Then how about this: I'm blatantly out of character, I'm not "really" saying any of this, and I won't remember it beyond the duration of the conversation?

THANK you.

Sure, whatever gets You off My back.

(I can't help it if in real fake life I come to some of the same exact conclusions independently of all this, though.)

Azzy, why were Y'all picking all those clerics if it wasn't to get an eye on the thing Otolmens was worked up about without having to promise not to act on what Y'all learned?

Figure it out Yourself.

I will, thanks for the permission.

So Asmodeus can't use any of His clerics in... let's gloss it as "in a way Ragathiel and I would disapprove of," unless He'd have still picked the cleric in a world where He didn't know anything Otolmens told Him. (Which He wouldn't have, or He would have done it before instead of after.) And the two of You can't move against those four guys until they'd have provably come to Your attention either way... and You in particular can't kill Altronus with an infohazard, or rewrite his mind to be more useful to You, unless he'd have opened the channel that You're using to target him in a world where Y'all hadn't picked a hundred clerics in front of him - oh, and now I get why He did that - which Altronus not only wouldn't have but couldn't have, because You didn't even exist until Asmodeus spun off an LN aspect of Itself and gave Her nominal independence.

Actually, doesn't this mean that You can't move against those guys at all? 

I'm adrenaline crashing.

It's not that I'm not still extraordinarily worried, to be clear, it's just that now I'm worried about things in general instead of a specific doom that's unfolding in front of me.

I know You're eating your seed grain for something. You're ceding ground on a thousand different worlds. You've got zebubs in the Boneyard losing slam-dunk LE cases to Nirvana because half Your trained lawyers were rotated to some other front.

I know You know that You're in for one Hell of a fight. And I have to assume You're not tying up power and intervention in resources that won't help during it. 

No comment.

Unsanctioned Slayer:

Studied Target* (Su) At 1st level, an unsanctioned slayer gains the slayer’s studied target class feature. He uses his inquisitor level as his effective slayer level to determine the effects of studied target. This ability replaces judgment 1/day.

Cunning Initiative* (Su) At 2nd level, an unsanctioned slayer adds his Wisdom modifier on initiative checks, in addition to his Dexterity modifier. This modifies cunning initiative.

Sneak Attack* (Sp) At 4th level, an unsanctioned slayer's eyes shine blood red and allow him to see the vital areas and weak points of creatures within 30 feet of him as a warm glow. This allows him to use any manufactured weapon to make sneak attacks, as the rogue ability of the same name, dealing an additional 1d6 points of damage; this additional damage increases by 1d6 for every 3 caster levels you possess beyond 4th, to a maximum of +6d6 at 19th level. This additional damage stacks with other sources of precision damage.

Deadly Range (Sp) At 8th, 16th, 17th, and 20th levels, an unsanctioned slayer increases the range at which he can deal sneak attack damage by 10 feet. This ability replaces second judgment, third judgment, slayer, and true judgment. 

Evasion (Su) At 11th level unsanctioned slayer gains evasion, as if wearing a ring of evasion. This ability replaces stalwart.

Keen Edge (Sp) At 14th level, while an unsanctioned slayer wields a manufactured melee or ranged weapon which deals piercing or slashing damage, double the threat range of that weapon. A threat range of 20 becomes 19–20, a threat range of 19–20 becomes 17–20, and a threat range of 18–20 becomes 15–20. Multiple effects that increase a weapon's threat range (such as the keen special weapon property and the Improved Critical feat) don't stack. This ability has no effect on natural weapons, such as claws. Weapons the unsanctioned slayer are not wielding gain no benefit from this ability. This ability replaces exploit weakness.

Oathkeeper (Merchant's Manifest pg. 30):

Alignment An oathkeeper must be of a lawful alignment, and her alignment must be within one step of her deity’s.

This alters the inquisitor’s alignment requirements.

Class Skills An oathkeeper removes Knowledge (nature) from her list of class skills and adds Appraise.

This alters the inquisitor’s class skills.

Divine Witness (Su) Every oathkeeper inquisitor develops a unique personal symbol, which she can use to seal an agreement between two or more willing parties. The agreement, whether it’s a trade contract, a truce, or a political marriage, must be as detailed as possible and then signed in the oathkeeper’s presence by every creature involved. Creatures must sign of their own free will—any magical or physical coercion will cause the contract to crumble into ash when the oathkeeper attempts to place her seal upon it. So long as no mystic or physical force is influencing any participating creature, the oathkeeper can mystically seal the arrangement with her personal symbol, binding all signing parties into upholding their ends of the bargain for the length of time spelled out in the agreement.

