Oct 28, 2021 6:58 AM
au
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That's not a very reassuring boundary.

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If how you feel about it turns on how bad it got, you should probably leave. It got bad. 

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It turns on - something like a combination of that and how he talks about it? I -

I don't think that people who have done terrible things should just never be happy again, the question is whether 'ever again' is like, soon or not.

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What are you thinking time would do?

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It's not that I expect it to do something in particular. The question I personally need to answer is whether I can stay and so what matters is - would I be in danger, has he changed enough that even if I would be safe anyway I can condone how he is now and still love him instead of just hanging around out of vague principle, how much does it ultimately bother me that every single person here knew loosely what he was doing to you and didn't warn me or help you...

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I'm sorry for not warning you, wasn't allowed. He stopped hurting me once he fell in love with you but he didn't want it to come out during the war.

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I don't blame you for not warning me, I blame - everyone else - if I knew somebody's boyfriend went around constantly injured, knew they were being abused, and then the somebody picked up a friend of mine, or even a total stranger - there's reasons you don't tell people 'leave him' even when oaths aren't in the picture but they don't apply to tipping off new people.

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Yeah.

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I guess it's just barely possible they were all stoically refraining because I was needed for the war.

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Or because you're safe, what with having the magic, or because they rationalized my hair away two centuries ago and have forgotten by now exactly what they thought when they first saw it, or because they assumed you knew, having seen my hair yourself...that's not it, though. People believe the King entitled to do as he pleases, by virtue of being the King, because that is how they were taught things work. - not even taught by Maitimo, it precedes him.

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Uh.

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I know. I - you'd have seen through it even raised with it, but most people aren't like that.

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Even if someone can't reason out of it on a principled level I'd hope there'd be 'what if the king, or the next king if something happens to this one, happens to take a liking to me or someone I care about' -

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Well, they're not into men, see, people who are like that deserve whatever they get.

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It's not like he asked me.

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- he didn't insist, though, did he - presumably you'd have turned him down if -

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Yeah, if I were straight, I would have explained that. How much would that have mattered - not with me in particular, in general -

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To my knowledge he's never wanted anyone else. I don't know. 

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So you were an acceptable target because you'd been together happily before. Grand.

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I was an acceptable target because of the war, they weren't worried for themselves because they're all normal. But - yeah.

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...Cor has paper on him, of course. He starts making a little outline.

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He sings to himself quietly.

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Eventually the little outline says:

1) unmeliorated useful background horrible [wrt gay, wrt kingship]
2) counterfactuals with me
3) nature of appeal of Vague Bad Things
4) motives now

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I'll be here if you need anything else from me.

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Thanks.

Let me know if you need anything or think of anything you want me to know.

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