For some reason, Beka is in some kind of location. There's a voice, coming from somewhere.
"Welcome to the quiz show! Broadcasting to an audience of people you'll probably never meet, we're starting today with 'Which plant from my garden are you?' with questions by Twofeatheredarr. Let us know when you're ready for the first question."
Beka is used to dreams being weird, but usually they are weird in containing odd combinations of normal things, such as a balrog who speaks with her grandmother's voice, or a bowl of gravel that tastes like porridge.
"What?" she says, in case that helps.
"I'm going to ask you questions to determine what plant in someone's garden you're most similar to. Don't worry too much about it, it doesn't really matter."
"I can try to show you. There's a basil plant in a turtle pot, some parsley with green stems but pale brown leaves, yellow dahlias, and a pot that's supposed to have roses but they seemingly haven't sprouted yet."
(Author's note to future readers: If these links are dead, there might be new image links at the results page?)
"I don't know if it's going to say you're the dahlias but we can see. Shall I get started with the questions?"
"No."
"All right. Question 1: How are you doing currently?
A. Idk what happened. Everything was going great, now I'm barely even alive.
B. What day is it? Is anything real? When was the last time I showered?
C. I'm thriving! I'm doing projects, self care, getting a healthy amount of sleep, it's awesome!
D. I'm getting the hang of this 'new normal'. It was hard at first but now I have a routine,"
"Twofeatheredarr wanted to evaluate people without being personally present, so they made a system for turning answers into an evaluation. However, the system can only be so complicated, which is why you have to pick from prewritten answers. It'll probably be the case that none of them are perfectly accurate for you. Just pick whatever's closest and ask me clarifying questions as needed."
"I don't know what showering is or what it would mean to know what day it is, and I guess it's sure possible that nothing around me is real if I pissed somebody off and haven't gotten to the bad parts or don't remember them right now? So I guess that one."
"Okay. For context, showering is a kind of washing where water gets sprayed on you from above."
"Question 2: Pick a color.
A. Brown
B. RAINBOW
C. Blue
D. Red
E. Yellow
F. Green
G. Any earthtones"
"When there's a white light, like from the sun or fire so hot it's white, and it shines through water droplets, it shows a big range of colors. So in a context like this, 'rainbow' pretty much just means 'all the colors'."
"In lots of worlds, there's something in the sky that glows really brightly, and it appears to move around the world such that it rises and sets at predictable times."
"Weeeeeeird. Well, I want to be the dahlias and yellow is nice but maybe I want to pick rainbow anyway..."
"It doesn't really affect anything, though, right? I don't - get a dahlia if I get that answer."
"I might get you a dream of a dahlia either way but it'll be gone when you wake up. You don't get anything for real."
"Okay."
"Question 3: Pick a house.
A. A full size bouncy house that you can live in
B. A cute cottage
C. A small apartment, but in a great location
D. A farm house far away from 'civilization'"
"A bouncy house would be … like, do people you know ever play games that involve an inflatable ball? Like the entire house is made of big inflatable balls."
"Yeah, your location is just broadly not good, that's fair. If you were, say, a blacksmith somewhere else, a good location would be near where you worked, and other people you liked, and places to get food, and such. But the other imaginary houses probably also wouldn't be here."
"Let's say pretty small and no roommates. It has two rooms, one of which is a small room with a toilet and a sink and a shower, and the other one has room for a bed and some food preparation equipment but not a whole lot of stuff."
"If I'm not sharing it that's plenty. Do the people I like who are conveniently near it also get apartments?"
"Like, I haven't thought through this hypothetical all the way, but it would make sense for at least some of them to live near you, and given that, probably they'd be in apartments."
"Makes sense."
"Question 4: How well do you handle criticism?
A. Lol how well do YOU??
B. Nobody criticizes me, I'm too adorable,
C. I can handle a certain amount, but too much can overwhelm me,
D. I'm literally crying just thinking about it."
"People saying things like 'you did a terrible job on that project' or 'you have bad taste in tattoos' or such."
"It means you're deflecting the question by saying something like 'Haha, how well do you handle criticism?'."