Should any oathbound creature break the exact wording of the contract, the agreement is dissolved and the offending creature is cursed, taking a penalty on all d20 rolls equal to the oathkeeper’s Wisdom modifier for a number of weeks equal to the oathkeeper’s inquisitor level. Furthermore, the inquisitor’s symbol appears as a mystic symbol on the offending creature’s throat and hands, allowing the oathkeeper to know the creature’s location at all times, as per the discern location spell.

If a creature is forced into breaking the agreement by magic or overwhelming physical force (for example, breaking an agreement not to harm via a compulsion spell or by physically hurling an oathbound creature to deal damage to another), then the agreement dissipates harmlessly. The oathkeeper’s curse is a curse effect, but it can be removed only with a miracle or wish spell.

This replaces monster lore.

Oathbreaker’s Scourge (Su) At 2nd level, if an oathkeeper is given physical evidence of a broken agreement and asked to hunt down the contract’s breaker by the offended party, the oathkeeper gains a +4 sacred or profane bonus on Diplomacy and Survival skill checks to gather information about and track the target. The inquisitor is also treated as being 3 levels higher for the purpose of one judgment she uses against the deal breaker, so long as she keeps possession of the evidence. If the oathkeeper uses oathbreaker’s scourge when attacking someone who is actually innocent of fraud—due to forgery, hasty judgments, or other deceptions—she loses access to all of her oathkeeper archetype abilities for 1 month or until she is the target of an atonement spell. This replaces track.

Ravenous Hunter

Mystery At 1st level, a ravenous hunter chooses an oracle mystery from the following list: flame (advanced player's guide), or volcano (Pathfinder Adventure Path #95: Anvil of Fire 72). He gains one revelation from his chosen mystery. He must meet the revelation’s prerequisites, using his inquisitor level as his effective oracle level to determine the revelation’s effects, and he never qualifies for the Extra Revelation feat. The ravenous hunter gains a second revelation from his chosen mystery at 8th level.

This ability replaces domain. 

Holy Magic A ravenous hunter adds all spells of 6th-level and lower on the cleric spell list with the good descriptor to his inquisitor spell list as inquisitor spells of the same level. If a spell appears on both the cleric and inquisitor spell lists, the ravenous hunter uses the lower of the two spell levels listed for the spell. He cannot cast spells with the chaotic or evil descriptor, even from spell trigger or spell completion items.

This ability alters the inquisitor’s spells.

Demon Hunter (Su) At 3rd level, a ravenous hunter gains a +2 morale bonus on all attack rolls and a +2 morale bonus on caster level checks to penetrate spell resistance made against creatures with the demon subtype he recognizes as demons, as well as a +2 morale bonus on attack rolls and caster level checks to overcome spell resistance of creatures that he recognizes as followers of a deity which grants the Demon subdomain. 

This ability counts as having the feat Demon Hunter for the purpose of meeting prerequisites. 

(You're probably going to enchant yourself into "recognizing" your foemen de jour all as demon-worshippers. Well, it's a morale bonus, so it's not like anyone can stop you.)

This ability replaces the teamwork feat gained at 3rd level.

Teamwork Feats* (Sp) At 6th level, a ravenous hunter selects a teamwork feat that he meets the prerequisites for and is treated as if he possessed that feat. For every three levels he possess beyond 6th, he selects an additional teamwork feat. As a standard action, the ravenous hunter can select a new teamwork feat to replace the most recently selected teamwork feat. He can only change the most recent teamwork feat so gained, and whenever he gains a new teamwork feat, the previous teamwork feat becomes set and cannot be changed again. A ravenous hunter can change his most recent teamwork feat a number of times per day equal to his Wisdom modifier. This ability alters the teamwork feats inquisitor class feature.

Solo Tactics* (Sp) At 6th level, all of the ravenous hunter’s allies are treated as if they possessed the same teamwork feats as the inquisitor for the purpose of determining whether the inquisitor receives a bonus from his teamwork feats. His allies do not receive any bonuses from these feats unless they actually possess the feats themselves. The allies’ positioning and actions must still meet the prerequisites listed in the teamwork feat for the inquisitor to receive the listed bonus. This ability alters Solo Tactics.

Damned (Su) At 13th level, a ravenous hunter becomes damned. When the ravenous hunter is killed, his soul is instantly sent to Hell. A character attempting to resurrect him must succeed at a caster level check with a DC equal to 10 + the ravenous hunter’s level or the spell fails. That character cannot attempt to resurrect the ravenous hunter again until 24 hours have passed, though other characters can still attempt to do so.

(I mean, it's kind of obligatory, right? It'd be more suspicious if this wasn't in there somewhere.)

