I
So, in what is probably the bizarrest esper news we are going to get in 2036...

M
Rank Americacentrism, by the way.

[several seconds of comedically-laden silence]

I
Listen.

M
It is a lot.

I
I'm struggling to even conceive...

M
It is a lot.

I
Short of Flay turning out to be Athena's evil clone...

M
[through wheezing laughter] Two more North American espers, by the way...

I
Fuck off!  I'm tryna talk about Tampa!

M
Talk about Tampa, Ike.

I
So [swallows, both clear throat] this is a pop culture podcast.  We talk about video games, we talk about TV, we talk about shitty retro comics...

M
We're just two dipshits.

I
Nonono.  We are just two dipshits but this isn't a we're just two dipshits disclaimer.  I'm saying whenever we talk about esper shit... I don't like talking about esper shit because espers aren't superheroes.

M
Espers are not superheroes.

I
Superheroes aren't a real thing.  They're a trope.  They're a...

M
They're a kind of mythical creature.

I
Exactly, that is the thing...

M
That is our hot take.

I
When I talk about fantasy, I say, and we say, the rightful king, the enlightened... enlightened and justly-ruling monarch, is very literally a mythological creature, like a unicorn.  It doesn't exist in reality.  Someone in real life says they're a rightful king is like someone gluing a horse on their horn...

M
Exactly like that.

I
Did I fucking just say gluing a horse...

M
Are you drunk?

I
[immediate, deadpan] Yes.

M
Go home, Ike.

I
It's like gluing a horrrnnnn on your horrrssse...

M
It's like gluing a horse on your horn.

I
...and saying it's a unicorn.  It is a very stupid lie.

M
Mm-hmm.  And superheroes are the same way.

I
You can't decide to be a superhero in real life any more than you can decide your horse is a unicorn in real life.  What it means to be a superhero is the same as what it means to be a unicorn.  It's a symbol, and a trope, and a, an object of fantasy, and a literary device, it's not a depiction of a part of reality.  A story with a unicorn in it is not a bad story, but it's not a guide to what happens if you stick a horn on your horse.

M
And superhero comics are not a guide to what happens if you put on a domino mask and start aura farming.

I
Exactly.  [pauses, raises voice]  So Florida said fuck that - 

M
[cackling laughter]

I
I can do whatever the fuck I want - 

M
Florida [squeaking through laughter] did not say fuck that...

I
No, you're right.  Florida didn't say fuck that.

M
A Tampa Bay area esper situationship...

I
Florida didn't say fuck that, [leans into the microphone and whispers theatrically] because Florida fucking haaaates these people.

M
A Tampa Bay esper situationship said fuck that.

I
A Tampa Bay esper situationship has decided they can be superheroes!

M
Have yielded to the power of the notebook and confused themselves with a god.

I
[with exhausted derision] God, I bet these people love Death Note.

M
[wheezing giggle]

I
I bet, what's his fucking name, The Omphalos...

M
The Omphalos.

I
What the fuck is an Omphalos.  The Omphalos watches Death Note...

M
"He's just like me, for real."

I
"That's me!  I'm L!  I could do that!"

M
It literally means...

I
What literally means.

M
The Omphalos.  It literally means, "the center of the world."

I
[brief moment of silence, followed by shrieking, mirthful cackles]

M
It's like...

I
[incomprehensible attempt to speak through high-pitched laughter]

M
It's like the origin point of a coordinate system...

I
[incomprehensible attempt to speak through high-pitched laughter] center of the fucking [incomprehensible attempt to speak through high-pitched laughter]

M
But it's the stone at the center of the world...

I
[high-pitched, through cackles] "I'm the fucking center of the world, baybee..."

M
[calmly, deadpan] "I am the Omphalos."

I
I can't, [squeaking desperately] I can't with this shit, tell them who these people are.

M
So right now, the Tampa Bay esper scene, dungeon running scene, is dominated by a, what even are they?

I
[getting himself under control] They're the fucking Florida Justice League.

