hi pax,

hope your weekend is going well. :) i just wanted to check in about your test results. is there a time soon that works for you to discuss them?

here's a link to my schedule.

- avalon

Avalon has written a very informative email that sets Pax at ease. It's probably a confidentiality thing but Pax would really like to know. 

Pax opens the schedule. Avalon marked themself available on Saturday, not even that surprising, and Pax schedules the appointment for later that afternoon under the principle of getting it over with.

They open the aquarium hobbyist website but their focus is not great. 

Pax arrives at the virtual meeting with a bandaid on their chin because they remembered to shave like 10 minutes before. 

Meanwhile, unclear to Pax if Avalon has ever shaved in their life. They're glowing. Which is not a filter. They look like this when Pax and Avalon meet in person too. 

Avalon smiles at Pax. "Hi there, how are you doing?"

"I'm fine. Can we talk about the test results?"

Yes, that's in character for Pax. Avalon tries not to take it personally. Pax has a lot of not-so-good experiences that color all of this, though to be honest Avalon only knows the skeletal outline. 

Well, it's also normal to be nervous about a meeting like this, and Pax tends to appreciate clarity and directness very much. 

"Yes, I wanted to check in with you but it's of course okay if you want to skip to the results. I apologize for the ambiguity but I needed a secure channel like this to share any specifics of your testing."

"Yes, I am curious about that. And somewhat concerned about my academic future."

"That's understandable, Pax. But I actually wanted to focus on the non-academic aspects of the testing. We can set up a meeting with an academic counselor if you're worried about that end?"

"...I'm doing a lot better on that end. You said the self-care essay was good."

It had so many shrimp in it. And Pax cited some studies they found about aquaculture and mental health. This is a 90th percentile self-care essay, unless the people assessing just hate shrimp in which case they are evil aliens.

Yeah, Avalon knows exactly the essay. Avalon has cited that essay multiple times in conversations with higherups. Pax is making progress even if it sometimes doesn't look like other people's progress. 

And on a personal level? It has been lovely to see Pax with a hobby. Something that makes their eyes light up. Or, in this case, makes them type 2000 words without being prompted. Avalon helped them edit down which isn't strictly their job but also not not their job? Sometimes you have to be flexible in this field. Uh, a lot of the time.

Anyways, Pax is totally going to find their niche, they just need the time and support. And now we have one more piece of the puzzle of what's holding them back. 

But oof, Pax doesn't like change. So Avalon is not expecting Pax to react super well. Let's be delicate about this.

"The self-care essay," Avalon says, "was amazing. And this isn't about your well-being per se. But it could be important for understanding your needs a little better? This is actually about your gender score. Which may be a little surprising, I know."

"...Should I not have left the answer boxes blank?"

I mean duh, that's exactly the kind of thing that gets your apps put in the slush pile and never let into college and Pax is probably never going to get a chance to actually prove themselves now, are they!

Sometimes you're not as hard to read as you wish you were, Pax. :(

"No, that's an optional part of the application. I understand the worry Pax, but that's actually consistent with the rest of your answers. You scored in the Agender range this time."

"Oh. Okay. So that's actually maybe good for my college application, if I'm Agender on paper?"

Pax expects Avalon to have magical knowledge of the algorithms the academic system uses re: demographics and admission. Whatever, it's a nice compliment and Pax seems to be taking the news better than expected.

"Hmm, I'm not actually privy to that information unfortunately. It certainly won't hurt your application. Again, an academic counselor would have more information about this and I can put you in touch with one if you want."

"I guess that could be helpful. I know my Gender automatically changes in the system and that's public. So not much to do there. Am I also supposed to tell people that I'm Agender now?"

"Oh, yes, I did want to talk about the practical aspects of gender reassignment. I don't know how much you know about that. As I understand it, you kept the assignment you got at puberty until now?"

Avalon actually knows it for a fact because they have access to so many Pax records but they <3 hedging, it sounds less all-seeing eye, which is not their aesthetic at all. They really try not to clobber people over the head with the asymmetry. 

Yeah, some adult with a lanyard asked Pax if they wanted to go on puberty blockers but that's pretty normal, and it wasn't a high priority. Going to a gender clinic is just objectively way more steps than learning to shave even if shaving is annoying. They barely remember taking the test the first time around, and were probably kind of sleep-deprived that day because they had just gotten a bunch of books about long-lost societies that were their favorite thing...

"Yes. It is a bit strange to be a Man at age 14."

Yes, here we go.

"I feel you, Pax. Actually, I hate to say this or dictate how to feel about this but I am not sure the specialists involved in your case made the best decision. Or perhaps they made the best decision they could at the time, but we're always learning about gender and gender itself can evolve. That's why retesting is so important. So you can find what really works for you instead of relying on old stereotypes."

"It's okay. I don't really think about it most of the time. Man and woman and agender and queer are just kind of... words." 

"Yes, I think a lot of Agender people feel that way. Agender-2 people particularly and that's how you scored. Agender-apathetic."

"Socially, I guess most people call me they anyway, so it's not too bad. The ones who have known me for a while, I guess there aren't a lot of them, can keep on using he/him. Not like I suddenly care."

"That's very adaptable of you, Pax. I'm really proud of you for how you're handling this. Well, I'm sure some people do care about addressing you in the proper way for your Gender, but it may take an adjustment period."

"I don't see why they should put in that effort to switch. That's way more thought than I put into my Gender. Can't we just not do this?"

"Gender is important to them even if it may not be from your Apathetic point of view. What you may find helpful is a context where you can talk openly about these feelings without making other people feel they're in the wrong for how they interact with Gender. We have some resources for Apathetic people that you can explore. You're not alone at all in this."

"Honestly I just call everybody they and that works fine. Resources don't seem to be necessary for someone as apathetic as me. Can you refer me to the academic counselor?"