Falsehoods Programmers (and Policymakers) Believe about Espers and Esper Partnerships

May 06, 2026 3:38 AM

Responding to dungeon appearances effectively and expeditiously requires efficiently getting the right espers on the scene. Getting the right espers on the scene requires knowing who the right espers are. Knowing who the right espers are, and taking proper care of them while they’re dealing with your dungeon for you, requires accurate and searchable information about espers. This requires a database.

But if you are not careful, your database will be part of the problem. I’ve seen far too many of these problems, and as a public service, I’m going to list some assumptions that, if you’re not careful, your software — or your operating procedures — might make about espers. All of these assumptions are wrong. Make fewer of them, and fewer people will die.

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Unbitwise

Every esper has a primary partner.
Every esper has at least one partner.
Every esper who has ever worked a dungeon has at least one partner.
Every esper who is currently working a dungeon has a partner who is willing to be contacted.
Every esper who is currently working a dungeon has a partner who is alive.
Every esper who is currently working a dungeon has a partner who is not currently suffering backlash.
Every esper is willing to disclose their partner’s name.
Every esper who is in your database has a partner who is also in your database.
Every partner in your database will promptly notify you of changes in their contact information or other relevant changes.
If their partner is in your database, then the name they write down for their partner is also in your database.
If another esper gave their name as a partner, then they surely agree that that other esper is their partner.
Every esper either has had a partner or is looking for a partner.
Degree of compatibility is fully symmetric.
Every partnership produces equal benefit to both parties.
Every partnership would produce equal benefit to both parties if they would just get over themselves and maybe go to relationship counseling.
Every dissolved partnership will be reported promptly so that it can be removed from the database.
If you see an esper holding hands with another esper, they must be partners of record.
Every esper’s primary partner is able to give medical consent on their behalf.
Every esper’s primary partner should be given medical information about them.
Every partnership involves sex.
Every partnership involves activities that have a significant risk of transmitting disease.
Every esper’s sexual orientation matches their partnership.
Espers only marry other espers.
Every esper has had sex.
Every esper has had sexual education.

Unbitwise

Every esper knows what their power is and is willing to put that in writing.
Every esper knows what their backlash is and is willing to put that in writing.
Powers can be classified into distinct categories that do not overlap.
Ranking is objective if done properly.
Espers don’t have disabilities except for manifestations of their backlash.
Every esper knows how to handle their own backlash.
Every esper knows how to handle their own backlash, or will travel accompanied by a partner or non-esper assistant who will be fully capable of doing all that is needed.
No standard procedure will ever need to be modified to account for backlash.

Unbitwise

Every esper is rich.
Every esper is well-off and can afford various fees for interacting with your bureaucracy.
Every esper can afford to buy all equipment they might need for dungeoneering.
Every esper is backed by an organization that can provide them with whatever they need for their work.
Every esper is a member of a guild.
Every esper has an agent.
Every esper is affiliated with an organization who can speak on their behalf.
Every esper is affiliated with an organization.
Every esper has access to teleportation.
Every esper has a commscreen implant.
Every esper has experience with the media.
Every esper is a public figure.

Unbitwise

Every esper does dungeons.
Every esper does dungeons or is a partner of one who does.
Every esper in your database is able and willing to come to your dungeon if you ask; you will never have to find alternatives.
Every esper in your database is alive.
An esper is always the first choice for responding to any dungeon.
Every esper has a rank.
Every esper has a codename.
Every esper who tells you they have a codename has officially registered it.
If an esper has a codename, this is also how they prefer to be addressed in person.
Codenames do not change.
Codenames are globally unique.

Unbitwise

Every esper has an identity document stating that they are an esper.
Every esper has citizenship in the same country as the organization they are affiliated with is incorporated in.
Every esper has a passport.
No esper is prohibited from entering your country.
Every esper is above the age of majority.
Every esper doing dungeons is above the age of majority in your country.
Every esper can speak at least one language spoken in your country.
Every esper is familiar with the etiquette and professional standards in your country.
Every esper can understand military and/or police jargon and hand signals.
Every esper can write in the language used in your database.
Every esper can read.

Here Ends This Thread

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