M
A legal entity, of unclear... nature...

I
Unclear specific structure or, or provenance...

M
They're called the Tampa Bay Bulwark.  They're like, you know how in East Asia they have esper guilds?  They're like a guild.

I
A guild of four people.

M
A guild of four people, named Knuckledown...

I
I thought it was Knuckleduster.

M
That would be a better name.

I
It's so obvious that he should have been Knuckleduster!

M
Knuckledown, The Omphalos, Saint Solemn...

I
Fuck off, "Saint Solemn."

M
And Pixie Dust.  

I
All these names fuckin' suck!

M
Pixie Dust is okay.

I
Pixie Dust is okay.  All these other names are shit.  Actually isn't Pixie Dust PCP?

M
That's Angel Dust.

I
That's Angel Dust.

M
After which the Hazbin Hotel character was named.

I
[nigh-silent giggles]

M
So the Tampa Bay Bulwark...

I
Talkin' to me about fuckin' Hazbin Hotel...

M
The Tampa Bay Bulwark was founded a few years ago, by all four of its current esper members.

I
Mm-hmm.

M
They actually directly employ a lot of their own...

I
Like logistics people...

M
They're almost a private security firm...

I
For dungeons.

M
For dungeons.  They have their own logistics people, they have their own privately-trained SWAT backup...

I
Who train with them.

M
The SWAT guys and the espers, they all do paintball shit together.

I
Which actually, I'm gonna be real here, does sound like a pretty good idea.

M
It is a decent idea.

I
Especially since espers start at what, seventeen, eighteen...

M
Eighteen is the median.  You can awaken as young as sixteen.

I
Yeah, don't put the high school junior in a live fire situation...

M
It seems to work out okay, to be fair...

I
Do you remember yourself at sixteen?  I remember myself...

M
[giggling]

I
...let that little twerp play some paintball first.

M
Well, that's you.

I
That's true.  That's me.  I am uniquely a piece of shit.

M
We're getting off track.  The Tampa Bay Bulwark trains their own dungeon running teams, their own logistics people, it's all in-house, they get funding from...

I
From Omphalos's daddy.

M
...from some dungeon mats contracts and some public funds that the local governments have decided to...

I
His fucking trust fund.

M
...and from Mr. Omphalos's monetary inheritance, yes.

I
Now, Max...

M
[giggles] Yes, Ike?

I
...Max, I can hear our audience saying, as this episode goes up tomorrow, tell me: surely these must be very experienced dungeon espers, who have decided to pool their collective hard-won knowledge and tactical and strategic acumen, right?

M
What an astute question, Ike.

I
They've been around the block a few times, they know how to run a dungeon better than anybody!  And that wealth of real-world experience surely is serving them well in directing this organization and setting its goals and designing its training regimens, right?  For the [with exaggerated enunciation] private militia they're building in Florida... right??

M
Uh, the answer is no...

I
No they fucking haven't!!

M
...no, none of that...

I
These people are in their early twenties!!

M
The oldest I believe is twenty-four...

I
I'm older than these people!!

M
I'm the CEO of FastCrab international, I'm twenty-two...

I
Would you trust me with a private militia!!

M
I wouldn't.

I
You fucking wouldn't!!

M
I would not.

I
God!

I
And I say it sounds like a good idea, but the...

M
The situationship.

I
...the reverse harem...

M
[giggles]

I
They put themselves on the top!

M
They say there are espers that take orders and there are espers that give orders...

I
And these assholes said to themselves wow, that sounds pretty badass, I wanna be one of the ones that give orders!

M
Really, all told, I would not put it past them to have thought that.

I
Can't stress enough that these are twentysomething year olds...

M
The oldest is twenty-four.

I
...whose qualifications are basically running dungeons for four or five years as a hobby.  It doesn't actually take a lot of training to be a dungeon esper!  You gotta learn to use your powers...

M
Get someone smarter than you to guide you and show you the ropes.

I
...you don't need the fucking military qualifications that DRT guys have, that are the reason they give orders.

