Of course.

Leareth falls asleep. Doesn't relax fully until he's out. 

He goes for a walk.

It is really not great how apparently this is the most important thing in the universe to Leareth and also half the time it's randomly traumatizing! He's pretty stressed about it! He can do it, he can help Leareth get what he wants and not be miserable about it, he can make sure everything works, but it feels really hard and insurmountable and like it could've been nice if not for stupid Angband even though probably he couldn't have had it at all without Angband - and that would have been better, it would have been better to have Leareth intact and at a polite distance -

- this is his fault -

- he needs to get back to work. He takes the long way around the island and then does that.

Leareth wakes up from his nap feeling - a lot better, actually. He's not sure what he was so painfully anxious about, before. Things are fine; things are really good, actually. 

(He loves Maitimo so much...)

He gets up and catches up his notes, making them very cryptic. He spends a while remembering what they've done so far - Maitimo petting his hair, playing with Maitimo's hair which is the softest thing in the universe - and he tries to notice and acknowledge all of his feelings, even the inconvenient ones. Of which there are some, there's a sense of confusion in the background still, and touching Maitimo was pretty overwhelming. He thinks it won't be as stressful in the future, though, a lot of it was that it was new, new and different things are always harder now. (Someday he'll be really, properly okay again and that won't be true anymore. He hopes.) And it was still good - in memory it's less loud and so he can focus on the nice parts of it more.

:I am thinking about you: he tells Maitimo eventually. 

Does that mean I should come over?

:If you like! For a little while. I think I should not try to push myself too hard today, since I was so anxious about things before: He wants to reassure Maitimo that he's definitely being careful about that. 

I agree! I can come over for a little while, though.

:I look forward to it: And he's waiting to hug Maitimo. 

Hug. Have you had dinner?

:Not yet. I should: 

So he gets him dinner. Wishes him goodnight. Hugs him again, but not like he wouldn't have a week ago.

Leareth seems happy and affectionate and about as relaxed as he ever is. 

:Goodnight. I love you: 

Love you.

The next few weeks pass.

Maitimo doesn't suggest any new activities, and Leareth - has no idea what would be next, actually, literally all his context on sex acts that exist is based on Melkor hallucinations which he should probably just ignore entirely as a source.

He thinks about Maitimo and how much he loves him a lot. He - is mostly not scared that Maitimo is going to leave, right now. It does seem like this is harder than he expected, for himself but also for Maitimo. But - it's going to get easier, he thinks, and it seems to. Touching Maitimo's hair is less overwhelming the second time they do it, and the third time he doesn't have to hold any of himself back and can just enjoy it. Except for the random stupid flinch-reactions that occasionally happen, usually he can't even figure out what the bad association is. He tries to not be annoyed with it, and just wait and move on.

He tries to be pretty honest with Maitimo about what he's feeling, because Maitimo wants information on how to make Leareth happy (because he's wonderful). Usually what he's feeling is happy, which he endorses, and scared, which he wishes he didn't but is understandable, or confused, and confused about why, but...shrug, that just seems to be a thing. 

It takes three weeks before he can confidently say that this is - comfortable, fine, he's barely having to do any emotion-wrangling in the background to keep it that way.

:I am - quite happy with how things are now: he tells Maitimo the next time they're together, cuddling, :but - I would be ready to try more things and see what it is like. If you want: 

What I want depends very much on what you want. He kisses his forehead.

:–I think I would like kissing you. It is - likely to also be very overwhelming at first, but...I want to try at some point: 

It seems like a good next thing to try. I can hold still, and it's fine if it's stressful the first time - or not all that much fun ever, not everyone cares too much for kissing...

:That is good to know - I do not think I have ever kissed anyone in this body, and I do not retain complete memories from previous lives so if I enjoyed kissing in the past I do not recall it now...: He shuts up, because that's skirting dangerously close to the topic Maitimo doesn't want to speak of. 

You seemed very lonely, when I first met you.

:I am not sure if I would have said I felt lonely, at the time. But - I was certainly very alone, either way. I had - colleagues, including some I trusted a great deal, but - never more than that: 

I don't think you would have said you felt lonely. It wouldn't have helped, right. But - but you looked it. It felt like - being in a place where no one was specifically trying to destroy your allies - was a gift. Or would have been, if we hadn't - I'm so sorry -

:Not your fault...: He's suddenly crying, though. At least it's not as startling and confusing as it was at the beginning; of course it makes sense to be upset, a lot of very upsetting things happened, it doesn't help to cry about it as often as he does but additionally being frustrated with himself about that won't help either. 

...He tentatively shares that line of thought with Maitimo; he doesn't directly share thoughts as often now but he sometimes misses it and this one seems fine. 

It was my - I was the person who was deciding what to do, and it happened, so the reason it happened is that I didn't think of something. Even if I don't know what, exactly. He reaches out to hug him. I love you. I wish it hadn't happened like this.

Leareth cries on him for a while. That part isn't exactly new to them being in a relationship, but - it feels different, now. He feels loved and cared for; it's not confusing, anymore, why Maitimo is bothering to stay and comfort him.

He also feels a little bit scared, because it's out in the open, now, how much he needs Maitimo, and because even all of this doesn't guarantee that Maitimo won't leave.

:Maybe we can try kissing tomorrow: he says finally, shakily. :It does not seem like I am very up for that today:

I will wait as long as you need. He wiggles, and his voice is teasing. Very patiently.