She scoots up the bed again and snuggles down at his side.

"I love you. It's okay to still be getting used to things."

John limply hugs her back. "I'm glad," he says, "and I'm sorry." For messing up? For not being okay going on? For still getting used to things? (For not saying 'I love you too'?) John isn't sure which thing he's apologizing for. Possibly all of them. He has a lot to apologize for. 

"It's okay," she repeats, wrapping her arms snugly around him.

"Okay," John says. "Okay." And then. "Should we end it, then?" he asks, since he doesn't want to make even more mistakes and mess up like last night. Even though it feels like a waste to call an end to it now. 

"We can if you want. Or I can snuggle you until you feel better and we can do the other thing. Either way."

John really really doesn't want to mess up again like yesterday. But he also doesn't want to waste things. And really, it should be easy to get over this, right? It's just one mistake except it's on top of all the other damn mistakes. How does he keep fucking up with her so much? John shakes his head to clear it, and wraps his arms around Rosy and sighs. "I'm sorry, I'm being so dumb," he says. 

"I don't think you're being dumb at all! I've put you in a difficult situation and you're still getting used to it."

"It shouldn't be this hard to do it right, though," he says, annoyed at himself. "I'm sorry, I just, I want to do this the right way. And make it good. And, and, everything."

"I mean, why shouldn't it be? You don't have any practice yet!"

John knows, somewhere, that she has a point, but he has trouble putting into words why he feels like the point is wrong. "Because it's what I'm supposed to do," he tries, but he can feel his words are wrong. 

Snuggle.

"...I want to come up with a gentler phrasing but the only way I can think of to say what I mean right now is—the idea that because you're supposed to do something you have to get it perfectly without trying right from the start seems like a terrible destructive lie that will make you worse at everything forever?"

Huh? "Worse how? Shouldn't it at least, like, make me concentrate on doing it right, and, stuff?" He's not wording this very well. "Like obviously I'm not going to be perfect the first time" even though he really should be with something so important "but I still should be making sure I'm good enough. I have to be good enough."

"If it's obvious that you won't be perfect the first time, why do you get so upset about not being perfect the first time...?"

John doesn't know how to answer that. Every time she says something, it cuts through the things he's trying to say (and ways he normally acts) in a... disconcerting fashion. He wishes he could just make her stop, and go back to doing what he wanted to do in the first place. (He could, too. Just tell her to shut up and suck his cock. It'd be hot too. The thought is... so much more tempting than he'd like. He shoves it away with effort that makes his blood feel cold.) "I just... to make sure I do it better," he says, finally. 

"Well, I'm skeptical, but then I'm if anything weird in the opposite way - I feel at sea whenever I don't have a colour-coded checklist prepared in advance. Maybe between the two of us we can figure out what a normal and reasonable approach to getting things done looks like."

John laughs to himself. "Your way seems so much better than mine," he tells her. "I wish I could make checklists."

"I could help?"

John blushes and flops. The thought of checklists in general is scary, but, Rosy is good and helpful. It'll probably be good. "That sounds like it could be good," he says, and sighs. He doesn't feel up for a blow job right now, even though he really really should. "Maybe I should call a stop?" he says. "I'm sorry for wasting it." 

"You didn't waste it! It was a valuable learning experience." Nestle.

He still feels like he's failed, but... at least Rosy seems happy. He really feels like maybe he should force himself to do it, but that didn't... go well last time. "Exeunt omnes," he says, hopefully pronouncing it right this time, and then curls up in a ball, still touching Rosy and feeling like a failure. 

Snuggles will continue until morale improves.

John appreciates snuggles. They make him feel less bad, even though at the moment they feel like an undeserved reward for bad behavior. 

But consider, they are so cozy.

They are, it's true. But sometimes rewards you get despite bad behavior feel like ashes taste. (Probably, he's never tasted ashes.)

Rosy is good at making them feel real, though. Or, real enough. 

"...are you all right?"