"The person who wrote this. Normally people take these for themselves without an interpreter layer like me."
"Well I think they could stand to take a little criticism on putting in obvious answers like 'that thing you asked if I was good at it, I'm good at it'."
"Fair!"
"Question 5: Be honest, do you drink enough water?
A. Only if it's flavored.
B. Who are you? A doctor?
C. Yes, I'm a hydration queen.
D. I mean, I try sometimes...but I can't stick to it."
"...this one is confusing too. How much is enough? Who would be lying about whether they're thirsty? Flavored how? What is a doctor?"
"For humans, you have enough water when you're not thirsty or tired or dizzy or such for lack of water. The recommendations vary. I don't know how much is right for orfs. People would lie about it because a common cause would be forgetting to drink water despite having access to it, and that's embarrassing. Flavorings would be to make it taste better. A doctor in this context is a person whose job is to help people be healthier."
"Sometimes I wind up thirsty but like not when there's water I can just have right there, is that C or D?"
"'I can't imagine deciding to be thirsty' is I think the kind of statement that makes people call you a hydration queen. Anyway."
"Question 6: How tall are you?
A. I'm the perfect size a human should be.
B. If you say I'm "fun sized" I WILL murder you.
C. Average I guess?
D. I'm over six foot, tyvm."
"Uh, 'fun size' is a joking term for 'short' for various historic reasons, and 'tyvm' stands for 'thank you very much'."
"A kind of person, like elves and orcs and orfs. They're shorter than elves, I think, and I don't remember how tall orcs and orfs are."
"I don't know exactly how tall I am. And wouldn't murder somebody over calling me fun sized. I am taller than most orcs though."
"All right. I think the murder thing is supposed to be a joke, but you're also not short for your surrounding population, so it's still not the right answer for you."
"Question 7: Are you glad I actually didn't include any long quotes/lyrics?
A. I'm indifferent, honestly.
B. Thank God, I know absolutely nothing.
C. Actually I like those questions, I know most of them.
D. All kinds of questions are good and fun!"
"A lot of quizzes in the location I got this quiz from ask people to pick quotes from songs or poems or public figures, but often the quotes are hard to make much sense of or choose from if you don't know their source, and looking up the sources can be annoying."
"I probably would like those if I lived in my nice location apartment long enough but I wouldn't know them now. But I wouldn't thank God for them not being in the quiz, I don't really thank Eru for things. And you could've explained them, you're explaining a lot anyway. I guess I'm indifferent."
"All right."
"Huh, you actually got the yellow dahlia. Nice work. The quiz maker says 'You're stunning. Talented. Gorgeous. Absolutely made for greatness. How do you do it? Tell me your secrets.', but they're saying that to everyone who got that answer and the 'tell me your secrets' part is a joke because we can't actually tell them things."
"Here's some imaginary yellow dahlias, since you wanted them."
"All right. This next one is 'if you were an it girl, what would be your first scandal?' by DIORMOI. For context, I think it's reasonable to describe an 'it girl' as an attractive young woman with an interesting personality who's very socially successful, often as an actress or model or such. Uh, actress in entertainment, not hallucinations."
"I mean the kind of entertainment where there's only a few performers, and a big audience, and all the people in the audience are there because they spent resources to be there, not because it's useful for manipulating them."
"Uh. A scandal is when someone's alleged to have done something that makes lots of people in their society upset, or so?"
"Hmm. In your society, I don't know. Do people drink, would it be a big deal if a general was drunk when they were supposed to be ready to command? Or, like, if Thuringwethil was secretly worshipping Eru?"
"Maybe Melkor would think it was a big deal if she did that? I guess being drunk and doing a bad job as a general would be bad too - I've never been on campaign -"
"Do you think that's enough of a working definition that I should just go ahead with the questions?"
"Question 1: How do you like your friends?
