd sort of attack that hunted down everyone who's been seen talking to you. I don't think you should live your life around that."

Cuoco might think otherwise if she knew about Tanya! Luckily, there's no pressing reason for her to know.

"Alright. So, we bought a report from the Abadarans about the different things I could do profitably and what they might invest in and so on, it'll be ready in a day or two. That is, I can try to introduce some technologies and inventions from my home which are not about warfare and are just useful, but any of them could have large and unpredictable effects. They said it might be worth a Commune to check in some cases, but there aren't many promising prospects." In fact there's only one, the anti-disease project with the Pharasmins. It might still work out, she'll wait and see what the Abadaran report says.

"And then we went to talk to the Iomedaeans, because you and the Abadarans both mentioned them. In their case because they thought the Iomedaeans would be good at directing me at Good projects. We talked to a Select Oliva, I don't know if you've met. He... honestly, he really surprised me. He didn't even want to hear what I could do!  For the Iomedaeans, or for Good - at one point I told him that if they were fighting a war that was definitely Good I could help them win it, and he said that they're deadlocked on several fronts for complicated reasons and won't, actually, benefit much from help fighting. I'm sure it's not a surprise to you, that because violence is usually bad there's already as much violence around as can be used for Good. But I hadn't really adjusted to the concept of - a war already ongoing, with I assume regular casualties, and not being able to use more force to end it." Sigh.

"He also said that he didn't want to use me in a way that would harm me even if it benefited the greater Good. It's clear enough why that's the Good approach, I'm not confused about that part. I just don't understand how a Good army can ever win when it comes to war and it follows these strictures and the other, non-Good side doesn't. In my home, the laws of war are international treaties because - the whole point is that both sides benefit from the shared restriction, agreeing not to use certain weapons or tactics, but if only one side restricts itself the side that doesn't will win because they are meaningful restrictions. Things that aren't expensive to give up don't need treaties to enforce them. I suppose it's not really important for me to understand, if I'm not going to be doing any fighting anyway, it just bothers me because I thought I understood how wars work."

"And he had a very good insight about me." It is incredibly impressive how some people can talk to a stranger for fifteen minutes and come up with a suggestion that helps them think better, like a brilliant strategist looking at a plan of battle and coming up with a novel angle of attack! "He said I was acting out of fear of Hell - which I obviously was - and that this clouded my judgement because it made me rush into things. So he suggested I go sit in a paladin's anti-fear aura, and after I'd done that for a few minutes it became clear he was right. When I heard about Hell, and that I was going to go there, I panicked. I'm trained to ignore fear and keep moving, but in this case I think it was maladaptive. I got stuck trying to think of short-term solutions because I subconsciously didn't want to commit to something that would take years, even if it was my best chance. I didn't want to spend those years panicking. That's why I kept insisting on doing something big that would have quick results, and banged my head against the wall because the results couldn't be guaranteed to be Good. Once I could think clearly, it was obvious that I should just do whatever would work best." 

"And the other thing I realized is - it sounds very silly, because now that I know it it seems like it should have been obvious all along. I always said - I believed - that I fought in a necessary, justified, defensive war. But that was a lie. Not about the war, but about myself. If I had been born on the other side of the border, I would have fought for the wrong side. That's the kind of person I am. I think that's what Select Oliva meant, when he said I had to do not just the right things but also for the right reasons. And... I decided I don't like that about myself, and to try to change. I needed the paladin's aura to realize that, because I was so fixated on being Good to avoid Hell that it seemed pointless to even consider any other reasons to do good. The threat of Hell was incentivizing right action, but not right thought. I hope I can - do a little more of the latter, now."

"I'm so glad the Select - and the paladin - were able to help you!" says Songbird Cuoco, who, if Tanya does not seem likely to object, considers this a hand-clasping sentiment to express.

Uh, alright? They can shake hands? Tanya doesn't understand what that means at this point in the conversation, but she isn't going to stop Cuoco.

That does not seem to be what Cuoco was expecting but she takes it gracefully.

O....kay? Tanya is really unsure how this is supposed to go and would like some help here? Was Cuoco going for something else...?

