He kisses Marlo's cheek. "Not yet. I just. --If I came out as gay my parents would disown me and I don't know. If I want to never see my parents again."

He nods and kisses Lev's forehead and wraps around him, protective.

"I don't know if I want to-- to never be someone my parents would be proud of."

"I was miserable when I was trying to be someone my parents would be proud of, it only stopped when I stopped. 

I can't stop you and I'm not going to try but please, Lev, don't do that to yourself." 

He curls up in a ball, his knees to his chest. 

"I'm sorry."

"You don't have to be sorry." Another kiss on Lev's forehead. "Whatever you choose, you don't have to be sorry." 

He starts crying into Marlo's shoulder. 

"I love you. No matter what."

He cradles Lev, holds him as close as he can. "I love you, no matter what. More than light." 

Asher has any tact and therefore does not say "honestly, fuck your homophobic parents."

And Raine drafts a letter to Natalie in her head and does her best not to worry about something she can't change. 

Agreeing to go back to camp is — hard. She makes herself eat that day, and the next, and the next, and she spends as much time with Asher as she can. She writes to Natalie and gets a package back with a letter and a flashlight and two spare batteries; when she opens the battery compartment a mini flash drive falls out, and she puts it in an internal pocket and gives it to Lev next time they're unsupervised. 

She's desperate, when she and Asher are alone together. 

(She's desperate when they're not.)

There's no point in being subtle. 

Asher spends every evening with her, and they sneak off to Ron's as often as they can. He tries to think of things he'd want to do if they never got to see each other again. They fuck. He tells her constantly that he loves her. He shows her all his favorite dances, tells her all his favorite stories and all his favorite jokes, shows her his favorite musicals, takes pictures of her in dresses so he can keep them. 

He tries not to think about how long he'll wait for her before he decides that Raine isn't going to go to him. It would be unreasonable for the answer to be 'forever.' He kind of guesses that the answer might be 'forever.'

Lev is having unfamiliar experiences like "being sexually satisfied" and "being loved" and "having someone be proud of you" and "getting hugged." Perhaps naturally, he is very happy.

Being gay, if anything, makes step three easier. He glances at Marlo in group and says that he thinks that his parents should have been proud of him whatever his test scores are; he thinks about the way Marlo loves him and he tells Christine that he thinks he deserves to be loved, unconditionally, for who he is; he thinks about how easy it is to talk to Marlo and realizes that he has been very lonely for a very long time. Maybe his whole life. 

When they get to the 'nonsexual intimacy' step, he's going to have to make a decision. But for right now he can get better and date Marlo and he is so so happy.

He reads the books Raine gave him. He's pretty sure he's an atheist. 

Sometimes — when Lev is in a different room, or in the middle of the night when he can't sleep and doesn't have Lev in his arms — there are — doubts. He worries about whether this is evil after all, about whether he's hurting Lev, about what would you do if you really loved him.

And sometimes Lev glances at him and says "My parents should have been proud of me whatever my test scores are," and there's too much pride — pride in Lev, pride in himself for having given that to Lev — and fierce protective love to be worried about anything at all. 

Lev has his head in Marlo's lap when he says, "I don't think I believe in God."

"Okay," he says, and runs a hand through Lev's hair. "I love you." 

(He does. He's proud of him for having that confidence and he's so so worried about him and he loves him so much.) 

"So I guess. I'm going to be disappointing to my parents no matter what now."

"I still can't imagine how anyone could be disappointed in you," as soft as he can say it. 

"You are ever so slightly biased."

"Doesn't make me wrong." He bends down and kisses Lev's forehead, his cheeks, his mouth. 

"Maybe I'll take Ron up on his offer."

"I think the best way for me to take care of you is to finish camp, tell my parents I tried my best, and get my GED and go to trade school and have you live with me." 

Lev intertwines his fingers with Marlo's.

"That sounds wonderful. And I can try to finish up high school and get in a good college anyway and then I can take care of you."

"That sounds wonderful too." He squeezes Lev's hand. 

"I want a house with you, and lots of books-- and maybe someday kids--"

"I'd love to have that with you." He'd dreamed, or thought he'd dreamed, of a house and a family for most of his life, but the image is — different, when instead of a nameless faceless wife he imagines Lev.