A. I go off vibes.
B. I'm welcome to any and everyone! I'm a people person:)
C. The more common interests, the better.
D. I like people with influence, I'll climb whoever to reach my goals and dreams.
E. I like pretty people, if they're pretty, I approach them.
F. I'm shyyyy, so it's whoever talks to me firsttt."
"Sure, we can call that vibes. But, like, if you were mind-reading people to determine if they were important and easy to manipulate, that would be D."
"Question 2: the age preference you have for your partners?
A. Around my age
B. I date whoever can fund my lifestyle
C. It’s whatever
D. Even if someone is only 3 months older than me, I still wouldn't touch them with a 6 foot pole"
"They’re mostly older than me but not because I care about that particularly and there’s no answer for if it was! C I guess."
"Question 3: how do you prefer your lovers?
A. sweet and romantic
B. a little 'toxic' (yes I, the maker of this quiz, am side eyeing you)
C. with wealth and power"
"It literally means poisonous. In the case of people, it refers to a vague cluster of behaviors like insulting you or creating conflicts or not listening to things you say."
"What if they don't ask permission but I was totally angling for it because if I'm not getting hit enough somebody I don't pick'll take it on themselves to see I do?"
"Egad. Uh, I think that counts, here? Certainly it would count in the social context the quiz is from."
"There is not, you have to pick. Or, I mean. You don't have to, it's your dream. But if you don't pick we can't do much with that."
"Okay. We'll pick that one then."
"Question 4: choose a go-to rule for dating
A. get someone that is obsessed with you
B. follow the money!
C. go for who you truly love
D. the older the better"
"This one lets you pick that you prefer older people? So it's not that they never thought of that?? - should I know what money is?"
"Yeah, I can try to explain. But it's a lot, and I'm being a bit lazy, so I might make mistakes."
"In societies where the quiz writer is from, there's only one kind of person, and it's humans. Humans can't swear oaths. So nobody can be as powerful in a human society as Melkor is in Angband. So there are lots of interactions between humans in which they have things other people want, and other people have things they want, but nobody can just order the other person to give them the thing."
"When human societies are simple and small, they can resolve this by just trading things directly, or by owing each other favors, or such. But when there's lots of people, that gets pretty complicated. So people go 'Well, lots of people like having copper, and pieces of copper of the same weight are probably all similarly valuable. What if we used pieces of copper of the same weight to conduct exchanges? Then it will be less confusing, and even if I don't personally need copper for anything I'll probably be able to buy something from someone else with it later.'"
"This is a bit of a just-so story, I don't actually know what the introduction of money was like. The point is, money is a thing lots of people want that can be exchanged for stuff like food and apartments."
"The idea is that if you're dating them, you can potentially induce them to give you some or use it to get you things."
"Oh, okay.
"Am I answering for - if I was in the apartment in the nice location? Like are all these answers supposed to come together?"
"I don't really know. Like, if none of the options make sense for the real you, you should answer for the person in the nicely located apartment, but plenty of people the quiz is designed for are in poorly located apartments which also aren't luxurious."
"Well the answers are really different. I'd take A for just usual but C if I were in the nice apartment."
"Question 5: you've just been introduced to a person, that is a little more influential than you. you see that they’ve got a NASTY spirit and is just rude to everyone….what do you do?
A. I’d just mind my business bc I’m an anxious person
B. you are willing to jeopardize your career and expose them on social media
C. you don’t care because they aren’t trying it with you
D. call them out on the spot"
"But like I don't know what social media is. Or what the idea would be behind calling them out."
"Oh, right. The point of calling them out would be hoping that, even though they're a bit more influential than you, people might disapprove of their actions enough to compensate for their influence if you make a fuss. And social media is a very public means of communication but also one that takes time to access."
"Oh, this is another money question, so you'll probably need to imagine the you in an apartment again."
"Question 6: Regarding money…
A. I do any and everything to get the bags
B. can’t save it for the life of me
C. I don’t like working and I’m pretty, so I just get someone to buy me what I want"
"But in that context am I pretty? I don't know how pretty humans are. What kinds of work are there? I don't know if I like them or not."
