" - you know, just for that, I should let you try to seduce the Emperor. It won't work. He prefers men."

"I am aware of that and accordingly intend to seduce him as a man."

"Sorry, you -

- what -"

Carissa has a Hat of Greater Disguise Self. She demonstrates it. 

" - okay, that is a very very impressive - illusion, but as it is an illusion I don't think it'd hold up to -"

"It is a Polymorph, not an illusion, and you can suck my dick."

" it's a what?"

"A magic for turning into other kinds of creature! A more powerful wizard could be a dragon."

"Anyway. Shall I present you with my apprehension of the situation, which you can then improve on so as to help my plan succeed?"

"Sorry, what's in this for me, given that the downside is obviously being in a really impressive amount of trouble? You're...deceiving the Emperor?"

"Of course not! I was planning to tell him at the first opportunity where we wouldn't be overheard by spies."

"What else can your magic do."

"That's need-to-know."

"We're negotiating my bribe so I think I need to know."

"I'll make you something that is already known to exist. The headband, or the pin of Glibness, or one I'm doing for Altarrin, of mindreading -"

" - that."

"Deal."

"Pay up front."

"I'm good for my word!"

"You are reasonably likely to end up in utterly bizarre forms of trouble! And if you pay me and I don't help you you can appeal to Altarrin for the return of my prize, while if I help you and you don't pay me I cannot appeal to the Emperor to make you pay up."

"- that's fair, but it'll take a week and I don't want to wait that long to even get started. I'm not expecting my plan to work overnight, here."

"What is your plan? It's easier to sleep with the Emperor than to get anything you especially wanted out of it. Altarrin's not the only man who gets bored."

"Well, I was initially depressed that he preferred men before I realized it's actually my most significant advantage. He is supposed to marry and have an heir, but he's older than me and unmarried, presumably because the job is less appealing both to him and to prospective wives than it would ordinarily be. But I can look however he likes in bed, and give him heirs, though I cannot technically do both of those things at the same time - I have another hat, of Disguise Self which isn't a Polymorph, to tide us over while I can't Polymorph -"

" - sorry, you can't do both of those things at the same time because -"