"Yeah, I wasn't planning to explain that. I think I can do the rest."

Sigh. "I'm not sure how to get through to him about one of the core things, which is that he should absolutely not be trying to scheme for people to not abandon him, trying to solve that problem is going to create a worse problem. I get why it's scary for him to be putting a lot of emotional weight on believing other people will be there to help anyway. He's used to having plans and being in control of things and he really hates not having that, but this is so unhelpful right now. Also, I - don't think he actually understands why this was a bad idea for him, in addition to being very unkind to you, and was likely to result in him getting badly hurt. I don't know how to convey that either. It seems so obvious." 

"Isn't he...in fact badly hurt right now?"

"He's pretty confused about what he's feeling right now! I think he's hurting a lot in the short run but it's not clear that he's significantly more traumatized about - the general category of thing - than he was going into this, and I think that before yesterday, he was actually doing okay on net, despite this being a terrible idea and very unfair to you. I should try to find him something else where he can set goals for himself in small increments and feel good about getting more in control of what happens in his head."

Shrug. "He will be very badly hurt if you actually leave. If you don't, he's going to eventually notice that the bad outcome he was most scared of didn't happen and maybe eventually he'll relax about it." 

" - I mean, if some normal person I was dating did this I would absolutely leave. But I can't, so, I won't."

Nod. "...I understand that. I think it makes a lot of sense to be angry. Just - hmm. If some normal person you were dating did this, I think it would say a lot more about their character, and what they thought of your character? Since they'd be implicitly saying that they thought you were a horrible person. I don't think this is much of a predictor of future Leareth, and I don't think it comes from him thinking you're horrible; he has a very high opinion of you, actually. He's just really traumatized. He has predictable feelings of being worthless to everyone, predictable anticipations that people will hurt him, and he feels out of control and was - looking for anything that would let him feel safer. None of that is about you. I really wish he had picked literally anything else because this is such a goddamned mess, but..."

" - it seems like probably some of it was about - predictions of me. Like that I'd go for it at all. But - I agree that it doesn't say much about what he will be like when he has recovered, and - we owe him everything. Even if it would be nice if he just wanted to murder us all for his plans in Velgarth or something uncomplicated like that."

"I almost think he was right about that by accident, since my sense is that a lot of it was you feeling that you owe him everything he needs to be happy. And that this was very hard for you even before this, but you wanted to - respect his right to want things, I guess. I don't think he saw that side of it at all."

Melody tugs at the collar of her robes. "Anyway. Is there anyone you trust and can talk to about this? I probably am missing a lot of what this is like for you, because of the species and cultural differences, and also I'm primarily Leareth's Mindhealer so that's - there's some weirdness. Apart from the fact that I think you would benefit from it, I also think that doing your best for Leareth now means processing all of your feelings, somewhere else. Rather than trying to squish them. That's a big chunk of what he was doing wrong this entire time." 

"I am not traumatized and a better liar. And I think I have processed my feelings about it, and just need time to feel a bit more distant from them."

Melody seems kiiiind of dubious of this, but she smooths away the expression and lets it slide. "All right. I need to - go for a walk, and maybe throw some rocks off the cliff very hard because I'm frustrated with myself and would like to be stewing on it less when I talk to him. You could go over now or wait. It's no rush, he's fine– well, he's distracted right now at least, Vanyel is keeping him company."

"I will maybe go for a walk first too, then."

She nods. Heads off in the opposite direction from him, arms folded. 

He goes for a walk. He doesn't - really - process things, he is pretty sure his state is stable right now and if he tries to get back to being angry that won't help much. Talking with Findekáno will probably help but he hasn't told Melody about Findekáno.

Findekáno will be so angry with him. He can't quite model about what exactly but he'll be so angry.

He goes to find Leareth once he's been for a walk.

Melody is back just ahead of him; she goes in, holds the door open until he catches up. 

Leareth is sitting in bed, looking reasonably well-rested and alert and not panicked although kind of anxious. He nods at Maitimo without quite looking at him. 

"I'll, er, leave," Vanyel, who still has no idea what's going on here, says quietly, closing the book he was reading to Leareth. 

Melody closes the door behind him. Sits, hands folded over her knee. "All right. Time to have an honest, adult conversation about this." 

Leareth looks like he maybe wants to say something but is getting intractably stuck on the 'words' part. 

"I get the sense that there was a lot of stuff about your internal state you were not communicating because you thought if I noticed it I would give up on having an intimate relationship with you at this point in your recovery."

...All right he's just going to Mindspeak, that's easier than talking. :Some things. I am sorry - I thought...: Leareth is no longer sure what he was thinking at any given moment.

That you could make it work, and that if you didn't make it work I was going to leave, so you had to make it work. And that one should be ruthless about survival goals, not cooperative about them.

That is a very - harsh - encapsulation of it but Leareth can't say it's wrong. 

:I did not think you were definitely going to leave otherwise! I, just - I was so scared that you might, and that it was - outside my control - I thought there was a state of the world that would be better for both of our goals. Where I was in love with you and wanted you back. I thought it was almost true already - I do love you, I would not have thought to call it that, but... Melody says I was wrong that I could get there, I was just going to hurt myself, and - that most people would feel hurt and lied to by what I did:

He bows his head, miserably. :I - did not think of that - I am sorry - I thought you would not want to do it anymore if you knew all of my feelings, because you were trying to be very careful, but - some of them were stupid feelings and I did not want to let stupid feelings determine what I could do. I made a mistake and it was unfair and unkind to you and I am sorry: 

Not because you also have some stupid scared feelings, because you do not have the feeling of 'being attracted to me'. I tried for thousands of years to start feeling that in a useful direction, it doesn't work.

Leareth spends thirty seconds or so trying and failing to formulate a response other than 'what?' and then gives up and just shares all his thoughts: 

Leareth had just been making his way towards unconfused and now he's confused again, because he wouldn't have named that as the central problem here, actually. It's difficult to pin down what 'attracted to someone' means when he never considered the question before Angband, and now any thought experiment about what he wants is extremely contaminated by stupid torture memories and fear. But - he wanted Maitimo to hold him, he looked forward to Maitimo touching him, that wasn't an experience he had ever really had before; he liked playing with Maitimo's hair and kissing him once the initial OVERWHELM, which made it impossible to determine how he felt about it really and was also stupid torture contamination that he wanted gone, was past.

He expects Maitimo is not going to want to touch him at all now, which is reasonable of him, but he's also sad about it, about losing something he had only just discovered could be a nice thing, especially right now when his life feels bereft of all the other things he used to take satisfaction in. He thinks in hindsight that he was being stupid in the taking-clothes-off case and should have held off, but he's not sure what could have helped him predict in advance that it would be different - he still kind of expects that there is a nice thing on the other side of that, which he just can't reach because of all the STUPID TORTURE, he's also sad about that and irritated with Melkor for his general terribleness in this area. 

I think - the reason that trying to do this was worse for you than trying to pet my hair was, uh, that you had a lot more to override - not just a lot more trauma to override, something aside from that -

He glances helplessly at Melody in case she understands what he's trying to say.