The Top 100 Things I'd Do
If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord

They might be? I don't know what "genetically" means. 

It'd take a bit to get into.

Say, while I've got the genetics expert here, what happens if someone and their simulacrum have a child?

Would the daughter be like her mother in appearance and innate character, but starting from a clean slate? I wouldn't raise an Ileosa the way I was myself raised, and would appreciate the chance to do it right.

What you're thinking of is a clone, but you can't make one that way. Instead your daughter would be extremely inbred and unhealthy. 

Hm. I don't think heal fixes inbreeding, so that makes me less excited about motherhood.

Unless you know of a different way to make clones?

I don't know how to do it at your tech level.

If I do eventually have an heir, maybe with a dragon or duke of Hell or someone, I'd like to be the one who bears the child - people say that children have a special connection with their mother, and I'm hoping that makes him or her less likely to kill me.

But at any rate, I'd like to wait on having kids until I've been alive for at least one human generation, so no one grows up with any cultural assumptions about my dying and leaving an inheritance... although that does mean I can't have children by any of my current crop of minions... although I could still breed you with each other, which would also be fun.

...But it would mean that my dad would never meet his grandchildren, or acknowledge me as the superior parent.

I'll need to think on this.

What's ninety-three?

93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.

This is a sin against theater! If you start the event by headsmanning your headliner, just, right off the bat with zero buildup, it'd be totally anticlimactic and everyone'd go home instead of sticking around to see the rest of the show!

Although, honestly, you should expect a public execution to go bad no matter the specifics. Really, what you ought to do is announce the public execution a week in advance, and then hold a private ceremony five days before the deadline. Tell everybody the hero died of fright. 

Sigh. 

Ninety-four?

94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.

Would that everyone had the Charisma and the talent to learn detect magic, or the Intelligence and the time, or the Wisdom not to need either. Ninety-five?

95. My dungeon will have its own -

Wait, maybe...

Maybe? 

I don't know. Maybe I should find more things to say about ninety-four, to keep the thread going.

You said that ninety-eight was the last genre-relevant one, and I feel it bearing down on us.

Hey, I'm not going anywhere. We could always do a different thread after this.

I do feel better, having heard that.

Right.

Okay.

I'm strong.

Ninety-five?

95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.

And you can't solve this by just ignoring when sick prisoners have emergencies because...?

Well, then if they're not faking, they could die, and I assume you had a reason in the first place for stashing a given prisoner in your prison instead of a graveyard. 

You Good guys are really spoiled for healing, you know. Basically none of my people channel positive.

But I'll make some rule about how any guard or group of guards who enters a prisoner's cell needs to comprehensively outclass all of the prisoners in the cell.

Ninety-six? 

96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.

Who in the world - and why, and how - would design a door mechanism that opens the door when blasted from the outside, but closes it when blasted from the inside? Even setting aside that blast spells aren't generally very good at damaging objects, since you divide energy damage by two before applying hardness. Ileosa is struggling to imagine this. Doors are heavy; a well-designed door defaults to barring the way. It'd be tricky enough designing one that opens when the control mechanism is destroyed from either side... well, maybe not that tricky; Ileosa supposes you could do it with drawbridge-style portcullis that lies flat when the chain isn't under tension. If it's important for the door to open when the control panel on the inside is blasted, this is how Ileosa would do it, but there's an obvious design flaw in that the door would be much slower to close, and if you're inside your fortress it's more likely that you need the door closed in a hurry than the reverse. 

Wait, this is a sci-fi trope, isn't it. Forget she said anything. What's ninety-seven?