She is startled, at first, which is - incredibly stupid, in hindsight, she told Mhalir she thought he was gay but she revised that, today, when they sparred - maybe he just needed to feel like he'd earned it, which would actually be very cute and - kind of Mhalir, if you extrapolate him human. 

She kisses him back, while all this flickers through the back of her head, because whatever feelings she's having she can have them just as well while not making mistakes that'd be dangerous. (She does not specifically believe Ma'ar to be dangerous, they're on Mhalir's spaceship right now, he could maybe pull something off with the mind control but it'd be an incredibly astoundingly stupid thing to pull just to have Carissa and she's sure he wouldn't. But her instincts about this are not at all tuned to being powerful or having options, practically none of her instincts are tuned to that, her instincts are entirely tuned for situations she might've gotten into in the army or in school and in every conceivable situation the thing to do would be to respond, nicely, while she considered what she was going to do.)

(She finds him attractive, she likes it when he touches her. She is all but considering this irrelevant; it is definitely secondary to a dozen other things.)

Last night, what was the plan? The plan was to see if seducing Ma'ar cheered him up, which would've been a pleasant turn of events, though not one she wanted in the kind of fashion where she was willing to actually herself take actions towards it - it's safer, right, if Mhalir is doing it, though right now he's quiet in the back of her head, presumably considering this to be mostly between Ma'ar and Carissa - unless Ma'ar used magic to hold him back, like during the sparring, but - no, she evaluated the odds of that and concluded it'd be ridiculous, she doesn't need to revisit it five times. He's not stupid.

What's the difference between telling Mhalir it'd be neat if it worked to seduce him, and - doing it herself? Doing it herself- betrays more, exposes more vulnerability - there are more possible girls who give in, here, than girls who seduce him, it's offering him more surface area, it's giving him things she wants, it's dangerous to give people a picture of what you want, it's far more intimate than merely sleeping with them -

- this doesn't have to have a lot of surface area. It can be nice, and safe, and fun, and she can know what it'd be like if Mhalir were human and she doesn't need to have any feelings, and if she decides to tomorrow then that's tolerable, it's less vulnerable if he's not right here. (And she ticks down a list of possible feelings, to screen out the stupid ones. She is not going to care if he's had better, he has an army and he has a mage breeding program and he's twice her age, of course he has, it'd only matter if she were trying to locate her self-worth in this, and she knows what she's good at; it's magic. She is not going to care if he doesn't, actually, like her; Mhalir needs her, she doesn't have much information about what he'd think of her otherwise; it would be interesting to know, and there isn't an answer that's scary. Maybe he ...wants to hurt her? That's fine, sometimes it's fun and if it's not it's good to know where the lines are. What even feels, here, like she might have feelings about it tomorrow?)

She draws back from Ma'ar, and beams at him, and then kisses him again.

He looks into her eyes, her smile, and - it's dizzying, exhilarating, almost painfully so - there are so many layers, there, so much intelligence, directed into careful strategy. Strategy appropriate to a world where she is - powerless, a non-agent, blown about by the winds of greater powers, and once she tentatively tried to grow, and - 

( - glass and ash and the lacy outlines of what were once people - ) 

She's so beautiful, smiling at him, and he's so angry, and so - thirsty, reaching for - 

Ma'ar seizes her shoulders, hard enough to leave bruises, and shoves her back against the sofa, pinning her, looking down at her. 

:I want you: he says in Mindspeech; it's more honest, that way, he can't lie about his feelings. :I want you to tell me what you want, right now. I want you to admit that you have the power. To decide that. For yourself: 

His mindvoice is unyielding. 

- which is hot. And frightening, and - a flicker of impatience - it's not very nice, to be hungry for her like that and then have some game in mind first...

She doesn't - know what to do with it, though. He is - presumably reading her mind, and presumably not just looking for her to beg him to fuck her, that's a script and it's there but she doesn't actually think it's right, she suspects he'd be frustrated - he wants something from her on a deeper level than that - 

- a flicker of rebelliousness, it's not his, she can float through the world carefully staying too small for any currents to actually sweep her up, if she wants to -

- she's been pretending to be qualified to negotiate diplomatic relations between Predain and Golarion, she went to Urtho's Tower to rescue Mhalir, she's fifth circle, now, not really all that small anymore, hasn't been for a while -

- she still doesn't know what to do with - it's too much to ask, when he met her a day ago, even if he's Mhalir, even if she wanted to imagine that there was more, to this, than tonight, and she's not at all sure she does -

- well, fine. 

"I don't want to tell you yet. What I want from life. I don't want to figure it out where you'll overhear it. I trust you - a lot - I don't trust you enough for that. I am only sort of convinced people can trust people enough for that. You'll have to - earn it. But - if you did earn it - that'd be very impressive. And it's probably make me very happy. And I'm - what I want, right now, is to see whether -" It made more sense in her head. "I think, when you do what you want, it's clearer, instead of being less clear. And I'd be awfully disappointed if you walked away."

He seems satisfied, anyway. Like what she said is the thing he wanted or at least close enough. Something eases behind his eyes, and he pulls her in and kisses her. Less gently this time. 

:It is not mine to ask for: he says in Mindspeech, at the same time, Mindspeech is convenient that way. :You are not mine. I - wanted to see - wanted you to see - that you know that. And - I want you. As you are now. ...I want you to become stronger and - get the things that you want - build the world that you want:

Kiss. :But tomorrow is tomorrow. And now is now: 

And at this point he stops saying words. 