M
No esper boot camp.

I
And we're hearing about this Omphalos asshole sitting in his fucking computer chair, spouting off some shit he thought about in the bath, this is what I have determined to be the optimum of military strategy...

M
We should say...

I
...by thinking about it really hard with my trust fund baby brain...

M
...we should say.  The reason this story is breaking now is because an anonymous member of a Bulwark squad was interviewed by Vice...

I
You should fucking read that interview.

M
The pull quote, as I recall... "Our city and the world deserve to know how dangerously incompetent these people are."

I
Jesus fucking Christ.

M
I agree with Ike, you should read the interview.  But the big ticket item is that all the DRT squads who work with the Bulwark are told to treat all four members of the Bulwark as, collectively, their commanding officer.

I
[with evidently false sweetness] And how does that work out in practice, Max?

M
Not well, is my...

I
Pretty fucking bad!  Right?

M
...is my impression...

I
Pretty fucking bad is how it works out!

M
There is no clear chain of command within the, you know, the situationship.

I
So what's the decision-making process among the Bulwark's esper members, Max?

M
According to the interview...

I
How do they resolve their differences of opinion if no one esper has the command?

M
[snickering]

I
Do they perhaps specialize in different types of dungeons, or different scenarios, and take command as appropriate among them?

M
No, that's not...

I
That was just off the top of my head, by the way...

M
That's not the system...

I
Which I'm sure is about the level of thought that Omphalos put into this command structure...

M
The Omphalos, Ike.

I
There's a the...

M
He has a definite article.

I
This asshole put a the in his name.

M
He's the only one.

I
He's been doing this for all of three god damn years...

M
He's the guy.  He's the Omphalos.

I
So if that's not the command structure, Ike, what is?  How do they resolve their disputes?

M
Apparently [holding back giggles] by screaming at each other a lot...

I
Big ass esper shouting matches!

M
The anonymous subject of the interview in question discreetly captured captured a video of one of these shouting matches...

I
Oh God...

M
...and apparently during one of these...

I
I did see what I think you're about to talk about...

M
Saint Solemn is saying...

I
...and I'm about to lose my shit just as hard as I did when I first saw it...

M
He's trying to give off the vibe of being like jaded and seen-it-all while he says some shit about kidnappee triage...

I
Yep!  That's the one!

M
...and this guy throws, like, this weird blue-white fire, that's his thing, he's beam two or three - and he lights himself on fire - 

I
What the fuck!!

M
He human torches himself to win an argument...

I
You're a fucking professional!!

M
...goes all up in blue white fire, specifically in time, like, with the way the emphasis falls in his sentence...

I
God, the fucking, pageantry.

M
The pageantry, yeah, of the way he lit up...

I
Doing this kind of macho head trip male-lead-in-a-romance-novel shit...

M
In a game day situation.  On the ground in a dungeon.

I
And that's a normal day - it honest to God reads, it sounds, and this is genuinely funny to me because I'm a terrible person...

M
We know this.  Go on.

I
The way they talk, it sounds like they are trying to have the climactic shouting match of like, you know how sometimes at the end of an episode of Doctor Who, David Tennant will just lose his shit and rant at the monster of the week until it kills itself...

M
That's basically the formula, yes.

I
It sounds like they're all deliberately trying to do that...

M
[snickering]

I
...but they're all yelling over each other like your two uncles at Thanksgiving who are opposite kinds of racist.

M
[snickering intensifies]

I
And it's lose your shit funny, to see them try to pull this shit in their fucking costumes, but here's the thing -

M
It's terrifying.

I
[voice becoming level and serious] It's also, like, it's chilling.

M
It's genuinely terrifying.

I
These people are the dungeon runners in Tampa Bay.  This is just what it's like there.

M
And this is why we take such a hard line when we say there's no...

Both, synchronized
There's no such thing as superheroes.

M
Because these people are trying to be that, they think they can do that, they think they're hot shit...

I
They think they're characters on TV.

M
On TV, where you can have the climactic screaming match and it shows how much you care.