Knight of Do You Really Need +4 To Hit When You Target Touch AC?

A knight of do you really need +4 to hit when you target touch AC? doesn't gain proficiency with any weapons, shields, or armor.

Precise Shot (Su) At first level a knight of do you really need +4 to hit when you target touch AC? can shoot or throw ranged weapons at an opponent engaged in melee without taking the standard –4 penalty on his attack roll. This ability counts as having the feat Precise Shot for the purpose of meeting prerequisites.

Smite Evil* (Su) I'm sure you saw this coming: your smites don't work on creatures with the devil subtype. 

But! I'll make it up to you.

At fourth level, gain smite foe as the gray paladin ability of the same name (ultimate intrigue pg. 69). (Although still no dice on devils.) This ability alters smite evil. 

Divine Grace (Su) As 2nd level the knight of do you really need +4 to hit when you target touch AC? gains divine grace, as per the paladin ability of the same name.

This is what you're here for, and now you have it!

And you could stop here... or you could keep going and see what happens. :)

Shared Precision (Su) At 3rd level, a knight of do you really need +4 to hit when you target touch AC? chooses one of the following two abilities: The first is shared precision, which functions as the divine hunter ability of the same name (ultimate combat pg. 62). The second is aura of courage, which functions exactly as the paladin ability of the same name. 

This ability replaces aura of courage.

(Just in case you decide to stick around in the class, instead of scampering off at level 2. You don't need to use it, but you can't say I never do anything for my paladins. :3)

Divine Bond (Sp) At 5th level you must pick a ranged weapon, and you can add distance and seeking in addition to the standard listed abilities, but you can't add defending or disruption. This ability is otherwise mechanically identical to the standard paladin's bond, and replaces it.

Dual Enhancement At 5th level, a knight of do you really need +4 to hit when you target touch AC? gains Dual Enhancement as a bonus feat.

Distant Mercy (Sp) At 6th level, a knight of do you really need +4 to hit when you target touch AC? gains distant mercy, which functions as the divine hunter ability of the same name. This ability replaces the paladin’s 6th-level mercy. 

Aura of Life (Su) At 8th level, a knight of do you really need +4 to hit when you target touch AC? is immune to energy drain and any negative energy effect, including channeled negative energy, and is allowed a save to negate death spells and magical death effects even if one is not normally allowed. Allies within ten feet recieve a +4 morale bonus against energy drain, negative energy, death spells, and death effects.

Aura of Fire Resistance (Su) At 8th level, a knight of do you really need +4 to hit when you target touch AC? gains fire resistance 20, and all allies within 10 feet gain fire resistance 5. At 12th level the knight of do you really need +4 to hit when you target touch AC?'s fire resistance increases to 30 and allies gain fire resistance 10.

Aura of Resolve (Su) Did you notice that neither of those abilities replaced aura of resolve? Because neither of them did.

Hunter's Blessing (Su) At 11th level, a knight of do you really need +4 to hit when you target touch AC? chooses one of the following two abilities: The first is hunter's blessing, which functions as the divine hunter ability of the same name (ultimate combat pg. 62). The second is aura of justice, which functions as the base paladin ability of the same name. This ability replaces aura of justice.

Damned (Su) At 13th level, a knight of do you really need +4 to hit when you target touch AC? becomes damned. When the knight of do you really need +4 to hit when you target touch AC? is killed, his soul is instantly sent to Hell. A character attempting to resurrect him must succeed at a caster level check with a DC equal to 10 + the knight of do you really need +4 to hit when you target touch AC?’s level or the spell fails. That character cannot attempt to resurrect the knight of do you really need +4 to hit when you target touch AC? again until 24 hours have passed, though other characters can still attempt to do so.

Nothing At All (Ex) At 20th level the knight of do you really need +4 to hit when you target touch AC? gains nothing at all, because you already have a level of inquisitor and you can't hit level twenty on this side of the gestalt! If you somehow do, though, this ability replaces holy champion, so it's pretty much a straight upgrade~~

...Yeah, I'll renounce her once I've got a new god lined up.

I don't want to leap without somewhere to land, y'know.

All devilkind are shaped to please and be of use to Asmodeus, the Lord of the Pit, and all devilkind answer to Him, but most lesser devils were shaped and do serve at many steps' remove. Barbazu are shaped under the eye of Barbatos, dread Lord of the First. Zebub are born in Cocytus, for Baalzebul, the Lord of Flies. 

Archbishop Ornher Reebs takes his spells and his orders directly from the King of Hell, and he bends his knee only to Asmodeus, the temporal powers of Golarion, and the Grand High Priestess of Asmodeus on that planet, Aspexia Rugatonn.

