Leareth is (and this is still not unusual) confused about what emotions he's having and what they mean. He wants something. He's mostly been ignoring it, so he hasn't tried unpacking it into words even to himself, but - he keeps feeling like he misses Maitimo. Which is stupid because Maitimo is right there, and yet. He's been remembering, sometimes, how Maitimo would hold perfectly still while Leareth kissed him. And he has a newfound appreciation for how hard that must have been, how much patience it must have taken, because he's finding it hard not to - keep wanting things he really shouldn't have, at least not for years or decades, he's proven himself too irresponsible with it. Something about it feels unfair, but he can't really pin it on anyone except his past self for coming up with a terrible plan.
...He's thought about how he should probably try to stop wanting - that - because it seems unhelpful. He has not successfully formed an intention to stop, though. Maybe it requires all the various parts of him to be - pretty aligned on what the highest level wants. Which was trivial before Angband, enough that he was barely conscious of the process, and it wasn't trivial at all during his terrible plan but it still felt doable at all. He's not sure it is now. When he thinks about leaning away from those wants, several parts of him are clamouring that no, actually, why should he have to stop noticing that good things are good. He's settled on ignoring it instead because that at least is doable, it's mostly not a loud shouting kind of desire, and he can redirect it into wanting to build things with Maitimo which is also wonderful.
He's been thinking about asking Vanyel for advice but - honestly hadn't even considered asking Maitimo, that felt very off-limits. It does seem like a relevant answer to Maitimo sharing his thoughts, though.