"Let's say you are pretty. It would probably be not that difficult to get a job, say, washing dishes at a place where people eat, or cleaning floors, or putting goods other people might want to buy on shelves for them to look at, or such, but those wouldn't pay amazingly well. It would be harder to get a job, say, being a professional singer – a lot of people want to be professional singers and most of them fail – but it wouldn't be impossible."
"Okay."
"Question 7: I prefer my relationships to be:
A. plastered in every magazine
B. I don’t really care
C. private"
"Uh, magazines are places where people put information other people think might be interesting, and some people are interested in what relationships other people are in. Especially if those other people are, say, professional singers."
"Question 8: Are you one to gossip?
A. don’t really care for it
B. I live and breathe just to know everyone’s business
C. I would say no but my friends would say I’m lying"
"Well I read everybody's minds all the time but I don't usually tell everybody what I find?"
"I guess B is the closest to that, maybe? Especially if you'd also be interested in rumors about people whose minds you haven't read."
"That makes sense."
"Question 9: have you ever stolen before?
A. nope!
B. maybe?
C. yeah, and I’d do it again
D. yup but it was by accident!"
"Does it count if I borrow stuff without asking but then put it back before anybody notices?"
"Question 10: how many people have you dated?"
"The categories here are 0, 1 to 3, 4 to 6, 6 to 9, and 10 or more. And let's say 'dating' is you pursuing some kind of ongoing relationship involving sex or kissing or such."
"...gosh that's really hard to put a number to. I think it's probably more than ten most ways I could figure you'd apply that?"
"Okay. …wow, this next question is silly."
"The, uh, 'question' here is 'follow your gut'. The answers are:
A. 444
B. yes
C. girl, you’re doing too much just give me my results!
D. no
E. 111"
"If there is I don't know it. Actually, hmm. I don't know if you're hearing them in the same numeric base I use, so I will say that these are supposed to be numbers where all 3 digits are the same. That might have some aesthetic appeal?"
"All right! Now we have your results."
"According to the author, your first scandal would be that an audio clip of you shaming someone gets leaked. Specifically: your so called “friend” has leaked an audio clip of you talking your shit (as you should). you only know it's them because they're the only person you told, in confidence. Now you've got to lock your doors (private your accounts) because people are weirdos and deal with the b!tch that leaked it who's in your messages claiming to be there for you and that they're sorry that this has happened."
"Well, the quiz is primarily targeting people none of whom can read minds. …ooh, one of the scandal options people mostly don't get from the quiz is 'insider trading', when you use information from your job that you're supposed to keep secret to make money at the expense of your employer. You could plausibly be accused of that if you used your mind reading to make money and people didn't know you had it."
"I was getting stuff by being pretty unless I could be a singer. Do singers have this problem?"
"I haven't personally heard of singers having this problem but that doesn't mean it hasn't happened."
"'Having a secret relationship with the son of a billionaire', 'rich age gap boyfriend', 'your candy falling out your bag leaving a party', 'beef with a nepo baby', 'you date many people', 'walking out of a luxury store without paying', and 'you're just rude and mean'."
"I think 'candy' here is a euphemism for substances which are illegal but fun to ingest, and 'beef with a nepo baby' means 'conflict with the child of someone important who themselves rose on their parents' status'."
"A lot of people think you should only date one person at a time and you shouldn't switch partners too often either. Sometimes they even think that a woman is less 'valuable' if she's had sex with more people."
"I think at least some of it dates back to the thing where, when men and women got married, husbands wanted to be sure their wives' children were also their children, but they couldn't verify it unless they were sure their wives weren't having sex with other men."
"The impression I get from some parts of this list is that some people like to call lots of things scandals because it makes talking about them feel more exciting."
"If you want to do another one, we could try 'What kind of magic do you have?' by Valis? It's not trying to guess what powers you actually have, it's designed to help people without magic have fun imagining it."
"No. There's ice, healing, shadow manipulation, fire, summoning, time manipulation, lightning, regeneration, and cursed magic."
The dream entity makes some noise which sounds like someone clearing their throat.
