"You're a dancer--" Asher's father begins.

"Straight men can dance! That is literally the entire plot of Billy Elliot. And High School Musical."

"The fact that you know that--" Asher's father continues.

"Doesn't make me gay, because straight men can also like musicals!"

"You have a picture of a shirtless man hanging up in your locker," Asher's mother says.

"It's called fitspo! It's-- I don't get off on it, it's inspirational! It reminds me of my goals!"

"I've reviewed your case file with your parents and we agree that you likely struggle with homosexuality."

"Gay dudes are like-- feminine and shit. Not that there's anything wrong with being feminine-- honestly, this entire concept is so fucking homophobic, you don't have to recover from being gay, it's okay to want to fuck men-- but I don't wear eyeliner, I don't care about shoes, I don't swish--"

("Language," Asher's mom says to herself.)

"Homosexuality is unnatural. Heterosexuality is what God wants from you."

"I'm an atheist."

"What?" Asher's dad says.

"Oh, yeah, Mom, Dad, I'm an atheist, if you want to be disappointed with me about that, feel free, but you can't feel disappointed with me for being gay because I'm. not. gay!"

"We do generally recommend that you turn your life over to your Higher Power through our program, but we are secular and nonsectarian and have had many atheist graduates."

"This is absurd. I had a girlfriend! For two years!"

"It was long-distance for eighteen months," his mother says. 

"She literally lives in Canada," his father says.

"And she was." His mother's face twists up from the effort of trying to figure out a way to politely say it. 

"Well, she was very intellectual," his father says, "and not very, well, feminine, was she?"

"What the fuck, are you insulting Robin in front of me by calling her smart--"

"Language," his mother chides.

"And she was very... quiet," his father says. "And not very lively."

"She barely talked to us at all!" his mother says.

"And she was-- how do I put this delicately-- " his father says. 

"She was fat," his mother says. 

"Well, it's not just the fat," his father says judiciously. "It was also the acne. And the abysmal dress sense."

"Are you saying I'm gay because I'm not shallow?"

"You're our bright, vibrant, outgoing, handsome boy," his mother says. "We just-- don't feel like she is someone you would be attracted to, if you experienced attraction to women."

"What the fuck is wrong with you."

"Language."

"Asher, the program is only three months. It would reassure your parents if you would--"

"Three months? So, what, I'm going to go to 'don't fuck men' camp instead of school--"

"Actually, our next session is over the summer."

"But I've been accepted to ballet intensive this summer."