I
Instead of being dangerously and frighteningly unprofessional.

M
Their interpersonal drama is dictating how they respond to these emergency situations.

I
Which is fine on TV, because it's stories, and stories run on interpersonal drama.  And if you want to mix the drama with the stakes...

M
You can just say it turns out okay.

I
Exactly.

M
You can just suspend your disbelief and say, okay, this works.  This is reliable.  Whereas in real life...

I
In real life that gets people killed.

M
Everyone in that dungeon and everyone on that squad is just as much a protagonist, playing for just as high personal stakes...

I
It'd be just as bad if they fucking died.  Which is what...

M
Unlike in a story, where the main characters dying is allowed to, really kind of supposed to, hit harder than a background guy.  Go ahead.

I
Which is what I mean about doing Watchmen in real life.  Because that's what Watchmen is about.  The idea that there's these clowns dressing up in costumes to live out self-aggrandizing fantasies...

M
Mm-hmm.

I
And they take the safety of the world into their hands, and the world lives and dies on the outcome of their personal neuroses and their personal journeys.  And New York is full of people with personal neuroses and personal journeys, and they get wiped out in an instant, [snaps fingers], to lend weight to Adrian Veidt's climactic monologue...

M
That's exactly it.  Like, these people dying in the background of superhero comics, did you notice those are entire human beings...

I
And with these squad members, operatives, having to wait around to let these people finish, like, yelling, or have to calculate in their head who's making the best call, and whether Knuckle Joe is gonna retaliate against you for siding with Saint Seiya...

M
[snickering]

I
This is frightening.  This is an ongoing hazard, a liability, for the whole deployment zone.

M
Imagine what's going to happen during the confluence.

I
[defeated sigh] I don't even want to.

M
Imagine.

I
Let's stop talking about this, this is a comedy podcast.

M
If Arrakis showed up in Tampa...

I
[dully] We're not supposed to call it that.

M
[snickering progressing into cackles]

I
And we could talk about that shit too, by the way...

M
Imagine if The Dungeon Officially Endorsed By The Frank Herbert Estate And Its Heirs showed up in Tampa.

I
That's the fucking one...

M
Did you see that Eventualities post by the way.

I
Eventualities, that's that blog you like.

M
That is that blog I like.

I
I did see that, yeah.

M
Yeah, guy with a podcast, that is that blog I like.

I
Hey, you're down here with me makin' a podcast.

M
We are all in the gutter...

I
You fuckin' podcaster.

M
...but some of us are making jackoff hand motions behind the other guy's back.

I
I did see that Eventualities post.

M
IP Law Has No Place Here, Eventualities.  It's a good post, it's a good blog.

I
Eventualities by Traceless.

M
I think Traceless is a pretty cool guy.  He has a talking cat sidekick and doesn't afraid of anything.

I
This fuckin'... the other day, when Max was telling me about this post, she told me Traceless had a talking cat sidekick with a completely straight face...

M
I wanna be very clear, that's not a joke!

I
Ugh, get the fuck out of here.

M
I'm so serious.  His name is Cricket...

I
Fuck off, Traceless doesn't have a talking cat sidekick!

M
There is video footage - he has an entry in the IDA database of espers.  Look him up.  Cricket.

I
I will look him up right now.  I will get out my phone...

M
Please do so.

[several moments of silence]

I
Max?

M
Yeah, Ike?

I
What the fuck am I reading.

M
[wheezing giggles]

I
Cricket [slowly, with exaggerated enunciation] is an emancipated monster from a four dimensional dungeon...

M
[giggles continue]

I
...who retains the ability to perceive and traverse the fourth dimension.

M
I told you...

I
And it's a picture of a fucking Siamese...

M
A colorpoint cat.

I
Max?  With fucking.  Wings.

M
And he can talk.

I
The fucking cat talks!  And it goes into the dungeon with him!

M
The cat goes in the dungeon with him.  Hey, this was Ike and Max Culturecast...

[ending blurb omitted]