- she was kind of having an anxiety stomachache a second ago, but she's not, now. Not that she knows what to say to any of that, or that she doesn't think whatever she says next is going to end up being really stupid, but -
"Y'know when everything was all covered in nightmares, and you kept telling me to go find the cause? And it was hard, because I didn't know how, and there were so many things breaking around me, there were toddlers in burning buildings and people being killed and raped and tortured and eaten by insects or whatever, and I kept getting distracted by the babies and the Mayor and random people in pain, and I wanted to fix it all but I didn't know how, when there was only one of me and half the time when I tried to fix things I felt like I was making them worse, and also getting all of my friends killed?
"I think - I think maybe if you know enough about what's going on in the world, then maybe the whole world feels a little like that all the time. And I can't - hear it, and I don't know enough about it all to see all of it, but if I did then I'd just - I'd never feel like I was making the right decisions, no matter what I did? And I'd try to fix more things, which means I'd end up making more things worse, even if I also made a bunch of things better. But it'd never feel like enough, and the world would just keep kind of crumbling, wherever people weren't holding it together. Because - the world is broken. It's been broken for way longer than I've been around. So - I don't get to be not broken, you know? I don't get to just never do stuff wrong. And I'm just one person, and I'm not even a very smart or capable or impressive person, so I don't get to fix things all by myself, either. I don't get to know for sure that I'm doing my best, or that the stuff I try is going to work out right, or that I'm not just actually making things worse. And - I'm not saying it's the same? I haven't had time to make all of my mistakes yet. But people do, you know, and the more big things they try the more big things they fail at, and sometimes they make just utterly terrible decisions that don't make any sense to them in hindsight, and - and after all of that the world is still going to be broken around them, and they're still going to have to decide whether they're going to just give up on it, or whether they're going to try to mend the pieces they can reach, even when the whole thing is enormously painful and kind of looks super pointless.
"So - yeah, I buy that you've done evil stuff. But I hope that if I'm ever where you are, where I've done horrific things and I understand how horrific they are, and where I know a ton about all of the suffering in the world but I still have no idea how to fix any more than a tiny tiny fraction of it, then - man, I hope I get to not give up on that tiny fraction. I hope I keep reaching for it no matter how far away it always is. And I dunno if that's what being good is or not, but - if it's not, then I think whatever this thing is still a pretty important thing to be. To keep trying even if you can't be good. Maybe it's even more important, as long as we all have to go on being broken.
" - I dunno if all of that was stupid or not, but - that's what I think. I guess."