Carissa has not hooked up with a guy since she was seventeen and had to worry about getting pregnant and she is very delighted that she is now a fifth circle wizard and absolutely does not and also Ma'ar is not a seventeen year old boy which turns out to be a shockingly sizable improvement. She is very set on not getting attached, that being the kind of naive stupid mistake one is warned against and which it would therefore be utterly humiliating to make, and she is very set on not having feelings about whether he likes her as much at the end as he did at the start, and she can feel those two things sitting in the way of a whole host of feelings not all of which would be unpleasant ones, but -

It's nice. And she wanted it, and he wanted that, in the same recognizable (cute) fashion in which Mhalir wants nice things for her...because he's very sweet, which is not feelings about how he'll feel about this, she is realistic and reasonable and aware that a man in his position can have whoever he wants and that the traditional thing to want, for all the obvious reasons, is lots of variety.

Carissa is not maximally satisfied with her feelings management here but she's aware it is hard mode, when you have just had a really lovely time.

It's nice. 

Ma'ar is reading her mind throughout, because that's the obviously smart thing to do when you are trying to please a person you haven't known for very long, from an entirely different culture with different expectations, and - the thought-patterns in her mind are familiar and unfamiliar at the same time and on some level he wants more, and on another he can take this moment for what it is, e.g. a lot more pleasant than most of the sex he's had with women - and if he wants more of her he has to earn it. He'll leave it to his later self whether that's something worth trying. It probably isn't, the entire category of relationships and love and actually-fulfilling sex is almost never a strategic priority. 

Afterward he cuddles her and sends a wordless waft of respect-fondness with Mindspeech.

(He wonders what Mhalir is thinking.) 

Mhalir is mostly thinking that this is a fascinating anthropological study in how human sexuality works; he's never actually ridden along in a host's head while they had sex with another human; and how a human version of him does. He's still not quite sure he understands it. It feels like even though he was there the whole time, he's still missing some sort of key context. 

She has never known Mhalir to be confused about a thing she doesn't herself feel confused about before. Do you want me to try to explain something? She's in such a good mood and it seems like it'd be funny.

<...If you think you understand it, I am curious? My confusion is more about him than about you.>

- what about him is confusing? I won't necessarily have more than an informed guess for you, though. 

<I am confused why he was not at all interested in this yesterday but was today? And - why he said the things that he said to you. What generated them as something he wants in the context of - doing sex things - which does not seem necessarily related to strategic alliances, but I cannot quite imagine a me doing things unrelated to that...> 

I dunno why he wasn't interested yesterday but my best guess is that he has his pick of pretty faces and I come with unusual complications and so on net I wasn't interesting until we fought, and then girls that can fight him are unusual enough than then I was more interesting.

I don't know exactly why he wanted to talk about my feelings. That part's not usual. I would've expected it to make more sense to you because of the similarities in personality. If I cared about that it'd be - not particularly enjoying being acceded to, rather than being chosen, but I don't think men typically care about that much. ...men typically have a wider variety of situations in which they're motivated to have sex because it can't ruin their life.

<...My guess extrapolating from myself would be that he - wants to engage with you as an equal? That this is...something he needs, in order to feel any actual closeness or intimacy, and...that that is something he needs to enjoy sex?> 

- huh. That seems like it'd be hard to come by, in his position. Equals, I mean. Especially if you mostly want girls who aren't yet 30, and my understanding is that powerful men mostly do.

<...I am not sure why powerful men mostly want that, or whether those reasons would apply to a me. I...do expect that the thing he wants is hard to come by, for him. He seems lonely.> 

Uh, I think men are attracted to women who look likeliest to get pregnant. Since that's what attraction is about, right, even if Ma'ar and I both know I won't carry a child for him, at the core it's about getting women pregnant.

<Huh.> Mhalir isn't sure what to think. 

Ma'ar is not currently reading either of their minds. He's holding Carissa, and thinking that he's glad, and this was nice, and also something still hurts and maybe it even hurts more, now, than it did before. 

( - starship fire on cities - fragments of memories held in ashes - ) 

It is sweet of him, to be snuggly; she'd have more feelings to manage if he'd left right away. She holds him, and pets his hair, and doesn't say anything, and eventually falls asleep.

Ma'ar falls asleep holding her. 

- he has nightmares, over the course of the night, but he isn't that loud about it. 

She's awake by then, and studying magic, but there's nothing obvious to do for him and she might get blasted in the face for trying, so she leaves him to it.

As usual he sleeps a lot longer than them. Eventually he wakes up, rolls over. Slips his arm around Carissa. (Reads her mind to see how she feels about this.) 

In between books on magic she has catalogued all her feelings so she won't make the really stupid mistake that every woman is warned against, of slipping into living in a love story instead of in reality. There are lots of things that might happen in the morning; he might charge off home and be distantly courteous should they ever meet again, he might want to go again and then do that, afterwards, he might stay affectionate, he might want things. All of those situations would be okay. She does not need anything from him; she will not get slipped into providing whatever looks likeliest to prolong the nicest illusion. 

She leans into him, when he wakes up, and keeps reading her book, and crosses some scenarios off the list while trying to be pretty indifferent between the remaining ones.

This is all right. It's not really new information, in one direction or another; she's being appropriately careful, given her priors, and he can appreciate the skill going into that, even if he wishes the environment that created those priors had been different. 

He kisses her, and then says apologetically that he had better go check in with his people now.