"Living's hard. And sometimes it isn't worth it. Sometimes it is."

"I had a friend who used to stop such thoughts. I lost him when I came here."

"I'm sorry."

"I haven't been without him in years. I...I don't know how to not be with him."

Mako nods quietly. Not quite like he understands that, but like he might have an idea.

Anders props himself up against the wall, and runs his hands over his face. "I'm sorry. You shouldn'tve had to see that."

"I've seen a lot worse. This? This is nothing."

"Ah." Mako doesn't have to explain, he knows precisely what worse looks like. He lived in a Circle for most his life, desperation is far too common.

"You gonna be okay for now?"

"I'd be the last to know, Mako. I'd try to sleep, but I'm not sure I could keep replacing blood as fast."

Mako hums. "Resting will help. She'll let me or Circ know if something's wrong."

He runs one hand on the wall of the ship. "She's like a guardian, huh? All right. I'll stay away from anymore sharp objects tonight."

Mako pats the wall. "Most people don't realise she's more than she appears. See you."

And he leaves.

Anders waits a while, then forces himself up and onto the cot. He doesn't sleep, but he doesn't harm himself any further.

Small victories.

In the meantime, they set sail again.

Some time later, he has a visit.

Circe doesn't bother knocking before coming in. "Hot chocolate," she says, holding a mug out to him. "Drink."

Anders accepts it, a little blearily, and hoists himself up into a sitting position.

"I assume you heard about last night."

"Hard to miss. Drink."

He does so, dutifully. After a moment, he tries to speak again. "I'm sorry, it wasn't a reflection of my care, I assure you. You've all been very welcoming and kind."

Circe watches him silently for a moment-

-and then shifts, and pulls a gun from somewhere and points it directly at Anders head. "Do you want to die?"

Anders is takenaback for a moment, just one moment-

-and then leans into the gun. 

Circe doesn't pull the trigger. "You're giving up. And I'm not even offended that you're not giving us a chance to help. You don't know us, and you don't owe us any faith. I'm not even that bothered that you're giving up on yourself. Having faith in yourself is hard. But you say you had friends. And if you're giving up on them moving the very ocean to get you back, you really needed new friends anyway."

"You said yourself that there was nothing that could send me back."

Her words don't stop the stirrings of purpose in him though. He is shamed by her, but in a way that makes him want to hope.