They can just put their hands back in their laps now, it's fine. "If you might want a commune to Shelyn, we send to Oppara about that; Songbird Tertius does them."

Oh good.

"How does one decide which god to do a Commune with? Not that I'm seriously expecting to need one soon, and if I did the god who'd care most about it would likely be Pharasma, but - are there other factors?"

"Usually you want one who you trust to be with you in whatever the matter is - you could Commune with Norgorber, god of crime, but you'd be trying to out-think a god about whether his answers were true or misdirections. And one who will be able to clearly see the situation in question. Abadar if you want to know if your scheme will probably make money, Shelyn would be less good at that - but she'd be better at knowing if it would be redemptive for you and for others."

Huh. "Would she be good at knowing if it was Good to do and not only specifically redemptive? If that's a different thing?"

"Better than Abadar... but maybe not as good as Iomedae."

"If it comes up I'll be sure to ask all the relevant priests before choosing a god. Well, I'd do that anyway, since it's so expensive." What else... "I started reading the Acts of Iomedae. Not sure I'm getting very much out of it, but Select Oliva said I should read them before the other two books he lent me. You have both been so accommodating... A day ago I'd have suspected it was because you knew I was a powerful - call it adventurer, it's the right reference class even though I don't want to do any typical adventuring - who might do a lot of Good if she could be converted to the cause. I know better now. ...I still don't understand how you can afford it, for everyone who walks in from the street, but maybe I don't need to yet." And when other people are prosocial, and cooperative, and build multinational organizations to promote those norms, Tanya should - must - reciprocate. 

"Select Oliva said I shouldn't commit to any cause before I determined to the best of my ability that it was really what I should be doing, even if it took years. That it took Iomedae years to do it, and I'm - much less local, than she was, and understand much less to begin with, so I can't make any promises. But I intend to be worthy of being called Good one day, if I live long enough. By the standards of people like you, not whatever Pharasma thinks. And not to run to a non-Evil afterlife the first chance I get."

Is this declaration of intent stupid and irrational? Being Good and dead is so much better than Good and alive! 

But suicide is forbidden. For that matter, so is killing a known Good person like a paladin, even though it is removing them (you) from terrible danger. The general rule is clearly that dying is allowed only if you are truly motivated by Good in seeking it. A soldier who jumps in front of a bullet to save another is a hero, not an evil monster - unless he happens to think 'lucky!' as he does it. Good is the way you'd want everyone to behave, and you wouldn't everyone Good to take the first opportunity for a worthy death. After all, someone must stay here to take care of the Tanyas of this world.

So Tanya resolves to be Good. For real, not just to get out of Hell, not only until she can jump ship for Heaven. For everyone, while anyone needs it. Until the day comes when she too refrains from self-defense to spare her assailant Hell, because that is truly what moves her.

"Everyone we successfully help makes the world around us that little bit more resilient. Everyone we fail to help teaches us something about how to try again next time. ...and, most people who walk in from the street have more ordinary problems. Our best marriage counselor isn't even empowered, more Splendid than Wise, and Shelyn never had to do more than let a robin land on her hand to get her started."

Why would you need a bird to land on you to start a counseling session Tanya successfully refrains from having any opinions about splendidly unwise marriage counseling with bird starters. She isn't even a laywoman for purposes of marriage or counseling (or birding); she can leave it to the experts and be sure it's in very good hands.

Was there anything else she needed to say? She told Cuoco what she'd been doing, about Belmarniss and the drow, about her newfound resolve - which Cuoco deserved to hear about - Tanya won't tell her the details of her background, she doesn't think it's worth the risk, might not even be worth weight on Cuoco's mind - what else? She chose the future she wants and renounced her past -

...that thought is very unpleasant to think. For some reason.

Tanya isn't sure anymore that she should just push past that. But she doesn't really know what else to do about it?

How about if she thinks the thought very hard, for lack of a better term. Maybe it'll resolve into something clearer.

I RENOUNCE MY PAST -

I RENOUNCE -

RENOUNCE -

how can I renounce them

they're still

still fighting