"Cursed
Weapon: None
Object: Dark crown
Weakness: Unknown"
"Unfortunately, you have received cursed magic. This is the most powerful magic there is. The user who practices this kind of magic is cursed with insanity. It will make the user go completely mad with power and kill anything in their way. It causes nothing but mayhem and destruction for anything or anyone that is unlucky enough to come into contact with them. They're known as the dark emperor/empress. Cursed with not only insanity and infinite power. They are nearly immortal. There is a way to stop them, but right now it is unknown. It all started with a crown that you placed upon your head."
"Will you wear the crown or turn away from it?"
"I had a look at the questions for this quiz and they aren't full of pictures that it would be annoying to try to have you visualize, or questions about your date of birth in a calendar system you don't use, so it seemed like a reasonable choice to me."
"The opener is kind of silly."
"Welcome to the quiz. I hope you enjoy it. Shall we begin?
A. Let's
B. Begin"
"First, What is your favorite season?
A. Winter
B. Summer
C. Spring
D. Autumn."
"Seasons are a phenomenon on parts of the surface of many worlds where how much sun exposure they get varies. It ends up colder in the times with less sun and warmer in the times with more sun. It's coldest in winter, and hottest in summer, and spring is the winter-summer transition, while autumn is the summer-winter transition. And then the life on the surface reacts to that, which can also affect people's preferences."
"There are big plants that are leafless in winter, grow new leaves in spring, and then have their leaves turn different colors and fall off in autumn. There are animals that move between warmer and colder places based on the season so that they can always have their preferred temperature. Lots of plants flower in the spring. In the summer and autumn various edible plant parts are at their best."
"What Negative trait would you say you possess?
A. Manipulating
B. Vengeful
C. Short-Tempered
D. Selfish
E. Greedy
F. Stubbornness
G. Arrogant
H. Pretentious
I. Laziness"
"I think you can be selfish without wanting all that strongly to get more things, and greedy but with a bit of willingness to share things with people you like? Certainly the two aren't totally separate, though."
"Well, it might lead you to overreact. Like, if someone was going to sit somewhere with their friend, and their friend got the better seat, a vengeful person might be tempted to find some opportunity to deniably shove them in response."
"...oh that isn't what I was imagining at all. So I guess maybe I'll go with manipulative - or, uh, can I have an example of that too -"
"When someone asks you for information relevant to them making a decision, you carefully only give them information that you think will lead to them making the decision you want? It, uh, makes sense to do that a lot in Angband, probably, but the amount that probably makes sense here is probably too much in a lot of other places."
"I think Angband you, so if you do it a lot it might make sense to pick it here even if you probably shouldn't stop."
"What positive trait would you say you possess?
A. Loyal
B. Independent
C. Brave
D. Kind
E. Honest
F. Mature
G. Adventurous
H. Easygoing
I. Respectful"
"Let's just go with it for now. Next is another sun-related question."
"What time of day do you prefer?
A. Dawn
B. Morning
C. Afternoon
D. Dusk
E. Night"
"Dawn is when the sun starts rising, morning is shortly after it's risen, afternoon is when it's pretty bright, dusk is when it's setting, night is when you can't see it at all."
"...I... guess... that night is like what I'm used to... which might be good, or it might be the worst but I don't know what the others look like..."
"Huh. I guess it's interesting for the sky to be a different color and it would be fun to see for real but I'm gonna stick with night."
"Okay."
"It's the middle of the night and you decide to take a walk. While walking for a bit you find several paths to go down. Each path will determine your fate.
A. The cold and dark path that leads you into a dark and creepy forest that's filled with deadly beasts. Unless they see you, you will make it out alive.
B. The bright and warm path that leads you into an enchanted forest, that's filled with unknown monsters and creatures.
C. The dark and rocky path that leads you towards an old castle. You will most likely live if you go down this path.
D. The suspicious normal path, that does not guarantee that you will live or die.
E. The rainy and muddy path that will ensure you make it out alive."
"It references stories humans tell each other, and they're familiar with forests and paths and rain and mud."
"What kind of power would you like to have?