An Archbishop can pull rank on a 6HD fiend. Reebs has spells for calling lesser devils to him on the material plane. Rare is the lesser devil who has in turn a spell for calling Ornher Reebs to serve them in Hell.

"Give one phylactery to a subordinate without a Wisdom headband," the devil commands Reebs. "And the other two, to a mortal with six limbs."

A lesser planar ally can relay orders to Ornher Reebs. A lesser planar ally cannot order him.

The devil is projecting urgency and authority. Reebs is used to dealing with devils. An obvious theory presents itself: the devil is trying to fast-talk him into doing something for its own benefit without technically lying.

"By what authority do you make these demands?"

The devil's eyes widen at some perceived insult. It stands a head taller than the Archbishop, and it now does so very near to him. "In the name of Asmodeus," the devil snarls. "Asmodeus, Lord of the Pit, the Prince of Darkness, and King of Hell."

Its teeth are very straight and white. 

Reebs doesn't step back, doesn't flinch.

He can't prevent a bead of sweat from forming and running down his back.

The fiend doesn't touch him, but it does speak - feeling its breath in his face is like opening an oven; the air smells like fire and burning, it's hot and bone dry. In dark and dire tones, the fiend begins, "There are - " but then it cuts itself off.

It starts again, less certain, with, "Uh, do you happen to know the total sapient population of Golarion?"

It's estimated at around a billion. 

The devil again finds its brusque and menacing stride. "No longer. One in a thousand of your world's sapients are dead and shadows. Tomorrow, one in ten. My name is Rachovii, and I'm the one Asmodeus sends when things go this wrong." 

The devil steps back, and with a flourish, the devil throws the portable hole to the ground. The portable hole unrolls, revealing... an unremarkable and apparently nonmagical circle of dark fabric, which Rachovii stares at his with eyes nearly bugging out of his head.

You're in an extradimensional space. A mage's magnificent mansion. 

Oh thank the GODS, I thought I'd broken it somehow.

(slightly) earlier:

"By what authority do you make these demands?" demands the human in the stupid hat as if he's reminding you of your place.

Oh Hell no, that is not happening. Rachovii didn't leave the relative comfort and safety of his particular corner of Stygia for the first time in thirty years so he could be ordered around by a human in a stupid hat. Best to nip that right in the bud. 

"In the name of Asmodeus," grrrrrrrr scary face. Humans are as scared of scary faces as they are afraid of frilled lizards and tall hats. 

Humans are stupid. Rachovii doesn't think that Golarion is terrifying because the animals there have tall hats or puff out their chests or puff up their fur. No, he thinks Golarion is terrifying because if you die on Golarion you die in real life, and because of information budgets you're not allowed to defend yourself. There's a good reason why "accomplice devils" prefer to work from the shadows - it's something to do with how they're made, and something else to do with who they're made out of, but hesperians have a stronger instinct for self-preservation than most lesser devils. Rachovii wants to get himself (mis?)filed in this human's primitive mind as its superior rather than as a potentially disposable underling. 

He's taller than the human in this form, if you discount the human's hat (and you should, because the human sees from its own eye level), so he can get all up in the human's personal space. He'd like to compliment this with a hard shove, to assert dominance, but the human definitely has more BAB than he does and it wouldn't help to bring that to his attention. (Of course Rachovii can't physically dominate a mortal adventurer, he's an academic! No one can answer lesser planar ally unless they're an academic or in the trades or pretty shit at their combat job, and this hesperian was the least irreplaceable 6HD specialist in interpreting divine visions with the bad luck to speak and read Chellish Taldane and have operated on Golarion in the past century.)

"Asmodeus, Lord of the Pit, the Prince of Darkness, and King of Hell." The very same Prince of Darkness and King of Hell who, if He didn't exactly say 'and after you answer the lesser planar ally, take command of the situation,' didn't explicitly say to not. The instructions were vague. Making sense of Asmodeus's vague instructions so He doesn't have to think harder about what He's saying is Rachovii's entire job.

"There are - " he continues, in his darkest and most menacing tones, before, wait a second, let's minimize how much infobudget we spend by total accident haha.

"Uh, do you know the total sapient population of Golarion?"

It's estimated at around a billion. 

Close enough. 

"No longer. One in a thousand of your world's sapients are dead and shadows. Tomorrow, one in ten. My name is Rachovii, and I'm the one Asmodeus sends when things go this wrong." 

And with a flourish he'll... feel his hearts jump in his chest. The portable hole, unrolled, is just a circle of dark fabric.

That's coming out of his Christmas bonus, haha.

He's fucked.