Yeah, but - you're the only person I have at all, OK, and you don't have to like me, but as long as we have any bridge at all then it would be stupid to burn it, given general lack of legal rights or money or independent access to food or to anyone else with telepathy or anyone else who can fight or anyone else who - and I don't even know if that's it, OK, maybe I just miss the other you, and I know you're not him, and I know you're not gonna be him, not while I'm around, and that's fine, but -
Maybe if she sends memories. Maybe that'll capture the thing she's trying to say. Maybe it'll just make everything worse, but it's something to try, some attempt at an explanation. She sends - Alex, teaching gym class for the first time, telling everyone that it's important but he's going to give everyone an A anyway, giving everyone cookies for pushing themselves, having the time of his life demonstrating stances and correcting kids as they practice. Alex, telling her a couple weeks ago that he likes her classmates, that he never used to like humans but that everyone is awful to kids. Alex, teaching her archery and how to fire machine guns and how to take vampires out without killing them. Alex, listing off to Wyndam-Pryce her various positive qualities and all of the things they've covered together. Alex, stabbing Zeke in the arm before being blown away. Alex, telling her that she did good at killing him. Alex, informing her that she's entirely completely safe at summer camp, but that she should come home anyway if it's making her unhappy. Alex, instructing other students during archery club. Alex, telling her why she shouldn't feel sorry for Wesley. Alex, distraught over the death of Herbert the pig. Alex, listing off his reasons why he's not a good person. Alex, crying in the bathroom over her classmate's body and giving her the words to Antony's speech. Alex, upset about being mistaken for God, because God tortures people if he thinks it's a fitting end for them. Alex, informing her that she should have checked on whether Macalaurë was actually validly a priest. Alex, one day ago, asking for a hug and then correcting himself and then telling her I'm so sorry and that she shouldn't die.
They're all jumbled up, fuzzy around the edges, more a sense of a person in places than real memory, but they're what she has.
I miss him. If someone asked me right now whether I wanted to trade an arm to have him here, I wouldn't even ask which one they wanted. He's a really great person, and if he were here he'd know what to do, or have some idea what we should be doing, and - and I'm sorry for expecting anything of you, OK, I really am, it's not fair at all to you and I'm trying not to do it, I just -
I'm sorry. It's just - it's been a rough day, and my brain isn't working right, and it's not your problem and you don't have to deal with it but - that's what it is.