A. Something that's causes light yet is destructive
B. Something beautiful yet deadly and powerful
C. Something that allows me control time
D. Something that allows me to summon any kind of creature or weapon I desire at any given time
E. Something that lets me help the sick and injured
F. Something that causes pure destruction
G. Something that lets me blend into the shadows and control them
H. Something that will prevent me from dying
I. Something destructive and gives me infinite power. It'll cause everyone and anyone to fear me"
The human language has such funny grammar that even dream translation isn't smoothing it all out! "Isn't this kind of mapped onto the answers more than most of the questions?"
"There's really no point to the shadows one, shadows don't do anything... the destructive ones are kind of all pretty similar in how useful they'd be... help the sick and injured do what?"
"Oh. I think there's about enough of that going around," says Beka, who has seen incredibly comprehensive healing from otherwise unsurvivable damage used on the same victims over and over. "The time one sounds really good though!"
"Why would you want this power?
A. To make myself blend in and not be noticed. No one will ever suspect me to be the one in the wrong...if they can't see me. I'll get away with anything then.
B. To destroy what I want, to protect what I want, and to prove to others that I am the strongest
C. To turn back time, and change the past, present and future. Maybe even to stop time to make myself stop aging
D. To destroy anything that gets in my way.
E. To keep myself from dying
F. To get revenge on those who have wronged me and cause nothing but suffering and pain for them!
G. To protect those I love. I don't want to destroy or cause conflict. Only take care of the people I care about.
H. Only for power. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be powerful
I. To protect what I care about, and destroy those who harm those I love and myself"
"Huh. I don't love any of these answers. Should I pick one that means kind of a correct thing but makes it sound weird, or one that doesn't mean the right thing but has the right kind of attitude about it?"
"Well, I picked the time one for which power, but the time answer for this one, C, isn't like what I was thinking when I picked that. I was just imagining, like, I could sure go wherever I wanted and do whatever I wanted if everybody else were stuck in time and I wasn't. I definitely didn't have aging in mind since I don't even know what that is. But it makes it sound like it at least has the right idea that it can do lots of stuff and the stuff is useful and cool. And then option I sounds close to a list of what I'd be doing with this magic as, like, my main thing, but I would totally also use it for other things too if I had it."
"Which of these objects attracts you the most?
A. A sword made of ice
B. A sword made of fire
C. A pocket watch with an eye on the center
D. A spellbook
E. A dark crown
F. A dagger
G. A ring
H. An amulet
I. A scythe"
"Let's say yes. Oh, and I should explain – a scythe is a tool for harvesting some edible plants, but humans also use it as a symbol of death, because humans just die when they get old enough, so it could be compared to death 'harvesting' them."
"I think in human stories where people do song magic they usually just memorize all the songs, so probably not?"
"Oh. I mean, that'd be how you'd cast them, but you could learn them out of a book... What is in there then?"
"There's probably complicated diagrams you can draw on the ground or trace in the air to do things?"
"All we have left now are silly questions. The first one is 'choose your fate' and it's just the word 'fate' written 9 times."
"That was it for the quiz. I hope you enjoyed it. Feel free to let me know what you think about it in the comments and if there are any ideas to add or improve on the quiz. :) (Does not affect results)"
"And then the two answers are just the word 'results'. I'm not going to leave a comment, sorry."
"It didn't give you time magic, sorry, it gave you shadow magic, which it describes as follows:"
"Shadow manipulation
Weapon: Dagger
Object: None
Weakness: Light and fire."
"You manipulate and blend in with the shadows. Shadow magic is more powerful then one might think. People who use this are unsuspecting. In fact shadow manipulation is an ancient and forbidden magic. So those who use it are almost unheard of. You can manipulate the shadows and cause shadow creatures to come to your aid. You are able to discover ones fear and use it to your own advantage. As dark as this magic seems. You can still use it for good."
"That, however, is up to you."
"Shadows are insubstantial and only exist where there's already light, that's so lame. How did I get that??"
"It wouldn't surprise me if some people counted darkness without light as shadowy enough for shadow magic? And it looks like you got 5 points in the shadow direction, with the runners-up being time and healing at 4 points each, but I'm not seeing a question-by-question breakdown."
